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love.and.pain

PO# 536771
United States
United States
just a girl pouring out her heart.
June 17, 2019
 

My mom died when I was 17, I remember one  Night, it was years later I had said to him that it was OK to  Start seeing someone new. And he said "no your mom was the one for me so why look for someone else"  For years I always wanted that kind of love from somebody that my dad had for her, And 16 years later I'm realizing that I also remember hearing my mom didn't want my dad any longer but she stayed with him.

I don't want that kind of love any longer....

But I want someone to love me back the way I love them.

Random memory that hit me.
Made me sad. And angry. My dad doesn't deserve to be alone. Hes had a horrible life.

I also feel bad he had to deal with a child like me. And still do...

GABRIEL MUCHIRI
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June 11, 2019
 

He plays the good guy really well when he has to.

But then when you get home the bad guy comes out. Even more when the whiskey hits his lips.

He's angry.

Everything's your fault. Even when it's not.

He warned you, but you were bored and lonely in your life. You didn't listen.

If how they treat you is how they feel, then I mean nothing. I'm just a rent payment.

And now almost 2 years into it you feel the most emptiness you've ever felt.

I've been eating for months to fill myself up, I am fat again.

The emptiness I feel doesn't reflect on the scale anymore.

The amount of empty wine bottles match how often hes angry. Theres almost a box full of emptys on garbage night.

Tonight ...

MUSIC ON, WORLD OFF
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June 5, 2019
 

1:21am....

I remember when I admitted myself to the psychiatric Ward of a hospital. I think I was around 24.  It was a scary experience but not one that I regret at all.  I wasn't safe to be home alone at the time so being there made me safe. I had no choice.  I remember it feeling like I had a break from life. That I could be sad or feel literally whatever I wanted to feel in the moment I felt it, because I was safe. I could do no harm.  I remember a few days after being there a young man who came home from college who had slit both of his wrist was brought it.  No one at that time knew why I was there, I took a shower 1 night and asked for bandages on my cuts.  1 on my wrist going the rig...

NEVER GIVE UP
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June 3, 2019
 

I just wrote words that scare me. Words I haven't wrote in many years.

I'm having a hard time with life right now.

I know I'm strong but somedays I feel to weak.

TO MOVE ON IS TO GROW
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May 24, 2019
 

Dear David,
I just wanted you to know that I appreciate all of our memories.  I have so many good ones from when me and you had our time.  I'm so thankful for that time. I just wanted to tell you how I felt because I never know where life is gonna take me and I never know when I would have the courage to send this.  I'm kind of thinking fuck it to everything right now and just telling people how I feel. Why should I keep it to myself? And what's the harm in speaking words?    There is one thing though that I will  Wonder, is why did you leave me waiting for you that night in lake George?  Why don't you just tell me that you weren't coming? I felt like such a fool sitting there waiting.

The...

CHIRAYU
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December 31, 2018
 

I'm so happy im back, I cant wait to pour out my heart soon. It's a lot of sad but I need to get it out again...

NEVER GIVE UP
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September 17, 2015
 

when you think back to the thought of you two together and all the moments that you shared and all the feelings that you felt. it hits you how deep those feelings really went how some of them were so painful to feel and how some of them were too good to feel. that saying things could be too good to be true was very accurate when it came to you two.

you loved so deep and it happened so fast. it ended almost as it was just beginning. a few times not just once. the pain that he caused you is excruciating to feel every day. it would hits you as soon as you open your eyes from the very little sleep you get. the ache in your beating heart is  there, always.

daily reminders of the things that ma...

GRAB YOUR UMBRELLA
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September 12, 2015
 

you wake up at 5:30 a.m. you hear the sound of a text tone you never thought you'd here again. you're not sure if its real or if you heard it in your dreams. you look over at your phone and its blinking your heart starts racing and you see his name on the screen. an hour later you're in his arms again for the first time in four months. his embrace was as gentle and as rough as you remember. his smell was the same and he took a deep breath in burying his nose into your neck "I've missed your smell " you had so many things to say to him but as soon as you see him all those words go out of your head. the man standing before you has ripped out your heart twice in the past year but it still beats...

LOVE
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September 7, 2015
 

purge:
you think that if you throw up your aching heart those feelings are going to disappear down the drain. you somehow hope that the memory of him is also going to go down the drain, but that never happens. you think that while you're watching the bile swirl down the drain that you're watching everything go away. but you are not. every feeling that you feel and every memory that you have is still going to be there.
no matter how many times you throw up your aching heart. it is still going to hurt.

it sucks when bulimia is all you have left...

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ORIGINAL
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September 6, 2015
 

dear self,
sometimes a second chance with somebody doesn't mean a happy ending. sometimes there isn't even an ending. sometimes you gotta do what you did the first time they left you got it just try to carry on. it kills your heat because deep down you know there won't be a 3rd time. you don't even know if you will ever hear his voice again. you will never feel his embrace again. you will never hear the words I love you come from his lips again. you've been doing a lot better than you were you haven't thought about him as much as you had been, but some days like today it really hurts. I know you don't want to move on but you have to. some soul mates can't stay in your life. even though your h...

THIS TOO SHALL PASS
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September 5, 2015
 

sometimes the world seems scary, but it doesn't turn out bad at all. you just gotta keep moving forward and keep doing your best.

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DO NOT FEAR YOUR FEARS
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