Breathe... this too shall pass. When things are said to you, do not have an emotional reaction. Master the art of calm and restraint so words do not hurt you.
There was a time I fought and conquered dragons and demons for you to feel safe but tonight I pray you find the courage to stay alive so you may one day tell the story of how you bravely fought and conquered bigger and stronger dragons and demons lurking in your pure unsuspecting heart.
The time has come when my eyes can’t stay awake. My mind is drifting, no longer wrapped in fog. My heart heavy not knowing how shallow you may be breathing. You are where I sent you out of love and sorrow. Strength no longer what I feel. Courage I had all out of fear. My heart aches. It bleeds. It’s beating but dead knowing choices are to be made. I made a choice out of love, fear and the slightest of hope that the pain I have caused you someday will give you peace.
It’s a different kind of quiet. Not one that you often have asked for. Not quite what you have felt. With this one comes the anticipation of better days and reassurance of peace and comfort. With this quiet comes the longing of the loudest relief in any form. With this quiet, it seems the same tears beg to peek out slowly, roll and drop laced with a new fear that maybe the new day might not be the best you’ve hoped for.
Training myself to let go of everything I’m afraid to lose is excruciating. Some days I’m drained empty and other days barely holding on to what used to matter. The balance in my life is teetering and in full swing to sides unknown. I’m often leaning on one side not by choice but by the stronger pull of that which overwhelms me. On the surface I maintain excellent composure as I go about my day, light seemingly shining through from within and an aura of confidence. I’m on survival mode more so than the other days when I didn’t have to make a choice. Not that this has never been placed before me. It’s a cycle that continually erupts always changing to keep me on my toes. I never wonder if this...
What I failed to see while in the process of eliminating traces of ME are the memories of those who I’ve met. They will forever remain in the places they’ve been kept. Some worth keeping, some worth forgetting these memories all created from how they see me and not who I am.
Just like the words I’ve written and read over and over again, the waves of love and heartache clash only to mingle and attach themselves to each other. This heart broken thought to not withstand another storm hangs on a sliver of hope that may or may not see the light. Lost most days and gone all nights, it’s but the whispers of the walls crying and singing their lullaby begging for one more day... love will find its way.
Let go of the man that you have become because he is not who you are. Let go of the hurt you never deserved. Let go of the anger that every now and then festers when you are reminded of past not forgotten. Let all that go and see your old self come home to you. Give the love that you always believed in and it will find you.
I've asked myself over and over again... how did it come to this? My compassion has backfired. What's worse, innocents have become casualties because I was kind and understanding. My love, as strong as I thought it's been is no longer enough to sustain.
I was what held us together. Now I'm the link that will break us apart... only because I was kind and trusting.
I reflect sadly on this... I'm gullible to other people's pain and suffering. My family is open hearted to a fault because this is how I molded my children... but I did not prepare them for those who will come between us. We are but numbers now.
How did it come to this?
This is easier said than done, most people would say. When we hurt deeply we allow the pain to consume us... but once we learn to not be taken over completely there is a lesson that life is teaching us. Find out what it is no matter what everyone says... that it’s easier said than done. Push through all that hurts. It can be done.
Don’t be afraid to get rid of the wrong people in your life. You’re making room for the right ones to come along.
It’s funny how we see ourselves sometimes thinking we are damaged because of the pain we have gone through. Think about it... Aren’t we still around? We’re not damaged, we’re indestructible. We’ve survived!
It’s such a challenge to allow the space where I am and where I want to be. What I would give to always have the courage to simply allow it instead of terrifying me. Deeply breathing in a new day, letting fresh air travel to fill my lungs and exhaling what’s old and stale. Slivers of strength I know are wedged in the tiny cracks of what’s horribly broken. My heart trembles... I ache.
The day started quiet,unpretentious. I’m not quite sure it’s the day I tried to prepare for last night. It seemed as though I could be living somewhere else with the same things I’ve been meaning to discard. Same bed, ever so slowly falling apart, beautiful beddings now faded, nightstands with drawers full of little things that should find their way in the trash. The stillness outside is remarkably calming. I could trick myself into thinking I have moved. Looking around without judgement, I wondered what my walls would say if they could talk.
Not bothering to pick up my feet off the ground, I shuffled my way to the hallway. Short as it has always been, narrow but respectful of the space I ne...
Today I write my last rose-scented words to you. Tucking them in the floral paper coffin I bid you farewell and may you find the love you need, that which I can’t give no matter how hard I try. Wrapped with all the love I have left for you, I let go of what you used to mean to me. Should we run into each other, keep walking past me. Walk away and make no effort to find out how I’ve been because you won’t want to know how much my life has gotten better without you. There were no tears shed, no memories dug up from under. All that I had to give I gave it all to you.
When I was younger
I was always careful not to burn bridges. Having grown older and wiser I now know that burning bridges is necessary so I don’t go back to those places I should never visit to begin with.
I’m not obligated to be the same person I was last year, last month, yesterday, a minute ago. I’m consistently changing to who I need to be regardless of anyone’s preference. The sooner everyone realizes this, the better we’ll get along.
What would people do if they realize that someone’s cherished memory of them is fading? Would they quickly say hello, drop a note or make that phone call? Does that explain the sudden way some people in our past try to become relevant again when we least expect it? I guess it’s this simple... others can’t help but linger when they feel they’re going to be forgotten even if they willingly left in the first place.
Fingertip to fingertip
Skin against skin
We hold hands on paper.
Thoughts to words
Caress the heart.
In love letters
We are together.
Captured and enslaved
We are by what we write
We live and die
With & without each other.
Dreams now shattered
Futures left behind
We only exist
In our love letters.
Tears hesitated to
trickle down my face
upon remembering how much I’ve loved you.
Fighting the confusion
between joy and sorrow
my heart, warm yet cold
struggled to stay alive.
Soul in exile, a battle won and war lost,
I beget freedom.
There is true freedom
in knowing I have
no love left to give you.
Something to think about...
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength.
Loving someone deeply gives you courage.
What would you prefer?
Finding peace is having to let go of your connection to people, things and places that make all the noise in your life. How badly do you want it?
To see the change I desperately need I have to start with myself. Nothing others do is because of me. What they say is a reflection of their own reality. To be immune to their words and actions I will not suffer needlessly. I cannot allow myself to take things personally.
This I have to believe everyday.
I now have to tiptoe in the presence of some people because god forbid I look like I have a thought it’s against them. Whatever I do or don’t do, i’m doing something wrong. It’s exhausting. If there was a way for me to completely vanish out of thin air I’d have done it already.
I’d like to be left alone in the very little space I occupy but even that is asking too much. I’m slowly getting stripped of my right to exist quietly.
Why is it that some people insist on not allowing others to have an opinion and yet they force theirs on others?
When some people are hellbent on putting blame on someone for their misery the questions they ask sound accusatory. It never sounds like they’re asking because they no longer control their tone. If that blame lands on you there’s no escape. All of a sudden, you become a person with no integrity because you are now guilty even if you are innocent. I wonder how they’d react if they become the poor bastard that you are now?
Imagine how big of a blow it was when I was told to mind my own business. It’s the very same people who habitually drag my peace-seeking life into their business affecting it horribly. I know one thing. I cannot sit calmly doing nothing about situations that I did not agree to be part of. It’s interesting when my actions affect those same people in response to the way I’ve been treated. They have the audacity to face me not thinking of all the fucking times I have been forcefully put in the center of their problems. These people are self-centered and selfish. Some more than others. I know my place. I distance myself. Soon I will be accused of indifference. In their eyes I become unloving and...
When someone you know reaches out to you hoping they can comfort you, be careful what you say. Well-meaning as they are, they might not be equipped to handle what you’re about to say. People are good generally offering words like “talk to me”. Be careful... be very careful.
I observe myself religiously. My thoughts and emotions, I check them. When I do this, I pass no judgement on whatever they are. I allow them to come out so I can process each one. As dark as some thoughts can be, that’s all they are... thoughts I’ve observed myself think. Not everyone understands this. I know well that thoughts can become actions. I am aware. When I’m trying to observe to process I’m mindf...