I am about to leave my country and move to another one for further studies. I am not ashamed to say that I am shit scared. It's not as if I havnt gone abroad ever, I have. But this time it's different. This time I am going all alone, this time I am going for an extended stay, this time the college is not of my first choice, this time I am not even sure whether I want to continue this field lifelong or not, this time I am leaving not with a guy I thought I would, this time hardly any of my friends know I am leaving.
This time it's different.
Importantly, In the last few months, I have been seeking help for my anxiety. Needless to say, that is a concern. I am concerned what if the anxiety g...
I feel lonely. I don't like it. It goes and come, in waves. I don't know what to do with it or about it. But this time, I am trying not to resist it. To let it be there, to let myself feel it completely. Admittedly, it's not a nice feeling. This feeling is actually really bothering. But I know the more I resist the feeling by external simulations, the more powerful it will become.
I also to think to myself, if most of us are feeling lonely these days. Is lonely the new normal?
I try to numb the pain. I try to numb the pain with YouTube videos, Netflix shows, talking to friends, scrolling Instagram, sleeping and what not. I do not want to feel it. I don't want to face it. I don't want to be alone with it. The pain of existence. The realisation that I am not happy with my life. If I sit enough with it then the realisation will start hitting me that I am not happy and I need to take responsibility and change something in my life.
What's greater right now? The pain of continuing a life like this or changing? Both entail pain. Right now, the changing seems more painful because I will have to be accountable for my habits and actions. So, I continue. But then when I th...
Be in the now
One of the most important lessons that one can inculcate in their life is to be in the present. I, very well, know it is much easier said than done. That's why maybe If we understand the importance of it in our life, we will be able to implement it.
At the end of each semester, I curse myself for leaving all the studying for the last minute. Lot of us do that, right? Don't we sulk by thinking how many months we had to prepare? How much better we could have scored?
I mean, to think of it, if I would have studied from the starting of the semester I would have probably topped. But here I am, with few days left before exam.
I can either sulk about my lackadaisical attitude or ...
A letter from my future self:
It's insane! If I told you what's going to happen in the future you are not going to believe me. I know you are going to pose a gazillion questions, ask for proof and pause in disbelief. I know you are, your sneaky curious mind won't just believe. Even though it's coming from the older, more mature self of you.
But I do want to say this:
The present that you are living is infinitely beautiful. I know it doesn't seem like it. You do crib about the situations in present. You feel there is lot of confusion. You don't have a routine. But I swear, when I look back from where I am then I am able to see the colours , the beauty and the magic. Understandably...
Bonjour les amis,
comment allez-vous? J'essaye d'apprendre le français. Je pense que c'est une très belle langue. J'aime aussi les chansons françaises. Oui, il peut être difficile d'apprendre le français pendant que vous n'êtes pas en France. Mais j'essaye. Pourquoi est-ce que j'apprends le français? Oui, car cela aidera dans ma carrière. Aussi, j'ai toujours voulu apprendre une nouvelle langue. Plus important encore, je vais aller en France un jour et je veux parler français quand je serai là. J'aimerais entendre vos histoires avec la belle langue française. Toute personne de France, envoyez-moi une lettre. Parle-moi de ta vie, de ton pays, de ta culture. Bonne journée!
Eat. Bath. Sleep.
At times, when you are going through a tough situation. Maybe you are experiencing high anxiety or tides of depression or someone close to you is in trouble, in these moments thinking straight becomes a challenge. You are not able to keep a track of time. Time stands still. You are consumed by the thought of wanting to get some answers. That waiting period, the period when you constantly wonder will this ever end? Will I feel normal again? Our head becomes our jail.
In reality, days slip by into months and then months into years. Your life is happening. There is no pause button.
That's why I say it with experience that no matter what turmoil you are going through, ...
Document! Document! Document!
This is one of the most important lessons that I have learnt in my the last year. You know, more often than not, we rely on our memories more than we should. We presume that we will remember it ( the thought, feeling, information or experience) or sometimes we are just too lazy to record it. But I swear, it will fade away from your memory sooner than you realize and then you will end up cursing your laziness more than you would like.
Honestly tell me, do you remember what you were feeling on 19th of January 2017? Can you share how was your day? What was your dominant thought that day? Did you meet someone on that day?
I can. I can because I had ...
I am 21 years old. Female. Not studying. Not employed. What am I doing?
Let’s recap around a year back to get a better understanding.
Last year I graduated from my college. Great! I was thrilled to get out of that shit hole. It wasn't as if my college was a pathetic one. It's got a good brand name or reputation. But people, environment vibes - all sucked. So, I was out of that hell and ready to venture on my own. I had, somehow, convince my parents that I want to take an year off. Being the lovely humans they are, they had agreed. Yes, they hesitated but still agreed.
Officially, my gap year started at the end of May 2017. That means, I have spent 8 months of my gap year....