I hate you.
I hate the feelings.
I hate the places’
I hate the mornings!
I hate the memories!
But most of all l hate myself for have to still love through it all.
I hate that l have to still bare it and live.
Before you there was silence.
Before you I couldn’t hear anything inside screaming out.
I had locked love away to make sure it was protected even though she protested other wise.
Why doesn’t love listen and understand that none of this is going to be good for her ?
Then she saw you. She fought through the stone and some how got out.
She called upon Cupid and asked “ Will you shoot me again with a single arrow?”
Cupid without hesitation said “ Love you are only but a single heart. Why do you asked me over and over to bring you this? If it fails you can only break so much!”
Love being stubborn said
“I have seen so many and failed so many times but I believe you’ve shot him too, and now I ...
Stand with me arm in arm.
Walk with me side by side.
Down a few streets,a few feet, and only a mile wide.
Dance with me face to face.
Slowly cheek to cheek.
Whisper soft things to me whenever our eyes meet.
Be the only person I could ever love. Because I have loved before but never felt so sure.
Give me light and appreciation for I’d do anything for you even in aggravation.
Please stop that pain of tears. I find this and fear I can’t have it like I have for many years.
Caress my inner thighs. Make love to me it’s the only time I really ever feel alive.
Hold me after in the nook of your arm. Let me sleep by you and wake to your kisses as the softest alarm.
You don’t deserve anybody.
No one loves an emotional mess.
And that okay.
Someone else gets to touch his hands.
Someone else gets to kiss his lips.
Someone who actually does something for him.
Some else gets to be looked at by his eyes.
You get nothing but to sit in a dark room alone to cry.
You deserve nothing but all the hiding and lies.
Your not good enough for anyone to love you back.
You deserve what you lack.
You are a concept, a fun idea.
You get to be a toy set to the curb in a few months.
No one likes a blob with lumps.
You are allowed your isolation.
You get to suffer and suffocate in your devastation.
You are meant to be used and told what you want to hear.
How do you express to someone about what is happening deep inside of your heart for them?
How do correlate that whatever planter the seed to love them also wants you to keep loving them.
Because as much as you fight it, it beats at you. You ask the voice inside “ Why why have you given me this emotion! This love? This hungry to be there for them?”
Because it scares you. You know the voice is yours but you know deep down it’s not.
You know deep down who it is.
But you’re in denial from anger and confused.
Because you feel no one will believe you not even the person you love.
How do you express that you feel you realized that love and that they are the one. That whom it is that sho...
Pressed my lips together in a mirror. It’s fogged over and my image isn’t clear.
Just like my thoughts and mind the pressure builds near.
I am tired of what I am.
I am tired of who I will become.
I am lonely even when I am not supposed to be.
I can’t seem to shake the sorrow out of my head.
Maybe I am just a fucked up girl with no salvation.
Nothing to be solved.
Drips of dew from my eyes dropped today.
I stopped myself from the pain and took a hard long breath I held inside.
I do it to stop myself from crying and to stamp out the weakness of emotions.
I need a reminder that self pity is not going to help me.
I need a reminder that I am the one who had caused my own issues I am the breaker of my own heart.
I haven’t used my head. The emotional pain of self hatred and pity has stifled me enough.
I don’t get out of bed and I only search for temporary pleasure.
I don’t want to be motivated and it’s no ones fault but my own.
I am weak.
Anxiety covers me inside like liquid in my belly. As if I took a drink of it thinking it’s warmth would feed me and coat my stomach. But instead it burns me and leaves my stomach in pain, empty and hallow.
This is what happens when things seemed so good and then you disappear and make no contact. A lack of efforts.
My heart bursts again and anxiety leaks out at the wounds.
I can feel it as if blood is leaving my chest. It feels like I am bleeding out and that l will surly drowned in the constant pouring red.
I wonder if I am doing something wrong to make you change your mind or something else ?
Being without you makes it all so hard. I fear what I will be without you near me. What l wou...
At 11:15 on 11-15 time stopped for a second.
Thinking of you breathing next to me.
Thinking of your hands on my body.
I am sad. Flashes of everything we have done together.
The memories of your eyes
The look you always give me.
The beauty in the color of them.
Those eyes like the moss on a tree. Like the green in the sea.
The beauty of the dancing dark hues.
I ache inside with the thought of you being the one.
The wish I alway make.
I feel confused by my own heart.
It wants to block things off but hopes for something when I am given a glimpse of a dream.
Not many people know my name. I realized the moments I was out of their lives how vary little I mean to many.
But how very many who meant so much to me.
Why do I value things so whole heartedly?
Why do I cling to someone so dear ?
How is it most of them clear my name as though they had never cried or needed me so near?
How can you erase someone as if they are just a something ?
How is it so easy for other to forget you ?
I wish I had this type of let go.
I wish I was capable.
Do you take me for granted ?
Have you forgotten my face my friend?
I die for your attention and admiration.
To connect your eyes again!
I want to be your everything!
Have you forgotten how I love you ?
Do I annoy you?
Why am I scrambling for this so much ?
It’s not me!
But the dust you leave me in until you’re empty and need to be full again.
Am I a fool my friend?
I want to give you more then my body. But it’s all I know now.
The form of love I have weeped for you.
It pleads for you.
I wish to be your center of attention just like you are for me.
Always on my mind. Always in my sleep.
Always in my dreams. It’s on repeat.
I give you these things as I stand at the bottom of your feet.
This is my last entry here for good. I tried to blossom and failed. I tried to thinking writing again would help me. It only brings me pain and anxiety.
I tried for someone who never could of been.
I try and I am always failing. Always making the wrong turns and the wrong decisions.
I am always in the wrong direction.
Always a day late and a dollar short.
Someone’s temporary solidarity.
Nothing much happens for me.
Back to hiding out.
Back to waiting for death to find me soon.
Back to stoning up my heart and erasing any trace of love.
NO ONE GETS IN!
I reject anything that could cause me this pain.
Love is a joke we chase.
Just like humans.
All just a crock of shit.
How do you stop loving someone a certain way when they can’t love you the same way back ?
I am confused and wish this feeling hadn’t fruited into something fruitless.
How do you still care and love them but forget the romantic parts they carved into you?
I am always left.
People love me but no ones ever been in love with me.
I’ll never get that.
Strip me bare. Look at me naked while I stand there before you.
Look at me so I can see your eyes. Do you see in me my vulnerabilities and hunger for you?
Do you see what I wish you would nurture? Wishing you’d grab me and kiss me so hard it hurt.
My love will never be enough for you, will it ?
Would you find the words to tell me? Would you tell me back and express it or will I always be a one sided lover? Do you reciprocate my heart ? Show me again. What you show me now and then. But show me all the time like I do you. You beautiful creature.
Burning is one thing a heart can handle when it yearns for hope.
Pain is another that a heart can’t handle. But here we are our hearts brainstorming for what is suppose to be love?
Why do we tend to want something we thought didn’t exist? Then we get a a taste of it!
That’s because it doesn’t. Sadness is a constant and so is misery. Happiness is moderate and short revelations.
We live in Hell always. This life is damaging and I am not the goods I thought I was.
At least I can rely on pain.
This was suppose to happiness and it’s only turmoil.
It’s only me now. I’ll be sad for most of my days.
A bitter soul. No ship to save.
Let me drown myself please.
I can’t go on with the sound of my own madness. I stifle myself and keep myself buried.
You don’t seem to see or understand. I could of used your love and your saving! But why should I make that your fault?
I failed again in showing you and letting my dumb ass forget a cold heart is the best medicine for surviving.
Hello my old heart how have you been?
I kept you locked away from all of the sin.
I kept you thinking there was no where to begin.
Then he came around somehow able to easily bend the walls to try to fit his frame in.
Hello my old heart what do we even know?
We have been alone we don’t know how you grow?
We have kept a wall up to be safe and alone.
Why did he have to enter in?
Why couldn’t we just leave well enough alone?
Well hello old heart what can I say? He did nothing but stand at the gates and curiosity of a feeling made you open up your space.
Oh what can I say. You’re the one who deserves to feel this, when you knew better anyway.
You’re a stupid fickle fay.
Being beside you, we collided our fingers over and over each other softly touching and caressing the body.
Filling my entire being with hope.
Then after l remember what I don’t have. l shiver in the temporary of you.
It’s like a dream, then a nightmare, and now just silence because l can’t say the obvious?
I can’t state the certainty you bring my soul. I try to lie and say I am not made for anyone to keep myself safe.
But l just for a fiery moment felt like I was made for you.
Not knowing if you felt it ?
Not knowing if you see it?
I can’t imagine why it happened like this?
But I do and I am in misery again for it.