It was the early hours of my birthday.
I was instructed to find presents in the dark.
Until the lights came on.
I turned around.
There you were.
On one knee.
Looking up at me.
Lord knows why you let me drink a little alcohol before you proposed, but I was questioning whether it was real or not.
But there you were.
Smiling like a fool.
And I said YES.
Be right back, I’m on my way to becoming..
A red swollen face looks back at me .
Her tears have dried for now.
But soon again I will be at war with her.
I laugh at her a little.
How silly she looks.
How sad she looks.
Sometimes I do not know who she is.
Yet, I go to war with her everyday.
She has mastered the art of disguising feelings.
Perhaps a bit too much.
For she can no longer decipher which emotions are truly hers.
Who is she ?
It is me.
I am she.
And she is me.
My heart is full.
The man of my dreams is not in my dreams anymore. It took me 25 years, 3 broken hearts, and 1 whole bottle of Taylor Port to find him.
You were in my dreams the other night.
But you are not my lover.
Nor am I in love with you.
I like it better if you stayed right where I left you.
Because I am happier here.
Wherever you go, take me with you. Write me in every chapter of your story. Let me hang on each corner of every page of your book. I’ll be any word. Any character. I might not have been there at the beginning of your story, but at least I could die happily knowing I was there at the end of it.
I have a soft spot for a man with rough hands. A delicate touch, feeling as if he too had created me out of nothingness. And leaving his marked imprint, as if he was signing me off as one of his masterpieces.
The loneliest nights.
They keep you up til morning.
And haunt you during the day.
Trust me, I have looked for you everywhere.
I wandered from one soul to the other.
And along the way, I lost myself.
So I built walls around me that reached the heavens. Left no space for anyone to crawl in.
My ears were deaf to the sound of my own name. Had visitors that never visited. No interest in a world that stole mine.
Well, only you and I know the rest of it.
If your heart is broken
Let it break.
Let it break into however many pieces it breaks to.
When the tears keep coming,
Go ahead and cry yourself a whole damn ocean.
Drown yourself in it however many times you want. You will do this for however long it takes. Until you realize that those pieces is still your heart. A heart that beats for you. And slowly, you will pick up the pieces and build yourself another one. The size might be different from the first. And that’s up to you. The shape might be a bit off. A discoloration here and there. But you will make sure this one is a stronger one. You will protect it from anyone, everything, and anything. You will decide to build a wall around it. Or ...
We walk alone
There’s no road.
But wherever we are going
At least it’s a somewhere.
Because I’ve seen footprints
that lead to nowhere.
We’re both in bed.
But we’re also both in the wrong bed.
I’d give up this blanket for the warmth of your arms.
This pillow for your heaving chest.
And even the moon in exchange for your presence.
I want you but you are forbidden to taste.
I want to taste.
So bad that it hurts.
I remember her.
The other woman.
I remember trying to fight a war I was already losing.
I used to look for her in every picture he was in. And when I did find her, I would stare for a long while. I felt hurt and betrayed. None of this was her fault of course. She never even knew I even existed. How sad that sounds.
Not a day went by without her occupying my thoughts. I was drowning in her. Even in my sleep, I met her in my nightmares. Her very common name made me wish I didn’t have ears or eyes. This woman haunted me for a year or two.
And now, I am free.
I am free.
It’s 3 am.
You are sleeping next to me.
I can’t sleep.
Perhaps you’re right.
Drinking chai before bedtime was not a good idea.
It’s 3 am.
And I’m crying.
Because you are beautiful.
Even when you sleep.
Even when you snore.
The way your strands of hair fall perfectly around your handsome face.
I am even jealous of your dreams.
Is this what real love feels like?
We tend to forget we’re tiny little things living on one big rock in the midst of a much bigger space. Doesn’t that make you wonder in its amazement? Like wow. Imagine all that’s out there that we do not know of yet or never will.
I would not trade you for anything in this world.
Or in any other world.
I would not trade you for anyone I have lost in the past.
Or in any lifetime.
And if you need anything from me, I will willingly give.
If your heart decides to stop working one day, please take mine.
I'd rather lose my body than to lose all of you.
Have you seen my heart?
It’s been missing for a couple of months.
It must have grew legs and ran away from me.
If you just so happen to find a man with more than one heart, let me know.
You will not do the cruel things they did to me. But what they could not do, I am hoping that you will.
I love all of God’s creations.
But you are my most favorite one of all. And sometimes I like to think that when He made you, He made you just for me.
My dearest Anshu,
My thoughts look for you the most when I go to bed at night.
Baby, you and I.
It is only the beginning of this journey.
We haven’t hopped on the bus yet, but my tiny suitcase is bursting with feelings.
Baby, where are you taking me?
I held hands with time once
But it left me twice before
Came back to me three times
And asked me to meet him somewhere
So then came the fifth night
I waited but he was nowhere
With my heart in six sad pieces
I am still waiting there.
I’ve concocted so many failed cures for my loneliness. But the most important ingredient I always failed to find was self acceptance.
One lonely night when I was lost in a place so remote
I once hopped on a mysterious mans boat
He took me to places I’ve never been
And whispered me words doused in serene
I was so in awe of such a human being
A presence so strong that my fragile soul was healing
But on the night I fell in love
He tossed me overboard and sailed off
I wept and I wept and I wept
The ocean is deeper today because of my tears it kept...
That man and his boat.
Why didn’t I realize that it was my insecurities that kept it afloat?
Sometimes, I like to imagine many versions of myself crowded into one room. Everyone would be me but at a different age. It would start from 5 little year old me to the 25 year old me today. And I wonder. Would we all get along?
I don’t know whether I should cry or wave my mixed feelings happily in the air. Very soon, I’ll be approaching the end of a chapter in my life. I have always been the type of person to look back and wished I could have changed things here and there. But looking back now, I wouldn’t change a thing. From the biggest decisions to the littlest detail. From the many heartaches to worst mistakes. I would keep it all. There are some things you really have to go through to understand it all. You’ll think that you lost pieces of yourself ... only to realize that you’re replacing them with something much stronger. Remember the moments you thought you weren’t going to be able to p...
My mistake was placing us so high so that when we both fell, I was the one who was hurt the most. You walked away unfazed. I was left alone to find the pieces of my broken heart. And now, I have become selfish. I don't want anyone else to have it. This heart is mine. And mine alone.
This is it.
My favorite hiding place.
It is my place to seek comfort and peace.
It is where I depend on the words of strangers to build me an armor to face this cruel world.
And yet, here I am again.
Cheer up! Life is too short to cry over someone who doesn't think about you everyday! Look at you! You are alive! Yes, your heart might be in pieces but it still beats. But now its the time to let it go.
You will pick yourself up.
You will wipe away those tears.
You will dust away the sadness.
You were made for great things. Think about how far you have come. From your very first memory on this earth til now. You did not come this far to spend months crying over a man!
I urge you to go after the things you love to do.
Spend as much time as you can there.
Take much much better care of yourself than you have before.
Everyday is a new beginning. ...