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Lillian

PO# 620034
United States
United States
Wordy, wannabe nerdy, mama & g'ma blogging about my journey of health, healing, and life at Human In Recovery on Wordpress.
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April 11, 2018
Portland, United States

Choices

I recently made a choice, one which perhaps I should regret.

Why regret?

Well, because part of me feels bruised, broken…shattered even.

The problem with the idea of making a different choice means several things:

• I probably wouldn’t have gotten my writing voice back for awhile.

• I might not have processed, or started processing some things underlying the PTSD.

• My self regard wouldn’t have shifted and grown in a constructive manner.

Do the feelings I’m experiencing now suck?

Sure they do. But, the thing is, turning the switch to shut one emotion off, shuts them all off…at least in a constructive way of feeling.

If I hadn’t had certain experiences outside my control as a...

LOVE, HER
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April 11, 2018
Portland, United States

Inner Voices

Missing you
Feeling sad
Sorrow and grief

Missing you
Feeling grateful
Pleased and thankful

Missing you
Feeling mad
Angry and crazy

My rational brain tells my emotional brain,
“You’re being ridiculous!”

My emotional brain responds forcefully,
“I’m hurting. STFU!”

RB: “What’s the point of all the angst? It doesn’t change a thing.”

EB: “I’m mad af! STFU!”

RB: “Why do you even care? We knew it wasn’t meant to last.”

EB: “I thought we had more time…time for me to adjust. Leave me alone and just let me be what I am and feel what I feel!”

RB: “But there’s too much to be done. There’s no time. Suck it up!”

EB: “The feeling bag has sucked in so much, it’s torn and leaking. I...

LOVE, HER
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April 6, 2018
Portland, United States

I can’t begin to imagine
All you’re experiencing
All you’re feeling
All you’re thinking

But, I SEE you…
I see YOU
I see the conflict
In your eyes
I see the clench
Of your jaw

I HEAR you…
I hear YOU
I hear the tension
In your voice
I hear the overwhelm
In your tone
I hear the frustration
Of your words

Anger
Grief
Blame
Guilt
Relief

Hope
You have
Hope
And ideas

Dreams
Underneath
In the midst
Of it all
I know
You have dreams

Hold onto the
Hope
Hold onto the
Dreams

Feel your feelings
Let them flow
Through you
Move through them

Hope and dreams
Are in it
Through it
Around it
Waiting for you
On the other side
Of all you’re going through

You are seen
You are heard
You are known
You ...

COURAGE
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April 5, 2018
 

Imagine You and Me

Imagining you
Imagining me,
How can it be true,
What you see?

Thinking of you
Thinking of me,
Wondering anew,
How can we be,

Desiring you
To desire me,
The same as I, you…
The passion of we.

Wanting more from you,
To want more from me.
My heart’s askew,
Feeling you flee.

Am I losing you?
Are you leaving me?
Are we already through?
Presence is key.

Here and now with you,
Here and now with me,
Quells grief undue,
Relieves my anxiety.

Enjoying you
Enjoying me
Lifts me to
Inner peace.

©️2018 lem

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MAGIC STAIRS
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April 4, 2018
 

Mindfulness

Managing
Incessant
Nagging
Drowning
Frenzied
Unproductive
Low
Negative
Extremely
Strong and
Shattering thoughts through observation and acceptance.

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NOBODY IS PERFECT
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April 3, 2018
 

Twisted

Man, you’ve got me twisted,
Tied up, turned around
Rehearsing ‘til my words seem scripted.

I’m reaching out too much,
Obsessed, infatuated
Thoughts of you have become my crutch.

Nothing else seems to matter,
Be important or crucial
You’re making me mad as a hatter.

Writing this instead of texting you,
Chatting or messaging
Lack of self-restraint is quite vexing.

This distraction isn’t enough:
Inadequate, faulty
Exercising self-control feels too tough

Our agreement is understood
Clear and accepted
For both of us, it’s what is good

Grant me my sanity, oh Lord,
Strength and power
To resist, mind clear and restored.

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HAPPY EASTER
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April 1, 2018
 

How do I stay present?
All I want is to escape…
To evade
To avoid
My inner rage

How do I stay present?
All I want is to hide…
To cover
To conceal
The fear inside

How do I stay present?
All I want is to deny…
To refute
To curb
My hidden love

How do I stay present…
To anger?
To fear?
To love?

I must learn to remain…
To abide
To be still
In impossible peace

I must accept I am welcome…
Wanted
Beloved
The all loving King of glory

I must remember I am given…
Provided for
Supplied with
Everything I need to live

Teach me to be present…
All I want is to be
In this moment
In the now
Present to all that is

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LION
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March 28, 2018
Portland, United States

Heart’s Assent

You have me rattled
My words have gone astray
My heart embattled
My sanity has gone away

There’s so much to say
The words in my head, addled
I want to run, but stay
My nerves raw, bedraggled

You have slaked my thirst
You have tamed my desire
Mentally, you’re the first
To push past memories of ire

Your love, for now, I aspire
My heart threatens to burst
Your resolve, I must admire
My thoughts have reversed

It was never my intent
It was never my plan
To give my heart’s assent
To entrust it again to a man

Yet, here it is, here I am
Restless, yet content
That we’re over as we began
Yet, to you I choose to submit

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DAY OF TRUTH
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March 27, 2018
 

Eyes glistening with unshed tears
Fighting the well founded fears
Aware of our end from this beginning
Foreknowledge in my brain is spinning

This is not a forever love
But, still a gift from above
To enjoy our time and desire
Not the time for a funeral pyre

I must accept what we have now
I simply don’t know how
Anticipation of our end with dread
I must get these things out of my head

I feel my focus switching
My perspective shifting
Now is the time to appreciate
The good that is, to elevate

My heart filling with deep gratitude
I’m making appreciation my attitude
I’m so lucky to have you in my life
You are my respite from strife

Your subtle care and overt desire
Sparking to life my intern...

DAY OF TRUTH
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March 26, 2018
 

Progression

Melancholic
Words dancing in my brain
Trying to make sense
Trying to explain
This senseless pain

Contemplative
Thoughts tumbling in my head
Spinning a web
Spinning a story
This pointless worry

Processing
Memories jumbled in my mind
Coloring my past
Coloring my present
This fading scent

Realizing
Knowledge hiding in my soul
Judging my history
Judging my choices
These loud voices

Calming
Feeling your presence in my heart
Receiving acceptance
Receiving love
Saving gift from above

©️2018 lem

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SOUL
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March 24, 2018
Portland, United States

This Isn’t Love

Longing for your glance, your touch.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
My mind is not my own
Excruciating anticipation.
Resistance is useless.
Excited and breathless
Can you feel it, too?
Eventually, this, too, shall pass.

Limerence
lim·er·ence
ˈlimərəns/
nounPSYCHOLOGY
1. the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

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THE PATH NEVER TAKEN
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January 31, 2018
Portland, United States

Beautiful

How can I miss what I’ve never had?
The intense caress of your eyes.
You see me as beautiful.

How can I miss what I’ve never had?
The firm softness of your lips on mine.
You tell me I’m beautiful.

How can I miss what I’ve never had?
The soothing touch of your strong hands.
You make me feel beautiful.

How can I miss what I’ve never had?
The warmth of your body entwined with mine.
You teach me I’m beautiful.

How can I miss what I’ve never had?
Your steady heart beating with mine.
You are beautiful.

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WOMAN
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January 19, 2018
 

Pain

There has been so much pain in my life. Some days it seems never ending.

From sexual abuse in early childhood, my mother’s suicide when I was 12, my first relationship based on his manipulation and control over me, 18 years in a toxic relationship, parenting a special needs child, to the estrangement between me and my adult children, I have struggled mentally and emotionally.

A major effect of these things is PTSD and higher levels of the depressive states of the Bipolar Disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed with either until four years ago, when I was 44.

The trauma and stress has also manifested physically in the form of the chronic pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia, as well as chronic ins...

RECOLLECTION
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January 14, 2018
Portland, United States

Cocoon

You have been my cocoon
Immobilizing me
Protecting me
From the world outside

Inside your soft barrier
I have been reduced
Simmering in the miasma
Of who I used to be

Within your walls
The essential me
The zygote
Cleaves and forms

I am becoming
Reforming
Changing
Growing

I am struggling
Fighting to break through
Your insulating chrysalis
And soar as I am meant to 


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RESPECT
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January 5, 2018
 

My kiddo went to sleep before 9 pm!

Monday & Tuesday were well after midnight. Wednesday was after 11.

It’s a minor miracle that I’m truly grateful for!

A NEW DAY
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December 12, 2017
 

The Gift

I immediately thought of my son’s wife. If I had the ability, I would give her the ability to carry a child to term.

She’s experienced at least three miscarriages. The last one I’m aware of was her first pregnancy with my son, three years ago. It happened at the same time as my adult daughter was birthing her first child, six weeks early.

She was there to offer the support my daughter needed during a time when our relationship was so broken my daughter couldn’t receive support from me.

Since then, my daughter has birthed two more children, the newest of which was born on Thanksgiving. Both times, she has been the one my daughter called to transport her to the birthing centers.

...

WOMAN
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December 12, 2017
Portland, United States

Semi-daily gratitude

The weekend got busy and I had difficulty thinking about what to be grateful for.

I planned to stay home Sunday and work on cleaning/organizing my apartment - I’m what you would call “messy” and clutter abounds. Instead, I automatically woke up early, then decided to go visit the church that’s closer to where I live and where I hope to build “local” community. It’s Advent season and I’m definitely in the “waiting for good news” mode.

It was cold and I was grateful to have the use of my ex’s car and that I’d found on street parking less than a block away the previous night…a very rare occurrence on the weekend thanks to a collection of social venues with no parking of...

PEACE
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December 9, 2017
Portland, United States

Most Saturday mornings I wake a little while before my alarm goes off at six.

Why so early? Because I am part of a small faith community which has grown smaller as we’ve gone deeper into relational and spiritual growth. We are few, but mighty. Just about everyone who is part of the community gives of themselves whether or not they have the financial ability to give.

For the past few years I’ve taken on the task of putting together the chart books for the worship team. Often, I arrive early enough that I’m the one opening and unlocking doors and turning lights on.

Today when I arrived, there weren’t any chairs set up in preparation for our service. That was unusual, but, I decided to do my...

LION
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