I’ve found myself once again not being able to sleep,
to find comfort in a touch that is now a raging memory coursing it’s way through tear filled eyes that used to be caused by love.
My skin feels like an open wound
I have grown lazy to take care, dragging myself out of bed only to find out that my nightmare was in fact my reality.
How do I cover up a secret I wear on my body as effortlessly as I wear clothing?
But it was no secret at all, more so the illusion of thinking I could carry on a relationship when I was the only one lifting the weight.
This baggage under my eyes, over my shoulders, pulling every sense of motivation I struggled to form now diminished.
Maybe heartbreak is the...
I can no longer look at you the same way, I can longer pass my fingers through your hair or on your skin.
You disgust me.
How could words hurts penetrate the mind so deeply, how can this moment become so fatal?
Everything going through my mind feels like a weight, something I have learned to carry on my own rather than hand it to innocent souls.
I want to talk
I want to let go of this pain
But I'm scared to call it real, I rather let it grow and wither than let it die again.
Is it messed up I take it all in, knowing it's bad?
Why do I feel this why
Why do I care?
Why should you?
And just like that,
She desperately wanted to be surrounded by her own darkness, pushing even a glimpse of light out.
Digging her grave,
Carving in, caging in
Once again trapped inside,
Giving in, giving up
A last goodbye
No more fighting, no more pain
I didn't think it would escalate this quickly,
That the bullets within me would fire
Not failing to miss this time.
I feel invisible, as if my actions have no meaning and my words dissolve into nothing.
I am nothing.
No longer can I find strength from within,
I am broken.
Relapsing into this episode I did not plan on rewatching, a scene being played over and over again of the horrors I had pushed back.
Haunted and alone, just the right combination to my the target my mind,
I have fallen with no intent on standing up again
I find some things hard to process
Like food I refuse to chew down
Heavy on the jaws
Sitting here now, watching the world around me rise
You have to step back and admire it all for a moment,
Admire the work in the painter's detail, their approach to a vision only seen by one.
I had envisioned my own,
long ago when a stronger side of me had become herself,
become all she could.
Looking into my own reflection I see a past I once grew too common with,
a nightmare made reality, as if waking up was the painful terror.
Watching myself fall into temptations once more, songs of sirens pulling me into this dark fate.
How will I learn to find myself when I keep getting lost?
Let me in,
Flourishing myself through the hollow parts of your body, fitting like pieces of a puzzle
Resting on the idea of comfort and pain ruling each other out
My mind has withdrawn itself from this level of intimacy,
pushing itself further from the truth of forgiving and living
Taking breathes without the need of being measured, as misleading as it may be
Feeling the freedom, being lifted from your mind's horrors
Is the real search for happiness,
Something I'm in deep need of
Dear people who have hurt me.
I wanted to let you know that I am not angry at or disappointed in you, more so I pity your actions. You have chosen to hurt a broken soul and not seen the warrior she carries inside. You have been blind and not cared enough to ask yourself the story she carries. But I write to you now, that I truly needed your harsh words and disgusted looks because as the years grew on you, I started building myself up instead of down and you were left looking up at me, as the tree I was and still am. Full of wisdom and nurture, I feed off your negativity transforming your lies into my soil. So now tell me who has truly lost. For those of you who have brought me happiness, a da...
I feel distanced from your meaning, the definition of being in tune with all of you like a note being hit effortlessly
I've forgotten you, I've forgotten your struggle and your peace and your pain.
No longer seeing you beautiful but arrogant.
I have forgotten you
Out of all the people I should love most, I find it fitting to fall deep within your hollow burrow, right next to your heart
Like I used to do
Like I used to love
The meaning of my self loving has shifted, has been questioned by the hanging realization that you and I are no longer in remembrance to us and our fight!
I will try to love you
I will try to heal you
I will try
But I can't place myself next t...
The twisted thing about Love
Stuck in the moments
I wish to relive
To feel that strike of warmth
Hit my bones,
Mixed into my
And my love.
To get used to inside.
Inside the darkness I try so hard to hide
You want to push yourself back into broken wounds.
Places that aren't foreign to you
Highlighted in the crowded
Problems I hold
How can I escape you?
If I love you,
I always have
Your leftover bruises,
I've gotten so used to them.
Somehow now I'm craving them,
I want the pain,
I want the tears
The drama of lowering myself to push you above.
Degrading the women I've worked so hard to love.
I feel my sanity slipping into the cracks of un-replied texts and empty glasses.
I drain myself for others,
Give them sips
Of my energy
They feed like children from my breasts,
I have spread myself out
Like a piece of paper
Waiting to be tossed
Just to know
That I feel that the nerves
With more than my body.
Don't confuse my vulnerability for an invitation of your pity
I am strong minded
With a weak armor
Im in process to rebuilding foundations of years I have neglected and fed off to bad love making and good alcohol.
Years I wasted on ignorance and tyrants who pushed and shoved my love like a pill back into my throat
I was catching up with and old flame, revisiting our intimacies.
The journeys from sneaking out at 2 am, only to be found half naked in a car a few hours later.
The adrenaline of having a body to tease like a puppet, only to cut off the strings and find a new toy.
He asked me what my life was.
I responded with the excitement of publishing a book.
Puzzled, he wondered what the topic was on.
"My life," I said.
I'm not the cocky type to flatter myself with narcissistic comments and snares.
I knew my life had adventures few MY age had lived.
Travels and sorrows,
Partners and meaningless moments only to be lived precisely and ultimately my challenges.
My journey throughout my self love...
Suddenly it became harder to speak, to see the colors.
Something I felt before,
But somehow now it has become permanent
Damage I can't even undo
We got lost in the music, memories, the pictures...
This shouldn't hurt this bad, but losing you reminded me how big of a hole you have dug into my skin.
I never felt love til you.
You made me love you without effort, for comfort
I gave you myself,
Now I stand with nothing,
Crying on the 5 hour bus ride home I should've taken with you
Something that pierces under my skin as a needle
Soft and then all of a sudden
I leave just how I arrived,
Without a trace or reason
Goodbye, to someone I expected ...
The loneliness eats at me sometimes
The feeling of having the greatest soul next to me, but not feeling the comfort she once gave me.
The calls no one answers,
The texts from the wrong people.
I feel a push in my belly,
Ignoring the truth of its existence, only to neglect a more stressing future.
Distancing myself from sense of thinking, my mind a puzzle I no longer have the pieces to.
I loved so many, but they never loved me back the right way.
Now I am stuck to answer questions I am yet too ignorant to put together answers to.
This weight I feel I can no longer carry on my own, only ask for you to be the ease,
I guess we are all selfish after all...
You used to write poems for me
Describe the delicacies of my heart,
Surrounding myself with lavender nail polish
You'd write to me
Like a song only I knew to sing along to
I would've given my all, and so would you
But the greed of taming something to be yours
That's where you failed me
Where we mistook love for attraction
A cycle I accepted as habit
Letting you in, then throwing you out
The confusion of my own emotions or intentions
I have also failed you
I failed my love
Through protection for myself
My survival from falling in love
The love letter
The meanings of your two am calls, the small reassurances you give that you'll be there, "promise."
The touch of your hand on my cheek, and that smile...
The missed calls, your lies.
Misleading texts, the moments I hang onto and you forget over with a hangover.
I try to mend you like a fragile vase but keep cutting my fingers on the edges.
I never wanted to open my doors, but you pushed yourself in anyways.
You took someone you knew would give their all for you, their heart and soul, breaking trust.
Trust, something I can't give out for free because I'm cheap and don't want to afford the pain.
I give and you take, spoiling you with my presence, yet you still don't ack...
I send much love to those brave souls sending me private letters. If I take a while to write back, I apologize, my world is spinning faster than I could walk on it.
If you have feedback or want to just shoot out a letter, I appreciate it very much!
To any of you who are writers like myself, be awesome and show the world (and most importantly yourself) what you can create.
Have a beautiful day or night!
With big hugs,
Is a question I find myself asking too much.
"Why did you get upset?"
Or "why didn't I ?"
I find my mind always attempting to process the words we leave behind and the actions we use to replace them.
"Why?" Is a simple question with a vague response.
How we choose to confront it is usually where we fail.
But failure isn't something to mourn over since we are nothing close to the idea of perfection.
Our failure shows us the cracks of existence attempting to redeem itself in some way.
Why do we linger on answers we don't want to hear?
Unconsciously setting ourselves up for that heartbreak and failure of a response we run from.
Not truly comprehending the capacity of our ...
Be kind to those who supply you with respect or indulge in your affairs.
Have trust in those who make themselves vulnerable to you.
See what the eyes do not.
Do not rely on acceptance,
do not feign from smaller
issues than the truth.
Teach yourself to the read the words not spoken to you, displayed through motions or colors.
Show yourself simplicity and affection.
Do not put limits on your dreams or underestimate responsibilities and most importantly,
I have found myself
Left to ponder my lobes
For left over thoughts
But in this still moment,
This quiet rush,
I am awaken.
Brought into a path
And scarce parts of love.
I ask myself for the acceptance,
But I can not grant it.
My duel mind
I am a bundle of things "leftover "
The emotions that run through me, poison my voice.
I speak the words but
Lack to hear them ever be said
I find myself
But lost in a realm
Where my only prisoner is
I hold the keys
And the locks.
I hold the light
But project the dark.
I find myself in oblivion,
Unaware of my own intentions.
Dear new body,
You have presented yourself
in a time I didn't think I could take much more.
When I thought
I had overcame the games and the obstacles in life.
You were tricky to admire,
or even love.
I didn't expect to feel this way, until the challenges came along.
I thought all my self love had been given out,
but here you are.
I could hardly recognize you, like a past I was scared to touch again.
You had your reasons,
and I'm glad I could experience them.
For the journey of my loving
to not just my body
but my soul
has not yet finished.
So I make this promise today,
A promise to not judge my appearance,
however "ugly" to me or others...
My independence of being hurt
Something you will never understand:
Your lack of sympathy and effort restrict you to do so. Your fault in simple questions as to my health and well-being.
And for that I've had enough, both from you and the others.
My life has been a series of natural disasters and instead of being the support you broadcast me
like a disease.
I am tired.
Of you, and them and all.
I have been cut down, torn up, made into ashes.
But there is nothing holding me back to you or anyone else to that matter.
Maybe I needed the insecurities and the lies, to realize the true heroes in my life.
Me,myself, and I
Sometimes life throws us challenges,
gives us broken roads.
And sometimes the last thing you need is friction against your wounded feet.
I am no "badass"
I have had more battles in my journey than I could handle.
I have had betrayals from people I presumed
were my allies
through these hardships.
I found myself
looking to my best friend, myself,
the reflection I once rejected and honestly hated.
I hated them so much,
I sought my own destruction, funny enough...
when I least wanted it.
Now I'm laying here
with the guilt
of a beautiful soul
I have deformed
Maybe it was a sacrifice of this internal battle,
but I have chan...
Why I don't write about "love"
They write about their lovers and
and their discrimination towards the sexualization of a women.
I don't have the amount of heart to discriminate nor lovers to speak of.
They come and they leave their scars
And they go.
There is no living in the past.
For the past,
Is something forgotten,
Although they take their toll on time.
Those will sting the most.
I don't feed my energy on bad moments,
Or failed relationships
Or "what could of been."
I look to the small souls that now create the impacts... It may not be your
But that is the love I write about.
The love you see when your ...
Back when everything was in slow motion
and you'd call me
crying at 12 am
because you were
and needed a hug.
When I woke you up
to spend more time
when the days we had left weren't our priority.
The days we fought,
I hated your spoiled butt, the days you hated mine.
The days between
the road trips
and long flights,
How you would convince me to sleep over
for a cup of coffee
made by the best,
and the cities
and the memories
are still there
but it's as if every time I'm there,
something is missing...
rid me of your lustful thoughts,
for now I don't rely on
you made me believe
could only be filed by you.
there is a light shining through my vision,
I am enough
for myself and darling, that's all I need.
Sometimes I want to get lost in the world
Look into my books, my poems, my coffee.
I want to see with new eyes,
dance into new adventures, as our them...
I want to be filled by my self love
to be in power of who I am
or cloud my thoughts with the negativity
of my past
I want to be strong
and by hell
I'll stop at nothing to get there.
I have waited,
Waited in the dark corners
Of your mind.
Waited, in those tear filled
For something I did not expect you to give me.
I did not expect you to care; and so I sought it out through others.
Through empty vessels, empty people.
They touched the layers of my skin,
But not the layers of my heart.
I searched for your acceptance,
I felt desperate in my need of you.
But was surprised to see, that you had been there.
You had been there since the start.
Since the moment,
We first set foot on this earth,
We were meant for each other
We were PART of each other!
So now...tell me you need me too,
Fill my heart with all the love you have been giving awa...
The emptiness of my
I am trying to catch up on blurred
I can no longer relive
With my own mind.
I am empty.
I can't sympathize with you,
Because I have lost the capacity
Why can expect you
To understand the
Holes I have
In my hands.
Letting you slip,
My hollow bones.
The chaos of these rattling
You have walked over to
Step into my life.
Don't paint me
Like a picture in your mind,
Because I am not a piece of art.
I am nothing but
A piece of paper someone has left on the classroom floor
Because they were too lazy to pick
It up before they left.
Don't pity me,
I am broken, ...
Reminiscing with fallen dust underneath
Coaches I have avoided to
Avoided to look at,
To lay upon.
I tend to direct my view on
Lesser issues than
But dirty floors pile up
And cat hairs.
They pile up extra troubles.
Troubles I can't handle in quantities...
So I avoid,
I avoid till my glass overflows
With wine I can no longer
wrap my numb lips around.
Clustered with branching thoughts
Of feeling and caring,
But for what?
What do emotions contribute or
Allow but overwhelming pollution.
I can no longer open myself up like a
Rose, for you have plucked my thorns,
My offerings and made them seem
You say define me.
I don't like sweepi...
I wanted to comment on the following subjects:
First off, I'm very grateful for yesterday's "Letter of the Day."
Means a lot to see people enjoying my poems/letters.
Second off, some people had mentioned my background photos on my letters, I'm an armature photographer, so they have been taken from yours truly!
Wishing you all blissful days or nights ( for some of you).