|Happiness is the Only Thing worth fighting for! 💕 Instagram: pjartsoriginals|
Moment of Defeat
''Keep walking'' I say to myself. '' This is not safe here. You can't show how you feel''
I speed up my pace and before I realise where I was going, I feel the rough edges of the tree where I always find my comfort. I sit down next to the fallen tree where no one can see me. ''Here I am again''
I feel the tears in my eyes but I refuse to give in. I have held these tears back for 4 days now and I sure as hell can stay strong. This just can't be the end of it.
''A few deep breaths and I will be fine'' is what I say to myself . I hear my phone go off and my first thought was ''Niska!''. I jump up and look at my phone. It was just an email.. I can't hold it in anymore. I ...
Moment of Happiness.
I'm so nervous. My hands are sweating and I can't seem to get a grip on my voice. Looking at the door makes me feel anxious so I start walking back towards the table. I keep looking at every detail, I convince myself to make little changes but when I take a pencil in my hand I start questioning if I should do it or not. 'God, this rush going through my body is so new'' I say to myself out loud. I have no idea where this came from.
Okay so focus. Let's check everything again to make sure I didn't miss anything. My sister walks in and says that he is here. I look at her and instantly stop moving. She walks up to me and tells me to take a few deep breaths and somethi...
A moment of safety
I was trapped in my room upstairs, I heard my mother cry and stand in front of my sister and me to protect us. My sister wrapped her arms around me, making sure my father's hands wouldn't reach me.
After a few minutes everything went calm and I messaged the only person who knew about this horrible side of my family.
10 mins later and still no response. I put my phone down as I hear footsteps on the stairs and the drunken voice of my father get closer. At that moment I realised that the night was far from over.
In the middle of hearing my mother scream, my sister cry and my father break things, I heard the subtle notification sound of my phone. I grabbed my phone in a...
This feeling in my chest, the thoughts that go through my head, the tears that well up in my eyes, the memory of the day we first met.
Why did i let myself do this again
Why did i let you in
Why did i let myself care
When i already knew you wouldn't stay
I was a trial run, I was a save bet, I was the safety if the other would neglect.
I'm right back where I started, back in my bed trying to keep myself together, while you are out there loving her.
I tell myself, stop caring, stop letting them in, stop loving so much..
But then I remember your voice, your smile, the feeling I get when you are here.
And once I again,
I catch myself smiling at the fantasy of ever being your first choi...
I keep going back to the same place even when i swear i would do things differently.
Why did you make me trust you?
Why did you say you would catch me?
3 years ago you left me hanging for her. I shared my deepest secret and you turned around and walked away. No note. No message. No phone call. I wasn't even worth an explanation. It hit me harder every time I came across the parc where we connected. For 3 years I tried to distract myself. But how can you distract yourself from something that is the reason of not being able to love deeply again.
Now, 3 years later and i get a phone call from you. I smile when i hear the voice that sounds like home even after 3 years. A week later I saw y...
You only look at me cause you can't go near her..
You kiss me because you hope to forget how her lips tastes like..
I guess I am a fool for ever thinking you would love me for me..
When I clearly know I'm only here because she isn't.
I look around me, i can't find a way to run. My feet just don't seem to move, my head gets all messed up and I can't send the right signal to my feet. 'Move, god damn it! Don't just stand there!' but all I do is scream. 'Don't touch me! Let me go'.
I even say it slowly with a grip on my shaking voice. ''Please just let me go. I don't want you to touch me.'' I look at the person who is holding me and I focus on the little wrinkles, the tiny eyes and the little smirk. 'You have to listen to me. If I say come with me, you do not have a choice.'''
I push the hands away who keep holding my hands in a firm grip. But everytime that I push them away they keep coming back to hold me even tighte...
We think through about the words we want to say
All because we despite making the common mistake
For months all I could think about were the times we chilled
Just because those are the moments that made the kill
I can hardly endure the pain you put me through
I was nothing but true to you.
Moments of happiness fills up my mind as I walk down the streets. Next to that grey lamppost I hugged a guy for the first time. Next to that huge tree I fell off my bike with a friend while laughing about it. In that beautuful parc i shared my fear of loneliness for the first time. On that train station my best friend and I acted like a couple who made fun of each other. So many memories, so many laughter and so many seconds of a carefree life.
I walk towards my back door, I open it with a firm grip and walk inside. I hear my siblings laughing about a joke. I walk up to them, ask about their day and make a few jokes myself. After a while i go upstairs saying
"I'm tired, I should go to bed"...
Just because you choose a person
Doesn't mean they are right for you
Just because you love a person
Doesn't mean they are the one for you
So much of what we feel for someone
Can be so one sided and yet we think
That if we give that person
More than they deserve
That somehow it will change
The way they feel about us
Written by R.H.Sin
I had to share this because it is something that people should realise about themselves.
Over the past few years I have learned a precious thing about myself. Everyone has a fear that they do not wish to say out loud. They bury it with so many other little fears, and so did I.
I recently admitted it to myself when i realised the root of my problem to fully love another and trust them with my heart. You know, most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in love. Sounds ridiculous right? That one day my childish stubborness you once enjoyed with a smile, becomes something you find annoying.
That my spontaneous trips and happy outbursts you once adored, only seems reckless and irresponsible. Every night when I used to lay on your lap, out of the blue , one night ...
Forbidden love - 3
We were finally here. All by ourselves. He sat right across of me. If i looked straight in front of me, I would see his mysterious eyes and his cheeky smile.
I sat on the bed with a sheet that covered my shivering body by hearing his voice. It felt like he caressed me with his eyes that slowly scanned me from my toes to my eyes.
When he looked at me, my heart started pounding. I could feel the rush and the adrenaline of being there with him. We spoke about many things and when his lips were moving, I was struggling to concentrate on the words that they were forming. I couldn't help myself but wonder about so many other things.
I opened up to him that night and he di...
Do you remember?
The first time you glanced at me? The first time you walked into the room and I didn't pay attention to you?
Do you remember the first word we exchanged? or your first joke that made me smile?
That smile turned into many more. Do you remember that night? Many years later.. That one night that made us show our vulnerable side? We talked for hours and moments that we couldn't fill up with words were taken over by the language spoken through our eyes.
Do you remember?
Because I do.
I think that you fall in love with every person you meet. Every time just a little bit. A piece of them always stays with you throughout the years. Even when you stop speaking to them.
It could be their silly laugh, the way they bite their lip or the way their eyes sparkles when they see something they love. It could be the way they made you feel or see things in life.
So over time, you collect people. Just like you collect memories of them. Maybe you don't even remember every single one of them, but that doesn't mean they haven't affected you in some way.
All these moments and feelings together, makes you the person you are today. One day when you look back, you can see that the way you...
'' Damn it, pick up the phone you bum '' - It was stupid of me to say that to a voicemail cause I know he never listened to those. But he was late for school. I left bunch of messages but nothing seemed to help. I couldn't stop worrying but I had to go to class. Even if high school was boring enough to fall asleep after days of sleep.
The door flew open - He stood there with a blanc face, just no expressions, wearing a white shirt covered with dirt, he didn't do his hair and he had bags under his eyes. I had never seen him like that before. Automatically he sat down next to me. He didn't look at me, not even when i said something to him. I asked him if everything was oka...
A story that I totally agree with.
There was once an old Cherokee (a member of an important tribe of North American Indians) who was teaching his grandson about life. ´There is a fight going on in my life´ he said to the little boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson t...
Who am I?
A question that always pops into my mind when I look myself in the mirror.
I feel my face and it feels like it´s not mine. I stand there;
seconds, minutes, hours.. and my skin still doesn´t feel like mine.
Then I realise, this isn´t me. This face doesn´t belong to me. I have been lying to myself about so many things that nothing feels real. Saying that I am okay even when I am not. Smiling even when I felt like crying.
All this time, I have pushed it away, even the little thoughts of being different, scared me to death. Many times I´ve asked myself;
´Why me? Why do I have to be like this? I can´t love her, Im not entitled to love her. I´m a girl, I can´t be differ...
We sat there, on the beach. A cold breeze and the silence surrounded us.
Every bone screamed to stand up and run away, just like I always have when it comes down to love.
´I am sorry, I know I am messed up. You deserve someone who isn´t scared to love you unconditionally.´
I was afraid to look at him and I didn´t want to hear him say that he was tired. Tired of making me see that Love isn´t only filled with pain and disapppointments. So I stood up and walked away.
Every step felt like I was drowning. But then he grabbed me. I turned around and looked at him. He was so imperfectly perfect.. what was wrong with me? Why couldn´t I just let his love consume me..
He gently placed his...
´Maybe it´s a good thing.
Cause Things are never how you imagine.
Having expectations only ever sets you up for disappointments´
The silence slowly surrounded her while she spoke out loud.
´´But I can´t help but wonder what lying in his arms would be like..´´
She whispers. She looked at the sky and said;
´I can´t help but imgaine being close enough to feel his breath on mine and his skin on my skin.´
She closed her eyes and felt the wind run it´s fingers through her hair and imagined he was beside her.
´He is going to commit murder, you know?´'She sighed and looked at the moon.
´He is going to commit murder and the worst part is,
He won´t even know it..´
I'm not looking to fall in love.
I'm not even necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now.
All I really want is to find a nice, good, trustworthy guy I can text late at night, joke around with and be stupid with. A guy I can be serious with but also laugh out loud with by making weird faces.
Someone who likes the same music as me, someone I can easily talk to, someone i can be my total self around and not mind at all. A guy u can waste my Friday nights with.
Someone who is not perfect but understands me. It sounds like a boy best friends and that's all I need right now
Thank you! I know I love this place my self. I get to learn so much everyday. I loved your latest letter on love.
What's your name, Pj?
Hope you are doing great. I read your enchanting letters they were worth reading .
Sense of hapinness hovers me as I read them . I liked especially the letter on True Love .Very realistic keep up your good work and Welcome to Letters as well .Take care.
Wishing you most and more .
A lesson learned throughout the years.
You should never regret the golden memories you made with the person you once loved like no other. You know why? Long time ago, you were sad or maybe even depressed. That person came into your life and she made you see so many things that made you smile again. The you who once wanted to give up on life, started singing under the shower again. The you who didn't want to wake up, got the courage to get out of bed anyway.
That person made you enjoy life again, you got to experience something only the two of you will remember. Isn't that magical?
And that's why I realized, how thankful I am to have been able to love that person even though I will n...
''And there we were, once again at the same place we started three years ago. The same words, the same fights.'' - I turned around as I took a deep breath like I was finally letting myself to accept what happend.
He stared at me, I saw him thinking and trying to put his thoughts into words. His lips were twisting to say something, but he kept changing his words. I guess he was afraid to hurt me, little did he know that damage was already done. Finally he had the courage to say something; ''How did you get so empty?''
I smirked, ''You know, when people leave, they take a part of you with them. So many have left and there's nothing left to take.'' - He came closer and touched my hand. ...
- CHAPTER THREE -
Even after months he called me New Girl, he knew my name was Maya but that didn't change anything. He did call me by my name when he wanted to make his point every time we had a discussion, and believe me when I say we had a lot of them. It usually starts in the morning when we see each other at school, sometimes we didn't even bother to say Hi. We just start arguing about something we disagreed on each other.
'Listen Maya, i know what i saw! That movie was so pathetic''
I couldn't believe my ears. I almost screamed through the hallway; 'What?! Ajay you are seriously nuts! How could you even say that. That movie was an epic love story! The way Channing Tatum fought f...
- CHAPTER TWO -
"Oh my god, you are such a lazy ass! I don't understand how I ever became friends with you!" I said that through the phone while i was trying to keep my laughter inside. He was such an idiot sometimes that i couldn't take him serious at all. He was late. Again. This happened every Sunday morning. He would go home late at a Saturday night, call me half drunk and talk about how many girls he had danced with then he would fall asleep not knowing he was still on the phone. The next morning he would be late for church.
I was never a big fan of the church, something never felt right about it. I did meet Ajay at the church. Yes I know this sounds so cliche.
We were 12 years...
Look at me Ajay; I said.. but he couldn't look at me for more than a second. The thought of him not loving me, crushed me inside.. This couldn't be happening to us.
'I want you to understand that we can't be together, not the way you want us to be..' he said.. But ''WHY!'' I yelled at him, i feel terrible for yelling at him but what makes me feel more terrible is this exact moment.
'Even if I would explain why, you wouldn't understand,' he said and walked away.
As i looked myself in the mirror, i saw black stripes on my cheeks of crying.
I fixed my make up and left the room. Back inside i sat down in the second row next to all his family and other friends. This chur...
My biggest fear.
I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons as they fell in it.
That one day my endearing stubbornness you once enjoyed, becomes something you find annoying. One day my spontaneous actions become reckless and irresponsible . That when I lay on your lap, it is not adorable but just another distraction in your busy life. I will always be afraid of sweet talks all day long, turn into fights and useless arguments.
I am afraid that one day when you walk down the street and see a girl that makes you smile like I once did. At that moment you won't even think of all the reasons why you fell in love with me once, maybe I won't even cross your mind.
So no, my...
"Nothing lasts," She says, and I heard a little crack in her voice.
"You think it's going to."
You think, 'Here's something I can hold on to..'
"But it always slips away. Before you can even notice."
- Something I will never understand
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
I just want to be
pretty, skinny & tall.
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
What if i change my hair?
Maybe someone will start to care.
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
What if I starve myself?
At least, I'll be beautiful.. forget about my health.
Mirror Mirror on the wall,
What if I cut my wrist?
Will I feel like I exist?
My dear mirror on the wall..
Don't you see?
What you show, is killing me.