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Life0fPain

PO# 628236
United States
United States
Chronic illnesses: my body rules my life. I like: TV/podcasts/Psychology/true crime/Dachshunds/self-improvement Happily in ♥️ *10 years*
December 15, 2017
 

“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone that gets you. There is no pretending, just genuine compatibility. It’s 3:00 am talks; It’s dancing in the car; it’s laughing until your stomach hurts. It’s comfortable silence, it’s quiet understanding. It’s texting you in the middle of the night to make sure you’re okay. It’s showing you that some hearts never leave; it’s picking up the pieces; it’s bringing you back to life. If you are lucky enough to have a friend like this, hold onto them, appreciate them, love them. These type of people are hard to find. They are your down for anything, there in a heartbeat, forever friend.”

I am blessed to say that I have this with m...

TIS THE SEASON
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December 15, 2056
McHenry, United States

Trigger warning/content warning
Child sex abuse.

I have always had a feeling inside of me, that I had been sexually abused as a child, have the same issues/trust issues with no recollection of any significant “leads” until yesterday, driving home, the memories popped in my head and memories I have always had, I couldn’t put it together, I don’t think my brain wanted me to know yet... now that m
However I never ever put it together..  Until an extremely stressful day today snd a long drive home from a doctor’s office.

Memories..snippets of my 3rd grade bf thay lived in the neighborhood. He lived there for a year. His parents were divorced/separated. I remembered these memories but could nev...

TIS THE SEASON
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December 14, 2017
McHenry, United States

“You are strong,  you are ready. You are a treasure in a jar of clay pressed on all sides, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but never forsaken, struck down but never destroyed.”

PUDDLE PERFECT
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December 13, 2017
 

I’ve recently discovered what “gaslighting” is, and what manipulative people commonly say, so I know to stop the conversation as soon as possible because it won’t be going anywhere. I am seeing a great therapist, who doesn’t just listen (which with Medicaid that is very difficult to find) he also gives me tools to apply it in the situations that are affecting me the most currently. He has definitely set me onso sorry  the correct course of healing. A few people (the few that care) have said the change in me these 5 months have been amazing. He has been extremely helpful, however the healing process is never easy.

I am also realizing...a lot of people that I relied on for my self worth, as we...

TIS THE SEASON
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December 13, 2017
 

Anytime someone bullies you, try to think of it as an opportunity to learn a life lesson. Right now, this bully is consuming your life. They want to take your power because they feel powerless. Don’t let them take your power. Break the cycle of abuse.

At the very least, you’ll understand how to not treat others. At the very best, you’ll be transformed into a much better person than anyone who hasn’t gone through hardships. #itgetsbetter

TIS THE SEASON
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December 11, 2017
McHenry, United States

Why is finding someone in close proximity, willing to make themselves available to me, for the random suicidal urges that hit me from time to time so damn difficult?

Plenty say “call me if you ever need to talk”, I call 5 people, not one returns my call. I need someone who means it

They go away. Sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and help me through it.

My love is amazing treats me like a queen but he’sp just one person, it’s that it’s not fair to him to have to hold all of this alone. He works an hour away. I need someone so I don’t bother him during the day.

So many people “volunteer” but none of it is real.

HIPSTER SANTA
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December 7, 2017
McHenry, United States

I FIGHT every single day ALL day.

—I FIGHT as I get dressed
—I FIGHT with food
—I FIGHT with housework
—I FIGHT my insurance
—I FIGHT my own government.
—I FIGHT for treatments,
—I FIGHT for equal rights,
—I FIGHT for parking spaces,
—I FIGHT for health aids
—I FIGHT for awareness,
—I FIGHT for understanding,
—I FIGHT for empathy.

I am ALWAYS fighting!

HUMAN RIGHTS DAY
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November 30, 2017
 

When my hormones come out to play, my brain is possessed. I have a disorder where my body reacts badly to the sex hormones. I have urges to kill myself, hurt myself, emotions I can’t explain. Exasperating emotions from the rest of my life, etc.

My mother in law’s friend; Lets call her Jane, I’ve always adored... but we never got to know each other. I figured with her retired and living alone, maybe we could have a friendship. She also had told me if I ever need someone to sit with or to call when I’m feeling that way to call her, put her at the top of the list.

See, I only have one person I truly trust & it’s my love. His family, mother in particularly are  a wonderful support system but al...

SAVE THE WORLD
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November 24, 2017
McHenry, United States

Please hold your judgements,
please open your minds.
This story I’m about to tell you,
it’s easy to judge,
to close your mind.

Two weeks ago,
a person I knew,
overdosed on heroin.

How did I know him?
I bought pills from him.
I have 4 invisible painful illnesses...with no cure.  
There I go again
trying to seek validation

I’ve been to doctors:
I’m too young to be in pain
It must be all in your head
Take some midol
Take Excedrin
Here are some anti depressants they’ll help everything

I was suicidal
I couldn’t take the pain.
I buy on the street to partially function-
Making phone calls to insurance & doctors
Being on hold for hours
all while tracking my symptoms,

it’s a full tim...

POETRY BOOKS
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November 23, 2017
 

I’m a night owl
through & through
The only expectation
Is to sleep
Accepted by
Everybody, everywhere

It’s my little secret
How late I stay up
It’s the only time
My mind lets me
Do what I want

Without all the guilt
Without the shame
That comes along
with the Stigma
The pain
Of an invisible illness.

I’m not being told
By society/family/foes
What I should be doing
How I should be doing
Need to be doing
When I can’t even do
What
I
WANT to be doing.

From the outside
I can appear fine
Inside’s a different story
I feel aged
a few decades more
I don’t go a day
Without pain
Emotional
Physical
Oftentimes, both
It’s hard to even
exist,
let alone take
care of myself

I can’t even sho...

SAVE THE WORLD
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November 22, 2017
McHenry, United States

I live with this nagging fear that he isn’t IN love with me. I don’t doubt that he loves me. It’s been 10 years he MUST to not have abandoned me. However, we both know if he did leave... I have no where else to go.

He knows how abusive my family is. He knows they would throw me in a psychiatric ward the first chance they could get. My family, convinced me I couldn’t possibly be in as much pain as I say I was in, I was too young; I must be an addict. My issues (besides anxiety & depression) are physical. I have four diagnosed chronic pain conditions, that have zero cure & a hormonal disorder that hijacks my brain that makes me appear to have borderline personality. How do I know it’s not? ...

POETRY BOOKS
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November 19, 2017
McHenry, United States

“I hate that my life is passing me by while I’m in a daze, unable to be fully present with people I love and experiences I want to savor. I live my life in slow motion but around me everything is speeding by and it terrifies me how much of life I am missing”.

ANGEL OF PASSION
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November 17, 2017
McHenry, United States

My love’s mom’s best friend: “I’m retired call me anytime” i call her because I needed help getting through a “suicidal feeling episode”

I cry and try to explain parent situation & she told me told I don’t have a good enough relationship with God. I need to pray, the devil is with me everyday. I told her I’ve been switching from BC to progesterone to another BC so my hormones are making everything bigger because PMDD and I felt alone. She continued saying the devil is with me and to want to stop to seeking validation by just stopping and praying. Then I told her I’m on the edge, bearing my soul, trying not to want to die and not wanting to be alone.

She said she was going to call 911 that ...

NOVEL WRITING MONTH
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November 14, 2017
McHenry, United States

I just realized... a lot of my over thinking & anxiety is because my entire life I have had my feelings, instincts & educated opinions invalidated, by the one woman I trusted most, my mother. So I 2nd & 3rd guess myself because I don’t trust my feelings, instincts & educated opinions.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
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October 18, 2017
McHenry, United States


How can you expect yourself to love unconditionally, when you’ve only been loved on a conditional basis?

This doesn’t mean you don’t love anyone unconditionally, people who love unconditionally are really easy to love unconditionally.

The true challenge is loving someone unconditionally who only knows how to love on their conditions.
—-Advice from my therapist

DICTIONARY DAY
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October 18, 2017
McHenry, United States

If you lose someone/something you love from death, a failing relationship or a job...The same part your brain that says “l can’t hurt” is the same part of your brain that says “I can’t sing, dance, love,” etc. It can get you down to a point where you are just waiting for life to be over, but it isn’t.

Pain contains things that you care about. That hurt inside, is the love for what you lost & that’s...not your enemy. Pain is a part of life, suffering...is something different.
—Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman

DICTIONARY DAY
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October 17, 2017
McHenry, United States

How can you expect yourself to love unconditionally when you were loved conditionally?

Unconditionally loving people who unconditionally love, is easy

Unconditionally loving someone who conditionally loves, is a challenge.

DICTIONARY DAY
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October 16, 2017
 

“How many times do I have to tell you Even when you're crying you're beautiful tooThe world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood” Boyce Avenue cover of “All of Me”.

So many tears tonight. Hormonal disorders #PMDD and chronic pain disorders make things complicated in relationships. This song says it all for anyone who has difficulties. ♥️

LOVE IN YOUR EYES
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October 16, 2017
McHenry, United States

12 years ago my partner of 10 years lost his cousin he was very close to, from overdose. I never know what to say.

I just tell him I’m thinking of him extra and love him and am here if he wants to talk? ☹️ if he doesn’t realize, I don’t want to bring it up and hurt him again.

Advice? Please?

SAD
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October 15, 2017
 

I am thankful this app’s staff send you inspirational comments to people who are feeling like ending it.

Instead of suspending accounts, or punishing them. People can’t be afraid to talk about it, because talking may help.
The stigma causes people to hold it in for fear of being thrown into a hospital.

Sometimes people just need to express themselves free of stigma and judgement.

Thank you Lettrs.

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TEA
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October 14, 2017
McHenry, United States

My anxiety from chronic pain & mental illness stigma is too much.

I hate myself so much I 2nd & 3rd guess myself especially in social situations.

I feel like I lose either way. Everything is a catch 22.

STRONGER TOGETHER
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October 4, 2017
McHenry, United States

I struggle with extreme self hatred since I can remember. I also have major depression & chronic painful illnesses, so suicide looks like a good option too often.

I decided to make a box of inspiration. Quotes that really hit me, texts or tweets with real random compliments (not rebound replies from me putting myself down).

So next time I feel like taking my own life, I can read them. Go through it. See who loves me & why, read inspiring quotes to motivate me to take care of myself.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
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October 3, 2017
McHenry, United States

I am impatient. I expected a call 20-30 minutes ago and I have horrible phone anxiety and social anxiety but I love that my sister in law, wants to check in with me and what’s going on in my life. It’s very much appreciate. She’s my bf’s brother’s wife. My own brother’s wife has never tried & nor have I, but I’ve been stuck in a major depression episode for 3-5 years, she was fully aware. The sister in law about to call, also knows & it’s why she makes a note to check in with me.  ♥️

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WORLD DAY OF BULLYING PREVENTION
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October 3, 2017
McHenry, United States

Last year around this time I attempted suicide. I had gone to the ER (first time in 2 years) for a migraine that hadn’t gone away in over 3 nights & I also hadn’t slept. They treated me like a junkie from the beginning.

I also had a mini stroke at 18, so I am a stroke risk as well. No tests ordered. Gave me a cocktail but without the morphine. Fine, but it didn’t work. Morphine wouldn’t fix it but it would dull it enough so I could sleep. So I went home with the cocktail hoping it’d go away.

The days later I am on day 5 of no sleep/debilitating pain. I went back to the same hospital and they treated me again like a seeker. I said I just needed sleep. What do they do without telling me? Sh...

ANGEL OF PASSION
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