Explore
Sign Up
Login

Life0fPain

PO# 628236
United States
United States
Chronic illnesses: genetic mutant. My body rules my life. I like: TV/podcasts/Psychology/Dachshunds & self-improvement. Happily in ♥️
May 21, 2018
 

Kindness is the key to understanding; understanding is the key to compassion; compassion is the key to empathizing; empathizing is the key to love; love is the key to happiness.

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
May 20, 2018
 

I have been asking for help for years. My gofundme this year was my amazon wishlist so people could choose. I received nothing, I had to ask family to help me make it through the week. Asking for gifts is hard. Asking for necessities is harder.

We got through the roughest month so far, April, thanks to some very special people.

But it really showed a lot how most everyone on Facebook sees me. I know not everyone it could have seen it with the algorithms. I know not everyone can help even $5 because, I understand what that’s like, too. I am not talking about these individuals, nor am I talking about the kindness of those very few, that have reached out. 🙏🏻💜

I am learning everyday who the ...

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
May 20, 2018
 

‪Cymbalta took away my ability to dream, imagine, be in the moment & look forward. I nearly died many times because I couldn’t even picture my future. I thought that meant I was supposed to die. I thought that was the universe telling me I wouldn’t make it out alive. It wasn’t. ‬

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
May 16, 2018
 

I met with the director of where I go to counseling and discussed Jungian theories, collective consciousness and can relate to them on a peer level, sharing my ideas and they’re all on point! I felt like I was speaking to a coworker! It ended up being less about my therapy and more swapping thoughts and talking about personality theories, etc.

I feel so validated! I am so much smarter then I ever even imagined. This guy is about to retire and I could keep up with everything and expand on what he talked about. We ran out of time, it was a conversation, someone actually understood my “psychobabble” and all of it was 100% on point and he seemed really impressed, which impresses me!!! 🤗🤗🤗

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
May 16, 2018
 

I sent an email to my counselor when she asked if I had ever considered accepting my abuser, that I have Stockholm syndrome with, for the way that they are. when I said Empaths & HSPs & neurodivergants were the newly evolved humans given the rise in our younger generations, she laughed. She doesn’t seem to trust me at my word and I’m much more self aware than she realizes. It’s frustrating seeing someone psychoanalyze you incorrectly.

So, my other counselor said my email was incredibly thought provoking and informative and I’m meeting with the DIRECTOR to make sure my needs are being met and how they can help me feel more comfortable. The director!!? Incredibly unexpected. Is it because my ...

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
May 13, 2018
 

Every family get together I am not invited to, says a lot. It’s abandonment, and it’s not my problem. This is all because I was triggered by being called a “worthless fking retard that can’t hold down a job”. Because I swore back, and not even in front of the kids! Because I swore at my sister in law who has never ever ever asked or tried to get to know me. Shouting her mouth off of things she has no clue about & things were false! They’re both 6 feet and over and ganged up on me. Because of my reaction to what I was called.

Why was I called that? Because I was giving knowledge on age discrimination in hiring. And what do I know? I’m a fking worthless retard that can’t hold down a job”.

15 ...

CELEBRATE MOTHER'S DAY
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
2
0
April 22, 2018
 

I’ve realized that between neurotypicals & neurodivergants there is a language barrier which has contributed to all this discrimination. This gene mutation explains some (a big part) the rise in mental health issues, as well as regular health issues and 40% of the population are carriers. 8% have the active gene like me. but even inactive, it deals with switching genes on & off, diseases etc.

Neurodivergents like myself are on the rise and instead of us breaking ourselves trying to communicate and learn to communicate why can’t neurotypicals learn how we communicate too? Why can’t this be a joint effort ?

I’m trying to stop forcing people in my life, so if people want to be a part of my l...

MOVING ON
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
October 17, 2017
McHenry, United States

If someone dies, leaves you, it wounds you.  In our brain that same space that says “I can’t hurt” is the same space that that says “I can’t dance, I can’t sing, I can’t love” it’ll get you down to where you can’t do anything but wait for life to be over.”

Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman

DICTIONARY DAY
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
2
1
May 12, 2018
 

CW: attempted sexual assault

I am good at grounding myself but the restlessness following the flashback I am really struggling with.  I was having an okay day and a man grabbed himself when we were out grocery shopping and it trigged me.

I was 12 & at Target. A man tried to corner me in the dressing rooms, I ran away to the CDs and he followed me and showed himself to me & I ran down to the stores where my mom & aunt were. I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, and so... apparently I did.

RECOLLECTION
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 29, 2018
 

I am braver then I ever knew. So many flashbacks these few months have me stunned at what I’ve gone through, at how much I’ve blocked out. I remember the incidents and my brain forgets it again, then I re-remember it and the same emotions I felt, I re-experience.

They say flashbacks come out when your brain is ready to process them, but... I cannot explain it. There aren’t any words at the weird phenomenon of flashbacks, the emotions out of nowhere hitting me like a wall. It’s a ride; that’s for sure.

THIS WILL PASS
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
2
0
April 29, 2018
 

If millennials are “so bad” why is it we seem to be making the biggest difference in the US?  Are they threatened by a generation that grew up with technology? Are they are afraid we will throw them all in brutal nursing homes?

That’s not who we are as a generation. We have experienced bullying in our own homes through technology. Where we were supposed to be safe but since childhood. We were warned about the dangers...and the world without given the knowledge on how to properly cope. So most of us, once reaching adulthood DID get a wake up call, but that’s not something to hold against us, we didn’t raise ourselves (some unfortunately did); we didn’t choose what they were taught, we didn’t ...

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 28, 2018
 

My brain sees in black and white. My heart sees in gray. It takes me a lot of words to say very little. I can’t find words a lot. I had to write to process. Writing your every feeling on social media has its disadvantages, people knew how to exploit me.

I got a degree in Psychology because I didn’t understand why people behaved the way they do. Why people would want to be hurt someone, and honestly, why people thought such incorrect assumptions about me.

Not knowing why others lashed out; feeling their hatred even though what they said seemed to be the opposite. I took people at their word. I could also feel it when others didn’t like me. I have sensed it my entire life. Felt the isolation,...

SPEAK YOUR MIND
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
April 26, 2018
 

Today was really terrible, where I mainly felt down. Family had the biggest impact on my day. Tried apologizing to my brother & sister in law for the bazillionth time... and he lashed out even harder at me for things that he & her both perceived incorrectly. For things that they won’t even try understand. Like high functioning autism, my communication style, what I’ve gone through and what I have been through.

Family is telling him what I put on Facebook... I’ve tried to stay impartial... It’s been made very clear that he cares more about what people think then mending our relationship. He cares more about preserving his reputation, them working out the fact that he beat me my entire life. ...

LIFE
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
April 22, 2018
 

It’s really difficult when the people “closest” to me, like my immediate family, I know are capable of kindness & compassion, but don’t feel I am worth it. That I deserve it. People hear one side, that is so false, and believe it without even asking me. My family doesn’t offer to take me to appointments. My family doesn’t offer to help, yet everyone thinks they do and I’m just not accepting it. It’s not the case.

I’ve realized that between neurotypicals & neurodivergants there is a language barrier which has contributed to all this discrimination. This gene mutation explains some (a big part) the rise in mental health issues, as well as regular health issues and 40% of the population are car...

MY SOUL CRIES OUT FOR YOU
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 22, 2018
 

God is working in so many ways. A special and unexpected gift, being around people who have the wisdom of experience, actively practice love, compassion & forgiveness on a daily basis have been the ones that have saved me. Reflecting back I can see how God has put each and every person in my life to teach me something. The butterfly effect of my journey to faith, everything that’s happened.  Again on my birthday, it happened so much. All I was shown on my birthday is how blessed I am. All I saw, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to feel...blessed & grateful. 🙌🏻💜

OUR SYMPHONY
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
April 20, 2018
 

I couldn’t ask for more beautiful weather for my birthday weekend.

Tomorrow. 32. If you would have told me a year ago that today, I would be able to forgive not just myself, but others. In being able to forgive myself I learned how to forgive others, as well.

If you would have told me I’d feel a childlike intrigue and excitement for life again, but with so much more wisdom than I could have ever imagined...that I was on the journey to loving and accepting myself...I wouldn’t have believed it. I would have said “yeah, that’d be a miracle...” and it was. So many things fell together.

If things didn’t happen to me the way it did...if I didn’t experience what I did...as painful as it was...I ...

LIVE AND LEARN
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
2
0
April 20, 2018
 

Finally found a competent Neurologist that knows MTHFR, and feels my requests are completely logical and understandable Thank GOD! Getting my homocysteine levels checked as well as an MRI & MRI-A to rule out TBI & MS. 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

Take that all the doctors that dismissed me!!

DO NOT JUDGE
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
April 19, 2018
 

I’m not going to change to “prove people wrong”, I’m going to keep being me and making improvements for me because I am a sensitive empathetic person & I’m okay with that. Being more honest & open about my emotions is okay. I also feel lost because I need someone to help me bathe the dogs twice a week, /sometimes(1-2/month)  take me to appointments, & help me advocate for myself. I need help finding doctors, calling places. Figuring out what insurance needs & facilities need. I’m asking outright. Someone who has the time, love & compassion to help me and are okay with just my company because that’s all I have to offer...

ASK FOR HELP
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
April 18, 2018
 

I didn’t understand my weaknesses. I didn’t even know how to answer that question in interviews, mostly because I knew any weakness I shared, would be used against me. That’s how it was my entire life. I shared my weaknesses for others to understand me better, hoping they would. Instead I had so many people who looked for flaws instead of finding the good in others, and I laid it out on a silver platter, on Facebook for 13 years. Allowing myself to be preyed on with passive aggressive crap people knew would trigger me, making me look inadequate.
I’m not mad at myself for that anymore. I can’t be. I’ve learned and those people prove again every single day when they don’t reach out, that they’...

ORIGINAL
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
3
0
April 18, 2018
 

I neglected the best people that need my support, this community to try to fit in somewhere else. To try to be there for others, find a way to volunteer but from the comfort of my own home, without restrictions.

Why stray when I fit in here? I don’t know, but lesson learned. It was a mistake.

I shared my story & after observing for over a month, guided bullying and judging people reaching out for support, not wanting to get involved for fear of being a “tattle tale”.

Last week was hard. I was told no dr in my reach even knows about my mutation nor are willing to try to understand (so far in my experience). I also mentioned that we be respectful to people & not call people “attention seeke...

BE WHO EVER YOU WANT
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
1
0
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
3
0
April 15, 2018
 

I struggle sticking up for myself because no one ever did for me in life before because everyone secretly agreed with those that insulted me & used the “it’s not my place to get involved”, sure..but if someone is drowning and someone is pushing their head under not allowing them to get up... and you sit by and watch because you “don’t want to get involved”, I don’t believe in that either. I stick up for others even when they don’t want it & I need to just stop. I need to accept how few people actually believe me, trust me, and respect me.

I thought I was alone before, but the more I respect myself, the more people start to resent me for doing it, or  maybe resent themselves for being so ha...

DON'T TALK TO ME
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 13, 2018
 

I can’t make anyone hear the words coming from my heart if they’re going to hear them as whatever they’ve made up their mind. I am so sick and tired of me trying to work things out with people being honest that I’m hurt and people jumping down my throat like I killed their pet. Insulting me, backlashing on me, using every single thing I confided in them on...now though, they try to argue some kind of typo as opposed to the context. That’s how I know I’m making a point.   

Right now my cptsd is so bad that social media IS my outlet. I’m sorry I’m direct and blunt. I’m sorry I don’t communicate in a way everyone else would like.

I’m done. I give up on this damn month. I’m sick and coughing up...

LOVE, HER
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
3
0
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 8, 2018
 

I’ve been discriminated against my entire life. I’m constantly conflicted with the anger of that because I discriminated against myself too. I’m realizing I have a lot more emotional intelligence than most of society these days.
The more I trust in myself & have faith, the more I’m realizing how much untapped potential I have.

Without these experiences, though,  I don’t believe I would have the emotional intelligence I have today. Every time I was bullied, or someone said something that offended me, I was soaking in on how not to be to others, because the last thing I want is to make anyone feel what I felt in those moments.

I’m an INFP but thought I had to answer personality tests how ...

LIVE AND LEARN
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 7, 2018
 

Instead of those with Autism killing themselves trying to communicate the way everyone else does when this is one of the biggest struggles and there are bigger fish to fry... maybe society can start giving people (not JUST those on the Autistic Spectrum) benefit of the doubt.

NOBODY IS PERFECT
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 6, 2018
 

“In the fullness of time, the mainstream handling of Invisible Disabilities, will be viewed as one of the most shameful episodes in the history of medicine because elements of government and virtually the entire insurance industry have colluded to deny these diseases and the possible role they play. I have no doubt this will be remembered in American history as one of the biggest downfalls in society.”

NOBODY IS PERFECT
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0
April 6, 2018
 

My history is a cautionary tale of what happens when you accuse people in serious need of help as an attention seeker, addict, playing the victim, being self observed, selfish, lazy, or crazy...instead of trying to help.

We can never know what someone is going through. Judging is destructive.

NOBODY IS PERFECT
Thumb_1526475801
PO#628236
0
0