|I'm still trying to find me, but I'd love to find US TOGETHER|
Omg 😱 sitting in the same theater seats I sat in during the 80s 😏...either they shrunk or I grew up 😬
Just a couple of thoughts...
So I locked myself outta my car the other day, apparently I have little slivers of glass randomly & sporadically under my skin😬😯 head to toe!
I usually HATE sleeping...bad things tend to happen when I sleep 😏...pregnancy tires me out though & I actually TRY to get to bed early here lately...only thing is by morning time I usually wind up more exhausted than when I laid down originally for the night due to the fact that I only get to sleep about an hour to two before having to use the restroom 😣 throughout the ENTIRE night...over & over again! I swear I spend more time on the toilet than in my bed 😏!
I managed to go almost a complete week without crying for you! I was FINALLY starting to numb out this crushing pain deep within me, till I allowed myself to believe the silly little foolish girl within me & her whispered prayer that dreams do come true. You'd think I'd have a better handle on true life realities at this stage in life, you'd think I'd at least have learned my lesson the hard way one of the umpteenth times of the past 3 1/2 decades, & to be sure I guess I have! Only you seem to have an ALL access pass around & through all barriers set in place to protect my inner most delicate recess' of my shattered torn beaten bloody patched together again heart! I can't blame you though a...
Laying here, can't help but think of being in your embrace,
I'm sleepy but fighting it, all in the hopes of seeing your sexy face.
Is it time yet, are you gonna pick me up & take me to OUR place?
Btw i figured out anywhere your heart beats for mine is in fact OUR space!
I don't know whether to cry or fix my face damn pregnancy space case!
Who says pizza crust isn't good... the ducks disagree! 😁
Am I the only one who cried during Boss Baby?
When I run again & it's not in your direction, just remember it's not cause I don't want you, it's cause you failed as my compass!
Being an over emotional female is hard enough, add to that monthly PMS which a woman usually gets to trade off for pregnancy hormones upon becoming pregnant, NOW imagine my fate I don't get to trade ANY of it off for at least 3 to 4 months! Yeah that's right I am so uniquely fucked up that I continue having my monthly horror 3 months into my 1st pregnancy & so far 4 months into this one...add to ALL the above emotions is the fact that I can't get insurance cause I can't prove I'm pregnant & I was barely able to afford prenatal vitamins (I will say I got the gummies & they are yummy lol) then add to that the fact that I can't even get the father to be to respond or even show any emotional su...
If you choose to remain in the shadows of my life, don't be mad when my light no longer seeks you!
I write a LOT
I speak even MORE
So just imagine ALL the thoughts
you don't SEE or HEAR
Went & saw Beauty & the Beast
It was awesome
Perfect timing... I said I loved the library & the Beast said "If you love it so much it's yours!"
I immediately responded with "Why thank you!" Lol
Cogsworth was hilarious "Go back to the clock!" Lmfao😂😂😂
I feel like the last petal has fallen & I'm the Beast without the Beauty to love me,
It's ok though I've got NOBODY to blame but me!
I'm not saying I give up
I failed you
I failed me
Just be happy
That's enough for me
Goodbye or Hello
That's up to you
Which is right for us two
My love was ALWAYS TRUE
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU!
Sitting at Whataburger with my son & I start smelling gasoline,
I asked "Is that my gas I'm smelling?"
To which my son replied "Maaybeee!"
"Um kiddo I was talking about the car but I guess you let one loose huh!?"
All my life I've been self reliant, the one EVERYONE comes to when they need,
When I say I don't have anyone it's more because I don't feel like anyone should have to deal with my personal bullshit, some say reach out it's OK to need support, then the same people say you only have yourself, I've rarely been one to reach out & to be honest it kills me to even be in the position to need help, even more so when people think they know what kind of help I need! Not everyone is the same, not every addict needs "rehab" some may & thats ok! I'm not one of them! My addiction isn't the surface drug that others see! My addiction stems from my weight issues, I ate less I walked way more but I was always...
Once she knew he wasn't coming back for me I lost all value to her...
In losing that value in her I lost value in myself...
Try as I might it remains out of my grasp...
I do what's right even though it can't right past wrongs, I know I'm not perfect I have pain double what I've caused & I'd never wish it away cause surely I owe for the pain I've caused, can't my curse be mine alone, can't the ones I love be spared of the curse that's me, that's mine by birth alone?
If you were to spend a day in my head & a minute in my heart you'd know the amount of LOVE I've always had for EVERY living thing that's only surpassed by hate fed to me, it's difficult to love so much only to be hated by thos...
I NEVER knew,
The things I knew!
I never realized ALL
the bright spots in my life
Were all centered around one single person,
A lot of the dark spots were too...
I NEVER knew that ALL those people were YOU!
Me "running" was me trying to find
somewhere I might fit in,
someone to love like I was wanted,
someway to silence the unworthy shouts
that haunt me still,
I never had an anchor,
so I never had a reason to stay....
LOVE has always been denied me,
running was my only way to hide me,
So my own self hate couldn't catch up,
Couldn't find me,
Couldn't remind me,
It caught up to me,
It found me,
It's reminding me,
All the ones I've loved,
I took my son bowling last night I also have tickets to take him to the AZ science center...
Before we got there we stopped to eat, as I had weight issues first under then over, I have always tried to make sure he has healthy options which can be rather difficult at times as he himself has an undiagnosed eating disorder (to the point he refused to eat Wendy's cause the burgers are square, I even figured out how to make his cheese melt in a circular way cause he asked me to) I have always let him eat till he was full never forcing him to eat more, he was small for his age, he always had been, so was I in the beginning & his father still is, lately he has been gaining weight (CPS was concerne...
Failed in my hour of need by
CPS took my child from me,
This is what I received when DV was a situation I tried to leave,
Failed to save my son and me,
On deaf ears fell my cries for help my desperate pleas of HELP ME PLEASE,
Only served to completely trap me even as I struggled in vain desperately,
I lost my everything all cause I couldn't afford a lawyer's retainer fee,
My "family" helped him instead of me,
All cause he promised to take us back to KY,
His goal different despite the similarities...
People who truly don't care about me & only want to add to my misery by imprisoning me where I don't wanna be, where I'm not able to be happy!
Nobody knows how hard I tried time ...
When your child is EVERYTHING to you & is ripped (literally ripped away by force by the very ones sworn to "serve & protect") from your arms, all because you finally had, had enough & had decided to FINALLY take that leap, to save your son from the vicious cycle of abused becoming the abuser, & although little it may be for your self too, all while still reeling from the abuse you had only just escaped which happens to be the ONLY reason you even moved back in with your son's father in the first place, not to mention the fact that beyond all the abuse you were suffering, you were still BEYOND lost & drowning in the horror of having failed (despite knowing it's not my fault, I'll forever feel...
First let me state that I'm in no way looking for recognition for my actions, I only wish to share the immense feelings of joy & happiness that I, simple me was able to bring such joy into the life of another when out with my son earlier today...
In line at McDonald's after having downloded the APP, finding the coupon & calling some 5 or 6 past used gift cards (all having a remaining balance of mere change but combined equaled enough to buy the fries my son nor I needed, but would bring a happiness to him was more than enough for my struggle) Alas as I approached the register with one person a head my primary phone died, with a line behind I stepped aside motioning them ahead, I was sligh...
I'm "IN" shape...
ROUND is a shape,
Besides I'll ALWAYS be
Cause I'll NEVER turn
I'll never understand her reasoning:
After signing me over to the state I still remember vividly the conversation between her & me,
She asked me "If you were doing meth why weren't you losing weight?"
There was no concern that I was using drugs, just queries at why I failed even in being a druggie!
She told me that they were getting divorced, that he found another woman on the internet.
At that point why would it even matter to me?
My question was "So why didn't you leave him for me, why didn't I matter enough to you? Yet he left you for some bimbo on the internet!"
Her reply "How do you know she's a bimbo?"
My baffled response "Um, you kinda missed the point entirely!"
"I'll be right here where you left me...
Waiting for you...
I've never had a "song"
I've never had a "place"
Is it so wrong for me to want this for US, to start a new life TOGETHER?
It means so much to me,
I'd truly go anywhere to be your Queen!
First can't I live the dream, of Knight rescuing the princess within me?
I LOVE YOU
I wonder if you know how much it pains me to know, that while I needed you, you needed me, yet neither was aware the needs behind the others despairs...
The difference between negativity & deppression:
Depression is within me & out of my control to an extent,
Negativity is what a person expels onto another & is completely within one's control!
Negativity is meanness,
Depression is sadness!
Depression & empathy are great friends!
Negativity can't even extend friendship to sympathy!
My depression causes me to lash out at me!
Negativity causes people to lash out at others!
I can't explain why the negative is so much easier to accept than the positive, other than perhaps it speaks to the depression within me!
My heart however (for the most part, I am human) refuses to convert my inner turmoil into negativity against another.
I do spe...