Explore
Sign Up
Login

Lillian

PO# 620034
United States
United States
Wordy, wannabe nerdy, mama & g'ma blogging on all things mental health related at Neurotypical is Overrated on Wordpress.
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
5
0
December 12, 2017
 

The Gift

I immediately thought of my son’s wife. If I had the ability, I would give her the ability to carry a child to term.

She’s experienced at least three miscarriages. The last one I’m aware of was her first pregnancy with my son, three years ago. It happened at the same time as my adult daughter was birthing her first child, six weeks early.

She was there to offer the support my daughter needed during a time when our relationship was so broken my daughter couldn’t receive support from me.

Since then, my daughter has birthed two more children, the newest of which was born on Thanksgiving. Both times, she has been the one my daughter called to transport her to the birthing centers.

...

WOMAN
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
December 12, 2017
Portland, United States

Semi-daily gratitude

The weekend got busy and I had difficulty thinking about what to be grateful for.

I planned to stay home Sunday and work on cleaning/organizing my apartment - I’m what you would call “messy” and clutter abounds. Instead, I automatically woke up early, then decided to go visit the church that’s closer to where I live and where I hope to build “local” community. It’s Advent season and I’m definitely in the “waiting for good news” mode.

It was cold and I was grateful to have the use of my ex’s car and that I’d found on street parking less than a block away the previous night…a very rare occurrence on the weekend thanks to a collection of social venues with no parking of...

PEACE
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
December 9, 2017
Portland, United States

Most Saturday mornings I wake a little while before my alarm goes off at six.

Why so early? Because I am part of a small faith community which has grown smaller as we’ve gone deeper into relational and spiritual growth. We are few, but mighty. Just about everyone who is part of the community gives of themselves whether or not they have the financial ability to give.

For the past few years I’ve taken on the task of putting together the chart books for the worship team. Often, I arrive early enough that I’m the one opening and unlocking doors and turning lights on.

Today when I arrived, there weren’t any chairs set up in preparation for our service. That was unusual, but, I decided to do my...

LION
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
1
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
3
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
December 5, 2017
Portland, United States

Daily Gratitude

My relationships with my children have been very rocky and difficult. My parenting abilities were greatly lacking while my oldest, now adult, children were growing up.

Having a mentally ill, emotionally disordered parent involved in a long-term, toxic relationship with an egocentric, less than capable and mature person has similar effects to growing up in a home with alcohol/substance abuse and domestic violence.

They have memories of DV experiences which I have no memory of. That is very real and true. It’s called dissociation and repression on my part and it’s a profound trauma response and automatic coping mechanism. However, I didn’t know that’s what was happening wit...

STRONG PEOPLE
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
3
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
4
0
December 3, 2017
Portland, United States

Daily Gratitude

Yesterday’s worship and teaching service was the first Advent teaching and centered around Hope.

Our teaching elder said something I’d never thought about before. It was the idea that in order for Hope to exist, there must be something which is wrong, broken, scary…painful happening. Hope is the anticipation of something better coming.

Hope is the opposite of dread…and apprehension that something bad is coming.

I’ve lived much of my life with dread and very little hope. Recently, I’d nearly given up hope that things will improve. Especially my ability to cope with parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum.

Since last November, I’ve lived with a sense of dread about what w...

THE BEST
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
December 2, 2017
Milwaukie, United States

Daily Gratitude

Well, again I missed writing out my gratitude yesterday. So, I’ll double up today.

I decided not to fight the bedtime battle the night before and just started bedtime two hours later.

We’d planned to go to Family Fun Friday at her school. But I’d forgotten to set the alarm, as well as the correct time. 😂

She was cooperative because she had something to look forward to, with me. Since I hadn’t battled with her the night before or the morning of, I had the energy and good attitude to actually follow through and go on the walking field trip with her class.

Yesterday was a WIN and I’m very grateful for that.

Today’s gratitude is that I was able to get up, get going and ge...

SAVE THE WORLD
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
November 30, 2017
Portland, United States

Daily Gratitude

You may or may not have read my letter responding to the “Family” prompt. If you did, then you’ll understand today’s gratitude.

Today, I am grateful that my little girl went to sleep less than two hours past bedtime and without a physical battle,

LET FAITH BE BIGGER
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
3
0
November 29, 2017
 

Daily gratitude:

I forgot to do this yesterday…kind of like I forgot to take my meds. I remembered I needed to do it at a moment I couldn’t do it - I mean, I could express the gratitude. I just couldn’t write it out. Honestly though, I didn’t do either.

So, I’m back today.

Yesterday had three things of note to be grateful for:
1) my ex volunteered to let me do some emergency laundry - clean bedding is important, y’all.

2) I found out the health style changes I’ve been doing the past couple of weeks are working and I’ve dropped 6 lbs.

3) I got my eyeglasses in the mail from Warby Parker.

Today I’m grateful for the daily opportunity for a fresh start. I’m also grateful that I get to go h...

GIVING DAY
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
November 28, 2017
 

“Please! I’ll do ANYTHING! I’ll get up early. I’ll go to school. I won’t fight you,” she whined and wheedled, desperate to watch another video on YouTube.

“NO! It’s already two hours past your bedtime” declared her mother.

This continued for several minutes before she’d had enough of being denied. She climbed on top of her mom, placing her full weight of nearly 80 lbs, forcefully and determinedly on top of her mom.

“OW! That hurt!” complained her mom while twisting, trying to bump her off like a bucking bronco.

Successfully free of the weight of her daughter’s body, she lifted her leg in an effort to hold the nearly nine year old at bay.

Not really thinking clearly, just reacting, she ke...

GIVING DAY
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
4
0
November 27, 2017
Portland, United States

Why does it still hurt?
Why can’t it end?
Why can’t I still call you friend?

It’s been 11 years,
But feels like yesterday,
You just stopped calling me friend.

My eyes are leaking.
My chest aches.
I really miss you my friend.

I wish we could talk.
I wish we could be honest.
What happened to my confidant, my friend?

I don’t know how to let it go.
I don’t know how to end the grief.
I know I’ll never again call you friend.

LET IT ALL OUT
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
November 27, 2017
Portland, United States

Daily Gratitude

For this day I am grateful. I have this moment to choose to be the best version of me possible in the here and now.

I am awake and I have another chance to parent better, love deeper, and live more fully.

For this day, I am grateful.

GIVING DAY
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
November 26, 2017
 

Gratitude

Apparently studies, both using the scientific method and anecdotal information, have shown that a conscious and consistent practice of being grateful can impact and alter brain structure and neurochemistry, thus having a constructive and positive effect on the brains of those experiencing depression.

As someone who has been subject to chaos, neglect, and abuse through childhood and multiple toxic relationships as an adult, gratitude is not a language I speak naturally or well.

I have experienced all forms of depression throughout adolescence and adulthood.

Currently, I’m riding a wave of happiness and gratitude. I don’t want to lose this state of being. It’s been so rare.

My i...

GIVING DAY
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
3
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
5
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
1
0
November 23, 2017
Portland, United States

Skylark Challenge 114
Entry 2

Overwhelming, darkness, vicious, reflection

My heart is filling with overwhelming darkness. I can’t stop the vicious reflection on how unimportant I feel to the ones I love so deeply.

I’m not a martyr and I know it’s not about me. But, finding out, via social media, that my grandchild is being born really hurts. I shouldn’t take it personal, but, I really can’t help it.

Thanksgiving has always been a conflicted holiday for me, as have the births of my daughter’s children. I guess it’s only fitting that those two events are converging today.

So many feelings when I just want to feel joy and that’s nowhere on my emotional menu. All the old feelings of worthle...

HAVE FAITH
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
4
2
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
7
1
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
4
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
3
0
November 16, 2017
Portland, United States

WOD: Taint
Novel Writing Prompt

Pandora’s Box, Part 6

Pandora and Acharya glanced at one another in veiled amusement.

He gazed at Cymberly and validated her position, “Guardian is a very important role. I’m certain you do your job well.”

Pandora chimed in, “Please forgive my earlier rudeness. I was tired from today’s events and disoriented from all the new things I’m discovering. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Thank you both. It’s nice to be recognized for what I do and your apology is accepted, Pandora. Tell me, what brings you to my meadow on this glorious eve?”

“Well, you see, I…,” Pandora started, only to be quickly interrupted by Acharya.

“Pandora and I are on an excursio...

NOVEL WRITING MONTH
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
7
0
November 16, 2017
Portland, United States

Thursday Thoughts

The direction of our gaze,
Determines our ways.
Face, always, toward the goal,
For a life lived full and whole.

Thumb_letter_signature_1510880957
POSITIVE ATTITUDE
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
5
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
4
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
8
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
5
0
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
12
2
November 13, 2017
Portland, United States

Daily stream of consciousness:

There’s something about the three o’ clock hour. I frequently wake up during that hour.

Once upon a time, that wakefulness was a sign that I was somewhere on the Bipolar cycle on the manic side. It was a time of great creative output.

Now the Bipolar is being treated. I’m staying in my meds, mostly, like a good little girl. If the trade off is that I’m stable enough to have stable relationships with my adult children and in my grandchildren’s lives, then, so be it.

There was a time when, apparently, an apnea episode occurred and my body stopped breathing long enough for my brain to wake it up an take in oxygen again.

Now, I sleep with a breathing mask, att...

SNOOZEFEST
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0
November 11, 2017
 

Cycles

Reckless
Restless
Breathless
Anticipation

Higher
Desire
Wildfire
Elation

Memorable
Vulnerable
Comfortable
Foundation

Thumb_letter_signature_1510468633
RESPECT
Thumb_1491275500
PO#620034
2
0