Second Worst Pain
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles.
As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
Compliment or Sexual Harassment?
Every day a man would walk up to a woman in her office, stand very close to her, inhale a deep breath of air, and say, "Your hair sure smells nice!"
After a week of this, she reports him to the Human Resources Department.
"I want to file a sexual harassment suit against him."
The HR supervisor was puzzled, "I don't get it. How is a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice sexual harassment?"
The woman replied, "It's Keith. You know, the midget?"
Note on Fridge
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning: My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset -- I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this o...
What You Like Vs What You Need
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly...
But what I *need* is a new tie!...
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advice and warning by her mother, "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1. Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2. Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3. Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
Little Johnny Learns a New Skill
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
Cook My Sock...
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
Long and Stiff!
A honeymoon couple had booked a sleeper berth for their trip. However when boarding the train, they found their berths were both upper berths on opposite sides of the compartment.
During the night, the groom, feeling amorous, whispered across to his bride, "Come across here darling."
She whispered back, "How can I get across."
he groom said, "I have something stiff you could crawl across on."
A voice from the lower berth asked with a chuckle, "How's she going to get back?"
Ring Around The Penis
Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first.
In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."
Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big differ...
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'who left the garage door open?'"
A man went to see the local doctor and complained because his wife was having too many little bastards; she was having at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds em all."
The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove the man's right testicle. He then administered anesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and performed the surgery.
Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. T...
Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous. Killed four guys already."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It Was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, ...
Free Sex with Fill-up
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.
The buyer then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed this time, again the proprietor s...
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is the local butcher, a simple, unpolished man. Reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath."
There they go again, and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,...
The Dinner Date
Sadie and Yetta, two widows were talking: Sadie, "That nice Morris Finkelman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you before I give him an answer."
Yetta, "Vell, I tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even.
"Den ve go to a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much. I could just die from th...
मज़ा ही मज़ा!
एक लड़की की शादी हुई और उसकी सहेली को उसकी सुहागरात के बारे में जानने की बड़ी ही उत्सुकता थी।
सहेली: बता ना कल रात को क्या हुआ?
लड़की: कुछ नहीं।
सहेली: पर कल तो तेरी सुहागरात थी, कुछ तो हुआ होगा?
लड़की: कह रही हूँ ना कुछ नहीं हुआ।
सहेली: अच्छा तो मुझे कल रात की सारी घटना बता।
लड़की: रात को दस बजे मेरे पति कमरे में आये।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: उन्होंने अपना कोट उतारा और खूँटी पर टांग दिया।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उन्होंने अपनी टाई उतारी और खूँटी पर टांग दी।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उन्होंने अपनी शर्ट उतारी और खूँटी पर टांग दी।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उन्होंने अपनी बनियान उतारी और और खूँटी पर टांग दी।
सहेली: फिर क्या हुआ?
लड़की: फिर उ...
बीवी की बेवफाई!
एक नेता की बीवी बहुत ही सुंदर और सेक्सी थी।
एक दिन नेता के दिल में ना जाने क्या आया और उसने अपनी बीवी को बुलाया और पूछा...
नेता: सच-सच बताओ तुमने हमारे साथ कितनी बार बेवफाई की है?
पत्नी कुछ देर सोच कर बोली, "जी सिर्फ 3 बार।"
नेता मन ही मन खुश हुआ कि चलो इतनी सेक्सी होने के बाद भी इसने सिर्फ 3 बार ही बेवफाई की।
फिर भी उसने अपनी पत्नी से पूछा, " कब-कब?"
पत्नी: एक बार जब आपके दिल का ऑपरेशन हुआ था तो मैं शहर के सबसे बड़े डॉक्टर को मनाने गयी थी।
पत्नी: अगली बार जब आप जेल में बंद थे और रिहाई का कोई रास्ता नहीं था तो जज के पास गयी थी।
नेता: और तीसरी बार?
पत्नी शर्माते हुए बोली, "जब आपको सरकार बनानी थी और आपके पास 76 MLA कम थे।
घंटे का राज!
शादी के बाद हनीमून पर गोवा गये जोड़े ने वहाँ दिन भर घूम फिर कर बिताया, शाम को होटल के कमरे मे बैठकर दोनों ने तय किया कि रात भर चर्च के बजने वाले हर घंटे पर वो अपना हनीमून मनाएंगे..
9 बजे घंटा बजा, जोश के साथ खेल शुरू !
10 बजे का घंटा बजा फिर कार्यक्रम !
फिर 11 बजे,
फिर 12 बजे,
पतिदेव की हालत पस्त
चुपचाप सिगरेट पीने के बहाने 12:30 पर निकले,
और चर्च पहुचकर घंटा बजाने वाले चपरासी से बोले-- भाई, ये 500 रूपए पकड़, और अब घंटा, हर दो घंटे के बाद बजाना!
चपरासी बोला -- ये नहीं हो सकता साहब!
कल शाम को ही आपकी मैडम हर आधे घंटे पर घंटा बजाने की एवज में 2000 रूपए दे गयी हैं...!!
Screw and Bolt!
On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.
"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I...
It Feels Good!
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two ...
Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the...
Under The Age of Consent
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
Poor Choice of Words
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this loo...
Once a Mom, Always a Mom
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a temple !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her, "Why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied, "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other she (Daughter-in-law) always asks my son, 'If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?'.
"And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!"
A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked, "Now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, wh...
The Fortunate Husband
Husband and wife went shopping to get new dresses for the wife.
After seeing numerous dresses, she shortlisted around 100 and further brought it down to 25. Out of these, she asked her husband to choose 5 dresses among them. Then she finally picked up one dress. It took 5 hours to finalise one dress.
The husband settled the bill and commented, "Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have wasted too much of time."
Ultimate comment of wife, "Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of Eve. You are lucky... you have to just sit in AC shop..." Moral: Never argue with a woman while shopp...
Right or Left?
A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.
Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down.
The left wing meant: I will be busy tonight and won't be home.
The right wing meant: In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.
One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife h...
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of th...
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.~ Robin Williams