|I'm just me, the best me anybody could ever hope to be, so reach out n grasp ur StAr, b u cause that's who U truly r, the best U by FaR!|
This is the only place I can write someone a letter,
Where he still won't get it either!
Charles C. Finn
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
I went outside looking for you,
But the SUV caused doubt in me
So I got shy & now I don't know what's true, ur green Mustang is what my eyes seek, not seeing it causes me to be blue & meek! Y won't u simply SPEAK!
If I'm only ever me, choosing to not be a catfish or otherwise someone I'm not, then u know it's me ur speaking with...
If u choose to speak to me as another for whatever reason u may have, yet deny me the truth that it's u, even if I KNOW it to be true, the only one to benefit is NO ONE!
U say some of the most touching beautiful things, things so GRATE I couldn't ever imagine someone feeling that way about me, not even in dreams where magic exists, so the fact that u choose not to speak as u to me, defeats me & kills that little spark of hope in me that despite dying repeatedly still finds its way to light back up in me!
If u would talk to ME, write to ME
communicate to ME, as U, then I...
Don't judge others simply cause they sin differently than u,
Cause then u become no better than hitler judging a Jew,
With Respect treat others, even if that's not how they treat u!
God made us in his image...
Me: I'm human I make mistakes!
Person: God doesn't make mistakes, He's God!
Me: Pfft *rolls eyes...I wonder then, why he felt it necessary to have Noah build that Ark!?
The things that make u go
I guess I choose to speak uncensored truths;
Since they chose to make me a cleverly edited lie!
I say goodbye in angry tense words, to hide the shattered heart behind a lie, so you can be happy, cause I'd swallow the pain of the the world, to know it brought that perfect smile to ur eyes, while all the while resenting my inner little girl who can't stop doodling ur name in combinations of a long ago buried dream, u brought back to life in me, to be a woman a wife the queen to ur king, I'll let u believe I'm not thinking of you cause it's what u asked of me, but I'll forever have u on my mind secretly!
U walked away
Uve no one to blame but ur self
I'm over crying to be ur nothing
U wanted to be in my life
But u couldn't handle my love
I couldn't handle merely filling in as her sub
Leave me out of ur story lines
Sing about some other muse
I'm done feeling bad about years of ur unspoken pain that u caused
I'm done hoping it's finally our turn ur fault I'm only left with memories I'd rather burn
U deserve her
I made the mistake of loving u time & again
I'm over it
Ur but a forgotten past sin
crawl out from under my skin
keep your tomorrow ur free
forever of Never Mores
Is the glass 1/2 empty
Is the glass 1/2 full
The pessimistic ones always say it's 1/2 empty
The optomist will always say it's 1/2 full
The Realist ...
Me I always have to dig around to find the root...always with my questing a world of questions never satisfied without the reality in my mind...
Was the cup filled only 1/2 way initially, or was it primarily filled to the brim & perhaps accidentally spilled or gulped 1/2 down from a lust left unfulfilled..
You see my dilema in this probing field, since if it was filled to the brim & 1/2 was emptied y then it's obviously 1/2 empty...
If it was only ever 1/2 filled be it with water, soda or hell even dirt dug from my minds field well then ...
For ur heart
Or my heartbreak
For the fire
Or the fire on the lake
For u to hate
Or for me to fake my hate
I tell my self if I wait
U'll take my bait
My bait is a piece of my heart u chose to break
If u take the bait does that end my wait
Restore my heart like a baked cake
Tell me is my weight really y you make me wait
Or is it simply ur internal debate
I'm waiting to send out Save-the-dates
Ok the last line was fake
I've got no body I'm merely a flake
Yet still solo I wait
I LOVE YOU
No need to write a name
No need to fill a space
The truth is it's always been your rightful place
Now if only I didn't feel like I've fallen from your grace
Then you'd pick me up & shower kisses all over my tear stained face
I can't say patiently I wait
Nor that I know what you'll choose as our fate
I can only say that I pray it's not too late
I LOVE YOU!
I'm so lost,
I'm so alone,
The only hands around
Are the ones pushing me down,
The only lips are those set
In the deepest frowns,
My throat is so tight it surprises me I survived another another terror filled night,
I can't do anything right neither stay nor flight,
Even though hope seems to hold a light it remains clouded in my hazy sight,
I've lost not only my will to fight but also my will to hold on tight,
I guess the beatings I thought I survived truly are my demise,
As imaginings are seen as reality only in my eyes!
You can't hear my pleas,
I can't afford your fees,
You hold the key to the prison that is within me!
I'm so broken & lonely!
Never wanted to return to the Devils lair,
Drug me down into the very depths of despair,
Yeah your free of me, your revenge took me there!
Nobody said life was fair,
silly of me to think anyone could even care!
Laugh & joke as you point & stare,
I'll merely fade away there'll be no bright flare!
My love for you simply couldn't compare to the thoughts on which you refused to share!
Good joke on me I TRULY thought we'd FINALLY be mated, the perfect pair!
No worries, you became my greatest fear, no other could overcome the void in me you cause with your ultimate scare,
In my life you truly didn't plan to remain there!
The biggest, most distructive pain was the rip caused by your hear...
I miss u
I'm not sure how
How much longer
How much more
How much less
How not to
How to wish
How to keep faith
How to believe
How to be loved
How to stop hurting
How to stop dying inside
How to pray
How to just run far away
How to hide from the things in my head
How to go back to being dead inside
How to live again
How it all went SOO wrong
How life is the same as a knife
How love can be one sided
How to trust & confide in
How to breath
How to get over it all
How to feel pretty
How to feel like I belong
How can I possibly ever matter
How can I love without ever having been loved
How do I move on
How do I accept you won't tell me
How do I stop loving...you since apparently ...
I gave you everything from day one way back when,
even if u failed to know that fact then,
& even as I sit here internally screaming from the pain of losing you yet again,
I'm an idiot still wishing to feel the comfort of ur embrace around me,
to hear your soothing words envelope me,
Y MUST U ALWAYS LEAVE ME
Y CAN'T U LOVE ME
Y CAN'T I BE WORTHY
IS THIS REALLY IT
IM BUT A REGRET
I'LL NEVER LOVE ANOTHER
BUT YOU I'LL SET FREE
FREE OF THE DISASTER OF ME
LEAST YOU LEFT ME A GREAT MEMORY
A LEGACY OF LEGACIES HOPEFULLY
I Know I'm strong, my trials & tribulations have made me the loving caring person I am, help me define my chacater while showing me exactly who I didn't wanna become, I'll admit it was a tough battle & I don't feel that it's even over yet, but just because I've been strong outta complete necessities, does that automatically determine that I'll never be allowed to just maybe for once be weak, be the one taken care of instead of always the strong unappreciated care taker?
I mentioned the saying I have heard here & there throughout my miseries to a pastor who was at the park doing out reach of some sort or another, & after he heard a bit of my story even he seemed horrified & full of pity...T...
And something SOOOO beautiful became a nightmare,
A life, an innocent who's very existence I can't even share!
All cause you failed to care!
Ironic how just the once is really all it took, unbelievable truly!
Don't worry no need for a weekend daddy, I'll manage!
I'll miss u forever
I'll love you longer
You've always had my heart
Sorry you only came back to open old scars!
Your not there
I keep hoping & believing but
Your not there
I keep on dreaming you come back to me but
Your not there
I wish I pray I scream I cry but
Your not there
I search I scout I reach out but
Your not there
I realize life just isn't fair, does it have to be that
Your not there
YOUR NOT THERE
I'll admit sometimes mysteries can be fun & exciting, thrilling in fact!
Then there's times like these, where the mystery just darkens all that was light with old feelings of unworthy!
The motives behind the things that people do may not always translate in quite the intended way, especially if one has a habit of constant doubt, it's not easily overcome those years of constant barrage of trying yet failing to be worthy!
It's not a matter of loving ones inner self to know you're worthy if you do in fact love the beauty in you that you possess, it's just hard to continue to believe if your constantly proven wrong by not just one or even a few but EVERYONE who's ever been in your life...as...
is a man
a woman's love
-Dr. David Viscott
To The One (what ever ur name may be, sad I may never know)
I sat day after day wishing, hoping you would come back but for good not just an over night visit where once dawn came u would once again walk away. I kept praying that I wasn't crazy that I really am worth it & u were merely testing me, my character, my morals, values & integrity! That eventually u would finally see I am, have always been, will always be the truest most loving me while I constantly still strive to b better & love more (although @ times I wonder how that can possibly b achieved since, well if u know me I'm already bursting full of love & honest to a fault)
I guess I'm even sadder now with the realization that ...