It is strange how my mind returns to a dream about a cottage. The little cottage with all the essential and my grey room. Small kitchen and living room with a hearth. One room for guests, a bathroom. Maybe a secret basement as a storage and working room, who knows?
My mind returns to that imaginary house and its terrace, where I could sit happily with my dog. One day I can have a dog, right? A river flows somewhere near, there is a shed for firewood, and one big spruce growing tall.
An old dream, still valid today. I think I lost the image of it at some point, but now it is back, even clearer in my mind. I need my small cottage to hang on something, when everything else is gone. When ...
It was clearly the final time we would talk. Streets were crowded and I left him behind with a quick farewell. I could still smell the scent of sweets when I walked forward. I walked forward like it was the only way I had ever known in my life. I wouldn't turn around, because everything inside me told me it was enough. It was time to end daydreaming and proceed with life.
I am strong.
The city of Barcelona never sleeps - that's how I felt when we walked among the colorful lights. I watched my shoes pensively. I wore a dress and a bit of make-up, and couldn't help feeling awkward about it. Was it really me? For what?
"Well, thank you Noora",
"No - thank you", I heard myself replying.
"Yes, my child,
everyone chooses their path in this world"
He was like one of those stars in the sky, shining brightly, yet already gone. People like him always are. One day we just realize the shine is gone. There is only vast emptiness, absence and space. We never knew when the light went out in the first place.
He is gone.
I think about my sister and her indifferent words about the world and our future. What does it matter, when we die anyways? Why should we bother to try save this world? Why should we think about the next generations? None of us decided to born in this world. None of us. So why should we feel responsible?
Those words took me to the brink of same old aby...
I am surfing through virtual realities, keeping the mind busy. Tomorrow will be a hard day at school, and I am not prepared at all.
Day by day, that's how you are supposed to live.
That's the only way to survive.
The cityscape, a world of noise and unfamiliar faces. It all gives me a perfect hiding place, where I am far from everything. Far from the place I used to call home, far from the people I used to call family.
Now there are solitude and increasing indifference. It no longer matters, what is the method to stop mind beating sullen thoughts and devouring the innermost. It no longer matters, so I swallow the pills. As long as the mind stops.
The mirror re...
Days pass and I drift, none by my side;
No one is ever there
I slide through the shadows invisible.
The light of the surface fades slowly away,
until there is only dim curtain of grey left
Closed eyes and the final moment,
before breathing in
We don't always get the answers for our questions,
and maybe that's the greatest lesson of all.
The flame burns the edges of my soul and I wander in the deserts of my mind. I wonder, if you ever realized what you did to me,
what you exposed and what you left.
"Quiet!" she whispered sharply.
I could hear the hammering beats of my heart as she squeezed my hand tighter. We stayed together backs against the wall. Somewhere behind the corner; steps. I was trembling when she placed her eyes, the emerald jewels, on me. Something in those eyes gave me strength. My unsteady breathing became silent as the shadows surrounding us.
The steps drew closer. They stopped. The silent moment seemed to last forever. And finally--
the steps withdrew.
She peeked behind the corner carefully, and nodded to me.
"It is gone, let's go", she whispered and soon we were running silently again.
I was out of breath and watched the fleeting blur of corridors and d...
Today my mind has been surprisingly peaceful. It is nice to have good days, every now and then. Too often things seem so chaotic and I feel like drowning. Sometimes I feel like my mind burns in flames of fury, hate and all the bad stuff. But today is different.
I scroll through my screenshots and photos of my favorite books - or parts of the books which I simply have read. There are few quotes I wanted to treasure, parts which touched me the most. I have a book where I am planning to write all those parts down, to save them. And draw a picture related to it. It's one way to reflect myself, the scrapbook.
I am leaving a lot behind.
I don't know what happens when I die, who will get t...
Sometimes I find my lost part in the music,
"Come, fast! We need to run and get out of here!"
The notes grab my hands, lead me through melodies and worlds where eyes can be peacefully closed - and not a moment is wasted. Out of the dusty rooms and darkness! The chains loosen and my body is free to swirl through the flames. Somewhere deep inside I pray; don't ever stop this music. My soul is carried on higher winds, dives through the skies like a phoenix; gracefully, reborn.
"Have you ever realized how wide is the sky?"
Pent-up feelings and thoughts, a decade of hatred; for a moment they are all gone, lost in the harmony of sounds. Just the way as art channels my lost self into lines and p...
Sometimes I wonder, if he stole something from me. I feel like my smile is no longer true nor real. It is just a hollow façade. And I find lies pouring down my lips, creating an untrue illusion of myself.
How can I retrieve my smile from someone, who doesn't exist anymore?
I live with a ghost within my heart; the shadow of his and my different self, person whom I used to be. They both live in my fragmented memories. What gives memories such a power, to outweigh the present? How can the tiniest love affair crack such a hole in one's soul?
I wish I would know. Yet even if I did, it wouldn't help.
I know nothing will ever be the same and everything is final. My character has been ...
No. I don't want to talk with you. And yes, I feel terribly alone in this world full of people. I need to talk with you. Someone.
Sometimes I feel like my thoughts swirl, echo from wall to another, looking for a place to be. But in this room there are no doors, no windows, just a dark box shut down tight. Or is it the opposite? An endless space and vacuum, where my words and thoughts get lost, wander eternally? I don't even know.
I don't believe in things anymore, really. Maybe God, but sometimes I find it so hard to understand him and his plans, ideas. I have lost my belief in love, in this world, in these people, friendship, in the future, in the present. Sometimes I don't even care who...
I find myself watching the ruins. Another destroyed world and burnt bridge. The ground burns in soft embers and the rain is about to come. It is cold.
"Why is it always cold", I ask when he steps closer giving me his hand. I refuse to take it right away and throw few rocks in my reach instead.
"I didn't want this", I continue and point at the destruction, "nor this, nor that", I draw the endless horizon of dead, unforgiven lands with my finger. First drops of rain fall. I stare the sky in wonder.
The sky, as mysterious as ever. It seems wide and endless and makes you feel a mere puny creature, crawling meaninglessly on the Earth. Rain falls and I close my eyes. Let the rain wash the pain aw...
The Flame of Thousand Thoughts
She was sitting on a chair, listening. Distant beeps of cash register, humming sound of escalators, sudden whistles of sneakers scraping the floor -
Listening carefully and stretching her arms.
Announcements of promising sales, mall music, and people - oh the people. People walking, people talking, people going, people breathing. People everywhere with their shopping bags and busy steps. She closed her eyes and let the chair spin around its axis.
How boring, she thought.
The air was a mix of different scents. Fast food, culinary pasta and a mild fragrance of the lady passing by. Loud family dramas and sourly smiling cleaning ladies.
Elämä murskaa illuusioita yksi kerrallaan. Todellisuus on kovin erilainen kuin satujen väritetyt kuvat. Minä olen turhautunut monimutkaisuuteen ja sinä kai myös, kun poluiltansa poikenneet tapaavat sohvalla, toistensa vierellä.
Minä olin änkyttänyt, takellellut, ja käteni olivat nykineet kouristuksenomaisesti vain hetkeä aiemmin. Olin puhunut ja täyttänyt tilaa, joka voisi johtaa läheisyyteen. En minä oikeastaan välitä puhua; pelko vain saa minut puhumaan. Mutta loruni viimein loppuivat, tiesin sen. Läheisyys kuului tänne, tähän hetkeen. Kehooni laskeutui kuolon hiljaisuus, kylmä ja lamaannuttava olo.
Minä istun vieressä. Sinä istut siinä.
Sinä olet todella lähellä.
"I will live like there is no tomorrow", she says. Confidence is her second name; no regrets, the third. Her back is straight, the gaze is steel. And you aren't going to stop her, tame the lion when she walks pass with her delicate arrogance. The curly hair flows and you don't mess with the royal. There is something wicked in the look she gives.
"Is this... too much", another says. The anxiety has made her character shrink and her eyes are quick. Her hands are nervously pulling at the fabric of her shirt. It's rare to catch her wearing a smile; when the emotions come they are quickly concealed behind the nervously pursed lips. She is constantly aware of her surroundings, sounds and shifts, b...
How much I long for a presence... The presence of myself and the others.
Sometimes I wish, I wish so badly to reveal myself and get some understanding in return. But I have learnt that in most cases, the silence is the only answer and response you get. The shame, the regret.
Why did I tell you I care, when you clearly don't understand the importance of my words? Why did I speak the words which had no value to you?
Why did I try... What did I try?
Yes, the shame. Shame of telling how you feel.
Sometimes I have this wonderful and dreadful thought of falling ill, incurably sick. Writing plenty of letters, spelling the words which I never could afford before. All of that I could do, without ...
I wish I could have been
Weariness was drawn on my face and dark shadows curved under my eyes. I was carrying a large backbag and a shoulder bag with me. There was something restless inside me, yet all the energy had escaped my limbs.
I often say, I am not gifted when it comes to art; I merely have an eye for observation.
So did you. In one day you made notes on my character, seeing what most people didn't, or what none seemed to care - or dare - to say aloud
"You look tired", you said
When you handled a piece of toffee onto my hands, you noticed
"What happened to your hands?"
For a moment you held my hand softly. I shook my head and smiled at the tiny wounds an...
Aloitin hiljaisen kuoleman,
kun värit syöpyivät seinistä,
käpristyivät ja paloivat tuhkaksi
Ei minulla ole mitään hätää,
olen vain surumielinen,
kasvot harmaassa savessa
Ei mitään hätää,
huudan lähtemätöntä yksinäisyyttä
vääntelen raajojani vihassa
Lopulta olen vain väsynyt
joissa minulla ei ole huomista
Sanat eivät saavu perille
ne eivät tunnu miltään,
kun minun on kylmä
I fill my day with sugar,
Tempting kisses and chocolate
Cup of tea with honey
Sweet marmalade and sighs
Jazz is only one way to dream, my dear
I am watching a play which I have seen before. I gather all the bricks to create a new wall and flee the sight. Warmth escapes as the freezing wave of indifference crashes through. It leaves me lifeless, unfeeling. Words get stuck in my throat. My eyes are already closed, preparing for another hit.
In the meaningless solitude he sits next to me. I open my feverish eyes and look at him, twisting my hands restlessly, juddering. "Can we... rewind... to the time... when I didn't talk?" My gaze pierces through him pleading, only to see a sad smile. "No", he says, taking my shaking hand on his. "We can't". Anger lits my eyes and the centuries of buried rage and despair break loose.
Katsoin tummia silmiäsi,
jotka kätkivät taakseen kaikkeuden
Jokin kasvoissasi sai sisinpäni liikahtamaan
en oikein tiennyt itsekään, mikä -
häivähdys surusta, kätkevä olemuksesi
kuumeinen otsasi, jota halusin silittää kylmillä käsilläni
Kai minä halusin hetken ajan
sulkea sinut rakastavaan halaukseeni ja kuiskata
kaikki on hyvin
tässä saat olla oma itsesi,
eikä sinun tarvitse piileskellä
päästä paha pois
älä kerää sitä kasvojen taa
- älä pelkää
Se halaus oli myös oma turvani
en ymmärtänyt sitä aluksi
mutta kun rypyt silenivät otsaltasi
saatoin nähdä silmissäsi heijastuksen
kaukaisen maailman ohella
Ehkä se lopulta kietoi tarinamme yhteen
me emme nähneet vain toista maailmaa
I turn the key in the lock and step in. Close the door behind. Instead of hanging my coat to rack, I just sit down leaning on the door.
Here is good.
I can watch the rays of light, the pale winter sun travelling behind window blinds.
When I was little I used to wonder all those reflections... when you watch some source of light and slowly close your eyes. The light seemed to spread in every direction, shatter in smaller rays - spread and become more powerful.
I thought an angel appears in that light. But since it was my guardian angel and I shouldn't see him, he was only present when my eyes were closed. No one else could see my angel either.
So I used to smile when I closed my eyes afte...
Today I have been wandering from website to another, reading articles about writing and philosophy. What a strange world, full of quotes. The struggle of life.
I have been thinking it every now and then. What's the meaning behind all this walking. Sometimes the weariness strikes me down, and my mind floats in deep waters, asking "Can I go now? Can I give up already?"
No, not yet. You haven't tried enough yet.
The new morning rises, and so do I.
I described the situation to my mother, with an allegory of sanitarium.
All these years I have been like a patient of sanitarium. These walls and the room of mine are constructed with ideas, thoughts, darkness - as the light s...
How I became "the One who gives up"
"I am going
I need to go
I need to leave"
I repeat those words over and over again, as the pressure increases in that specific place in my head. Someone ripped those wounds open again, I guess. It burns and the self-defense system is triggered on.
"i am sorry..."
"...I need to go"
It happens when I hurt people. Or when they feel offended by the words I say. Or I have said something bad earlier, and they remind me of my sins with grudge. They ask for another apologies, but none is forgiven.
I'd rather go away, miles and miles away, than beg your forgiveness for the second time. I won't be taken down, my face won't be rubbed and smashed to the groun...
Reflections of the dream realm, I: Fear.
I meet you on the street. You notice me, I turn around, shy. Not sure if I should wait or not. Can I wait?
You let me out of pressure, by folding your apron and leaving it there. You follow me, and we walk together.
You keep talking, but I don't understand. I laugh - a bit ashamed of my poor language skills. We cross the bridge. You lead me to a weird building with long corridors.
Yes, I remember now - you loved horses. So you will show them to me?
I am afraid of horses, actually, for some strange reason. They are huge animals. But in this dream I don't fear. I carefully pet its head, smiling. This animal is so important and I stare its ...
I stand at the beach, walk to the water. A huge wave arrives, people scream - I submerge.
"Feel the pressure of the water? Now-- breathe. This is your dream"
I close my eyes and trust. I breathe in the thick water and turn to look back. I see the faint silhouette of the beach and light through the rushing water. Worried people and their blurry characters.
I have no intention to go back.
I like the way how my heart beats as I breathe water. Merging to the salty waves of ocean, I turn around to face even greater depths.
As I finally surface in another space and time, I know something is different. I am not alone.
You came back?
I know your presence.
Kaikki jäätyy. Varpaat, sisin, raajat. Kaikki.
Katse kiertää harmaissa katukivissä. Ajatukset vaeltavat väsyneinä kehää ja tapailevat sanoja
"Minä haluan olla yksin,
anna minun olla"
Löydän itseni rautaisten muurien takaa, kuuntelemasta suolaisia sanoja. Myrkkyä on kehitteillä kuoren sisällä, kytemässä kylmällä liekillä.
En syö ruokaa. En syö ylimääräistä. En syö turhaa.
Väsymys painaa silmäluomiani yhä alemmas ja vetäydyn joukosta.
Näen unia merestä.
En halua olla läsnä,
En halua olla