"Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny.
"It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. Im three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before.
"Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?"
"Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!'"
He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'!
He crawled out...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren.." and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini..."
St. Peter looks perplexed, "Who?"
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and st...
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open.
"Hurry!" she cried. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move," she whispered. "Pretend you're a statue."
When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, "What's this, honey?"
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too." Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said, giving the food to the statue, "y...
Do it... or Walk Home
Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!"
Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home.
A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again.
This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!"
Again, Linda walked home.
Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitati...
Anything For You
A Male mosquito to its wife: Darling I will hunt a Lion for you.
Female mosquito: Ok fine, now go to sleep.
Male mosquito: I will bite an elephant and bring his blood for you.
Female mosquito: Sure love, go to sleep.
Male mosquito: I will drive you around Paris in a Mercedes.
Female mosquito: Hmmmmmm... ok, go to sleep...
Male mosquito: You don't trust me? I will get you a 100 gms Gold chain....
Female mosquito: You idiot go to sleep...
Male mosquito: Honey I'll do anything for you.
Female mosquito: You silly son of a bitch... how many times have I told you not to come home after biting a politician.
Aggressive and Hostile
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy ...
An Atheist Meets God
An atheist was fishing on Loch Ness when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. With an easy flip, the beast tossed his boat high into the air and then opened its huge mouth to catch him.
As he sailed into the sky, he cried, "Oh, God! Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious scene froze!
As the atheist hung there in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on, God. Give me a break!" man. "A minute ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Changes in Sexuality
One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts... "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.
Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.
Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the a** on that bus driver!!"
Bricklayer's Accident Report
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of our Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed...
Time Saving Techniques
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in eleven."
For English Lovers
Interesting read for English lovers...
Once Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar jokingly asked Madhusudhan Dutt, "As you are a master in English, can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
He wrote this...
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap.
"And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
When you are bored just think about a few things that don't make sense... like...
If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
If you r...
The Ultimate Revenge
A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.
Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot.
Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his lumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his...
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.
About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus wa...
Keeping the Faith
A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the b...
Beauty Pageant - Final Q and A
The SETTING: Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
QUESTION: Miss America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Miss AMERICA: Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
Miss AMERICA: Because it stands every-time it sees a woman.....
QUESTION: Misss Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
Miss SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
Miss SPAIN: Because it charges every-time it sees an op...
Sperm Appreciation Day
Let's have a moment of silence in honor of those children who were not born but were...
1. Swallowed during a blow job.
2. Thrown away in a condom.
3. Wasted in trousers during masturbation.
4. Dropped on someones breast and died in tissue paper.
5. Slipped on someones hips and lost with water.
6. And many more untold incidents.
Consider yourself very lucky to be alive, because you made it!
You are a sperm that survived, whilst billions of others perished!
You were the fastest swimmer and you made it!
So do not feel down. Live life and enjoy it fully. If you made it when you were a sperm... You can make it in life too!
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date.
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type," Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis."
Rodeo Sex Position
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
￼A Doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant, "Akbar, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".
"Yes, sir!!!" answers Akbar.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Akbar, How was your day?" Akbar told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Akbar.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I w...
100 Year Old Sex Maniac
An old man turned 100 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these yor grand kids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't...
The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"
"Oh, no," the man shook his head.
The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.
As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing frantically in the hall.
"She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?"
The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again, "No, no, I couldn't do that."
He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed his pacing.
The nurse went back into the room and coached Mom's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world.
As the baby's he...
No Longer Possible
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him, "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He says, "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."
It was a slow night, so the hooker says, "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."
So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.
"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you."
Says the old man, "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
Second Worst Pain
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles.
As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
Compliment or Sexual Harassment?
Every day a man would walk up to a woman in her office, stand very close to her, inhale a deep breath of air, and say, "Your hair sure smells nice!"
After a week of this, she reports him to the Human Resources Department.
"I want to file a sexual harassment suit against him."
The HR supervisor was puzzled, "I don't get it. How is a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice sexual harassment?"
The woman replied, "It's Keith. You know, the midget?"
Note on Fridge
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning: My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset -- I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this o...
What You Like Vs What You Need
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly...
But what I *need* is a new tie!...
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advice and warning by her mother, "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1. Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2. Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3. Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"