|This account has been created to reflect on my life choices and actions and use them as lessons for the future.|
I had always wanted a nice loyal guy for life, with whom I could share my life, joys, sorrows, everything with. Unfortunately, it has never worked out that way till date. Never had the opportunity to establish a marital home, nor did I have a happy marriage.
In spite of all the trouble and a very shitty 2018, 2019 was my transitional year. But, I couldn't write a review of the year like I always did at the end of the year.
Now standing at the precipice of buying my own property this summer, I wonder if I am making the right choice. The decision was made last year because having my own flat would mean my husband/boyfriend/partner could never kick me out again just so they could ...
I never seem to get my entries complete, instead they lie in my drafts box for ages.
Anyway, these are midnight ramblings, but things I keep wondering sometimes.
As all my friends and girls my age are getting married, I wonder what lies ahead for me. I have had these really passionate, heart fluttering relationships where nothing ended well and it took me years to overcome the trauma, depression, self-loathing, guilt, anguish, heartbreak, trust, love, self-esteem, self-respect and what not. My marriage ended the same way all my relationships ended, me being cheated on and humiliated way out than a girl deserves who has always dreamt of having a loving, kind, loyal, caring guy i...
So much has happened over the past year since I last wrote anything. Not that I didn't try, I did, on actual pen and paper, but I couldn't keep up...
I am not the same miserable person I was last year. I made a lot of progress in finding out who I am and who I am destined to become, I evolved as a person who acknowledges the love, self respect, respect from others, care and appreciation I deserve.
In a way, all the horrors of last year made me grow and learn and understand life better. They helped me find my way, my direction to where my goals were lying undiscovered.
I am proud of the person I have become as a result. It was a dark empty tunnel for so long, but I trav...
Lately, I haven't been myself. I have changed enormously (drastically seems the wrong choice because the change has been hugely positive) over the past year. Everything I once was, I am not, anymore. My way of thinking, feeling, perception, everything has changed. I don't recognise the girl I was before October 2018. She feels like a disaster that was waiting to happen. Thankfully, with some 11th hour help from counselling and a couple of friends, I saved myself from ending my life and instead turned it completely around.
However, despite of all the progress, I am lost. I feel terribly, terribly lost. I am very proud of the long way I have come in a very short span of time, but I...
I never told you this did I? When I was a teenager, about 15, my notebooks used to be filled with John&Juhi, a signature of mine. By full, I mean entire notebooks and diaries. In fact, Juhi derives from John and Miku. I had eliminated some letters from both the names and made an anagram of Juhi. This name meant the world to me and anywhere I went, that's how I would introduce myself. Introducing myself as Juhi, being called Juhi used to give me a different kind of power and energy. The name has always been very empowering to me. It meant freedom to me. I wanted to be the Juhi to my John. And there you are, my John.
It's an amazing thing, destiny! As I grew up, I had forgotten all ...
~ MY HUSBAND ~
There are infinite mistakes he has made in recent months, and I have made a list of all punishments accordingly that I will mete out to him. No, I am not cruel. He deserves them, because without any fault of mine, he has punished me unjustly all these months. He's made me cry myself to sleep half the nights, and the other half, seething in revenge. All I had done was be depressed for a month. That's not my fault! You can't avoid depression as surely as you can't avoid an accident a second before it occurs! I needed help, love and care; instead he abandoned me, humiliated me and left me to fend for myself while he went off to fuck and dance with a Polish bitch (I don't have any...
I am not gonna obscure/disguise your name here because you don't deserve it. You deserve to be put out into the world and let the world decide for you. You are a wolf in a lambskin. You are a predator who waits till darkness to pounce upon the unsuspected weak. You have no idea the mosnter you created in me.
Everybody calls me an amicable, kind, gentle, caring, loving, etc. You and your mom included. But you will see very soon how wrong you were. You have no idea whom you crossed paths with. I don't let off people easily who wrong me.
Ever since I met you in May 2017, I have helped you unconditionally and endlessly. Yan too. He slept on the couch while you slept on his bed that...
AN ODE TO YAN...
In the diaries of a thirteen year old
She imagined a lady of twenty and five
Dreams to fate that she sold
When she became twenty and five
The lady of her dreams was elegant
And married a boy named John
Strength was his element
And came from Marathon
An unplanned encounter at Lebowski
He sat in dazzling white clothes
Ready to charm her was he
Whereupon seeing him she froze
They talked for hours and hours
Till the sky was full of stars and moon
Each other's lives they couldn't fully devour
Therefore they promised to meet again soon
Love blossomed as sure as spring
And happiness knew no bounds
Breathlessly each would cling
To the other with arms around
Theirs was a love ra...
I bought the book, "The Power" by Rhonda Byrne a couple of days ago. It explains that to feel happy, we should count our blessings and things that we love. Easier said than done. Making a comprehensive list of all the things that I love is an impossibility when I am struggling with the idea of "love".
Therefore, I have decided to write a letter each day describing at least one thing that I have in my life, that I love. This way, hopefully, I will have a comprehensive list of things I love, by the end of the month.
~ BEING MARRIED ~
I am absolutely in love with the idea of being married. No matter the present circumstances and situations regarding my wedding, I am hopeful that they...
Hope you are well and hqppy.
As each day passes, my feelings for you are changing. It's been about a month now that I wrote to you last. In this one month, I have had moments of weakness, paranoia, grief, happiness, contentment, hope and everything in between.
However, in recent times, what I feel most strongly is hatred. Hatred for you and your actions. I told you in my last letter that now was the time to come back to me. May be it still is. But as time passes and new things unravel, things that you kept hidden from me, things you did behind my back, things that can only make me feel cheated and humiliated, I have started hating you.
And try as I might, I cannot force away tho...
It's been 2 months since our wedding and we aren't talking. How I wish things were different! How I wish you could find contentment and happiness with what yoh had! How I wish you could be happy with me even when the going was tough and I was at rock bottom!
You have accused me to be childish, but aren't you too?! You've run after shiny new toys when the old me was broken...
I have often wondered how I would take you back when you return with nothing but apologies. Sometimes I lie thinking how dare you sleep with some other girl while claiming to love me and promising me wonderful dreams and futures. But after a lot of thought in the past couple of months, I have found my answer....
~ Feelings ~
I have been sick for almost a week now with strong vertigoes. So I have been mostly bed ridden. But a week later now, I have become so lethargic and my bed has become my comfort zone, again! I thought I had got rid of this comfort zone of mine by going to the gym and running. I was wrong.
While lying down for hours at a stretch staring into oblivion, I have these amazing visions of being back with my husband in all perfectness, living the dream life we always dreamt of. But when the desperateness of the situation sinks in, my mind turns negative and I vehemently hate his actions. I start condemning him for everything that he has put me through. It's been almost half a year apar...
~ Random thoughts & feelings ~
I am so pissed right now. No amount of working out has dissipated my anger. Instead, going to the gym is a bloody chore for me. Perhaps because it's not self-motivated. I am doing all these for him. And there he is, gloriously spreading lies even to his parents. What the fuck is wrong with him??!!!
I am drowning myself in self-help books to find in me an ounce of forgiveness so that when he comes back, I can forgive him! I don't always talk with people about him these days because they end up judging him. So I am trying my hardest to deal with the situations myself, but he keeps fucking up.
Some days, I am just so tired of trying to keep up with his ever cha...
~ Random thoughts ~
I finally had someone to talk to about the Secret today. Apparently, I am doing it right, except the gratitude and happiness parts. I knew that already since I am bad at being grateful and happiness comes by quite hard to me. I am trying to change these as much as possible.
A day ago I suddenly realised that I was concentrating too hard on not having my husband, and therefore, I don't have him. I am presently devising ways in my mind and elaborating on my visualisations to convince my being that he's with me. It's hard to do that as the rational mind vehemently opposes the untruths, but then, I need to have faith. Faith is all I have right now.
The person I talked to t...
Okay! So today I am writing because my counsellor had said it would be a good idea to jot down random thoughts and analyse them to see why I feel a certain way.
I have been conflicted, worried, scared and anxious about the future the past couple of days. I often used to believe that history repeats itself and it has, in my case with partners and relationships. They always leave. But my ex broke that monotony in 2016 by coming back. So doesn't it mean that my husband would come back too?
I want to stop the "history repeats itself" thing in my life. I am done and tired of people leaving me. I want to learn to create boundaries, so that it's me who leaves first if there's a...
50% of my day is spent listening to my heart crying for love from my husband. My heart yearns for him so much. Other 50% of my day is spent getting rebuked by my brain for wasting my time. It's a constant war that stretches into my dreams and becomes nightmares.
Some times I would be so tired and desolate that everything seems illogical. I would read a book or think positive, and things would be right again. I am so scared of the future, I wish Yan was with me now just to say everything will be fine soon and we will be together again.
How is it so easy to move on? Why is it so easy to replace me? Why do people always leave me alone? Am I gonna end up alone for the rest o...
It's 8pm in E and last year, on this day, we were together. We had met at 5:10pm and we had hit it off like crazy.
I know, deep inside you still have feelings for me. And I know, you are going to come back to me. I'll wait for you no matter how long you take.
I am sorry that I have been such a bitch. I have ignored all your emotional needs for the past few months. I took a long time to realise that. I am really, really sorry. Please forgive me. I should have been more supportive and should have taken care of your feelings. I have treated you like crap the past few months. Although I am grateful for all the things you have done for me, I have rarely shown any appreciation or grati...
Happy 1 month!!!
Wish I could say that to you. I remember gifting you a diary on our 1 month of relationship. When I go to the gym, I wonder if you still use the gym bag I gifted you for your birthday; and if you do, do you remember the gift hunt at midnight, do you remember me?
I miss you so much Yan!!!
It's been a month since I sat across you listening to how you wanted to have "something serious" with another girl. I begged and pleaded with you so much to fix things between us. Every time I think about that evening, my heart bursts out.
But I guess I needed a lesson in a lot of things, and I am getting them. I hope, someday you have it in you to forgive me and see how much I...
I am sorry! I am so sorry that I fought with you so much. I wish that someday you get to read this letter and know that I was sorry... 😔
This is the first time I did not back down from a fight with you. This is the first time I have been so unashamedly rude to you. This is the first time I have talked back to you. This is the first time I have told you I don't wanna let you control me ever again. The truth is, I want you to control me, to be there for me.
It is very hard for me to imagine a life without your love. I will live it, but it won't be the same. I am seething in a very dangerous jealous fire right now seeing or hearing you talk about some other girl. You see, when I lov...
Please please help me!
I want my husband back!
Imagining him in someone else's arms is eating me up!
Before all this happened, I was thinking he would focus on his work like he said. Now he wants to move in with her? After just dating her for a month?! What's wrong with him?
I know I have made mistakes and he's afraid to take risks, but why couldn't he, or wouldn't he give me some time to amend them? I am doing everything in my means to be the person he always wanted me to be. Why doesn't he wanna see all that? Why does he want to do all the things with some other girl, the things he planned with me?!
Dear Universe, please show him his way back to me. Please sho...
Letter to self:
You are so depressed these days although you want to be happy. Cheer up girl!! There's so much good in your life, yet you are crying for one sad incident. Below are few reasons for you to be happy and sad:
Reasons to be happy:
1. You have an amazing husband just like you dreamt of in your teenage, especially one named John!
2. You have two amazing families - your own and your in-laws. They love and support you in everything. They care for you and are proud of you.
3. You have made some really good friends over the years - Sm, Anu, Tj, Ws, Ana, Am, Rz, Arv, Par, Pri, Pal, and Yan. There's always someone or the other whenever you need a friend.
Do you remember that it's my birthday today? I couldn't sleep all night because I felt that you are out with your new girlfriend for Friday night, but would have mercy on me and give me a call when you get home. Guess I was wrong. I thought, at least you would reciprocate how I made your birthday special at midnight. I know you made me celebrate two days ago, and I am was really surprised and touched. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but you could have given me a call tonight!
After thinking all night, I have decided, I don't deserve this. I deserve to be treated better. I deserve to be loved the way I loved you. I deserve to be cared for, the way I cared for you. I don't deserve y...
I am getting married after 3 hours and 12 hours ago I was sitting across the table and listening to my husband-to be tell me how amazing his new girlfriend is.
I wish this was a real marriage. I wish we were in it together. I wish we could avoid do this altogether!
He's such an amazing person and I hate to see him go this way. I tried my best to convince him to see us together again. Tried to make him understand that I am ready to fix everything that went wrong. But I quit.
He is on a rebound relationship now. I am keeping my fingers crossed that he has his moment and realises what he is losing right now. I am not perfect, but I want to be; at least I am trying.
Why do people...
I have an amazing life, surrounded by nice, kind people. I am always learning and discovering new things, experimenting with the unknown and being surprised how things can change in the wink of an eye.
However, not all things are good and I have been plagued by depression for far too long - a decade or more. I have tried to get out of it so many, many times, I have lost count. There are many people who played a role for my being this way, and although I am not in contact with most of them, there are some whom I cannot avoid.
Even today I was thinking about what I don't have and wish I had, but can never have. I need to stop having these expectations once and for all. So today, I am ...
I heard about The Secret about 6-7 years ago and I have been a great fan of it since the first time I read the book. It is incredible what I have achieved through implementing The Secret in my life and I still want to achieve more with it.
Sometimes it is hard to make-believe all the things The Secret demands, because let's face it, we are not kids anymore. So, I take a break every now and then, and become unfocused, and my life goes downhill on a roller-coaster ride whose rails are broken!
But, I want to take charge again. It is hurting me immensely imagining my ex with someone else, because in my mind, it should not be happening as we are going to marry on Thursday. For h...
I am not sure if I will ever be able to ask or say these things to you, but I have a hundred things running through my mind right now at the speed of lightning.
Five hours ago I was so happy of finally getting our wedding date for next Thursday. I wished so much that it was real. At any given time, I would happily choose you for the rest of my life. You are such an amazing, kind, generous and caring person, I would never trade you for someone else. My love for you is not only for what you are doing for me right now; I was in love before you decided all these, and the reasons are still strong. I am still in love with you for who you are, for your determination, your achievements and y...
I haven't been able to keep in touch much. Whatever progress I had made against my depressive attacks went to shit as I kept getting rejected from more jobs throughout October and November. As people have started countdown towards the new year, my own countdown has began towards the day my visa expires in January. I have been contemplating suicide for the last couple of weeks. I saw a doctor on Monday, but didn't get prescribed for counselling. I rejected her offer for antidepressants as tge previous times that I took them, they made me sleep about 20 hours a day. I don't know what to do anymore. All I wanna do is be away from India and Indians as far as possible.
**Had started to wr...
For the past year, I have been contemplating about making another 10 year plan as my previous one expired this year. My previous one's goals for the 2007-2017 period were:
1. Get out of home.
2. Stay in hostels and livemy own life.
3. Get my own vehicle.
4. Get at least two degrees.
5. Work in offices like professionals.
6. Go abroad if possible.
7. Find someone worthwhile to love.
8. Get some friends for life.
9. Get a permanent job to have lots of money to support others.
10. Adopt a baby girl.
Except the last two, I have achieved all the rest. So, after securing my place in a foreign university, I was left thinking, now what?! As the 10 year period came to an end, it was evident ...
I closed my previous account and started this one to track my state of mind in a regular manner. However, I haven't done so. The past couple of months have been crazy and I spent most of them job hunting and accepting rejection letters. Thus, another depressive episode was advancing upon me and hit the hardest in the last couple of weeks. As it is receding now, I am starting to realise some of the causes that triggered it this time and some of the reasons that supported it. I am going to elaborate on them later, but below are some things that people close to me told me when I asked them what they thought of me.
1. You're very hardworking
2. You're very smart
These days, whenever I step into my university buildings, the familiar smell of newly renovated furnishings and carpets hit me like a punch. Last year in September when I joined this university, these very smells reminded me of an exciting new future and new prospects. 11 months later now when I am scheduled to graduate and leave, those smells are nostalgic and remind me of how much this place helped me grow as a human and as a student. I learnt so many new cultures, learnt to overcome my difficulties and challenged myself in new ways. Al in the course of a year or less, I realise that I have dramatically changed.
As I get ready to leave my academic life behind, the star...