The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'who left the garage door open?'"
A man went to see the local doctor and complained because his wife was having too many little bastards; she was having at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds em all."
The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove the man's right testicle. He then administered anesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and performed the surgery.
Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. T...
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous. Killed four guys already."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It Was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, ...
Free Sex with Fill-up
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.
The buyer then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed this time, again the proprietor s...
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is the local butcher, a simple, unpolished man. Reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath."
There they go again, and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,...
The Dinner Date
Sadie and Yetta, two widows were talking: Sadie, "That nice Morris Finkelman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you before I give him an answer."
Yetta, "Vell, I tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even.
"Den ve go to a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much. I could just die from th...
मज़ा ही मज़ा!
एक लड़की की शादी हुई और उसकी सहेली को उसकी सुहागरात के बारे में जानने की बड़ी ही उत्सुकता थी।
सहेली: बता ना कल रात को क्या हुआ?
लड़की: कुछ नहीं।
सहेली: पर कल तो तेरी सुहागरात थी, कुछ तो हुआ होगा?
लड़की: कह रही हूँ ना कुछ नहीं हुआ।
सहेली: अच्छा तो मुझे कल रात की सारी घटना बता।
लड़की: रात को दस बजे मेरे पति कमरे में आये।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: उन्होंने अपना कोट उतारा और खूँटी पर टांग दिया।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उन्होंने अपनी टाई उतारी और खूँटी पर टांग दी।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उन्होंने अपनी शर्ट उतारी और खूँटी पर टांग दी।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उन्होंने अपनी बनियान उतारी और और खूँटी पर टांग दी।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उ...
बीवी की बेवफाई!
एक नेता की बीवी बहुत ही सुंदर और सेक्सी थी।
एक दिन नेता के दिल में ना जाने क्या आया और उसने अपनी बीवी को बुलाया और पूछा...
नेता: सच-सच बताओ तुमने हमारे साथ कितनी बार बेवफाई की है?
पत्नी कुछ देर सोच कर बोली, "जी सिर्फ 3 बार।"
नेता मन ही मन खुश हुआ कि चलो इतनी सेक्सी होने के बाद भी इसने सिर्फ 3 बार ही बेवफाई की।
फिर भी उसने अपनी पत्नी से पूछा, " कब-कब?"
पत्नी: एक बार जब आपके दिल का ऑपरेशन हुआ था तो मैं शहर के सबसे बड़े डॉक्टर को मनाने गयी थी।
पत्नी: अगली बार जब आप जेल में बंद थे और रिहाई का कोई रास्ता नहीं था तो जज के पास गयी थी।
नेता: और तीसरी बार?
पत्नी शर्माते हुए बोली, "जब आपको सरकार बनानी थी और आपके पास 76 MLA कम थे।
घंटे का राज!
शादी के बाद हनीमून पर गोवा गये जोड़े ने वहाँ दिन भर घूम फिर कर बिताया, शाम को होटल के कमरे मे बैठकर दोनों ने तय किया कि रात भर चर्च के बजने वाले हर घंटे पर वो अपना हनीमून मनाएंगे..
9 बजे घंटा बजा, जोश के साथ खेल शुरू !
10 बजे का घंटा बजा फिर कार्यक्रम !
फिर 11 बजे,
फिर 12 बजे,
पतिदेव की हालत पस्त
चुपचाप सिगरेट पीने के बहाने 12:30 पर निकले,
और चर्च पहुचकर घंटा बजाने वाले चपरासी से बोले-- भाई, ये 500 रूपए पकड़, और अब घंटा, हर दो घंटे के बाद बजाना!
चपरासी बोला -- ये नहीं हो सकता साहब!
कल शाम को ही आपकी मैडम हर आधे घंटे पर घंटा बजाने की एवज में 2000 रूपए दे गयी हैं...!!
Screw and Bolt!
On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I...
It Feels Good!
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two ...
Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the...
Under The Age of Consent
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
Poor Choice of Words
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this loo...
Once a Mom, Always a Mom
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a temple !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her, "Why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied, "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other she (Daughter-in-law) always asks my son, 'If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?'.
"And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!"
A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked, "Now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, wh...
The Fortunate Husband
Husband and wife went shopping to get new dresses for the wife.
After seeing numerous dresses, she shortlisted around 100 and further brought it down to 25. Out of these, she asked her husband to choose 5 dresses among them. Then she finally picked up one dress. It took 5 hours to finalise one dress.
The husband settled the bill and commented, "Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have wasted too much of time."
Ultimate comment of wife, "Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of Eve. You are lucky... you have to just sit in AC shop..." Moral: Never argue with a woman while shopp...
Right or Left?
A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.
Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down.
The left wing meant: I will be busy tonight and won't be home.
The right wing meant: In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.
One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife h...
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of th...
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.~ Robin Williams
Anyone interested in astrology, occult science, premonition, intuition etc??
Lighter or Matches?
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.
He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.
She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?
He: Oh, sometimes...
She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up...
What'll Our Baby Be Called?
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, "What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Sometime later, the same thing happened again: another boy started to kiss her neck, h...
The Happiest Day
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."
"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.
A Tale of Two Diaries
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. ...
Elderly Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more h...
Relationship is easy when spouses know each other. Here are 2 classic examples:
1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.
He tells his wife, "Dear, there was a drinking competition after meeting today."
His wife spontaneously, "Who got the second position?"
2) A wife tells her husband, "Dear, there was a letter for you with `Private and Confidential" written on the envelope.
The husband casually asks, "What was written inside?"
Great understanding of each other!
A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner to find little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants.
The kid is muttering to himself, "I hate these fucking ants... I hate these fucking ants..."
The priest is taken aback by the little boy's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk.
"Tomorrow I will be coming by again, and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then I will let you continue killing the ants."
The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds him of the agreement they had made, ...
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on.
So he goes up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?"
His grandpa replies, "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says, "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds, "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt too long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
Standing Up Sex
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the r...