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Riley N.

PO# 616067
United States
United States
Former writer still in love.
July 13, 2018
 

I still remember that day, as clear as can be. My friends and I were standing in the band hall when a director brought you in and introduced us to you since we were student leaders. I remember standing there thinking, “She’s cute, I have no idea how to talk to her, I’ll let Lizzie handle the social part.”

That week of music camp came, and as the week progressed, I couldn’t take my eyes off the beauty before me. There was an air about her that struck me just so, but I told myself “No, don’t date someone in the section again, that’s a bad idea.”

And that summer I spent some weeks with another girl that amounted to nothing, just before August camp began. And I was down and under.

But when Aug...

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July 2, 2018
 

I know not what to do
Or what to think
Or how to go about
All these thoughts in my head

I know what I feel
I know what I desire
All this love for her and at the same time
All this self regret and shame for myself

It was good to sit and cry
In the shower
Water mixing with tears
Which streamed down my face

The walls I built so strong
To hold back all I feel
Finally succumbing
To the emotions
And the feelings
And the memories
Pounding and beating on the wall

She’s the only one who gets me
That I’m vulnerable with
That listens, and truly listens
At least to me

I hold on to the hope
Deep down in my heart
And all my faith and love for her
For I believe and wait

For that is all I can do
Can’t ...

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June 12, 2018
 

Seasons

I have been wanting to write so bad, but the fear of hurt was stopping me. Hurting someone I care so much about. And I couldn’t, wouldn’t do that again.

Everything I’ve been wanting to write, and think about, has all been about her. Every line of poetry in my head, every stanza, every rough draft, revision and edit, but none of them written down.

I still have dreams of her and I when I sleep, sometimes on a new adventure, sometimes doing something old, but I’m always happy in those dreams. I never stopped having dreams of her and I.

Books, TV shows, movies, music
It all brings emotions back to the surface again.
Ones that I try to hide with a mask yet again, but cannot, for they b...

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April 12, 2018
 

My second to last lettr will be on here; my last lettr will not be published and only exists in one form. For good.

I still love you. I’m sorry.

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July 18, 2017
 

My heart and mind are at war.

My mind is telling me lies planted by the enemy.
Terrible, terrible lies race through my mind, tearing me to pieces.
But I know it's an assault, an attempt to tear down the stronghold that God is building.
But yet, in a way, they're doing their job. Casting doubt and fear into me, pushing me to tears, keeping me from sleep, throwing me into a spiraling descent.

But my heart knows what's true. I have nothing to worry about with us. What we have really is love, and I do not have to fear losing you. God has the truth in my heart. I know she is faithful and I do not have to worry, as I trust her with my life. Knowing these things and praying brings me peace. It fen...

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September 18, 2017
 

I sit here and I reflect.
I sit here and I continue to pray; at this point I've lost count.
I sit here and I hope.
I do these because I want to be better to you. I can't take back what I said or what I did. But I want to make things right. I want to fix us.

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January 4, 2018
 

And suddenly like that, everything we built together is gone.
I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I had been better for you. I wish I could go back and do you right. I wish I could go back and right all the wrongs. I don’t want you to disappear from my life. I still want to remain friends. I still want to talk with you and see you without it being weird or awkward.
We built a great relationship. Please don’t fade away. I still care for you.

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January 3, 2018
 

Poorly Wired

I wish I could understand the wiring inside my head. If I could just open myself up and fix myself, I would. Untangle all the knots, straighten all the kinks, fix all the frayed ends and misdirected strands. I would get rid of my days and moments of low, and replace them all with the happiest of joys. I’d remove all the doubt and the worrisome thoughts, replacing them with endless confidence and pleasure in the simplicities of life.

If I could remove all the fears from my head, I’d do it in a heart beat. Then I’d never have anything to fear again, never have a reason to worry or be afraid.

But then I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t be human. I’d be a shell of my former self. Wi...

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March 4, 2018
 

I haven’t moved on.
You haven’t moved on.
We’re both stuck, or we wouldn’t care what the other has to say.
What are we doing still playing these games?

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January 4, 2018
 

It’s only been 4 hours.
But it feels like it happened 4 minutes ago.
It feels like we date for 4 years.

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ORIGINAL
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January 7, 2018
 

Dreams

You looked at me from across the table and smiled.
I smiled back.
“Do I have my girl back?” I asked.
You smiled and I saw that same twinkle in your eye the first time I asked you out and you said “Yes.”

Then I woke up, and I cried.

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January 15, 2018
 

I started as a seed in your hands, full of promise and potential. I grew in your arms, rooting myself in you, dependent on you for my emotional and spiritual nourishment.

Like a virus, I let you consume me. I let your presence take over my thoughts and drive to do what I do. I let it control my emotions and my feelings.

Like a snake, my doubts and struggles choked the life and joy out of me until there was nothing left but despair and worry of how I was going to get out of the snake’s grasp.

I let you in the darkest corners of my heart, where nobody had gone before. God worked to let you in to turn the lights on for Him so He could break the chains and make that space in my heart habitabl...

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January 16, 2018
 

Without you in my heart, I’ve gotten to know God more. He brings joy, hope, and happiness into my life. He has brought me comfort through all this pain and turmoil the last two weeks.

You said I was dependent, and I didn’t listen. Without you, I’ve grown more independent and care for myself. I’m working on me now. Making choices for me.

With you, I felt a second love and compassion. I felt good about myself and my looks for the first time in forever. You gave me confidence.

With you, I learned new things. You pushed my boundaries and tested my limits. You pushed me out of my shell and gave me many memories.

Without you, I’ve learned how to live for myself.
With you, I want a second chanc...

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February 2, 2018
 

RE

RE.
Two letters.
A consonant and a vowel.
Two letters, when put together, are so powerful, bringing dead things back to life.
A new school revival so moving and powerful.
Each person with their own hope and expectations, desiring something different.
All of us needing peace.
My hope for RE,
is for her and I to be REignited.

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January 4, 2018
 

My best quality is also my downfall:
I love hard.

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January 6, 2018
 

As I write, I sit here thinking of all these things I want to ask you, but I can’t yet.

Like how are you doing?
Are you okay?
How’s your day been?
What’s going on?
What are you doing today?

But I can’t yet, and it hurts, so I’ll store these questions in the back of my mind, or perhaps on a little notepad, put them on my desk next to my bed with Rose, and ask them myself every night before I go to bed.

I hate this right now.

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A NEW DAY
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April 12, 2018
 

My heart is ablaze with words and emotions, that’s why I’m writing so much tonight. There’s so much conflict in my heart.

Hate. Anger. Malevolence. Rage. Turmoil.

Regretful. Sad. Hopeful. Sorrowful. Sorry.

Maybe it’s the alcohol.
Maybe it’s the place you still somehow hold in my heart.

I’m not sure which one it is, but based on the way I’ve felt the last three months, I’d say it’s the latter.

My mind doesn’t want to admit it, but my heart does...
I miss us.

You were the best thing to happen to me. My mind wants to shut the gate, but my heart won’t lock it.

So maybe there’s still hope. The real questions are:
When?
Who goes first?

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April 12, 2018
 

It’s scary what we are capable of when we’re pushed to our limits.
It’s like you become somebody else.

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April 4, 2018
 

SKYLARK CHALLENGE 133

At the very top of the oceans
Are explosions of light
Illuminating the sea life
For all up top to see

The light shines into the water
Creating dazzling sparkles
That dance along the surface
Empowered by the harmonies created by the sun and water

But the deeper one goes into the unknown
The light begins to vanish
Until there is nothing left
But the comfort of the darkness

In such extreme depths and temperatures
Unsure of what dwells so deep
We cannot fathom
That we ourselves are just like the ocean.

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April 3, 2018
 

Nothing but the feathers on his back, he took a shot at flying.

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March 20, 2018
 

Even the smallest pebble in the biggest ocean still makes an impact and creates ripples.

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March 15, 2018
 

Some of the deepest scars we may have are not from what others do unto us, but what is spoken over us and said to us by others.

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February 1, 2018
 

Animal

This prompt really challenged me to think about myself lately and what I’d relate most to.
My spirit animal, after much thought, would have to be a wolf.
I am perfectly capable of surviving on my own. I can fend and provide for myself, and am content with being alone.
On the flip side, if I’m a part of a pack, the people in my pack are my people. I’ll do anything to protect them and make sure they’re okay.
If I know you very personally and like you as a person, or love you more than just a person, I’m loyal for life and unwavering in my loyalty

🐺

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February 15, 2018
 

Saint Evelyn

She looked so beautiful.
Finally at peace, no longer physically suffering.
Leaving this world behind, having ascended into heaven.

The strength of her faith could move mountains.
The love of her heart could heal the hurting.
She had a care and compassion above all else.
And gave selflessly for others to flourish.

I know she’s watching now from up above.
And now I can pray to her, Saint Evelyn.
Even though it hurts and I don’t understand,
I know she is better now.

I love you Grandma, and I miss you.
Spread those angel wings and fly.
You sit in Heaven with God,
Saint Evelyn.

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GIVING
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February 3, 2018
 

I haven’t had this feeling for some time.
The butterflies in my chest.
My heart wrenching, tossing and turning at every thought of her.
Not out of sorrow, hurt or regret...
But out of care, happiness, and love for her.
Something has reawakened inside of me.
I get happy again, thinking of her.
I smile at the thought of all she’s doing.
I’m proud of where she’s going.
I’m glad for who she is.

I don’t plan on trying to date someone else any time soon.
I still have hope for her and I. I still have faith in her.
I’m waiting for her.

I love her.

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THE BEST THING
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January 11, 2018
 

It’s so hard to not reach out
Send a letter
Start snapchatting
See you at work
Stop by your house

I respect your request for time apart
And in this time, I believe I’ve changed
It’s allowed to me reflect on myself.

No more dependency.
No more anxiety.
No more doubts.
No more lies.

My faith has grown stronger.
My love has grown bigger.
My trust has increased tenfold.

I’ve prayed for you every night, and will continue to do so.
I was not then the man you deserved.
But I hope and pray for a second chance; I haven’t lost my faith in us.

LOVE IS GOLDEN
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January 9, 2018
 

You know I want you
It’s not a secret I try to hide
I want a second chance
To do you right.

I’ve realized all the wrong I did
All the unnecessary stress
All the unwarranted worries
All the expectations.

I never should have expected the same love back that I give to you.
Or gifts.
Or anything.
I never will expect the same in return again.

But I will always give you the love you deserve.
I still love you and will always love you.
I’m waiting for you.

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GIVING
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January 7, 2018
 

Reflection

All the anxiety,
All the worry,
All the doubt,
When really I had nothing to worry about.

Your smile,
Your intelligence,
Your love,
Your eyes.

When there was frustration,
When there was sadness,
When there was happiness,
I loved them all the same.

Never did I think I was settling,
Never did I once want anything more,
I would trade my world for you,
And I still would too.

My feelings won’t be locked away,
They’re a part of who I am.
They won’t hide, or cower, or falter,
Because I still love you so.

All the conversations I’ve had,
With friends, parents, and coworkers,
I’ve come to realize I relied on actions more than words
To know you loved me too.

And so I deeply regret all t...

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