|Happiness is the Only Thing worth fighting for! 💕 Instagram: _pj.arts_ Facebook: PJ Jeya|
I've hated myself for as long as I can remember but the pain of that hatred doesn't even come close by the thought of you hating me..
I wish I knew how to show you my love without pushing you away every time you come closer to my heart
But instead I made you hate me for everything I am
You killed me with your coldness when I thought there was a shred of love inside of you.
I just wish your words wouldn't cut me like a sword
Because every time I think
I should open up
I just bleed even more
Write whatever comes to mind
So many thoughts
Thoughts of you
It all gets too overwhelming
But I can't stop thinking
I try to write
Write whatever comes to mind
But every time I start
Nothing else comes to mind
It's just you.
I can't stop smiling. I try to keep a neutral face as I get on the train to go home but every time I stop smiling, I rethink for a second and I smile even bigger than I did before.
''What just happened..'' My mind is full of so many thoughts.. so many unexpected turns, so many words and memories expressed with pain but even being there, next to each other in silence, everything seems so surreal. Even the silences with little glances makes me smile.
I hoped for the worst, just to be done with it, to justify why I left a year ago but the second I was there, next to him, nothing felt more safer than that.
Talking to each other felt so peaceful, and at the same time I was terrified..
Forbidden love - Part Two
I stand in front of the mirror, while fixing my hidjab, my mind gets filled by thoughts about his little features. I think about the way we jokingly call each other darling and honey and smile.
I take a deep breath and put my hand on my heart. I feel such an intensity that I have to focus on my breathing. I speak out loud and say to myself;
"You can not let this happen. You may not feel this way"
A few moments later I see him standing with all the others and again I feel that intensity I felt earlier. I try to ignore it and walk towards my classmates
Usually I can focus on myself and the others but lately I can't seem to think about anything else but him
Sleepdeprived, worried, stressed and full of thoughts I get on the train. All I could think about was my bed and being wrapped around in blankets
On the trainride i think of everything that happened years ago, the way i lost her and everything became so different in my life
But a few hours later when I get off the train and my eyes keep searching for her, I realise I feel a bit nervous so I walk around a little, turn around and her eyes met mine
For a second, I felt it.. joy, happiness, love and I automatically smile.
I hug her and I smell her perfume, I wrap my arms around her waist and it feels so safe
Wherever we went that day, it didn't matter. I could listen to her talk all day lo...
It always has been you
Back then when I first felt the butterfly feeling
and even right now
after many guys tried to make me fall for them
the one who makes me smile without even trying
the one I will always have in the back of my mind
It doesn't matter which guy comes along
it doesn't matter how much he will make me laugh and snort
No one will ever come close to you
No one will ever become you
It always has been
And it always will be
- The one that got away.
I was walking around, like every other day. My life was very simple, I woke up every morning with a smile on my face and a new attitude to achieve a great day. I greeted my mom with a kiss and my dad with hug. I went to work with a smile and tried to make contact with every person I walked by.
At that moment, on a very ordinary day, I saw her.
She was across the street, with a smile so bright that it could lit up the whole street. She just stood there, being her own self. The way her hair moved with every movement she made, her clothes fit her perfectly, showing beautifully every curve she has and her kindness when she talked to the strangers around her, the way every person turned their ...
Ever felt this feeling where you can feel something weighing you down on your chest but when you look down you can't see anything at all?
You put your hand on your chest and you can feel your chest go up and down. You can feel your heart keeps beating. Every thing feels as it supposed to be, everything seems normal aswell
But then again, you feel this weight on your chest.. and this time you close your eyes, you focus on your body and you feel your heart break in pieces, you feel a cold breeze surrounding your body and your eyes get wet.. it happens all at once
The feeling of sorrow
The feeling of loneliness
The feeling of crushed dreams
The feeling of a broken heart
- I've felt it all b...
Hush little baby
Don't you cry.
I know this world isn't fair to you
But please don't let time go by
All these moments that he put you through hell
Never seems to make sense
He always said he loved you so
But I guess no one could ever tell
His words were all lies
And his smiles were all fake
But I swear from the bottom of my heart
Thinking about this gives me a heartache
Hush little baby
Don't you cry
I will always be here for you
No matter how much time goes by
- hush little baby
Different kind of pain,
It still bruises me
Some days it even
makes it impossible to breath
I will endure this pain
As long as I can see you smile
Touch your arm
Hug you tight
And love you quietly
I will endure this pain
As long as you will secretly be mine
I will endure this pain
As long as the reality hurts
But my dreams stay the same
I will endure this pain
If that's what it takes
To see you happy
Even if thats with her
I don't know how to look at you
Like i am not in love
The way i can stare into your eyes
And feel the chills go down my spine
It all feels so new, like its still the same
You look at me and I don't see the same
But then I hear her voice on the
And your eyes lit up like little stars
So I smile
Cause there she is, coming closer
She grabs your hand and stands next to you, softly pushing her shoulder into yours
She looks at you with a smile on her face and there it is..
That same look
The one filled with love
So I smile, knowing you are loved by her
And she is loved by you.
Have you ever been in love?
This question has been the center of so many conversations in my life. A question that makes me go back to being a teenager.
A girl that doesn't know what love means besides sharing her lunch at school or waiting for each other after class or even going into detention because that certain person would be there aswell.
That question always reminds me of the late night wishes of "what if" and the prepared conversations played over and over in my head. Falling in love has so many expectations these days but back then it was all so simple.
We called it love when someone would tell you to get home safe. We called it love when you saved the last slice for the other...
Thinking about so many years we have endured, the pain we have overcome, the sorrow we shared, the joy we found and the love we held onto
Everything was for love
For his love
For his three words
But little did I know, that his love was the curse laid upon my soul.
And little did he know, that I would take his curse with a smile then lose him ever again
Lately I get comments of some lovely people saying that I should hold on and that I should love myself and everything will be better.
That's the thing lovelies, those sweet words arr amazing but I do love myself. I have struggled eith that for many years but i can honestly say that I love myself
But that doesn't take away that it still hurts when close people leave you like you are nothing. It still hurts like he'll
Cause we are human, we need love in our life and I'm not even talking about relationship kind of love but the honest and pure friendship kind of love
And when you think for many years that you've found that pure selfless love and it all turns out to be a lie..
Staring at a blank page, not knowing what to write
These are the moments I cherish the most, all alone under the moonlight
No words are enough to explain how empty I feel
This will always be the only place where I can be real.
No fake smiles, no pretending to be happy all the time
This mountain towards happiness is too hard to climb
One minute I'm crying and the next I'm getting ready to go out
I love too hard, I love too deep.
that's my problem, cause I am the person everyone can be without
Why am I even here?
They don't want me anywhere near
I am a burden in their life
Lately I even find myself grabbing the knife
Every time a little longer
Every time the urge g...
I walk through the allies of the supermarket searching for my favourite cookies and then I suddenly freeze. I hear something familliar, I look around, close my eyes and I hear the song that you sang to me many months ago.
My body doesn't seem to be able to move, I listen to the song on the radio and your face slowly appears in my mind. First your beautiful hair then your eyes filled with innocence and a little adventure. Your cheeky smile cause you always knew how I felt about you and you never stopped teasing me about it.
So many memories rush through my mind and I get so overwhelmed that I have to find the support to keep standing. I hold on to the pillar next to me and keep listening ...
I just really wish that platonic relationships were more important. I'm tired of losing friendships because I'm less important than their significant other. I hate that I am automatically not as close to my friends because I'm not the person they are dating or sleeping with. The second i say something about it, I get the reaction ,"you'll understand when you have found someone". But no I shouldn't have to find someone to feel loved and important.
Shouldnt we cherish the ones who stick by us through all the dirt we overcome and all the moments we are overwhelmed with joy because of those special kind of friends..
I don't know about you, but right now, when Im not even sure about my most pre...
Loneliness just seems like a word
These days it cuts me with a sword
The way it makes my head twist and turn
There is no other way to describe it then the fire that burns
All alone on days i am surrounded by the ones whom claim to love me the most
Nothing that changes after so many years, i just feel so lost
I keep my head high and a smile so pretty as a diamond
Sadly do they know the truth that keeps me silent
Every scar and every wound seem to re-open
Here i am, crying and screaming trying not to sink in the deep blue oceon
Moment of Defeat
''Keep walking'' I say to myself. '' This is not safe here. You can't show how you feel''
I speed up my pace and before I realise where I was going, I feel the rough edges of the tree where I always find my comfort. I sit down next to the fallen tree where no one can see me. ''Here I am again''
I feel the tears in my eyes but I refuse to give in. I have held these tears back for 4 days now and I sure as hell can stay strong. This just can't be the end of it.
''A few deep breaths and I will be fine'' is what I say to myself . I hear my phone go off and my first thought was ''Niska!''. I jump up and look at my phone. It was just an email.. I can't hold it in anymore. I ...
Moment of Happiness.
I'm so nervous. My hands are sweating and I can't seem to get a grip on my voice. Looking at the door makes me feel anxious so I start walking back towards the table. I keep looking at every detail, I convince myself to make little changes but when I take a pencil in my hand I start questioning if I should do it or not. 'God, this rush going through my body is so new'' I say to myself out loud. I have no idea where this came from.
Okay so focus. Let's check everything again to make sure I didn't miss anything. My sister walks in and says that he is here. I look at her and instantly stop moving. She walks up to me and tells me to take a few deep breaths and somethi...
A moment of safety
I was trapped in my room upstairs, I heard my mother cry and stand in front of my sister and me to protect us. My sister wrapped her arms around me, making sure my father's hands wouldn't reach me.
After a few minutes everything went calm and I messaged the only person who knew about this horrible side of my family.
10 mins later and still no response. I put my phone down as I hear footsteps on the stairs and the drunken voice of my father get closer. At that moment I realised that the night was far from over.
In the middle of hearing my mother scream, my sister cry and my father break things, I heard the subtle notification sound of my phone. I grabbed my phone in a...
This feeling in my chest, the thoughts that go through my head, the tears that well up in my eyes, the memory of the day we first met.
Why did i let myself do this again
Why did i let you in
Why did i let myself care
When i already knew you wouldn't stay
I was a trial run, I was a save bet, I was the safety if the other would neglect.
I'm right back where I started, back in my bed trying to keep myself together, while you are out there loving her.
I tell myself, stop caring, stop letting them in, stop loving so much..
But then I remember your voice, your smile, the feeling I get when you are here.
And once I again,
I catch myself smiling at the fantasy of ever being your first choi...
I keep going back to the same place even when i swear i would do things differently.
Why did you make me trust you?
Why did you say you would catch me?
3 years ago you left me hanging for her. I shared my deepest secret and you turned around and walked away. No note. No message. No phone call. I wasn't even worth an explanation. It hit me harder every time I came across the parc where we connected. For 3 years I tried to distract myself. But how can you distract yourself from something that is the reason of not being able to love deeply again.
Now, 3 years later and i get a phone call from you. I smile when i hear the voice that sounds like home even after 3 years. A week later I saw y...
You only look at me cause you can't go near her..
You kiss me because you hope to forget how her lips tastes like..
I guess I am a fool for ever thinking you would love me for me..
When I clearly know I'm only here because she isn't.
I look around me, i can't find a way to run. My feet just don't seem to move, my head gets all messed up and I can't send the right signal to my feet. 'Move, god damn it! Don't just stand there!' but all I do is scream. 'Don't touch me! Let me go'.
I even say it slowly with a grip on my shaking voice. ''Please just let me go. I don't want you to touch me.'' I look at the person who is holding me and I focus on the little wrinkles, the tiny eyes and the little smirk. 'You have to listen to me. If I say come with me, you do not have a choice.'''
I push the hands away who keep holding my hands in a firm grip. But everytime that I push them away they keep coming back to hold me even tighte...
We think through about the words we want to say
All because we despite making the common mistake
For months all I could think about were the times we chilled
Just because those are the moments that made the kill
I can hardly endure the pain you put me through
I was nothing but true to you.
Moments of happiness fills up my mind as I walk down the streets. Next to that grey lamppost I hugged a guy for the first time. Next to that huge tree I fell off my bike with a friend while laughing about it. In that beautuful parc i shared my fear of loneliness for the first time. On that train station my best friend and I acted like a couple who made fun of each other. So many memories, so many laughter and so many seconds of a carefree life.
I walk towards my back door, I open it with a firm grip and walk inside. I hear my siblings laughing about a joke. I walk up to them, ask about their day and make a few jokes myself. After a while i go upstairs saying
"I'm tired, I should go to bed"...