|Chronic illnesses: genetic mutant. My body rules my life. I like: TV/podcasts/Psychology/Dachshunds & self-improvement. Happily in ♥️|
My childhood best friend passed, it’ll be 3 years in April, and I miss her so much.
I lucid dream sometimes and I have been begging her to show up in my dreams, and for the past month, she has. Of course I struggled getting to her, getting in touch with her, etc.
Finally last night, she was allowed to “visit” and I grabbed onto her and hugged her and told her she’s not allowed to leave again and how much I miss her.
Her death affected me so much. We got close in the end. I miss the years between HS & college when we were distanced. She had moved 6 states away so I could only connect with her online and towards the end she was too drugged to do even that.
I love her so much. She was such ...
⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ suicide, sexual abuse, death, drug use
1986- born with a double genetic mutation that makes it difficult for my body to detox things like heavy metals in vaccines (no one knows yet obviously). My entire childhood my nervous system was messed up. My family tried their best, my dad was emotionally distant, my mom was over critical, manipulative, lied, smacked me around, pulled my hair, temper, hormonal issues, walking on eggshells. My older half brother I loved dearly but he left young (we have reconnected). My older full brother, the golden child, loved the power of being a babysitter too much. Beat on me every chance he could until mid 20s when I almost called the cops....
I can’t imagine what it is like to find out your girlfriend of 10 years was sexually molested more times than should have been...before the age 15.
I don’t know what it’s like for him, to have to support me with these new memories. He’s working his ass off, and more things keep getting thrown at us. I was tested for Lupus Friday, awaiting results. Next month is MS testing, along with being evaluated for Autism. On TOP of chronic recurrent abuse until my mid 20’s (emotional abuse from family still happens, in fact I am not invited anymore because I reacted to my older HUGE brother getting in my face calling me a “worthless fucking retard that can’t hold down a job”). I can never see my niece...
Things are a bit different. Of course I feel renewed and refreshed, but our relationship seems to be hitting bumps in the road. I’m with a man like my father (which is a good thing), however, I can never know what is going on in his head, but I’m going to continue to focusing on him & helping him within my limitations. He has been holding me up for so long now, he deserves some weight taken off of his shoulders. I love him so much.
My niece will be 1 this week. I am not invited to her party, was not invited to my mom’s birthday gathering. These are abusive people that I tried to love regardless because I loved them so much and wanted them to love me back. My inner child, is crying out, I can’t way to play around and release her, have more fun in life...however this family situation is killing me...
I sent an email to all, laying down my soul. My counselor wants to evaluate me for Adulg Autism, my genetic mutation is pretty destructive on my body, and with the gene that has been activated Lupus & MS are a high likelihood. With my prolonged trauma, having the Ebstein Barr Virus, along with my symptoms, it’s likely. Awai...
I hate #PTSD & #PMDD m, I am so saddened by my family are in a way jealous I don’t work (from what I have come to learn).
I have been conflicted my entire life because I always understood in a way why people behaved the way they did. My shame of how I’d react as a triggered response, kept me in the dark.
They find me still making “excuses” and “blaming others” I’m simply trying to explain AND apologize. It’s not a fake apology because I’m trying to help you understand why I had difficulty so we can prevent it from happening in the future again..
I may not have aspergers but my genetic defect makes me 75% more likely to, and I have all the symptoms. Severity of course depends on the amount...
I may have autism, MD, TBI, MS, Celiacs and a bunch of other things that with my double genetic mutation & a gene that has been activated due to trauma, I have a high likelihood of having at least one of these serious conditions.
It’s scary and I know I need a label to understand, but it seems just because I have the symptoms and not the official diagnosis *yet* (working on it) it seems to be all in my head.
I have been overestimated in the wrong area, as well as underestimated, much more. I’m sick of it, but I hate leaving my family behind.
They’re just in pain. They’re so much in pain the refuse to take responsibility for even 20%. I don’t need them to even take responsibility, but to st...
Leaving a closeted bigoted family is so much more difficult than I thought.
Battling disability. Battling lowering anti depressants because they actually blocked my serotonin from being formed for 10 years, having chronic pain since I can remember. Being sexually abused, as early as 13. Unwanted by me and undeserved. Physical abuse since I can remember by my huge older brother. I didn’t stand a chance.
The abusers want me to apologize to kiss their feet to be able to see my niece and nephew. Because of my reaction to my brother threatening me with his body and saying “what do you know? You’re a fucking rword that can’t even hold down a job”.
I do have a learning disorder. I might have bra...
I was so lost, and I am glad to be crawling out of the dark hole I was in.
Between zero self worth, seeking validation, fear of pain, fear of death, PTSD since 8, chronic pain, and depression & anxiety, I was paralyzed. It paralyzed me into an existential crisis on top of everything.
I was talking to everyone and anyone to help dig me out this hole of self hatred I was in. I now can see how I came off as manipulative, even though that’s not what I was doing, at all. I was afraid to look people in the eye. I was afraid of offending someone so I didn’t stop talking. I let people in, I didn’t know how to create boundaries.
So, I am learning mindfulness & social skills, as humiliating as it s...
I hate worrying my love. Now that the huge lightbulb clicked, I’m letting go of my fears. Every time I cry, he worries. I don’t blame him! He doesn’t have to anymore, and he knows this too.
My love, loves romantic comedies, happy endings. I never thought I was the happy ending he wanted (No pun intended, but it works).
His family scooped me up, they brought me into their arms & home and they held on tight. They surrounded me with love. Slowly...I broke out of it.
I thought for years he was with me because he was afraid to break up with me because I had suicidal thoughts. I understand it now. Once you let go of the fear. I have panic disorder and will struggle forever, but kno...
So many changes going on.
Breaking the cycle of abuse is painful.
Confronting your insecurities is painful.
Confronting your humiliation for actions that you do, in response to triggers...painful.
I still have no desire to drown this pain.
Pain is growth.
I am so afraid of pain.
I thought my eyes were open before but they’re wide open now.
You’re the abuser, you’re the bully.
You use your size for intimidation even as an adult.
I’m done being abused & pushed around by you.
I couldn’t wait for the day you’d stop bullying me and hating me, (everyone said once we were older we’d get along)
but that day still hasn’t come
I can no longer stay silent waiting for something that may never come.
I tell people to speak up...yet I’ve stayed silent so long. Too long.
Telling me to grow up when you’re using your children as emotional blackmail,
pawns in your game to punish me
for attempting to defend myself to you.
I know why I did, what I did, I will learn from it,
God, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy.
Lord grant that
I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood as to understand.
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned and...
It is dying that we are born to eternal life.
*St Francis’ peace prayer.*
I know why I am
The way I am now
My innocence was taken
At 7 years old.
My body is in constant fight/flight mode
Tensed up so much
I flinch at his touch
Even though I trust
Him with my life
I talked to my neighbor
At that time
It turns out I wasn’t the onlyonr
Having their innocence taken
We blamed ourselves, she didn’t want to break up her family
Her step dad was a monster,
I had that instinct then
If only as kids
We knew what was happening was wrong.
If only we didn’t have to combat it all alone. We played together daily...
We had so much fun,
But deep down...
There was a lot we were running from.
There are so many predators out there.
Because of all my issues, I decided to do a lot of research and try Psilocybin last night. I am amazed at the transformation on my outlook of things.
I did a mini experience and it was perfect, I had a buzz but not too much where I felt out of control. If I could deal with PMDD episodes, I can deal with a bad trip. Had a babysitter (my Love) and had so many more “lightbulb” moments.
I honestly feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I wrote everything down I was thinking about so I didn’t have to worry about remembering all the things I had learned. I realzie no one really cares what I learned. If they ask, sure! I did a lot of research before because I was was always worried about an “bad...
Trigger warning: child abuse, memories, sexual abuse
I always had a feeling inside that something wasn’t right. I believe we all have memories for a reason. Because they affected us, somehow. I had always felt like I had been sexually abused, I can’t explain it. I have symptoms of CPTD, I can relate to the sexual issues people have...
Some memories for some reason, I never put together until Wednesday night driving home from s doctor’s appointment . My brain must have known I was ready?
I had a lot of sexual harassment incidents before in middle school, high school, etc. I was raped repeatedly by my ex boyfriend, that dumped me because I didn’t give him enough sex.
Quick back story, K ...
“People fuck up. It’s the distinguishing characteristic of our species; bad decisions can come from a place of hate, or sometimes a place of love, but if you think hard, you know deep down which side that person is coming from.”
“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone that gets you. There is no pretending, just genuine compatibility. It’s 3:00 am talks; It’s dancing in the car; it’s laughing until your stomach hurts. It’s comfortable silence, it’s quiet understanding. It’s texting you in the middle of the night to make sure you’re okay. It’s showing you that some hearts never leave; it’s picking up the pieces; it’s bringing you back to life. If you are lucky enough to have a friend like this, hold onto them, appreciate them, love them. These type of people are hard to find. They are your down for anything, there in a heartbeat, forever friend.”
I am blessed to say that I have this with my ...
“You are strong, you are ready. You are a treasure in a jar of clay pressed on all sides, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but never forsaken, struck down but never destroyed.”
I’ve recently discovered what “gaslighting” is, and what manipulative people commonly say, so I know to stop the conversation as soon as possible because it won’t be going anywhere. I am seeing a great therapist, who doesn’t just listen (which with Medicaid that is very difficult to find) he also gives me tools to apply it in the situations that are affecting me the most currently. He has definitely set me onso sorry the correct course of healing. A few people (the few that care) have said the change in me these 5 months have been amazing. He has been extremely helpful, however the healing process is never easy.
I am also realizing...a lot of people that I relied on for my self worth, as we...
Anytime someone bullies you, try to think of it as an opportunity to learn a life lesson. Right now, this bully is consuming your life. They want to take your power because they feel powerless. Don’t let them take your power. Break the cycle of abuse.
At the very least, you’ll understand how to not treat others. At the very best, you’ll be transformed into a much better person than anyone who hasn’t gone through hardships. #itgetsbetter
Why is finding someone in close proximity, willing to make themselves available to me, for the random suicidal urges that hit me from time to time so damn difficult?
Plenty say “call me if you ever need to talk”, I call 5 people, not one returns my call. I need someone who means it
They go away. Sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and help me through it.
My love is amazing treats me like a queen but he’sp just one person, it’s that it’s not fair to him to have to hold all of this alone. He works an hour away. I need someone so I don’t bother him during the day.
So many people “volunteer” but none of it is real.
I FIGHT every single day ALL day.
—I FIGHT as I get dressed
—I FIGHT with food
—I FIGHT with housework
—I FIGHT my insurance
—I FIGHT my own government.
—I FIGHT for treatments,
—I FIGHT for equal rights,
—I FIGHT for parking spaces,
—I FIGHT for health aids
—I FIGHT for awareness,
—I FIGHT for understanding,
—I FIGHT for empathy.
I am ALWAYS fighting!
Please hold your judgements,
please open your minds.
This story I’m about to tell you,
it’s easy to judge,
to close your mind.
Two weeks ago,
a person I knew,
overdosed on heroin.
How did I know him?
I bought pills from him.
I have 4 invisible painful illnesses...with no cure.
There I go again
trying to seek validation
I’ve been to doctors:
I’m too young to be in pain
It must be all in your head
Take some midol
Here are some anti depressants they’ll help everything
I was suicidal
I couldn’t take the pain.
I buy on the street to partially function-
Making phone calls to insurance & doctors
Being on hold for hours
all while tracking my symptoms,
it’s a full tim...
I’m a night owl
through & through
The only expectation
Is to sleep
It’s my little secret
How late I stay up
It’s the only time
My mind lets me
Do what I want
Without all the guilt
Without the shame
That comes along
with the Stigma
Of an invisible illness.
I’m not being told
What I should be doing
How I should be doing
Need to be doing
When I can’t even do
WANT to be doing.
From the outside
I can appear fine
Inside’s a different story
I feel aged
a few decades more
I don’t go a day
It’s hard to even
let alone take
care of myself
I can’t even sho...
I live with this nagging fear that he isn’t IN love with me. I don’t doubt that he loves me. It’s been 10 years he MUST to not have abandoned me. However, we both know if he did leave... I have no where else to go.
He knows how abusive my family is. He knows they would throw me in a psychiatric ward the first chance they could get. My family, convinced me I couldn’t possibly be in as much pain as I say I was in, I was too young; I must be an addict. My issues (besides anxiety & depression) are physical. I have four diagnosed chronic pain conditions, that have zero cure & a hormonal disorder that hijacks my brain that makes me appear to have borderline personality. How do I know it’s not? ...
“I hate that my life is passing me by while I’m in a daze, unable to be fully present with people I love and experiences I want to savor. I live my life in slow motion but around me everything is speeding by and it terrifies me how much of life I am missing”.
My love’s mom’s best friend: “I’m retired call me anytime” i call her because I needed help getting through a “suicidal feeling episode”
I cry and try to explain parent situation & she told me told I don’t have a good enough relationship with God. I need to pray, the devil is with me everyday. I told her I’ve been switching from BC to progesterone to another BC so my hormones are making everything bigger because PMDD and I felt alone. She continued saying the devil is with me and to want to stop to seeking validation by just stopping and praying. Then I told her I’m on the edge, bearing my soul, trying not to want to die and not wanting to be alone.
She said she was going to call 911 that ...
I just realized... a lot of my over thinking & anxiety is because my entire life I have had my feelings, instincts & educated opinions invalidated, by the one woman I trusted most, my mother. So I 2nd & 3rd guess myself because I don’t trust my feelings, instincts & educated opinions.