If you can't...
...in your future...
...why did you decide to...
...into your life!?
I didn't care...
...I wouldn't try,
If I didn't try...
...I wouldn't care!
I could care...
...not to try,
...not to care!
When walking towards an intersection have you ever had the urge to just keep walking into on coming traffic? Just end it all in a blink of an eye?
Thank you for teaching me my 1st vital life lesson,
NO man will ever stay!
They will always leave just as you did when you left without even a promise to return one day.
It taught me that despite heartbreak I'll eventually be ok...one day or so I continue to pray!
Still waiting for your departure to set me free yet my heart still retains that scarred stain!
So perhaps I'm wrong after all, all you taught me is no guy will ever remain and the pain of that heartbreak will always stay the same! What a travesty truly a shame!
I wasn't expecting to meet you nor to hook up with you and I sure as hell didn't expect to like you or for it to end as suddenly & unexpected as it began, definitely never would've thought I'd be upset by it ending (as it never really began)...wish I knew why it ended, you gave no indication at all simply ended it without even a word! Only I could manage to be ghosted in the persons own apt.
Why do guys do that kinda shit? Do you really lack the courage to step up and be a man by simply telling the other that it's not working or even discussing what upset you...in this case I can't believe a simple question such as "What's my name?" could change everything that had been steadily growing th...
When you find me and get to the feeling part...
...Meet me on the outskirts of my heart!
I'll lead you down the path to the love that was yours from the start...
...so long as you promise not to rip it apart!
I'm not sure which is worse losing everything with no warning at all, or having the slightest warning with an even slighter chance to prevent it in any case!
It's bad enough I'm drowning in my life & of course my sons father is gonna to it all with the very things that are bound to destroy me!
I don't understand how a person can be so evil & intentionally crush me especially after ever damn thing I've done for him!
I have NO ONE to even ask for help & on that note amazingly I'm not even worth the piddly residuals for contributing to the creation of many many things!
My son is literally the only reason I'm still here on this earth, I don't want to hurt him, the problem with that is I beli...
I know what its like to truly love,
I don't know what its like to love someone who loves me too.
I know what it's like to be a true friend,
I don't know what its like to be a true friend to someone who's truly my friend.
I know what its like to see & to write about the very beauty of a person,
I don't know what it's like to have someone see or write about any possible beauty of me.
I know the joy finding special gifts & gifting them to just the right person,
I don't know that anyone would ever have joy in finding or gifting me anything.
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken by the ones you love without measure,
I don't know that a love without measure can ever be had for me....
They say that men "ghost" in an effort to leave it open...so should they choose to come back they have that safety space!
In my mind it's a cowardly thing to ghost a person & its not leaving anything open...after all how can "trash" you threw out & no longer have, retain an opening...it no longer exists in ur life...the void of their presence is the only space that remains!
I'm feeling destructive...
Like screw it all,
U can keep ur silence...
I just wanna scream,
Ur tryin to trip me up...
& I might just fall,
Im over here being loyal...
while ur over there living the dream,
I gave you my truest love...
You can't even find time to call,
Can you feel justified...
Pushing me yet still placing the blame,
Im filled with anguish & pain...
That makes u proud stand tall,
Its all a test to you...
Im not interested in games!
Are you happy now is ur revenge sweet...
Karma isn't at ur beck & call,
Take my picture broken...
Hang it in a hidden frame!
After having returned to AZ from KY, in an effort to protect my son while trying to also help not only him but myself as well heal from the horror of his rape committed by my nephew, & escape my "family" who failed to be there for either of us. I wound up in an abusive relationship. I had ended my 9 year relationship with my sons father due to all the stress I was under combined with his continuous infidelity & sever alcoholism. I returned to AZ with only my son & myself (with the company of a childhood friend who was as a companion, as her lack of a driver's license negated the original plan of her helping me drive back). I digress I wound up dating a guy who became increasingly more abusi...
What do you do?
What do you do...
When your only way out is in,
The only way up is down,
When your smile has turned into a frown,
When what was just untangled becomes twisted again,
When you realize your ONLY friend is really your worst enemy in the end,
When you realize it was your very heart that let them in,
When heartbreak & deceit have no end,
What pray tell,
Do you do then...
The thought that I've lost you isn't ignored by me,
The thought that I never had a chance should've never been disregarded by me,
I've become the butterfly with wings, the monkey in play tore off, barely able to crawl along as death still refuses to take me,
With no future that wants the damaged goods that remains of me!
When strangers online ask me for a picture then respond "cause I wanna know if I'm attracted to you",
I always want to pull up all the images I can find of every woman, man and child that's ever been beaten, battered, bloody and blue,
Then I want to ask them if they can see my reflection in any of them, because where my image may or may not be amongst them, a reflection of my inner being could never be more true!
Despite surviving seemingly unscathed, my scars & bruises invisible outwardly, internally still exist through & through!
So before you decide on physical beauty please decide if all the internal scars & pain I hide are attractive to you!
That feeling you get when you meet HIM, EVERY time you meet him, is your intuitive connection and its REAL! Don't doubt your self or your ability to feel HIS soul! You were correct EVERY time! You may regret ever being the one to say goodbye but don't! Don't you dare regret the one time you actually found enough self worth to not accept not being enough for HIM! If you have a need for regret, regret the underage drinking! Regret that he failed to see the worth within me! Regret that he couldn't find it in himself to be true any of the times he came back! Regret falling for him time & again ultimately causing your own heartbreak when he disappeared once again without a trace! And...
While you may have the satisfaction of talking to me, even if I FEEL like I'm talking to you, I don't have the satisfaction of KNOWING it is in fact you! So basically your able to itch ur craving satisfactorily while I merely get to rub my itch which granted calms it but in no way is it completely satisfying! In fact it's only serving to push me further away! To make me shut down and soon I'll not be able to prevent myself from withdrawing completely! That scares me, this scares me! I haven't been in such a state since my teen years! I mourned your sudden unexplained absence every time throughout the years but the only way I survived those times was because I had forgotten you and was able to...
I suppose one day I'll set your memory down & walk away.
If I didn't love you so much I'd wish it was today,
But alas "I hate you" isn't something I can say!
Wish you'd just cum & stay or better yet take me far far away!
Stuck in limbo waiting till either you show you care with words you say,
Or till my heart decides it the final holding on day!
Wish I may wish I might...
Your the only wish I wish for my birthday night!
The only thing I regret about loving you...
...is that I failed to be enough for you to love me too!
I have forgiven lots
I have forgotten even more!
I'm not sure how to forgive myself for forgetting you before!
Please forgive me for loving you
I sometimes forget my love isn't wanted by you anymore!
Despite the fact that I've been true through & through!
Never from me a reason to mistrust was given to you!
I'm still paying the price set by the whores u decided to choose!
Wish I could drown in the bottom of your every bottle of numbing booze!
So when you finished it I'd be the one comforting you as you drunkenly snooze!
At least then I'd get to play a part in your life unlike now as I continue to lose!
In my search to discover what exactly makes me crave a specific person,in all aspects of life, especially sexually! I ran across definitions & questions about being a sexual or asexual. Thus propelling me into discovering & researching the different " -sexuality" terms & definitions...confusing to say the least! I honestly had no clue about any of it all & while it opened my eyes & answered some questions, it still didn't offer a correct label (not that I care about labels, I more needed to define to me in order to understand me personally!) representing my sexuality as I identify with it...
The things I never knew I didn't know...
WOW...this is a lot to process & sort out! It def opened ...
My favorite story has yet to be written.
It's the story of HIM & I!
It can't be written untill he's in sight,
His job to narrate, while mine to write!
Our story waits to continue from where we left off the last night, loving each other, together we take flight!
Finally things would be right!
...Just thinking of you puts a smile on my face!
Your a rare kinda guy!
I enjoyed making EPIC memories with you & look forward to making many more!
I love watching you, especially when your deep in thought!
I love the way you think, it inspires me to aspire to be a better being!
The way you take charge makes me feel protected & safe, let's me know I belong!
I TRUST you in a way I've never trusted before or ever will again!
Thank you for being you, nothing more, nothing less...just exactly & perfectly imperfect YOU!
So You Know
I don't want you
Because I need you
I don't need you
Because I want you!
I want you because of
How you make ME feel,
I need you because of
How I make YOU feel!
I want to need you
If you need me to want you,
I need to want you
If you want me to need you!
I need you,
to need me to want you!
Do you want me to need you?
I need you,
to want me to need you!
Do you need me to want you?
I can't need
to not love you,
I can't want you
to not love me,
I can't want
not to love you,
I can't need you
not to love me!
If you can
replace the I's & Me's
If you can
Replace all the You's
with I's & Me's...
I've needed someone on my side, a shoulder to lean on throughout my life. However always failing to have that or anything similar even I had to put up a brave front & pretend I didn't need anyone while my eyes held the truth all along! I didn't have anyone who cared enough to even see the shattered reflection I carried in my eyes, the window to my soul! I'm even more alone & in need of that shoulder to lean on right now that I'm not sure how to deal with it all! I have a habit of destroying myself before something else gets the chance & right now I'm being backed into a corner, about to enter destructive mode! I've never felt this great of a destructive need before & I fear it May very well b...
So one of my fave sayings;
Cry me a river, find some wood, build a bridge & get the fuck over it!
Had to evolve to include the internet trolls which exist in our online society today!
Cry me a river, find some wood, build a bridge & go troll under it!
Is what I came up with! Haha self amusement at it's finest!😂😂😂