Broken and battered and beaten
Feeling the world is against you
But they don’t know
The ace up your slave

The hope inside
Shines like a light
Burning bright
You’re gonna make it

The words come fast
You shrug them off each time
Because they aren’t the truth
About you

The fake ones come for awhile and go
The real ones stay
Through the thick and thin
Through the thick and thin

The hope inside
Shines like a light
Burning bright
You’re gonna make it

Dear you,

Thank you for letting me go.
For allowing me to discover who I am.
And learn things I did not know

That I have been able to grow
And decide what I want to do
And where I want to go

Thank you for letting me go.
From unknown expectations
And difficulties in communication.

And thank you, for pushing me away
So that I could move on
Finally.

Thank you,

Each day that goes by
Is another day closer
To leaving this town
And finally getting out.
Away from the places
The people, the memories
That are associated with these places.
Another day closer
To leaving the past
Where it belongs
And finally getting rid
Of the thoughts
That plague my mind
From day to day.

Home is not a place you go, it’s a love you receive.

In the absence of words, actions scream.

A day goes by
A week
And nothing seems to be changing
But looking far back
Everything is different

-r.

The lonely are the kindest, the sad smile brightest, the damaged have the most wisdom, for they do not wish what they have endured on another soul.

-r.

I thought our friendship was fine
I didn’t think any wrong of it at all
But I guess there was something I missed, because it wasn’t that way to you.

I’m not sure I agree with the choice, but you didn’t leave me any room to say, but I feel like you’re doing what is easier for you, but I don’t know you, haven’t known you, so I can’t say.

Some things just aren’t meant to be.
There’s greater things ahead for me.
So now we part ways and to you I say
“Take care.”

“We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s OK, that’s good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.”

-The Doctor

Confusion runs awry.
Yet confidence, in my mind.

I still remember that day, as clear as can be. My friends and I were standing in the band hall when a director brought you in and introduced us to you since we were student leaders. I remember standing there thinking, “She’s cute, I have no idea how to talk to her, I’ll let Lizzie handle the social part.”

That week of music camp came, and as the week progressed, I couldn’t take my eyes off the beauty before me. There was an air about her that struck me just so, but I told myself “No, don’t date someone in the section again, that’s a bad idea.”

And that summer I spent some weeks with another girl that amounted to nothing, just before August camp began. And I was down and under.

But when Aug...

I know not what to do
Or what to think
Or how to go about
All these thoughts in my head

I know what I feel
I know what I desire
All this love for her and at the same time
All this self regret and shame for myself

It was good to sit and cry
In the shower
Water mixing with tears
Which streamed down my face

The walls I built so strong
To hold back all I feel
Finally succumbing
To the emotions
And the feelings
And the memories
Pounding and beating on the wall

She’s the only one who gets me
That I’m vulnerable with
That listens, and truly listens
At least to me

I hold on to the hope
Deep down in my heart
And all my faith and love for her
For I believe and wait

For that is all I can do
Can’t ...

Seasons

I have been wanting to write so bad, but the fear of hurt was stopping me. Hurting someone I care so much about. And I couldn’t, wouldn’t do that again.

Everything I’ve been wanting to write, and think about, has all been about her. Every line of poetry in my head, every stanza, every rough draft, revision and edit, but none of them written down.

I still have dreams of her and I when I sleep, sometimes on a new adventure, sometimes doing something old, but I’m always happy in those dreams. I never stopped having dreams of her and I.

Books, TV shows, movies, music
It all brings emotions back to the surface again.
Ones that I try to hide with a mask yet again, but cannot, for they b...

My second to last lettr will be on here; my last lettr will not be published and only exists in one form. For good.

I still love you. I’m sorry.

My heart and mind are at war.

My mind is telling me lies planted by the enemy.
Terrible, terrible lies race through my mind, tearing me to pieces.
But I know it's an assault, an attempt to tear down the stronghold that God is building.
But yet, in a way, they're doing their job. Casting doubt and fear into me, pushing me to tears, keeping me from sleep, throwing me into a spiraling descent.

But my heart knows what's true. I have nothing to worry about with us. What we have really is love, and I do not have to fear losing you. God has the truth in my heart. I know she is faithful and I do not have to worry, as I trust her with my life. Knowing these things and praying brings me peace. It fen...

I sit here and I reflect.
I sit here and I continue to pray; at this point I've lost count.
I sit here and I hope.
I do these because I want to be better to you. I can't take back what I said or what I did. But I want to make things right. I want to fix us.

And suddenly like that, everything we built together is gone.
I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I had been better for you. I wish I could go back and do you right. I wish I could go back and right all the wrongs. I don’t want you to disappear from my life. I still want to remain friends. I still want to talk with you and see you without it being weird or awkward.
We built a great relationship. Please don’t fade away. I still care for you.

Poorly Wired

I wish I could understand the wiring inside my head. If I could just open myself up and fix myself, I would. Untangle all the knots, straighten all the kinks, fix all the frayed ends and misdirected strands. I would get rid of my days and moments of low, and replace them all with the happiest of joys. I’d remove all the doubt and the worrisome thoughts, replacing them with endless confidence and pleasure in the simplicities of life.

If I could remove all the fears from my head, I’d do it in a heart beat. Then I’d never have anything to fear again, never have a reason to worry or be afraid.

But then I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t be human. I’d be a shell of my former self. Wi...

I haven’t moved on.
You haven’t moved on.
We’re both stuck, or we wouldn’t care what the other has to say.
What are we doing still playing these games?

It’s only been 4 hours.
But it feels like it happened 4 minutes ago.
It feels like we date for 4 years.

Dreams

You looked at me from across the table and smiled.
I smiled back.
“Do I have my girl back?” I asked.
You smiled and I saw that same twinkle in your eye the first time I asked you out and you said “Yes.”

Then I woke up, and I cried.

I started as a seed in your hands, full of promise and potential. I grew in your arms, rooting myself in you, dependent on you for my emotional and spiritual nourishment.

Like a virus, I let you consume me. I let your presence take over my thoughts and drive to do what I do. I let it control my emotions and my feelings.

Like a snake, my doubts and struggles choked the life and joy out of me until there was nothing left but despair and worry of how I was going to get out of the snake’s grasp.

I let you in the darkest corners of my heart, where nobody had gone before. God worked to let you in to turn the lights on for Him so He could break the chains and make that space in my heart habitabl...

Without you in my heart, I’ve gotten to know God more. He brings joy, hope, and happiness into my life. He has brought me comfort through all this pain and turmoil the last two weeks.

You said I was dependent, and I didn’t listen. Without you, I’ve grown more independent and care for myself. I’m working on me now. Making choices for me.

With you, I felt a second love and compassion. I felt good about myself and my looks for the first time in forever. You gave me confidence.

With you, I learned new things. You pushed my boundaries and tested my limits. You pushed me out of my shell and gave me many memories.

Without you, I’ve learned how to live for myself.
With you, I want a second chanc...

RE

RE.
Two letters.
A consonant and a vowel.
Two letters, when put together, are so powerful, bringing dead things back to life.
A new school revival so moving and powerful.
Each person with their own hope and expectations, desiring something different.
All of us needing peace.
My hope for RE,
is for her and I to be REignited.

My best quality is also my downfall:
I love hard.

As I write, I sit here thinking of all these things I want to ask you, but I can’t yet.

Like how are you doing?
Are you okay?
How’s your day been?
What’s going on?
What are you doing today?

But I can’t yet, and it hurts, so I’ll store these questions in the back of my mind, or perhaps on a little notepad, put them on my desk next to my bed with Rose, and ask them myself every night before I go to bed.

I hate this right now.

My heart is ablaze with words and emotions, that’s why I’m writing so much tonight. There’s so much conflict in my heart.

Hate. Anger. Malevolence. Rage. Turmoil.

Regretful. Sad. Hopeful. Sorrowful. Sorry.

Maybe it’s the alcohol.
Maybe it’s the place you still somehow hold in my heart.

I’m not sure which one it is, but based on the way I’ve felt the last three months, I’d say it’s the latter.

My mind doesn’t want to admit it, but my heart does...
I miss us.

You were the best thing to happen to me. My mind wants to shut the gate, but my heart won’t lock it.

So maybe there’s still hope. The real questions are:
When?
Who goes first?

It’s scary what we are capable of when we’re pushed to our limits.
It’s like you become somebody else.