I've asked myself over and over again... how did it come to this? My compassion has backfired. What's worse, innocents have become casualties because I was kind and understanding. My love, as strong as I thought it's been is no longer enough to sustain.
I was what held us together. Now I'm the link that will break us apart... only because I was kind and trusting.
I reflect sadly on this... I'm gullible to other people's pain and suffering. My family is open hearted to a fault because this is how I molded my children... but I did not prepare them for those who will come between us. We are but numbers now.
How did it come to this?
This is easier said than done, most people would say. When we hurt deeply we allow the pain to consume us... but once we learn to not be taken over completely there is a lesson that life is teaching us. Find out what it is no matter what everyone says... that it’s easier said than done. Push through all that hurts. It can be done.
Don’t be afraid to get rid of the wrong people in your life. You’re making room for the right ones to come along.
It’s funny how we see ourselves sometimes thinking we are damaged because of the pain we have gone through. Think about it... Aren’t we still around? We’re not damaged, we’re indestructible. We’ve survived!
It’s such a challenge to allow the space where I am and where I want to be. What I would give to always have the courage to simply allow it instead of terrifying me. Deeply breathing in a new day, letting fresh air travel to fill my lungs and exhaling what’s old and stale. Slivers of strength I know are wedged in the tiny cracks of what’s horribly broken. My heart trembles... I ache.
The day started quiet,unpretentious. I’m not quite sure it’s the day I tried to prepare for last night. It seemed as though I could be living somewhere else with the same things I’ve been meaning to discard. Same bed, ever so slowly falling apart, beautiful beddings now faded, nightstands with drawers full of little things that should find their way in the trash. The stillness outside is remarkably calming. I could trick myself into thinking I have moved. Looking around without judgement, I wondered what my walls would say if they could talk.
Not bothering to pick up my feet off the ground, I shuffled my way to the hallway. Short as it has always been, narrow but respectful of the space I ne...
Today I write my last rose-scented words to you. Tucking them in the floral paper coffin I bid you farewell and may you find the love you need, that which I can’t give no matter how hard I try. Wrapped with all the love I have left for you, I let go of what you used to mean to me. Should we run into each other, keep walking past me. Walk away and make no effort to find out how I’ve been because you won’t want to know how much my life has gotten better without you. There were no tears shed, no memories dug up from under. All that I had to give I gave it all to you.
When I was younger
I was always careful not to burn bridges. Having grown older and wiser I now know that burning bridges is necessary so I don’t go back to those places I should never visit to begin with.
I’m not obligated to be the same person I was last year, last month, yesterday, a minute ago. I’m consistently changing to who I need to be regardless of anyone’s preference. The sooner everyone realizes this, the better we’ll get along.
What would people do if they realize that someone’s cherished memory of them is fading? Would they quickly say hello, drop a note or make that phone call? Does that explain the sudden way some people in our past try to become relevant again when we least expect it? I guess it’s this simple... others can’t help but linger when they feel they’re going to be forgotten even if they willingly left in the first place.
Fingertip to fingertip
Skin against skin
We hold hands on paper.
Thoughts to words
Caress the heart.
In love letters
We are together.
Captured and enslaved
We are by what we write
We live and die
With & without each other.
Dreams now shattered
Futures left behind
We only exist
In our love letters.
Tears hesitated to
trickle down my face
upon remembering how much I’ve loved you.
Fighting the confusion
between joy and sorrow
my heart, warm yet cold
struggled to stay alive.
Soul in exile, a battle won and war lost,
I beget freedom.
There is true freedom
in knowing I have
no love left to give you.
Something to think about...
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength.
Loving someone deeply gives you courage.
What would you prefer?
Finding peace is having to let go of your connection to people, things and places that make all the noise in your life. How badly do you want it?
To see the change I desperately need I have to start with myself. Nothing others do is because of me. What they say is a reflection of their own reality. To be immune to their words and actions I will not suffer needlessly. I cannot allow myself to take things personally.
This I have to believe everyday.
I now have to tiptoe in the presence of some people because god forbid I look like I have a thought it’s against them. Whatever I do or don’t do, i’m doing something wrong. It’s exhausting. If there was a way for me to completely vanish out of thin air I’d have done it already.
I’d like to be left alone in the very little space I occupy but even that is asking too much. I’m slowly getting stripped of my right to exist quietly.
Why is it that some people insist on not allowing others to have an opinion and yet they force theirs on others?
When some people are hellbent on putting blame on someone for their misery the questions they ask sound accusatory. It never sounds like they’re asking because they no longer control their tone. If that blame lands on you there’s no escape. All of a sudden, you become a person with no integrity because you are now guilty even if you are innocent. I wonder how they’d react if they become the poor bastard that you are now?
Imagine how big of a blow it was when I was told to mind my own business. It’s the very same people who habitually drag my peace-seeking life into their business affecting it horribly. I know one thing. I cannot sit calmly doing nothing about situations that I did not agree to be part of. It’s interesting when my actions affect those same people in response to the way I’ve been treated. They have the audacity to face me not thinking of all the fucking times I have been forcefully put in the center of their problems. These people are self-centered and selfish. Some more than others. I know my place. I distance myself. Soon I will be accused of indifference. In their eyes I become unloving and...
When someone you know reaches out to you hoping they can comfort you, be careful what you say. Well-meaning as they are, they might not be equipped to handle what you’re about to say. People are good generally offering words like “talk to me”. Be careful... be very careful.
I observe myself religiously. My thoughts and emotions, I check them. When I do this, I pass no judgement on whatever they are. I allow them to come out so I can process each one. As dark as some thoughts can be, that’s all they are... thoughts I’ve observed myself think. Not everyone understands this. I know well that thoughts can become actions. I am aware. When I’m trying to observe to process I’m mindf...
Well-intentioned words may not always do what we hope to give. Loving silence, we sometimes forget has more power to heal and connect. Listen...
It’s Monday morning and a new day has begun. Be careful what you tolerate... it’s how you train people how to treat you.
Set the tone of your day. All it takes is one small positive thought.
Don’t let anyone define who you are. Know that you are a person of substance. You are worthy. The world is a brighter place with you in it.
Change is the one constant in your life. Embrace what’s in front of you and accept that change is good.
You are loved.
I got up this morning and had forgotten that I no longer look the same. I walked past my mirrored closet doors and saw a lean woman with short blonde hair. My skin is dramatically darker. I look athletic without the bulk, free-spirited with a purposeful walk. My messy hair could be mistaken for a particular style but I really just rolled out of bed. When I leave to go to the water, layers and layers of hair product will slick each strand back to protect it from damage as I bathe the rest of me in sunblock. Taking a moment to observe and notice the difference, this blondeness in contrast to my deep tan doesn’t look bad. I’m still me with less to fuss with...
I was told to embrace the fact tha...
Some people say when the love of their life is gone they will not love again because that was enough. I think those people fear they will not find that specific kind of love. It seems so limiting to think that way. How do we really know unless we open our hearts up? Love is not like candy that can fill you up. The heart is resilient and it will expand to take in all the love that can keep coming. When we learn to accept how love works, we will hopeful become fearless and love like we’ve never loved before.
The truth of the matter is, my heart only knows to love one way. With that said, I know I have lived one lifetime after another falling in and out of love and finding it’s greatest love. I believe each greatest love my heart has found has always been the love I have for you. We have always been together as we found each other in all those lifetimes, parting at death, temporarily forgetting upon waking in the new life and remembering at the right moment we’re to meet again. When I say “I love you” you understand the gravity of the words I’ve said. My heart knows no bounds. It can withstand loss and knows no fear because it will find your heart and love. Our story rewrites itself again again an...
Sundays are for reflection...
I observe a lot and leave it at that because judging is quite exhausting and unnecessary... but it's not easy. Living a simple and quiet life seems effortless when I keep to myself but my world does not allow it. Although I manage to weave through what’s irrelevant to me, shit finds me. There’s nowhere to hide when people have a mission to make everyone else as miserable as they are. One could be at home enjoying a restful day needed and... people do not realize that maybe, just maybe my world does not revolve around theirs. I have better things to do with my precious time and for others that’s the least of their worries.
I often tell my grown children, “Be...
There's something so attractive about the people who are the opposite of what we are and those who appear to be somewhat like us. In the beginning we don't often think about it. We are drawn to them as they are drawn to us. With the excitement of the new find we look for those qualities we are most likely in need to work on in ourselves. Immersing ourselves in the opportunity to come as close to what we want to find in us we are temporarily blinded. There is so much freedom in enjoying those who have the qualities we lack. Over time if we are lucky we are molded to compliment each other creating balance in the relationship but other times we fall unfortunately into a state that we may have be...
You know when you’re caught off guard in the midst of a busy day trying to complete the tasks that demand your undivided attention, you stand there temporarily suspended in time, momentarily forgetting all that was so important, unsuspecting of this interruption... that’s simply me ardently thinking of you, sending you my love, wrapping you of all that’s familiar and heartwarming. You feel nothing but an ache you can’t shake off and the thought of me sitting quietly where I used to wait for you when I go to sleep. All this time I’ve worried that I no longer dream only to find out while I’ve been awake an integral part of me remains asleep waiting at the same place... aching, just as you feel ...