|Mijn liefde, mijn leven is woorden en familie. Twitter: @MandiBen IG: roodbennett My life is words.|
Heroes are hard to come by in my mind. I grew up without care of who or what was there. I knew the worst of humanity; the kind to defile, to bruise, or spew on point to make one afraid to this modern day! Amongst one of my earliest teachers I remember; I was pushed from the green machine (play equipment) by other students. I was not aware but it seems I was not awake for almost ten minutes and gawd the pijn. I had only been back to the USA for a year and half, I looked at these aliens as if buffoons. It never occurred to me; I was the alien because to me everyone spoke two or maybe three languages. I found the idea I could only speak English the most stupid of all.
Return to my fall and I ...
It's almost 14/08/2017...
Mij brother was born this day. He had so much hair that the nurses curled it; mij mum hated that. 😂
He was born with dark brown hair. I was born with blonde- slightly stawberry color. We both have blue eyes; his are our Mum's dark blue and deep set. Mijn are green-blue and a tad big. Min brother has a square jaw and I have a more oval face. Jay is very tall, 195 cm...I am 177 cm.
Growing up Jay was so many things; a brother, a playmate, a protector, en a fellow writer. We wrote to get out our fears; we wrote because we could control those characters and plots. Jay took some beatings for mij. Growing up, he really was my hero and world. We drifted apart when he m...
It is with great sadness and pain,
but I am done with this "in vain"
Blindness is a choice and to rejoice is the ultimate prize. Family in guise of friend not foe;
there is no compromise! Their agenda has always been, destroy mij good within. I leave it and them behind as I emerge to cleave to my quest to retrieve the dignity stolen that I allowed to be ripped from mij.
Having touched that shattered tome
I have returned to resembled norm.
forever humbled in my self
to further seek is only weak.
Self reflect to circumspect
Flowing out is forever doubt
Secret solace to seal back
decrepit emotion that erode
Potent shields firmly held.
No more gushing or weeping to yield.
Your voice has become my passion and your love a part of my reason. I get lost in your eyes, thinking it is all a fairytale, and remember when you kiss me that this is all real. You are in all my thoughts and all my dreams, you change the way my life seems. When we are together I'm happy and guided through, I am all the better because of you. This life and this love is what strengthens me anew, my heart…my soul…I love you.
I had my 3rd or 4th CT scan of the year, this time my abdomen. I kept telling them I only had concern considering blood was coming from a place that in mij; it shouldn't. I also love when the doctors know more but hold off telling you. Well I think it's sadistic. I am also preparing myself for news that cancer is back. The rest I don't give a damn except my family; not officially but the way doktors act, hook me up to chemo now.
I live in a Euthanasia country; I will go peacefully but on my terms IF the C word gets flung around.
I have had to digest the response of someone I assumed I loved. Finest points of "how one loves" was wrong from her POV. She compared my desire for unconditional love to an abusive partner who cheats upon her, but still "loves" her,
HER WORDS: "I'm asking a lot out of you, emotionally, financially and I lie to you way too much, but I can't show you how much I care about you on many levels for personal reasons, and you give up on our relationship ? You definitely never truly loved me, because when one loves unconditionally, they never give up...”
Letting go of my hateful adopted father's homophobic tendencies has been harder than I thought; telling him that I liked women as well as my men...
what to believe in
falling to shards
Discards the shame
throw off blame.
Meten van Tijd
One of life's sharpest paradoxes is that our brightest future hinges on our ability to pay attention to what we're doing right now, today. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth to remember.
Your character is far more important than your past or your future; its who you are that matters, not what you've done. Stop living in the past. The only thing we should do about what happened yesterday is to learn from it. Yesterday, good or bad, is history. Tomorrow is a dream, a hope, a passion. Don't let history destroy your dreams...
From a moment in time
and a simple touch
from that begins
a dizzy spin into
of a highest peak.
Reaching for together
a crescendo of bliss,
closing in as one,
as the conflagration dawns
bathed in a glow,
nothing else exists
as temptation seeks,
the worship and
words too meek,
only consummate passion
as two do one reach.
This loss of self, all I have is to look back
to remember a moment and a kiss
the second of letting go tore me to bits.
Little things that keep me going
promises of togetherness
of love to ever last that allow me
to gather my soul from a tattered mess.
Slowly creeping as days do pass
to have the ultimate bliss,
My heart, my soul, and to be whole.
It's such an easy thing,
find a number or find a name!
Troll this boy or girl too much and others say; suck it up!
Roll with the "punches" as they mount;
The clothes are wrong and hair too long!
Lest we forget our dialect stinks; that is a reason to give innocence your self as creep!!
As time wears on and words sears flesh, in the form of knife to skin.
Nevermind the rats that have been constant brats within and around both class and web.
Their only purpose is to make the difference in Saints and different culture seem a catastrophe.
The cataclismic events are that majority of these ignorants have never left their provence; let alone the safety of xenophobia...
Did You Know?
As slumber deep I know it keeps how always done as you have done. Wicked delight with purity and almost light. Wonderment and awe at the how and the why. Have I truly earned this in your eyes? Words you say and I believe it true for those few minutes but then reality crashes against my door. I wish to ask but grow too weary truly, I grow too leery. You did not ask and I did not intend So why do I wish to see this end? Did you know and with my soul I would protect every bit that is you to my detriment. Still I seek and need the shelter in you where I can be free; without this and your self, I foresee an absolute eternity in a self imposed hell.
To have such fear
if truth was told
to shatter hold
it would no more.
To tremble dear
no clue to know
as with certainty
Continue to and
The bittersweet and sad has but faded into the past. Tears no longer fall but there is still a lingering doubt and lingering pain. Funniest parts that we all are "play" are automatans in this cabaret that is life. Some parts fickle; some parts fancy, and other parts made for the egotistical, that rant and rave they are the way. How dare we plebes mourn a Caeser indeed!!!
That which I want I shall achieve, if only to dream to see. Never shall I take a negative in response, but step up my advance to make the unreal into actuality.
I have written before and I'll say again and again; I am not not a THING, which makes me a plus. I am not your toy you drag out when in need and in doubt. So sorry the idea of skin makes me want to vomit again! You have no care, you have you technical bubble...which protects you from a daily struggle.
A Farewell and Another Day
This is one topic I cannot seem to turn away from. Mij take on it may infuriate but the point is not really about us... those suffering in plain sight are really who need understanding and compassion; never anger and condemnation.
When the great Robin Williams died; I was blown away. My heart told me there was some thing major; we the masses did not know. Then all the judgements began and bile filled mouth. If you have never suffered in ways that most people could only think of as a horror movie.
We do not know the whats and whys of Chester's demise. His songs he helped to write give us a clearer picture of pijn and true suffering endured by this talented man....
Where does love stand? Where is it supposed to fit and by who's definition do you go; take a left you know is disaster or court right that is safe but there is no passion. Fear leads around by the neck, often as not, strangles from memories that terrifies and "corrects". Change is too slow for those who have known the glow of freedom of the sun. Asked again but this way; what does it mean to love mij anyway? According to those whom broke, because of my past that is who I've become. Love to me, means never giving up...and never quitting. Stupid mij, look at mij! I have yet to learn something.
Hours upon hours I would lay and feel; I have done akin to Satan's will. Oh did it matter that I thought I was betrayed? Yes it bothered me because two precious ones were in the way. I walked around the next few years knowing what a monster I was. No, no, no, and no some was what some what adamant for. I looked at myself in a mirror. There was you beside me; just with saddened tears.
I swore to move on to get better; not be the detriment I had come to be. The point I had not realized is that I am alone in my dance of
''romance", my partner has to have some responsibility, right? but this Before it was easy and I was hung out to dry, so why change what is easy even if the tasks were not ...
To Not or Know
We all have those moments of dejavu.
Would we want this feeling; again and again?
For some it would be a power trip to thee; they could explain what happens your very next days!
I choose to be ignorance is bliss.
I've had to make too many educated "mistakes".
If I had had the choice about his life is interwined to mine,
I may have peaked just to seek an answer for my continued spells of Stage 3.
How much I long to say; ik ben zwanger!
Desperate to see tears unshed, but the words I have dreamt with.
A meisje of zon, it does not matter.
A glimpse of this would leave my heart overwhelmed,
Our sons would be beyond thrilled.
If this could be a future, I surely would sneak that p...
Trust in Mij
I am asked at a point low as I can be;
I look around and there he is with pleas in his eyes,
TRUST MIJ, he does cry.
I wait because that is what you do when very few large corporations "own you";
The weight is painful but he seems so desicively clear,
He wishes to clean the air between mistrust and lies.
We asked well before ten that he procure the medicines,
He cannot even be bothered to wake up a stitch.
Frailty is my weakened curse;
those who are are not use it like popping candy man.
They think in their head, this bitch was yours yet easy pickings like nearly D-ead.
Once again I have completed my way, look away my 2nd one.
Trust you seek, keep on looking.
For I am not...