I don't get it.
How can it be so painful without any wounds?
How can people be so cruel as to hurt their loved ones?
How can someone be so healthy on the outside and still it's harder to breathe?
How everyone just wants to get rid of my psychotic behaviour but doesn't wanna help?
I don't get it.
There are so many feelings that can be felt but they are all out of focus but one
One that has a huge impact on my mental health
I can feel the chemical secreting from inside of me
The one that just doesn't seem like the one that secretes when you're happy
You know what?
I have my own problems
But do you see me crying
I know they don't matter to you
Or maybe they do
But I can't listen to you thinking you maybe lying
Writing everything down
With that romantic movie on
I know this shit you ain't buying
I told my share of lies
But they never hurt you
Yours did. But I was never prying.
There are some times
When I think I ain't worth shit
Ain't worth no love no limes
But then some feeling comes no more than a hit
Can hear my phone's rings and chimes
Start thinking this life's lit
Only thought that's worth no dimes
Is that I might be falling in a pit
Got acquainted to you
We became friends
You loved me
Knew you better
Wonder if I still know you
I miss you
Why couldn't you be here?
Never knew you really
But have some idea about what you would have been like
Had you existed
My unborn sibling.
Here I am
Writing again and again
Until I feel this weird feeling go away
Here I am
In my own words
Here I am
Thinking the feeling would just go away if I write it all out
Here I am
Or just trying to convince myself that it's gonna get out of me as soon as I write it.
Why and how does it become so hard to breathe?
As if I'm doing myself a favor
Life ain't sucking really
But when all the focus is on one thing
It's just empty space after a while
And sometimes some other things relate with that one thing too
After its gone all the other things are gone too
Or maybe not
But either way
Misery maybe the only feeling left
Get comfortable with yourself
Be happy in your own company
And when you're almost there
Someone comes along
And you think of them as a reward
But it is just a game the destiny is playing with you
Hold that one hand
And you either may cross the finish line
Or may have to start from the very beginning
What angers me is the fact that I'm always doing a trust fall thinking somebody is standing behind to catch me and knowing nobody will ever do it...
Ever had that one moment that just comes so unexpectedly that you don't really react to it the way you've been planning to but the way you had been telling yourself not to?
Playing those 5 seconds again and again and again in my head
It was all okay when I caught some cold
But then came those feels
Tears pouring down like rain
Can I call what I hit a rock bottom?
Yes I can
But the fear resurfaces
Saying there's more to come
Much more worse to suffer
It ain't gonna last
But it also ain't the last
Here I am. Once again. Breaking down. Feeling every fucking feeling to a maximum. And there they are. Telling me that I shouldn't feel the way I am feeling. Trying to tell me how to feel.
Or maybe I just think I am
Why is it so hard for people to understand my craving for isolation?
Or for a hug?
Just one hug, a tight one, saying, "It's gonna be okay".
Why is it so difficult?
It's the best kinda therapy you get when someone can just make you so happy, get you away from all the anxiety and depression, and not even know about it.
These "someones" can be found just anywhere.
In a brother.
In a friend.
All you gotta do is let the negative energy on the inside that says "You ain't getting over it" pass through you.
One of the things I'm afraid of is the fact that there is a fair chance of that wrecking ball coming my way one day, yet again. And once again, whether recovered from the previous wreck or not, I'm gonna welcome it with open arms. And let myself be wrecked, until I'm unrecoverable.
My music taste differs from the ones around me
Even if I tell them the kind of music I like to listen to nowadays, they'll have their attention to the kind of song, the genre, but the reason behind me listening to that particular song on repeat for hours won't be a part of their interest
I like you
I love you
It's times like this when you should have been here
So that I don't doubt myself
And my love for you
And your love for me
Only if I could love and hate someone as per my need
Keeping things to myself is the one art I'm perfect at.
If not telling people what I'm going through on the inside, they won't be all sympathetic towards me.
And act like they always do.
No pressure on them to cheer me up.
Or try to "fix" me.
And no pressure on me to try to feel normal now that I let it all out.
Is it healthy for me to be my own therapist?
To be talking to myself as soon as I am alone?
Is it healthy not talking to anyone about what's going on on the inside?
Keeping things to myself?
Keeping feelings to myself?
The one thing about being alone for me is that o don't feel lonely at all
I feel perfectly myself
But then there are people around me all the time
All of them talking about something that could be avoided
Something I do understand
But understand way too much to even talk about
One side is the one bitch who doesn't give a fucking damn about what others think and isolates herself
Other is the one who is anxiety ridden because of her FOMO
These movies I watch
Always leave me being a different person
Taking a part of me
And in its place placing a part that fits more perfectly
Everyone has someone or should have someone they can be purely honest with
They can be what they are when they are alone
Talking to them feels like as if talking to oneself
Only if I could be that fortunate
All we did was talk
Aren't you a wrecking ball?
Always leaving behind a wreck
In the shape of ME
Ever think about how darkness is good for us?
How it just allows us to do whatever we want without even worrying about being judged
Ever think about how much we just want some light?
But it can be blinding too
Taking what we have in a positive way is the key
Being happy with it
But not satisfied
Being hungry for a bit more
That's what's gonna keep us going