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Life0fLove

PO# 628236
United States
United States
Chronic illnesses: genetic mutant. My body rules my life. I like: TV/podcasts/Psychology/Dachshunds & self-improvement. Happily in ♥️
August 18, 2018
 

I am a positive person. Being positive and thinking positive doesn’t take away every single struggle.

Me being positive I deserve and will get disability will not make that necessarily true. My mindset is not in control of the government. I’m trying so hard to have faith in the process and waiting, but it’s killing me.

I’ll be on the streets if I’m denied. I’ve already gone through the appeals. But I’m invisibly ill and relatively young so I can’t possibly suffer that much, right?

All I want is to be a normal person that can go do normal things. People get jealous I can’t work but I also can’t do things I WANT and NEED to do.

I don’t get to go out and have fun with friends. I don’t get t...

ORIGINAL
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August 17, 2018
 

I had a nightmare that I was denied disability and was going to commit suicide.

I haven’t felt that helplessness since December. I don’t want to feel it again. I have been fighting for disability for over 3 years, disabled 8. I can’t keep doing this.

My stomach has an ulcer or some kind of serious pain. My food isn’t digesting, I’m throwing it up 12 hours later. This isn’t normal. I can’t get into a doctor for 2 months.

Everything hurts and I feel so helpless.

What a sucky dream, but if I get denied I won’t be able to afford to live. What will be the point? I can’t take anymore suffering.  

Woke up with such a horrible mindset.

ORIGINAL
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August 11, 2018
 

I am certainly learning the art of patience. The state is taking their time deciding if I am eligible for disability or not. I have only been waiting 4 years.

More doctors appointments coming up this fall. I am also beginning a 10 week microdosing regiments with psilocybin (magic Mushrooms). Back in December it took me from suicidal to passionate. I have now gradually (with doctor’s help) gotten off of two anti depressants and two kinds of pain pills. I am freeing myself from Big Pharma and feeling so much better, gradually.

If I don’t get disability though, I’m not sure where I’ll be able to live, how I’ll even get through any more. I’ve just been hanging on, barely. 2 months, why does it...

BE KIND
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August 2, 2018
 

How the hell does one pass time when no movies, tv, books, nothing not even eating seems fun. This is a different kind of hell. I feel like my brain is in solitary, and I’m dying to get out.

Almost 2 months I’ve been waiting for a disability decision. Part of me wants it and part of me doesn’t (if it’s a no). Not sure what we will do or where we will end up if it’s a no.

My entire life literally leans on this. You cannot support two people, one disabled under one income. You can barely support one. These few months have been brutal. Waiting for such a huge decision that will impact every single part of my life. I miss what it’s like to just go shopping. I miss being able to go out to dinne...

LET IT ALL OUT
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July 23, 2018
 

If you enjoy my lettrs, I have until the end of the day to get $100. I have until the end of the week to get $1000. Paypal.me/jrk421

August 2016 I got in a fender bender. I got out of the car to exchange info and apologize and there was no damage. Meanwhile this middle aged man got out screaming and threatening me. I feared for my life and fled the scene. I was taken in ruthlessly and they added 10 charges all on the guy’s WORD for how I drove trying to escape him. He was following me and I was too afraid he’d follow me home.

Court took a year, and now my court fees are due. $1000. I won at court, because of my severe cptsd & the fact that there was no damage but I still have to pay $1000. ...

MY SOUL CRIES OUT FOR YOU
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July 23, 2018
 

True friendship isn’t conditional. Family isn’t  conditional. Love isn’t conditional. True friendship doesn’t exclude or abandon and neither does real family. I’ve been unfortunate to experience both.

I’ve been wasting most of my life so far seeking unconditional love from people who are only capable of loving conditionally (or not at all).

What a change it makes when you surround yourself with people who will love unconditionally. No matter what. People who won’t hold it against you if you can’t make it, if you’re not feeling well, if you’re overwhelmed. People who will always invite you even if they know you probably can’t make it! People who understand I have different needs than other...

VISIONS
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July 15, 2018
 

My best friend finally, finally had the courage to leave her abusive BF. She moved in with my love and I so she can heal and figure things out. I hope so much she can find the healing that I have found in this home. I hope so much she can get through this. She deserves so much more and so much better. Change in my life sure is coming, I could feel it. I’ll be a little out of my comfort zone because I am a complete introvert, but this has been laying on my heart for months, if not years. I’m so proud of her.

A MAN'S BEST FRIEND
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July 14, 2018
 

I have finally, on Tuesday, took the last piece of anti depressant poison that has blocked my serotonin. I’m experiencing “brain zaps”, dizziness, and some tiredness. I look forward to these withdrawal symptoms being over. Over 10 years on this poison that took away my ability to look to the future, dream, to feel any kind of pleasure. I have worked so hard since December to reach this point. I’m too numbed and dizzy to be proud, but I will be once it’s over. It’s been a long time coming.

RANDOM ACTS OF POETRY - DAY
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July 8, 2018
 

These past 8 months have been a journey. Lowering my anti depressant (that blocks my serotonin) by 75% & trying to find the right dose of another to compensate for those withdrawal effects...has been a journey.

I have days where everything is perfect and I am so blessed and thankful for all I have. I don’t lose that gratitude, but I lose my emotions. These past 2 weeks I’ve felt numb most days. Numb and restless, but with no motivation. Days are long. I’m sleeping a lot because nothing else interests me. Not even TV. I can’t seem to sit still, I’m just completely distracted.

We are adjusting my meds once again, lowering them again. But I hate waiting around for things to even out. I also h...

RANDOM ACTS OF POETRY - DAY
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June 25, 2018
 

Got to open my mind up to the universe again tonight. She spoke softly and lovely. She whispered my purpose. She told me I am everything I already wanted to be and more. She told me to keep going. Slow and steady. She told me to trust myself, and my instincts. To not build walls, but fences. Ones that can be mended much easier. Asking her to use her light and energy to protect myself from the harsh words of judgement; to have them quite literally reflect off of the light I know I have inside me, that I am going to let shine.

This little light of mine... I’m gonna let it shine...

RANDOM ACTS OF POETRY - DAY
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June 23, 2018
 

Giving back to the community working at the food pantry and helping inspire others is my purpose in life.

I want to give back, I don’t want a job that just pays money, I need a job that gives back.

When I get to the point where I can work again, go to school again, I can’t wait to see where my path leads me.

RANDOM ACTS OF POETRY - DAY
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June 20, 2018
 

There is a blessing in surviving suicide & suicidal thoughts. I have felt rock bottom, which is hating myself so much I thought it’d benefit everyone if I were dead.

Now that I know that’s not the case, I can help others see that as well.

RANDOM ACTS OF POETRY - DAY
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June 15, 2018
 

A thing that sucks about Medicaid & non profit counseling is just when you get to know your counselor, they’re done with their graduate rotation and leave...not to mention I believe I am on the graduate level I have had to teach myself psychotherapy to cope because I am so misunderstood and I need a counselor with a lot more experience.

They ask me what I advice I’d give my client if I were a clinician. It’s annoying, I’ve already had to do that enough. I understand it’s a therapy tactic. I just want to be told how to heal and what to do! I have been trying to save myself my entire life. I’m tired of doing the heavy lifting.

It’s something I’m really struggling with.

HOLD ON TO YOUR HEART
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June 8, 2018
 

Today is incredibly triggering. This week is. I spent 10 years reaching out only to be called an attention seeker, manipulator, etc. I was suicidal 10 damn years and reached out and 2 people helped me and I am alive because of those two people. Not everyone is as lucky as me.

WOMAN
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June 8, 2018
 

I have to smile and say I am okay because when I do tell tell the truth, it’s always that I’M just not be doing everything I can. Not that there is a problem with the system.

That’s what people tell themselves to get out of helping me. It’s my love & I. I don’t have family close by (willing to help). His are willing to help but are all out of state. I’m not negative I’m being realistic. People who have never been on Medicaid or experienced what I have, don’t want to believe this is the way the government works, that if I’m fighting so hard for disability I must not need it.

It’s so damn incorrect.

Most don’t want to hear about our struggles because it’s a burden to them. They leave inste...

NOBODY IS PERFECT
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June 3, 2018
 

I went from full dreamer/idealism to full on realist on the pessimist side (when it came to my own life). I am now back in touch with my inner child, the idealist dreamer but with acceptance that life doesn’t always go the way we would like, but knowing that it does end up working out better than we could ever have dreamed. I was suicidal for over 10 years. Haven’t been for 6 months now. We don’t have to lose the idealism & romanticism just because we are aware of and have been exposed to the evil in the world. Balancing it is a tricky act, for sure.

It’s about connecting with nature, finding natural therapeutic supplements, that help so many things without so many side effects. Medical mar...

SEIZE THE DAY
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May 28, 2018
 

Summer is finally here. The hummingbirds are out, the sun is out, the trees are green, flowers are coming up.

We missed spring this year & went straight to summer. Last summer I never thought I’d be where I am at today. Wow. In just one year I have come so far, in just 6 months.

I’m looking forward to the journey continuing! 💗

ORIGINAL
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May 22, 2018
 

People’s lack of compassion, understanding & empathy frustrates me. But I know they’re not worth my time... Still I feel like I can repair anything, any relationship in my life simply by just me wanting for it to be repaired, but if others don’t want to repair it with me, I have to accept it and walk away.

If only the others cared to repair it. To them I’m just an annoying mosquito buzzing around their head that needs to be squashed.

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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May 21, 2018
 

Kindness is the key to understanding; understanding is the key to compassion; compassion is the key to empathizing; empathizing is the key to love; love is the key to happiness.

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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May 20, 2018
 

I have been asking for help for years. My gofundme this year was my amazon wishlist so people could choose. I received nothing, I had to ask family to help me make it through the week. Asking for gifts is hard. Asking for necessities is harder.

We got through the roughest month so far, April, thanks to some very special people.

But it really showed a lot how most everyone on Facebook sees me. I know not everyone it could have seen it with the algorithms. I know not everyone can help even $5 because, I understand what that’s like, too. I am not talking about these individuals, nor am I talking about the kindness of those very few, that have reached out. 🙏🏻💜

I am learning everyday who the ...

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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May 20, 2018
 

‪Cymbalta took away my ability to dream, imagine, be in the moment & look forward. I nearly died many times because I couldn’t even picture my future. I thought that meant I was supposed to die. I thought that was the universe telling me I wouldn’t make it out alive. It wasn’t. ‬

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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May 16, 2018
 

I met with the director of where I go to counseling and discussed Jungian theories, collective consciousness and can relate to them on a peer level, sharing my ideas and they’re all on point! I felt like I was speaking to a coworker! It ended up being less about my therapy and more swapping thoughts and talking about personality theories, etc.

I feel so validated! I am so much smarter then I ever even imagined. This guy is about to retire and I could keep up with everything and expand on what he talked about. We ran out of time, it was a conversation, someone actually understood my “psychobabble” and all of it was 100% on point and he seemed really impressed, which impresses me!!! 🤗🤗🤗

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
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May 16, 2018
 

I sent an email to my counselor when she asked if I had ever considered accepting my abuser, that I have Stockholm syndrome with, for the way that they are. when I said Empaths & HSPs & neurodivergants were the newly evolved humans given the rise in our younger generations, she laughed. She doesn’t seem to trust me at my word and I’m much more self aware than she realizes. It’s frustrating seeing someone psychoanalyze you incorrectly.

So, my other counselor said my email was incredibly thought provoking and informative and I’m meeting with the DIRECTOR to make sure my needs are being met and how they can help me feel more comfortable. The director!!? Incredibly unexpected. Is it because my ...

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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May 13, 2018
 

Every family get together I am not invited to, says a lot. It’s abandonment, and it’s not my problem. This is all because I was triggered by being called a “worthless fking retard that can’t hold down a job”. Because I swore back, and not even in front of the kids! Because I swore at my sister in law who has never ever ever asked or tried to get to know me. Shouting her mouth off of things she has no clue about & things were false! They’re both 6 feet and over and ganged up on me. Because of my reaction to what I was called.

Why was I called that? Because I was giving knowledge on age discrimination in hiring. And what do I know? I’m a fking worthless retard that can’t hold down a job”.

15 ...

CELEBRATE MOTHER'S DAY
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April 22, 2018
 

I’ve realized that between neurotypicals & neurodivergants there is a language barrier which has contributed to all this discrimination. This gene mutation explains some (a big part) the rise in mental health issues, as well as regular health issues and 40% of the population are carriers. 8% have the active gene like me. but even inactive, it deals with switching genes on & off, diseases etc.

Neurodivergents like myself are on the rise and instead of us breaking ourselves trying to communicate and learn to communicate why can’t neurotypicals learn how we communicate too? Why can’t this be a joint effort ?

I’m trying to stop forcing people in my life, so if people want to be a part of my l...

MOVING ON
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October 17, 2017
McHenry, United States

If someone dies, leaves you, it wounds you.  In our brain that same space that says “I can’t hurt” is the same space that that says “I can’t dance, I can’t sing, I can’t love” it’ll get you down to where you can’t do anything but wait for life to be over.”

Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman

DICTIONARY DAY
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May 12, 2018
 

CW: attempted sexual assault

I am good at grounding myself but the restlessness following the flashback I am really struggling with.  I was having an okay day and a man grabbed himself when we were out grocery shopping and it trigged me.

I was 12 & at Target. A man tried to corner me in the dressing rooms, I ran away to the CDs and he followed me and showed himself to me & I ran down to the stores where my mom & aunt were. I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, and so... apparently I did.

RECOLLECTION
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April 29, 2018
 

I am braver then I ever knew. So many flashbacks these few months have me stunned at what I’ve gone through, at how much I’ve blocked out. I remember the incidents and my brain forgets it again, then I re-remember it and the same emotions I felt, I re-experience.

They say flashbacks come out when your brain is ready to process them, but... I cannot explain it. There aren’t any words at the weird phenomenon of flashbacks, the emotions out of nowhere hitting me like a wall. It’s a ride; that’s for sure.

THIS WILL PASS
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