"An Ordinary Day"
This day was just an ordinary day,
Until I went inside her room.
It was two o'clock, her lunch time,
And I had come inside with the same smile.
Passing through the hallway towards her room,
I often sing in a funny way: "Daaaaadi! My dear Daaaaaadi! ".
She wakes up when she hears me sing,
And call my name and says always,
Is it two o'clock? So soon?
I just had my breakfast and the egg was a bit heavy for my stomach.
But, today she didn't wake up.
She was sleeping on the edge of the bed,
Like an infant in a mother's womb.
I saw the leg that could not even move on its own crossing over the other.
In shock I ran towards her,
I saw her in a deep sleep,
Snoring, from t...
Death. An extreme craving, desperate desire to meet death. I am exhausted now. There is no joy and no hope of living in me. I find it all waste. It is suffocating here, the lid had been closed upon me. It had hurt my head and pushed me in. I am squeezing my arms and legs to fit into this box. But it is very small. And i am big for this. I can't escape because of the strings that have tied me to this box strongly. When i try to rise up and led my head out of the box , these strings pull me back to the surface. And i sit there again. Trying to fit in. But adjusting all the time. But as i am growing bigger the box is finding it as much hard to fit me in as i am. Soon the box with its tough walls...
There is an effigy,
Built by my conscience.
Waking up this morning,
Lurking at the bay of my heart.
I had seen its shadow.
Anticipating it's verdict,
It has lived for long in this prison.
Today, it's plea has reached me.
An effigy as it is, it's in its fate to be extinguished into flames.
I can't let it's soot blob my satin scarf.
I betray it's fate.
I let it live, like an effigy.
And built a home for it because of the same conscience.
You run, you run to every place that is possible for you to reach, to escape from the harshness. The hard, raw, real and inescapable realm of patience engulfs you into its hold tightly. And you with your weak pretense of stronghood try to stay. But you run, and keeping running away. Because you can't stay now.
Sham ki tanhai me
Ghar ke akele angan me
Yun darwaze par baat lagaye
Baithe baithe, chehre ki lakeeron se kheechein gayin
Sadkon ke sahare
Chalne ki himmat tatolte in pairon ki buzdili me
Latpat is kamzor dil ke ghum me.
Sham ki tanhai me
Aksar yun sar jhukaiye.
Gunah hai, gunah hun, gunah sab.
Apne wajood ko bikharte dekh kar.
Gusse se paaani or paani se gussa hote ankhon me basi lehron ko mehsoos kara.
Or shaam jab dhali raat me
Kinaare par khade maazi ko
Raat se subah.
Subah se sham or sham se raat ke safar me
Phir se zindagi ko musalsal dhalte dekha.
Isn't it beautiful ! How everything changes within seconds! And still many of us stay, rise, smile and live. How courageous we can be in the most devastating periods of our life.
You have in the process of discovering your essence encapsulated my identity into circle, that confines me.
But you forgot, that you revolve around the boundary of that circle and I m at it's center. How can you then also be free?
Our character is determined by the way we influence people. And this is in my opinion a right that we have over eachother as human beings. This influence can build as well as destroy someone.
Some days it's hard to wake up, the bed engulfs you with its warmth into an aura of safety. You can't let anyone intervene into that realm of solace. And you decide to stay in and sleep.
That's my love is being oblivious to your mental state. Such love for inactivity isn't always for a moment to look into your deep thoughts but sometimes it's a sign that you are falling into the edifice of psychological dilemmas.
No matter how soothing the sleep is getting up is the first and foremost step of rebellion against any such mental entrapments.
Where I am now is because of where I had been before. The only regret I have is loosing people, places, memories and smiles that I can't get back.
Wish I could have discovered some way to preserve them, so when I had looked back I had found parts of them and not a void.
I didn't know this will haunt me all over and over again until I finally cry out loud.
I didn't know you will turn away from me like you have never known.
I didn't know how many places will bring me back to home.
I didn't know how many eyes will sparkle like yours.
Wish I could know.
Know it all before I had let you go.
Since the age of nine I experienced something weird. Because everyday something happened, that I had already known. Not a little piece of word spoken by someone but a whole series of action going according to the frame that had already been enacted in my subconscious a day or a week or a month before. But I know it. I know every inch of the reactions and actions. While I ponder over my state, I heard him call it phantasmagoria. And I felt again the same. As if I knew, it will be this.
They say sleep is a state of unconsciousness but I don't believe in this. Because every dusk when my feet are lingering over the shadows of nightmares and dreams I stand still before the rays, that encompasses sheet of blankness and the beautiful beads of yellow and white start scattering over the numbness of my skin. And then my phone vibrates. I know it will be you. For the will of the destiny that promised us future together you left me in the desert.
Since then, I sleep with consciousness. I know you are always around and I receive your call everyday. And when you say , I know, what you did ?I smile. Listening to those words had always been soothing. It's the only way I can feel your pr...
You know how it is like to be waking up and sleeping off with just one thought. To be filled with variants that carry your essence. To be a symbol of your pieces that you leave unknowingly behind every time you look with that smile that appreciates my presence. I long for the rainbows that your words originate and I long for the bliss that touches tenderly my cheeks and makes me glow. Fill me with the belief that there is still a reason I have to work hard. There is still a way I have to pave so that I can be there, the beautiful path to the world where there will be no goodbyes and sneaking ins and outs. Where there will be abundance of everything that I miss when time sways away with it you...
Crawling after my intuitive spark, I knew he was after my heart.
Making way to my favourite colours,
Striking on to the sheet the abstracts of my scars.
He lurked at the bay
Night and day.
I was scared to see him around ,
I knew somewhere in deep that he is the 'one' and I have found.
But how could I let it all be,
When I know it too that I am a bird, alive to be free.
He latched his soul to the bottom of my heart,
Weaving together the raw threads of my wandering soul.
Whispered into my ears when he thought he caught me,
Everything is fair in love and war.
But darling, it will not be how you thought,
Loving me is harder than just love and any war.
I don't know why ! But I love writing our names together. May be one day I don't have to erase or delete it.
Over the lines of destiny, I walk with a blindfold of faith.
Loosing a large part of courage that took thousands of little steps to build collosal body of will and effort, we all lament the reasons we have to try again and it's a mess now. But , we don't give up! We don't let the things incomplete. We still work, mend, re create and re live the experience. Because somewhere in, deep down the discomfort, we know that there isn't anything like living again.
I stood behind you.
Time changed, then, I saw you stood far behind me.
Colourful pages , filled with lines, curves and circles. I remember how I had loved the colour blue, endlessly drawing into it. When I see it now, I cherish the feelings of simplicity in those clouds I had drew, the vivid patterns of petals I had fixed on to the paper with my pencil and the hut I had engraved, freshen ups the perception of love and happiness I had once formed. I love visiting it again and again. It brings back the tincture of simplicity to the chaos that crawls on the pages now.
Cocoon into the realms of realm. I mentioned that day something that I believe I would have rather kept neutral. Fragments every day of little less confessed and felt get crushed beneath your dominance. The hold over me gained a subtle energy as you clearly remember one thing only, the lie, that I don't feel too deep.
May be if I had never said so, I didn't have to regret loosing everyday my essence surrendered to sublimity.