|Mijn liefde, mijn leven is woorden en familie. Twitter: @MandiBen IG: mariedeman77 FB: Rood Bennett|
Today was a realization that I still have to deal with my Post Traumatic Syndrome; the reason for this diagnosis is explained in a Lettr that was based upon a prompt started by Sankar.
My case of PTSD was my child's self way in which to survive.
I had parked directly across the street, from my eldest son's school in België, so as not to put undo stress on my lower spine. The meeting was so/so and I get in my car. Within a minute a man jerked open my driver door. He is screaming at me in dialect but I get his drift. He also pulled his hand back like he was going to slap me. He switched to English to continue to scream; I was going to try and give him my reason. I again say how sorry I a...
Usually I'm the fighter
I'm the one saying, STAND STRONG,
Pijn of this magnitude
I thought was left past with chemo
and the cancers that
I fought with atittude
I hate being broken.
I hate that I cannot go back.
Crying doesn`t make me weak,
but I look meek and not so.
Life is but a moment, death also is
but another moment. Both facts of reality;
both parts of Yin en Yang.
In the last three months the pijn
has come in with a bang!
Holding on to sane and trying desperate
for some hope to remain.
Every day I wake from "the sleep",
wishing I was Aurora and Malificent had
cast that spell of eternity's Keep!
Here I sit and I wait;
every medical reason
my whole life for any season.
The scars crisscross my stomach
Organs that I can live without
gone with no doubt.
My scars upon my front is
my history of health done wrong.
From the back of my neck to
to the end of my spine; that is truly mine!
Tattoos adorn in no certain pattern
no certain form; but it is my record
my life as lived through turmoil and rage,
through joyous events and saddest news.
My front tells a very different tale,
through my pictures you can see ME in great detail.
Did we delude ourselves to think this would be easy?
Has my own past and present clashed to make one be afraid?
Dealing with aftermaths of violence and violation; only to be hit with with a black cloud thicker than wax before lit?
Do you think I believe your suffering is less than mine?
To me do I owe the suffering in which you pine?
I know not more to say; if she you can love more comes your way.
Do not hesitate to throw me away. Understand I live by my stand as I give my words.
Never again will happen more than half a decade before.
My fellow Lettrists and Lettrist Sisters in India; Sankar's prompt has helped to pull me from a dangerous contemplation.
I honestly have no fear of death anymore. I have lost too many children; you would think it was the dark ages. My daughter Kamryn would be 21 in September. Yes. I was incredibly young to do. BUT LEGAL. My daughter was conceived right before my wedding sham. I believe to this day it was covered up to pretend; I was a pious virgin after all. I will not rehash the gut wrenching saga and aftermath of her birth/death; but the sire of this wee girl could care less.
I went onto mother more and lose more; but what ended up happening was there was no joy in life and only duty. ...
May be there is some unknown cosmic karma...one generation back or two mucked it up...so to balance nature; Karma...this generation has to be in scale symmetry.
You are free to make any decision you wish. But you are not free from the consequences of that decision.
Whatever is happening in my life right now is the result of my own actions in the past. So, choose only the best in the present so that your future will be as beautiful.
This is the teachings yet; I cannot perceive of how a child just born or at three, can make such wretched life decisions so that this force called karma can return; inflict at times pain of many kinds. My only conclusion is; I was born ag...
Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. #LoveNLife
It was the same, it was nothing new. I was young but what could I do?
You have such a pretty face; why do hide; I would like to see what is inside! Your hair is red but is the rug too? He asked that question so many times, I think I puked what I ate. I was old enough to be home but not for long periods of time. My mother would become paranoid and she always had a back up plan. He was there as was before. Perfectly happy to watch little red and play some games while the adults were away.
This night seemed not just words but forcing my hand in place. Seeing my discomfort seemed to make him giddy in ways I could no see. I did realize that this was wrong; I was t...
When did doing right because it was good; go out of style as if fashion instead of true passion. When did good go bad?
Always speaking of hope; as if they've walked a tight rope. Supposed to turn my face; smile just for that while, my heart continues to break as reasons for what thy suffered should make. Was evil before this life I know? Was my soul shackled with wicked and the untold? For every moment of happiness; there are ten of wretchedness. Am I bad or have I just been mad?
"God is great, yeah...yeah; God is good! Yea, yea, yea; but what if God was/is one of us? A slob like one of us? Trying to make his way home; back to heaven all ALONE."~Joan Osborne
The meaning to this song has drastically changed to me over the years. I cannot believe in Christiananity, or any other organized religion. I only know I have faith...God(s) are man's constructs and that is why "he" shall be alone.
Dedicated to Melodic RoseRose
To dream a dream at night
that is the way we work, right?
I woud have let go, so long ago.
If I thought that my three were okay
that they could handle the stage life
would bring their ways.
Alas, I had to fight besides my plight
my miracles needed sight.
Their sire hopelessly blind to even basic kind.
So often my own body, my own self
because my genes were malformed.
My body attacks itself if I eat certain things,
I remember begging for someone to believe me. Someone to conceive that I could be right?
It turned out that it didn't matter.
Cancer, depression, loss of children, loss of mind, it culminated in time.
Even seemingly nice can do avarice and spite.
Evidence I have of that fateful fa...
I wish I could understand why there are those who do not see me for what I am. Broken and bent and a has been that's already spent. What use is there for that? I know too well the value of my tail. Blackness in soul and truth to know; no one is perfect yes, but my sins can never be laid to rest. A road to hell could be paved with mine; I was hated so much by a "daddy" of mine. I'm not good nor great...this shell is just that, a hunk of meat that will rot and decay. So often that is all I have prayed.
From dead of night till wee twilight,
there is no sleep but I will with might
endure it because of the former fight,
every day and every sun that rises
is another reminder of my crying
and scars that remain upon flesh remind me.
These sleepless nights just to be a mother.
I would it all again for no others.
If a mind could settle, and be told shhhh...
It's okay to think but rest is good as you
go through the currents in matters and hearts
Your mind blinks at images
it scatters thoughts that have been
It shatters spine enough to give in,
At the end of the day, the mind should say
Sorry folks! I'm closed for the day.
As we slumber deep, I know I keep how always the same as you and I have done. Wicked delight with purity and almost light. Wonderment and awe at the how and the why. Have I truly earned this in your eyes? Words you say and I believe it true for; those few minutes but then reality crashes against my door. You cannot see but it is me fallen to the floor. I wish to ask but grow too weary truly; I grow too leery, with my soul I would protect every bit that is you to my detriment it would have to be; that this me is more broken than thee.
I Will Let You Burn
FOR $75 YOU CAN BUY SOME MORALITY!!!!!
I may get shot down for this BUT regardless if the system has been in place since 1990 or not...the principle of basic human decency should apply. Back in the day you did not doll and PAY for fire protection...you just grabbed your bucket and put it out for the good of the community!!! The whole idea of what's good for the community is good for me? I cry out at this injustice and some of these lunatics who think that it was perfectly OKAY to let someone's house burn to the ground to teach others...pay your $75. We are not cavemen and we should allow such pettiness rule our hearts but we as a people and country do. The dollar ru...
I wrote this piece before I made the decision to come home to Europe permanently. Now with the embarrassment of the POTUS; and I promise Lettrists in the USA...he makes Amerika a laughing stock. Thank heavens I made the right move. I have health care; I always will.
Who are we and what are becoming?
We don't often stop to think about what kind of society and people we have become/are becoming... Both in terms of societal issues like health care, and economic issues, like importing goods/off-shoring jobs... already amid our current economic hardship, you can look around towns and see pay-day loan places springing up everywhere, and although they do serve a purpose, is that really the t...
There is no way to explain a Nirvana that fills my way. Paths along courses so strewn with malice en evil strained; ascending is one way to ease these ills. Looking beyond a horizon and breathing in deep; images of jasmine presents the sweet. Fires burning but no fear to feel; warmth and glow of that radiance is all I know. Paths that were filled with devils incarnate, my path I walk is a mirror and conquer it I will.
I know souls travels in and out of space within time. As an ether substance but a conscious mind. A soul is aware that love and losing has occurred; what confuses me most is how a soul I know should be so away from my chi in every way possible. We know one another; again I would die for them. Words pass that there is love still inherent and it is real. Do you let it go or seek to let it feel?
Releasing the Shackles
I used to be in fear of all my pain and shame. All the misery shackled me bitterly in my name. The bind that ties was a culprit in this tyranny, that festered into the insane. innocence lost at what cost? I lost hope in a diety, it went up in smoke. Slowly a dawn began clearing, within my hearing; I heard words of wisdom and unconditional love. That concept was foreign, except the endless affection for my sons. I had never known what it was to be forgiven for mistakes that were mine or not alone. I've learned that hate is one of those manacles that bound one to disgrace. Life is a gift that is ours to take, we can shy away to say; I am safer this way or you c...
This is the never ending fight, a battle you wage unseen your plight. Others can never tell what monsters truly dwell! Agonies upon strife that used you would to fight. What for when every turn of sun and moon; the same demons encounter your every move? No, there is no flight but only certitude that in the end, this will send me to Hades too.
Surreal and unsure; this life that is yours. Every step at every turn leads around to unsacred earth. Fear that grips; your mind insists is just a myst. Your primal self understands the meaning of this land. A curse of blood that weeps from the very leaves; death weaves webs of darkness everywhere.