I am suffocated in my own skin,
Suffocated under the weight of;
The words I've never said,
Those silent screams I've never let out,
And under those tears, that've left my pillow,
Soaking in pain.
I try to speak, to cry, to let out
Every one of those emotions, that have anchored my heart,
And all I hear is a silent echo; my voice in my head, screaming out, don't trust this world,
No one will save you.
I bite my tongue, too afraid to speak, too afraid to share; and too afraid to let someone in.
It's cold in here, and there's not one, to warm this trembling soul.
It's dark in here, and there's no light, no passage to the other side.
It's a deep hole, and I'm here sinking,
Underneath the we...
The world quietens you. The people, the circumstances and their energies, they change you. And once you're in, there's no escape from this abyss. You sink and surface in repeated cycles but there's no way out of this mess. You're in, you're lost, you're alone and the darkness envelopes you. Finishes you from the inside, just to leave you to rot and wither away. You'll never be out. There's no tomorrow. No light at the end of this struggle. Just this sinking abyss, the misery and you.
- Prerna Khatri
5 minutes with Anxiety
Furiously typing down a list of to-do's,
On a typical Monday morning;
Things to do, people to meet, and all under a shadow of pretence.
All those thoughts, and so many more;
Whilst holding on that perfect smile.
The day went about with its usual ricocheting calm;
A pound, a thump, a smile;
A jitter, a doubt, some pride;
usually in the same order.
Maybe even, sometimes, my heart loud enough, To dull down that made up charm.
And then, all in those 5 minutes;
The world seemed way too fast and yet so slow.
That every attempt to survive, would somehow deter, come crashing in crumbles,
And cause rapid destruction.
Alas, I had company. I was interrupted,
We are all artists, wanderers,
Lost in a crowd full of dreams.
Yearning for that one lullaby,
That puts our restless hearts to sleep.
The artists, the wanderers and the free spirits, they say, are all in search of stories.
And, in this cruel and unforgiving world,
We are often, bunking, berth to berth, searching for, respite.
Sometimes making our own stories, or listening to one too many, as we move along.
We wander like nomads, often clothed in our shattered dreams,
Searching for that one lullaby, one tale of courage, one comforting word,
That is just enough, to ease the beaten spirit.
And in the quest for love, our stories are all we have.
We sat still, as the waves of this
Endless life swept past us.
We sat close, our fingers intertwined,
Amidst all the chaos and screeching silence.
We said nothing, and then, a lot more.
The skies they'd fade, and form a conversation,
While we immersed ourselves in that silence.
Who even said that silence had no language,
It was then, I felt you could hear my thoughts in even as much
as a whisper; all my attempts to talk were
Felt in that tight clasp and in minutes
Of that warm embrace.
I had felt love like nothing before.
I had finally surrendered.
Felt magic right here for the first time,
When you held me
Close in a tight embrace.
Soothing my wounds and
Fixing the pieces of my broken heart.
Wonder how you did it though,
Eased my fears, calmed my restless mind
and brought me back to life.
Wonder what it was,
It was only magic!
It was only your love!
Letters after Dark
12th February, 2015
Today, I felt better.
The pounding in my chest had finally mellowed down.
I read fifteen pages from your favourite book; hoping I could revive you
With every passing word.
I came across your favourite paragraph; how it spoke of longing,
Love and everything bygone.
It seemed like those words were now etched on my being;
And nothing made sense, since the day you left me.
Those words spoke of memories that are buried before time;
How we’re forced to perform a funeral to these memories, after a certain time;
Of how only moving on is the most plausible explanation, to ease the burning wounds.
I could now relate entirely.
For that’s w...
A whisper to my only friend
Please listen to me;
There's a pounding in my chest, amidst all this stillness around me,
I need your hand, I need your strong arms to hold me tight.
I need you to hold me close, I need you to do whatever you can,
To ease this ceaseless chase.
I'm screaming, my voice starting to echo;
It's driving me mad.
And all I'm looking for is, a comforting hand.
I look quite at peace; ever so deceptive,
Is my mind.
Try as I much, I can't put this restless heart to sleep.
Maybe you could try; maybe this vulnerable heart,
Will rip open itself, and finally let someone in.
Or maybe not; how should I know?
I've been a stranger to my soul, for as long as I know.
I wish I could give you my strength,
in the form of a hug, a smile and a listening ear.
I wish I could be there at all times,
Holding your hand, making sure, you brave no storm alone;
I wish I could take your pain away, for I know your nights have been filled with tears.
I wish I could do everything,
To make you feel better.
I wish I could bring back that smile, before the cruel world took you over.
It aches to know that you're fighting this world alone; completely lost and insecure,
Yet not saying so much so as a word in retort.
My fighter, you are.
My lone warrior, my soldier.
This world is too small, for all the things you can conquer.
Go on, fight the world with all your warmth.
When I tremble,
With a cloud of questions in head;
Draw me in an embrace, bring me closer to your chest;
And let my mismatched and rapid heartbeats, slowly match yours;
Whisper sweet words of love,
And gently caress my wounds.
A kiss on my forehead, a tighter embrace;
Will fix those pieces that
My fears are trying to disintegrate.
I need no grand gestures, nor an answer to every question;
I need you. As a whole.
I need you, in every breath;
I need you to ease this broken heart;
I need you, I need you, I need you all along.
A fresh start, maybe?
I'm trying to begin again;
Trying to, find a fresh start,
Trying to erase all the memories from a time long gone.
I tried to walk past the bar where we first met,
Consciously tried to forget how we slipped into a timeless maze.
I tried to walk past your house, where nights we spent,
Making sense of the chaos around.
I tried to walk past that furniture store on that high street,
Remember, we picked out frames to fill up the wall beside our bed?
I tried to even stop eating your favourite sandwich,
A little chilli and a lot of southwest.
For all I tried, and so far I reached;
Couldn't let go of the first song you sang to me.
I tried to let it all out, cry till I no...
We're all connected;
Little bits of the universe in every one of us.
We unite in our dreams, in our desires, in our chase with time;
We unite in our tears, in our scars, in our moments of survival.
We unite in happiness, in victory, in our periods of glory.
Yet, we all stand apart.
We merge at traffic lights, in bars and restaurants many;
Our stories, they collide, with the universe wanting to reunite.
Yet, some stories they pass, in the brinks of unexchanged time.
We were one before we formed; and will be one at the end of time.
Some stories we bear, and some we pass on.
Some yet, die before they are even born.
Every atom, every cell, every bit of our being;
Is a p...
For a while now, I've been around
Aimless and still; taking in from my surroundings
But not finding a way to vent.
I felt like time had stopped, and even worse,
It felt like it would be like that forever.
The silence got too much to take, and the voices kept ringing within.
Oh the irony!
Wanted to voice out my thoughts, and silence the mind.
It seemed like nothing would ever change.
And that feeling of disappointment, anger, cowardice, maybe; was much more when
Every attempt to break free, failed.
Even succumbing to this feeling led to numbness over time.
The world would go about their lives, every thing would whisk past;
And my life, still as a portrait, frozen in time.
And yet; the ...
Not a fairytale..
After months of endless arguments,
We lay under a blanket of stars;
and the only sound around us, was that of the incessant traffic.
We were holding on to the last pieces of our love; love that was long gone,
And all that was left, was to cling on to our memories together.
As the clocks ticked louder than our breath, I remembered how you whispered,
And asked me,
"Did I not do enough? Did I not love you enough? Did I not give you enough?"
And in those moments of lost conversation, tears came gushing down.
The silence of our tears was piercing through the words we failed to say.
I wish I had told you then, that you did love me enough; but may be, just may be,
I am a reader, and I always will be.
I found life, as I read the stories woven in a book.
A breath of fresh air that instilled the purpose of being.
A new friend, a new tale, a whirlwind of emotions, an unexpected twist.
That was my life since I was a child.
I grew among fictional friends.
Grew to learn people, like a beautiful tale.
If you were to talk to me; engage me in a long lost story.
Tell me your side, leave me to guess the rest.
You'd have my heart, and slowly,
my secrets will unravel.
Engage me in your tale.
You'll have a life long friend.
-- Prerna Khatri
Lost in my 2am thoughts,
You visited me.
The frequency grew;
Turned into a nightly affair.
My hopes they grew,
Swam on cloud nine.
I'd laugh and weep, smile and cry;
My midnight companion was always there.
It was the dawn that hurt the most,
When my dreams would end,
And you'd appear no more.
I want to write a letter to my fragile little heart, to remind it,
“That it’s okay to fall apart; it’s alright to cry and let it all out.
For there have been times, when you’ve stood tall and strong,
And no force of emotions, could tear you down.
You will pave your way, eventually, and this episode
Will be another story in history. You’ll bear this storm,
And once it’s over, and you walk out to the other side,
You will not even realize that you braved it all, and with such grace.
Give yourself time, absorb what’s happening around you, let your emotions
Takeover, feel it all; and you’ll know, in your heart, that it’s time to let go
Of every negative emotion, that bogged you down...
My heart aches for you
There have been nights
When I've cried myself to sleep;
For your absence has left a void,
Ever since I saw you last.
I wonder if I should cry,
'Cause my heart aches for you;
Or be grateful for those memories,
That I'll carry lifelong.
-- Prerna Khatri (17.01.2016)
A letter to my estranged lover!
I'd like to tell you today... That I loved you, still do and always will.
I loved you with all the broken pieces of my soul;
I loved you with irrespective of time; morning, night or noon;
I loved you inspite of every schedule.
I loved you across all barriers, keeping all the distance aside.
I loved you with no preconceived intentions in my mind.
I've loved you more than I ever thought I could love; but so they say, love is never enough.
But I thought we could defy that.
Set up our own norms, fill up our lives with so much love,
That no other restriction, could find its way in.
Didn't you too?
Guess I was wrong.
Whilst building castles in the air,
Her journey was never complete
Without a postcard from every place she visited.
That, she said
Was her way to mark a memory.
She'd remember in an instant, the tales that she held within, of the person she was,
Of the people she was with, of the sights she saw. All those details would pour itself out,
Like holding a waterfall within, all in
those postcards. That was her time-machine,
A way back into everything she felt while she was there.
Her shrine when she searched for solitude.
Her companion when needed a friend.
She had preserved every one of those, and the stories they'd hold
A piece of paper for some, a lifetime to her.
I carry a notebook around,
With pages dog-eared
Of tales I'd write every night,
Of ones I'll tell you
When I see you next.
My relationship with the
Pretty pink book has thickened;
It's been a while,
Since I saw you last.
Maybe you've been lost, in all this translation,
Or may be, my book and I have
Developed a bond.
These stories long for you,
And I ache for you.
Come find me,
In the pages, which may have
Now gathered dust.
Come, unmark these pages,
And read the stories you've been away from.
I will revisit them with you,
And travel back in time;
Narrate in excitement of the time
That whisked by.
Come find me, and read the stories out aloud.
The book longs for you, and s...
The moon hears me talk, every night,
As I whisper tales of our love.
I see the stars sparkle, almost
Like you were smiling back.
It brings me closer to you,
Despite all the distance that tears us apart.
I feel like you're still here, like we were
When time was our friend.
Oh dear, it's pleasing,
To know that we share the same moon,
The same one that brings your smile close.
-- Prerna Khatri
As much as I fight for it otherwise,
To me, you will be,
Nothing more than a memory!
-- Prerna Khatri
Gasping for breath,
I nervously tossed from side to side.
My demons, they'd wake, every night.
I'd fight them off, most nights;
Or wake up, crying,
not knowing how to put them to rest.
Until, one night, you held me close, Wiped off those tears,
Kissed away my fears, and
Bade the demons good-bye!
-- Prerna Khatri
Our Shared Silence
The silence grew louder, but that was not just mine.
It was a shared one, not the ones that kept us at ease, But the silence
that drowned with comfort we shared. It was
our moment, that fell in place with ease. Today, this uncomfortable silence was the loudest
That had ever been. It was louder
Than the spoken thoughts, those endless months of pleasant exchange.
Now those thoughts seemed uneven, it lacked our sync.
The usual warm embrace could no longer soften the wounds.
What snatched away my shelter, not just in troubled times, but even
In the moments of joy. Even the buzzing crowd
could no longer drown those silent cries. It seemed to grow louder;
Till that was t...
What's it like,
To live in a dungeon
That was self created,
Which has brought you down to ruins,
Which has reduced all that remained, into complete ashes..
What's it like,
To desperately want that dugeon unlocked,
But, have the key strapped around your neck;
But not know how to unlock it.
What's it like,
When you realise that all the doors that you think are locked,
Have always been open;
You only didn't dare to see.
To be set free,
It's all about the leap you need to take,
That little courage,
To live the life of your dreams.
It's all about that chance you need to take.
I've been living off your memory,
Since a very long time.
You're still here, and we still are, one. Yet, those memories
Seems more lifelike, than you by my side.
I'm trying to snapback, bring myself to reality,
But each day, I'm clinging on to a memory, hoping that one day,
You'll be the person you were years ago.
I'll hold on, till my heart can no longer bear.
Maybe, till then, you'll no longer be just a memory.
Maybe then, you'll be there.
I miss him.
It's been a while now, since I said it last.
But damn, I do!
It's been a long long time, since I touched him last;
Oh, that warmth in his never ending hugs; I could use
One of those right now.
It's feels like forever since I've even seen him,
This bloody distance, my biggest foe.
What would I ever do without him?
Without those nights of endless tales, and mindless banter.
Who would I run to, and look for companionship
When the storm is chasing me?
Who would even be there, as much?
There is something in him, something magical;
That makes everything seem right.
Damn this distance, and damn everything that's between us.
Across waters, and time; this love would never ce...
May I please ?
Your heart is filled with a thousand untold stories,
And you're holding them in, bearing that burden, all alone.
I'm here, helpless; unable to ease your pain.
Let me in, and we'll share that weight.
I'll give you love, till it infects.
These stories, that make your soul bleed,
Will soon ooze with love,
If you'd let me in just once.
Let me be your shelter, when you're alone in the storm;
Let me be your light, when the world is dark.
I'll give you warmth, joy, and my constant presence, you'll have
I'll be there, and love you, with all my heart.
Please let me in, just once.
A lifelong memory
You may have been in my life only for a short time,
But in that while, I couldn't have asked for more.
You may just be a memory now,
A well preserved memory that I visit, every night.
You are there, and my heart is not yet ready to let go.
I have loved you, still do and always will.
And some day, if we ever cross paths again, my heart will know.
It will draw out the memory,
From the day we became.
And you'll know, and I will know, exactly which one;
Yet, I'm certain, we'll look away.
-- Prerna Khatri