It rained today.
Just like yesterday
And the day before.
It’s dull and gloomy.
It brings the sadness in me out again.
I want silence.
Me, and just the clouds playing a stare game.
Don’t call me right now,
I will not answer.
When the rain stops, I’ll have to talk.
I’ll have to spurt the words out.
Even when I don’t want to.
It’s a good excuse, a distraction, this rain.
When it will stop, I’ll have to face the world again.
And then you’ll see me, for me.
No grey clouds to loom around, no splatter of raindrops to haze your vision.
Me, just me.
This is so new to me.
I’ve always been used to things that are effortless.
I always got work upfront. I never had to strive to find it.
I never had to put in effort in finding the right people in my life.
They just came to me. And every relationship was easy, effortless.
Now, it’s different. I have to put in so much work in making it work with the new people,
Finding work for myself.
I’m literally questioning myself everyday, what happened suddenly?
And I don’t like this change.
I want the old version of my life back.
Where everything was just easy.
And all I had to do was just be.
I’m tired, I really am.
Here’s the thing. I don’t know what love means.
I’ve only known it from what I see in the movies.
In reality, I wonder sometimes how to define what we have between us.
Are we together out of habit? Or are we in love?
But, if hoping he’d tell you that you have beautiful eyes and a crazy smile, then it probably is.
If waiting for him to make a call or text you, then it probably is.
If that one hug makes your day, and you find comfort in his arms, then it probably is.
If gauging his mood from his body language, assessing his day from his tone, then it probably is.
But here’s the thing, I don’t know a thing or two about love. So is it really?
Let me sink in,
There’s nothing I’d want more than the warmth of your body,
Sinking into your arms and letting loose,
The touch of your skin to mine,
Making me forget all the day’s disappointments,
I want more, I crave for more,
Hold me so, like you’d never let me go,
Let me sink into oblivion, into you.
From late night banter and deep intellectual talks to rants,
From talking your hearts out and sharing smallest things,
From promises to remembering tiny details,
From waiting eagerly for a text to planning for birthdays excitedly,
Words become lesser,
And only distances remain.
When I have you in the future,
I want you to be fearless.
I want you to go out there
And not care about what others think.
I don't want you to not do something
fearing what others will think.
I want you to be bold, strong and independent.
I want you to fall, and get up too.
I don't want you to fear someone holding your hand.
I want you to go after what you love doing the most.
It's your life, and people will always have something to say about you, irrespective of whether you follow or not their norms of what makes an ideal girl in the society.
I don't want you to not do something
just because you're a girl.
And know one thing, there's nothing wrong in being strong headed and...
Some people are perennially angry.
You could get annoyed at how they can talk or behave in in a certain way.
You could get annoyed when they'd get annoyed.
Anger is like laughter, it catches on quickly to the person beside you.
It's like smoking, you know you aren't smoking, but you're still the passive smoker. You're equally at risk.
You can never change them, never explain to them how they're unreasonable.
All you can do is gulp it all down and let it be.
All you can do is not react, because that's the only sensible way.
And you learn that the hard way.
Irregular heart beat.
But she can't hear its rhythm.
She can only hear his.
Thumping, halting, fighting to prove its existence.
Almost demanding her attention.
She doesn't want to look up to him. Doesn't want to see him in the eye. She's scared of what she might see.
She doesn't want to see what he looks like when he's like this. Raw. Vulnerable.
It fears her- what if she never sees all of that again?
The rhythm, still in tune.
The mental battle is almost tormenting.
Courage she gathers and decides to slowly lift her eyelids.
Her eyes, slowly gliding up, searching for his face.
Her eyes meet his.
The rhythm stops.
She's scared of what she sees. She knew she would b...
A doubtful mind
I don't want to grow old. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to mature more. Isn't this enough? I don't want to discover people each passing day, because I know I'll start losing faith in humanity. I don't want to know too much, what if I discover something I don't like?
I don't want to know you up too close, I'm scared I might be vulnerable and also might lose you someday. But I also want to know what goes on in that mind of yours, your weirdest thoughts.
What if I grow older and don't like the way I've turned up to be.
What if the decisions I make today put me in situations I'm not comfortable with.
Why do equations and people have to change. Why can't things re...
I don't know how to deal with a new beginning. Starting over, all over again. I don't know if I should be feeling happy or sad.
Beginnings are supposed to be fun, right?
Let life not become monotonous. Promise yourself to do the things you always wanted to. Meet new people.
It's not about the year ending that you're happy about, you're happy about achieving another milestone. Be proud you lived through another year, and successfully.
If this has passed, so will everything else.
Bottle up all the memories that you have, until you make new ones.
And, be your own kind of beautiful.
I think as parents, they need to realise when their kids are growing up.
If they need their space, give them that.
If aren't sharing something with you, it's not because they don't want to, it's because they don't think somethings are relevant or interesting enough to be shared with you.
Stop being possessive about your kids and let them be. They are yours, there not going anywhere. They need time to figure themselves out, give them that.
And if they argue with you, be happy that the at leas care enough to explain you something or prove themselves right to you. The real problem will be when they stop bothering about even that. Everyone's growing up, it's better if you grow old together.
I'm tired of putting up a fight.
I don't care whether you agree or not any longer.
Why can't you ever be easy?
And what's the whole point of it after all?
No it's not you, I've just learnt to let it be.
I was standing next to a tree and the wind was blowing hard.
The wind carried with itself all sorts of things like a plastic bag, and they got stuck in the tree.
That moment, it felt like as if whatever I'd lost all through my life, the memories, the moments, the people, everything was getting collected right there, on that tree, because of the wind.
All it was waiting for was for me to embrace it and take it back.
And the wind kept singing to itself, Never Let Me Go...
I left the tree and went away. That's when I realised that I'd grown up.
We're all selfish beings.
You let someone in only according to your emotional availability.
You get close to someone only when you need a person with whom you can share your thoughts.
As soon as the temporary void is filled, you automatically shut yourself to others.
We're all selfish beings.
And it's okay to be.
It's like I'm reading my favourite book.
But I'm reading it slowly, so it can stay longer.
The spaces between those words grow further apart.
But the book has to end, eventually.
Each thread slowly turns loose.
Their ends, parting ways.
It was a strong knot but, wasn't it?
Oh it's only temporary but, you fool.
It's only a matter of time, watch it come back together.
The knot is lost, wondering where it belongs. And trying to keep the threads together.
Don't go yet, stay, it says.
The thing is, that little things hurt.
The way you talk, that undertone of sarcasm.
That expression on your face.
Your choice of words.
They might be small things, but they hurt.
That's what I'm made of, the little things.
And that's what you'll never get.
I'm cold. Almost numb.
My teeth clutter.
Not sure if any amount of warmth will do any good.
No, it's not the weather.
I'm numb, but from within.
I've forgotten what emotions are like.
They call me a stone,
But it's they who've broken me enough to not feel anymore.
I'm numb, but from within.
As you grow older, you realise things that probably passed by you when you were younger.
It's okay to not get involved in every argument.
Not everything requires your opinion.
Sometimes, silence is the best answer you can give.
Not everything requires you to react.
It's perfectly normal to feel that it's a lot of work making new friends.
It's alright to let go of people that require you to put in a lot of time and effort.
No, you haven't become old. You've just grown older.
Let me free,
Don't guard me in the shackles of your choices and decisions.
My soul yearns to be on its own.
Let me be vulnerable, lest I'll never know.
My voice is no longer brave enough to stand up against yours.
Loosen the grip you have over me, the wrist turns sore.
My eyes wander, no longer wanting to hold up to yours.
Let me go, let me just be me.
We're at a stage in where our lives our so wired.
Constantly looking for virtual validation.
100 likes on your display picture means you're popular and good looking.
Something funny you post gets comments and likes, and your belief that you're funny gets restored.
A picture on instagram gets many likes, you feel you have a good sense of photography.
Something you've written is re tweeted and talked about, you're probably a smart person, perhaps a writer even.
Think of these as tools of feedback for your work, not a bragging point or a reason for something unreaonable you do to make sense.
The muscles are sore.
Eyes squint and burn.
The body aches.
The novelty of the journey seems to have weared off.
The day, just mundane.
The mind, still running on the trade mill of life.
The heart, still thumping.
He's powerful if he has a company and people invest their money. Entrepreneur.
He's powerful when he doesn't need an introduction for himself. Celebrity.
He's powerful when he's the one taking decisions at his home. Bread winner.
But he's more powerful when she invests her emotions and time in him. Lover.
"You can't always be right!"
"But it hurts me to see you hurt. Call it nagging if you may."
"You do this to me all the time!"
"Oh, I'm only but a soldier, guarding you from the ones who want you to break."
Theirs was a different kind of a relationship, the mind and the heart's.