|Chronic illnesses: genetic mutant. My body rules my life. I like: TV/podcasts/Psychology/Dachshunds & self-improvement. Happily in ♥️|
You think you see me.
You think you know me.
I guarantee, you don’t.
My own mother thinks I’m a burden.
My “friends” think I’m negative.
Society thinks I’m worthless.
My brother thinks I’m a “retard”.
Others think I manipulate & seek attention.
I’m too sensitive, they say.
I can’t take a joke, they say.
Most think I just make excuses
for the reasons I struggle to live.
You see, I am not worthless.
My sensitivity is a gift,
I laugh quite frequently.
Small things break my heart,
small things also make it burst.
I am nothing like you
Say I am or want to believe
But you will never admit that.
So it remains easy to not
for abandoning me
in my time of need.
So you don...
The saying “walk in someone else’s shoes” is oftentimes misinterpreted. So many individuals think this means, put ourselves in the situation another person is in, to try to understand what they’re going through, however this can still fall short of true empathy.
If we picture ourselves in their situation, we are still picturing ourselves, not the other persons, in their situation. It is likely that we would handle & feel differently than them, because how people perceive & experience things is tied into how they were raised, filtered through any traumas, personalities, familial support, cultural aspects etc. They are not us & we are not them, imagining how WE would feel or handle a situation...
CW: suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, meltdown
Struggling so so badly tonight. I have incurable chronic pain stemming from 4 different issues. It’s untreated & I spend my days couchbound & in agony. I don’t have friends in person. They’ve all left (and weren’t true friends to begin with). I feel like a burden, the pain is interfering with my emotional processing even more. I already have difficulty containing such giant emotions. I just exploded tonight. I kicked things over, threw some things, sobbed, dug my nails into my head, pulled my hair. I hate myself so much for being such a burden. I hate the unrelenting pain. I hate the exclusion and isolation from society. I have a small support sy...
Triggering day on social media. People being inconsiderate about the Autistic community asking to stop supporting “light it up blue” because it’s a shady charity for Autism & allistics are pushing back HARD instead of just listening to those in the Autistic community! Moms thinking they know better because their sons are autistic. Look, if a community of people are saying something is offensive & you aren’t part of that community, LISTEN.
Also, Joe Biden is a giant perv, and my aunt (the one I liked though I seem to be liking less & less) was upset at the “timing” of two women coming forward about inappropriate touching. She said report it right away if it matters so much which is incredibl...
It’s been a while, I don’t know why I’ve stopped writing here but I’m definitely going to start it back up. Things have been improving a bit financially: I was finally approved for disability! After fighting for 5 years through many denials. I am so shocked & happy. Though there is an issue with SSI & my backpay & Trumo is trying to cut benefits, still... it’ll be such a huge help.
I’m not going to lie, politics here in the US are scaring me: the clean water act has been reversed so corporations can have looser restrictions on dumping chemical waste in our waterways. With my gene mutation I already detox 10% the rate of a normal person which is why even fluoride & regular deodorant (aluminum...
Last week a healer decided to take me on for free of charge. This “healer” told my spirit guides backed off, that I am too broken & negative & all this stuff that made me feel so horrible when i had finally felt proud of myself & my progress. I feel I’ve made such huge improvements over the years with my change in perspective, thought processing, positive self talk & heading that as someone who still struggles sometimes with abandonment from complex ptsd to sometimes suicidal ideation because of physical pain/self worth issues. She offered to take me on for free & then the next session we agreed it wasnt working. But long story short, I was caught off guard & really wrestling with why my spi...
So I watched something on Gaia about how to heal your inner child through lucid dreams. I have never been able to lucid dream on command, it happens naturally. I have posted a clip of the documentary below. About 2 weeks awaiting to try what they suggest in the video, I had a lucid dream!
I called her by my childhood nickname like they suggested. She (I) appeared!!!!!!! I was so much younger than I imagined I’d appear, I was about 3. I remember telling her everything will be alright, how much I loved her and she is safe now & hugged her.
Again, about a month later, I had another! This one was much longer & I feel there were guides with us this time. I found myself lucid dreaming & called f...
I struggle with understanding the difference of processing & ruminating. I struggle to understand when I’m feeling the pain healthily & when I’m prolonging it unnecessarily.
My counselor & psychiatrist believe I am on the spectrum and after reading about how differently it presents in girls & females and the more I read about the differences in brain processing, I felt like an entire world opened up for me. 🤯 Things I could never explain that went on in my brain came to light. Everything made complete sense about myself. That’s how my brain works! At 32 almost 33 I am starting to figure it all out. It makes complete sense to those close to me as well (minus my abusive family), but since I haven’t had an actual evaluation there are also a lot of people who make it clear they don’t care to extend support & I have also been bullied out of some Autism groups as well ...
Not everyone is blessed to have supportive & understanding families.
It’s important to remember to take care of ourselves first.
This is always difficult for me because I am always expected to put on a smile & not react to snide side comments or blatant in my face comments like being called a “worthless fucking retard that can’t hold down a job” (and much worse but this was most recently). They can exclude me from my niece’s giant 1st birthday party and I’m expected to smile & celebrate with them for Christmas? Like they didn’t completely break my heart? I am so sick of being part of a family where it’s perfectly fine to hurt me, say horrible things to me, exclude me, abandon me, and when ...
Last year around this time I was having an incredibly hard time with passive suicidal thoughts & and my bf was still an hour away from being home & I was scared to be alone because I was having intrusive suicidal thoughts. I really needed someone to just come sit with me until he was home. I reached out to someone that told me to be the first person I call if I were ever feeling this way... so I did.
She came over & when I tried to talk about how I was struggling, she told me I was manipulative & I just wasn’t praying for the right things & that’s why I was depressed. I was shocked... did she have some kind of wire tap listening in on my prayers to God? How the hell did she think she knew ...
“Suicidal people deserve so much more than being told the main reason they shouldn’t kill themselves is because of what it’ll do to other people. We deserve to feel like our lives are worth living, for our own sake.” I read this on twitter and it completely hit home for me.
The difficult thing for me when I was at my worst was hearing people tell me how selfish it was of me to put people through that.
You know what I thought? Where are those people while I’m suffering day in and day out, huh? What people? How selfish is it for YOU to want anyone to live a life 20 years (and counting) of severe pain, depression & incurable illnesses, which are undoubtedly only going to get worse...just so Y...
I wonder what it’s like to be able to plan outings, and not worry if I’ll still be able to go when the time comes. I wonder what it’s like not having to worry about anything other than what I’m going to wear if I go somewhere. I wonder what it’s like to get calls from friends and just be able to get up & meet up somewhere. I wonder what it’s like to have a clean bill of health everyday, minus a cold or two a year.
Social media is my lifeline to the outside world since I am stuck home alone all day. I love seeing decorations and celebrations but it’s also a constant reminder of all the things I’m missing out on. I’m really struggling this holiday season. There is so much I want to do with li...
It’s been a while. I’ve been having health issues, gallstones. I had my gallbladder out almost 3 weeks ago and it didn’t go so well. I’m taking a while to recover. After surgery it took over 12 hours to get my pain manageable. For a routine surgery that most go home within hours. I had to stay overnight. I can’t stand my body. I can’t stand the pain all the time. I’ve been having a rough time lately. I’d blame it on it getting colder but it’s been longer than that. It’s been most of the summer. I spend my days sleeping on the couch, because there hasn’t been much else for me to do. My health is too unpredictable, and I literally don’t have any friends to call me and hang out. I have my love a...
I am a positive person. Being positive and thinking positive doesn’t take away every single struggle.
Me being positive I deserve and will get disability will not make that necessarily true. My mindset is not in control of the government. I’m trying so hard to have faith in the process and waiting, but it’s killing me.
I’ll be on the streets if I’m denied. I’ve already gone through the appeals. But I’m invisibly ill and relatively young so I can’t possibly suffer that much, right?
All I want is to be a normal person that can go do normal things. People get jealous I can’t work but I also can’t do things I WANT and NEED to do.
I don’t get to go out and have fun with friends. I don’t get t...
I had a nightmare that I was denied disability and was going to commit suicide.
I haven’t felt that helplessness since December. I don’t want to feel it again. I have been fighting for disability for over 3 years, disabled 8. I can’t keep doing this.
My stomach has an ulcer or some kind of serious pain. My food isn’t digesting, I’m throwing it up 12 hours later. This isn’t normal. I can’t get into a doctor for 2 months.
Everything hurts and I feel so helpless.
What a sucky dream, but if I get denied I won’t be able to afford to live. What will be the point? I can’t take anymore suffering.
Woke up with such a horrible mindset.
I am certainly learning the art of patience. The state is taking their time deciding if I am eligible for disability or not. I have only been waiting 4 years.
More doctors appointments coming up this fall. I am also beginning a 10 week microdosing regiments with psilocybin (magic Mushrooms). Back in December it took me from suicidal to passionate. I have now gradually (with doctor’s help) gotten off of two anti depressants and two kinds of pain pills. I am freeing myself from Big Pharma and feeling so much better, gradually.
If I don’t get disability though, I’m not sure where I’ll be able to live, how I’ll even get through any more. I’ve just been hanging on, barely. 2 months, why does it...
How the hell does one pass time when no movies, tv, books, nothing not even eating seems fun. This is a different kind of hell. I feel like my brain is in solitary, and I’m dying to get out.
Almost 2 months I’ve been waiting for a disability decision. Part of me wants it and part of me doesn’t (if it’s a no). Not sure what we will do or where we will end up if it’s a no.
My entire life literally leans on this. You cannot support two people, one disabled under one income. You can barely support one. These few months have been brutal. Waiting for such a huge decision that will impact every single part of my life. I miss what it’s like to just go shopping. I miss being able to go out to dinne...
If you enjoy my lettrs, I have until the end of the day to get $100. I have until the end of the week to get $1000. Paypal.me/jrk421
August 2016 I got in a fender bender. I got out of the car to exchange info and apologize and there was no damage. Meanwhile this middle aged man got out screaming and threatening me. I feared for my life and fled the scene. I was taken in ruthlessly and they added 10 charges all on the guy’s WORD for how I drove trying to escape him. He was following me and I was too afraid he’d follow me home.
Court took a year, and now my court fees are due. $1000. I won at court, because of my severe cptsd & the fact that there was no damage but I still have to pay $1000. ...
True friendship isn’t conditional. Family isn’t conditional. Love isn’t conditional. True friendship doesn’t exclude or abandon and neither does real family. I’ve been unfortunate to experience both.
I’ve been wasting most of my life so far seeking unconditional love from people who are only capable of loving conditionally (or not at all).
What a change it makes when you surround yourself with people who will love unconditionally. No matter what. People who won’t hold it against you if you can’t make it, if you’re not feeling well, if you’re overwhelmed. People who will always invite you even if they know you probably can’t make it! People who understand I have different needs than other...
My best friend finally, finally had the courage to leave her abusive BF. She moved in with my love and I so she can heal and figure things out. I hope so much she can find the healing that I have found in this home. I hope so much she can get through this. She deserves so much more and so much better. Change in my life sure is coming, I could feel it. I’ll be a little out of my comfort zone because I am a complete introvert, but this has been laying on my heart for months, if not years. I’m so proud of her.
I have finally, on Tuesday, took the last piece of anti depressant poison that has blocked my serotonin. I’m experiencing “brain zaps”, dizziness, and some tiredness. I look forward to these withdrawal symptoms being over. Over 10 years on this poison that took away my ability to look to the future, dream, to feel any kind of pleasure. I have worked so hard since December to reach this point. I’m too numbed and dizzy to be proud, but I will be once it’s over. It’s been a long time coming.
These past 8 months have been a journey. Lowering my anti depressant (that blocks my serotonin) by 75% & trying to find the right dose of another to compensate for those withdrawal effects...has been a journey.
I have days where everything is perfect and I am so blessed and thankful for all I have. I don’t lose that gratitude, but I lose my emotions. These past 2 weeks I’ve felt numb most days. Numb and restless, but with no motivation. Days are long. I’m sleeping a lot because nothing else interests me. Not even TV. I can’t seem to sit still, I’m just completely distracted.
We are adjusting my meds once again, lowering them again. But I hate waiting around for things to even out. I also h...
Got to open my mind up to the universe again tonight. She spoke softly and lovely. She whispered my purpose. She told me I am everything I already wanted to be and more. She told me to keep going. Slow and steady. She told me to trust myself, and my instincts. To not build walls, but fences. Ones that can be mended much easier. Asking her to use her light and energy to protect myself from the harsh words of judgement; to have them quite literally reflect off of the light I know I have inside me, that I am going to let shine.
This little light of mine... I’m gonna let it shine...
Giving back to the community working at the food pantry and helping inspire others is my purpose in life.
I want to give back, I don’t want a job that just pays money, I need a job that gives back.
When I get to the point where I can work again, go to school again, I can’t wait to see where my path leads me.
There is a blessing in surviving suicide & suicidal thoughts. I have felt rock bottom, which is hating myself so much I thought it’d benefit everyone if I were dead.
Now that I know that’s not the case, I can help others see that as well.
A thing that sucks about Medicaid & non profit counseling is just when you get to know your counselor, they’re done with their graduate rotation and leave...not to mention I believe I am on the graduate level I have had to teach myself psychotherapy to cope because I am so misunderstood and I need a counselor with a lot more experience.
They ask me what I advice I’d give my client if I were a clinician. It’s annoying, I’ve already had to do that enough. I understand it’s a therapy tactic. I just want to be told how to heal and what to do! I have been trying to save myself my entire life. I’m tired of doing the heavy lifting.
It’s something I’m really struggling with.
Today is incredibly triggering. This week is. I spent 10 years reaching out only to be called an attention seeker, manipulator, etc. I was suicidal 10 damn years and reached out and 2 people helped me and I am alive because of those two people. Not everyone is as lucky as me.