I never truly knew
Nor will I ever
And I’ll never truly understand
I could stomach most of it
The little bits here and there of the story
You and your sister’s story
But when it came to how it all started
That one first step
I got up and made a beeline for the bathroom
Taking the first available stall and as soon
as that door shut
the gates broke open.
I cried and I cried.
I cried, heaving, on the verge of throwing up,
sickened to my very core, my soul, by the thought of it
The first act that such a vile and despicable man took,
inflicted upon his own daughter
My heart cried for you,
wishing it had never happened,
wishing that it could all be over,
but I know as long as he exists,...
When you feel down
or sad, stressed
or anxious or annoyed,
I’m always going to have your back and find something
stupid to say or do to make you laugh.
She has my constant love and support, through thick and thin,
when she needs it most like now or when she needs it least like on a lazy, rainy day.
It’s so hard to leave you at night,
I wish I could stay
and hold you tight through it all.
We’re both waiting for the day we get to say “I do” and finally
we get to come home
to each other
Self-change isn’t easy,
being hyper aware of your flaws
and trying to fix them
and the blind spots
It doesn’t just happen
My love for you cannot be put into words,
not by way of speech,
or properly captured by ink on paper.
I know not how to put it words
but rather actions,
in all the things, big and little,
I do and would do for you.
I try my hardest not to be judgmental because I know
that I can be a basket case,
have dumb thoughts, and at times
can be a handful,
and have an attitude.
That doesn’t change the one, simple truth: I love you.
I love you and one day,
wish to be holding you,
dancing in the kitchen,
in the moonlight shining through the window,
illuminating us as we forget everything else around us.
I do not regret any of
I have made.
They all have led me
to the one
I am meant to be with.
You appeared in my life
twinkling like a star
far off in the distance
while being so near,
shining through the pale bleak night sky
slicing through it like butter
and focusing on
The first time we met
was at that tiny coffee shop just
one street off from that same university
that I used to attend.
I remember it clear as day
and looking back
it feels like a scene pulled
straight from a love movie.
I walked up to the door, hesitant,
anxious of what I would do
if I didn't spot you right away,
but I shoved that down and pulled at the door,
stepping into the warm coffee-filled air.
The lighting was soft and yellow, yet bright enough
to see everyone so clear, ...
I lay myself at her feet
Stripping myself of the facade that I wear and revealing my past
the shame, the guilt,
the loneliness, the bad, ugly
person I once was
but no longer am.
She lay with me,
staring up at me as I told her my story
from as far back as I can remember
Vulnerable I lay,
her head and one hand on my chest
the other wrapping around me
like she was never letting go.
She watched me with great intent
as I told my story,
struggling through it at some moments,
crying again about the first time I truly felt the presence of God,
I told her things I never told anyone before, not even relationships past
and never at all,
did I feel an ounce of judgement,
He hugged her close, ready to start their next adventures in life together.
A year ago today I was devastated
as many are when
the end of a relationship comes.
And all that comes with it like
the returning of clothes
removal of pictures
and the pain and abandonment
of old spots around town.
And now today, I’m thriving,
being accepted to my dream university,
surrounded by great friends and company,
and in a strong, new relationship,
with an amazing girl who is sweet,
funny and ambitious,
strong, independent, and fierce,
caring, beautiful, and understanding.
A lot can happen in a year.
Never give up.
Since Saturday I’ve been filled with glee
Knowing that finally I will be free.
Out of this town and to a new place
With a little bit of my own space.
A roof, a door, and four white walls
That will help me stand tall, so I do not fall.
I’ll meet new people, new places, new friends
But that doesn’t mean what is current will end.
I’ll escape this small town and what it holds of my past
In pursuit of something to last.
A new year, a new person, a new school, a new home
In many ways, a new life in a new place in which I will roam.
I knew how dangerous it could have been.
I went and loved you anyways.
It turned out that I was a rebound and eventually, I would pay the price.
And I did.
She’s an enigma to me
And I to her
Happening so suddenly.
The first date, coffee
Simply, yet filling
Just enough to see.
The second, dinner and lights
More revealing and captivating
A long, wonderful, colorful night.
The last didn’t treat her right
She gave all, her gave none
What a saddening sight.
We value the same things
After our pasts of heartbreak
It could be promising.
She won’t keep me here
Though she knows my plans
And for that I’m revered
We’ll see where things go
It’s all in God’s time
And things will go slow.
It’s been so long
that I forgot the feeling
of what it’s like to blush-
to be caught off guard and
for a split second
but so happy.
It’s truly a feel good feeling.
The change of season has brought over the turning of new leaves that have come with newfound freedom.
To perhaps tell a short story.
Or express my feelings.
A short poem about love,
Or one about heartbreak.
To put thought on to paper,
With the ability to look back and reflect,
At how far I’ve come and where I have yet to go.
To captivate others and have them feel what I feel.
To peak their interests or bring up an old memory that they can connect with.
To forge a connection with readers.
And most importantly for me,
to be truthful with myself,
and the rest of the world.
The brain can be tricked and easily deceived.
The heart, however, cannot.
This year, I am grateful for the biggest learning experience of my life and the massive change it brings me, and the freedom to escape this small town.
Hidden no more,
It’s all out there to be seen.
Every glimpse of hope,
Every internal struggle,
Every doubt and fear.
I hide them no more
They do not control me.
I control them.
Letter by letter I continue to be removed, as though I never existed, never meant anything, as though I was and am nothing. Though that’s what happens to those who don’t mean anything, they are slowly removed and cut out bit by bit. It doesn’t hurt anymore, but rather it’s interesting to watch it happen. I guess for some it’s easier to hide it all away than to think of it at all.
I know not what to do
Or what to think
Or how to go about this
All these thoughts in my brain
I know what I feel
I know what I desire
All this love and at the same time, all this self regret and shame
She’s the only one who gets me
That I’m vulnerable with
That listens and truly listens
At least to me
I hold on to the hope
Deep down in my heart
And all the faith to there
For I still believe and wait...
I’ve been knocked down a few pegs, so that I have to relearn her for some of the ways she has changed, I know not how.
It doesn’t stop me though from caring still, but perhaps I am too hopeless. I understand why things are now and how they must be, no matter how much it kills me inside. None of it changes how I feel and the fact that I will wait, and just that I’ll do.
If I could for one day
I would hide away from my emotions
And silence their commotion.
Some days are easier than others
But more often than not lately
I have been angry instead of happy
While not knowing why.
The feelings of happiness and anger, joy and sorrow, acceptance and loneliness. Love.
In this battle with my emotions,
The winner takes it all
And the loser had to fall.
It’s simple and it’s plain.
So maybe if I hide away
I don’t have to fall.
And to think
That I had changed.
What’s the name of the game?
It’s not impossible.
Lights will guide me home
And I will try to fix me.
I know not how to express myself coherently anymore.
The thoughts run rampant in my head in fragments, each describing a part of me, but nothing describing me as a whole. Nothing I can put a concrete description to, just fragments.
It’s like trying to assemble a puzzle made of a thousand different pieces of the same color and trying to see what pieces go together.
There are so many things I want to say, but I know not how to say them.
Nor do I know if I can say them.
“[...] everything is different”
Day by day
Night by night
Nothing seems to change
Another day of work
Another day of classes
Repeating the same schedule
Week after week
Perhaps feeling as though
Stagnant like a rock
Unmoving and resting
But if you take a look
At the year as a whole
Take a look back
And be marveled by
How everything is different.
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Death can make you hard, hard, hard
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
Everything was perfect.
We were getting along great.
She had so much fun on the first date and wanted a second.
We spent so much time together after that, and made countless memories, the time just flying by. Endless days and sleepless nights were filled with laughter, happiness, joy and feelings of love.
There was a radiant energy between the two of us, something that I had not felt for a long time.
I never wanted it to end, I finally felt true happiness and love again, and I felt as though I was floating on cloud nine with all these feelings.
And then, just like that, I was awake for a split second before my alarm pierced the air around me. I sluggishly grabbed my phone and turned it off, t...