|Widow, Mother, Sister, Daughter, educated, working, opinionated, & loving. other Lettrs https://lettrs.com/linda8 Love to write a book one day|
I woke today with this headache. You know the one that squeezes the bottom of your skull. My muscles in my neck feel so tight it is tender to touch. Did I sleep much, probably not but I open my eyes. I am alive. I can do this.
I am feeling, breathing, moving. The rain has stopped, the sun is shining, the birds are singing. My mini chihuahua, Choco, yawns as he stretches up to my chest to search for me to pet him. He yawns in my face, Yep, It's time to get up.
I can do this.
The kitchen fan is blowing, it is loud. I can still hear the morning noises so clearly. I put my coffee in the straining cloth pouch and put a pan to boil water. I sit at the kitchen table, I begin to smoke my...
So hard to sleep.My stomach hurts, my heart aches.
I tried to meditate, I cried, I spoke out loud to Freddy hoping he could hear me in the after life.
I started looking through my phone and came across a random voice memo of a conversation between Freddy, my daughter and myself that I recorded without them knowing in March 2018. 5 months before he died from Cancer. I never listened to it. This recording went on for almost 20 minutes. We were laughing, joking, with our daughter then she left the room for a few minutes. He and I were alone, we were teasing each other, talking about the show that was on, we were talking politics, being sarcastic, laughing.
Time has come to a halt. My world has flipped 360 since the last time I wrote. On August 6, 2018 I lost my beloved husband of 25 years Freddy (Wilfredo).Feliciano. He was 45. He held on 3.5 yrs after being given 8 months to live. He was the strongest person I’ve ever known besides my mother. It was a long, tiring, painful journey and Cancer won. Stole him for us. I am forever changed. I had a love so deep, it’s timeless. I will love him forever and will miss him every single day as I have since he died
I will honor our conversations on what I should do after his death, yet I’m somehow stumbling along. I feel like these months have been a blur.
Flew back to NYC this past Sunday from Californ...
Im watching my hubby of 24 years asleep on the couch. He is 44 yrs old, stage 4 cancer metastasis to brain lung and bone. Invasive surgery may be eminent. He is terrified as am I. Brain surgery is nothing to take lightly.
We want to live our lives with passion. But this Cancer has robbed him of his spirit. Sometimes I wonder if the chemo is even worth it. I would rather have his pain managed than add a few extra weeks of his life totally miserable. His pain in his head is so bad there is no quality of life.
His immunity is weak, he's afraid to catch a virus because a virus would more than likely kill him if not the Cancer. Wearing gloves and masks out of the house is great for d...
I'm exhausted. It's been 6 months since mom passed away. It's been 2 years since the hubbys diagnosis of terminal cancer. The time frame is rearing its ugly head. It's unnatural to know your going to die. Cancer keeps our life on hold. I miss days of being able to enjoy life. But without the money to make it paycheck to paycheck. Meds not covered. No help from anyone one. Waiting for my tsunami to hit. Husband dying slowly. Cancer has no cure and its aggressive. Teenager going to college but she has a TBI so I'm not pushing too hard. But we've lost a hearty chuck of money each month. We're losing benefits since my daughter turned 18. We cant get a break. I wish I had a million dollars. I'd i...
I miss your voice. I miss your smell. I miss your laugh. I miss you so much. I feel so empty without having the job of caring for you. I talk to you in heaven hoping there is one.
I don't feel your presence like people told me I would. I don't feel like your watching me. I pass your grave daily and wonder if that is the end. Nothing more, no heaven, just no more struggling now.
I'm hurting. I'm alone. Knowing my husband is dying of cancer and my teenager will be off to college has me stressed about living my life alone. I know I can do it but I don't want to deal with that change. I want him to stay with me till we're old. It's not going to happen. Our plans crushed.
Waking up wit...
It's been a long month. Baby girl came back from the university. It was quite the experience. I love the fact that she grew up a little bit this summer. However, I'm kind of busted for the summer for buying school clothes and having items available for her. It's kind of hard for me since I had been out of work for a month due to a remodeling. I want to be able to provide for my daughter the best that I can but sometimes it's so hard to explain to the kids that we're basically poor. There's nothing I can really do about that no matter what I have a job and make only so much. I have to take care of mom, I have to take care of my husband, both disabled. Now getting ready for a sweet 16 party in ...
Moms coming home. I feel like I didn't even get a break. Crazy she's been gone 10 days and I got a call everyday with an issue or a problem. Moms got the onset of dementia and is mentally ill. I wanted her to visit you before she forgot her wits, feelings, words. She's stable but not for long. I hope she remembers this trip. I don't know if she'll be able to make another. She's losing her mind. It hurts to watch. She's so angry about it. I would be too if I thought I knew what was happening but really didn't and couldn't tell. Mom has love but she's not the same she's changing. Hostility, yelling like a kid, pouting, acting out. I feel embarrassed and take it personal but at the same time sa...
Feeling no better since this acute asthma attack. I hate not being able to breathe well especially since I am going to see baby gurl perform today. She will be coming home from her college program after 5 weeks. Seems like eternity for me cuz she's my world. My miracle. My only. I never realized how empty I am without her. How I encompass all I do around her. I think I need to change some of that before college really comes around. Can't imagine going they empty nesting. Only one more day till she's home. I'm hoping today I can breathe easier and get stronger. I don't want her to worry about me. Here's to another day. Enjoy
Its been that kind of day. Late first thing in the morning, late bringing my daughter to school then late to work.
At work, I thought since I like my job, it would remove this cloud that has followed me since my waking moments. Nope, that did not happen. I was forgotten about while helping a coworker on their break and was never relived of that area for the rest of my day. Hey, I can deal with it, its retail, no biggie. Then I get the text on my phone. My daughter is texting me telling me she feels horrible and to come get her. She's a teen going through PMS and feeling down. So, I tell her when I get out I'll be there. I await my time to leave work, waiting for my relief. 15 minutes til...