So many memories...
So many hopes...
The memories outnumber the times... And reality has slowly been killing the hopes that were mine!
What was the point of it all?
Did you satisfy your curiosity,
Did you answer the questions you pondered?
So yesterday the Constable came. I suppose I lucked out as far as they didn't enter or force me out, they only posted lock out stickers on my door and window. I'm guessing cause of my dogs barking, and I didn't answer the door! An old fRiend showed up to help or at least I believed that's why! I truly am alone in this world with no where to go and I have no idea what to do any more . Can it be over now, PLEASE? Can I be done already, I'm so tired of trying just to fail!
So today is more than likely the day I'm going to once again lose everything and become homeless once more! My mental illness has been kicking my ass and it's hard to even breath let alone try to figure everything out!
People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway!
If you are honest people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway!
If you find happiness people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway!
The good You do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway!
Give the world your best you have it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway!
For you see in the end it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway!
I've always said;
If you have the need to look around to see if you may be caught,
you shouldn't be doing it anyway!
After all it's not anyone on Earth who you will stand before on judg...
There was a time not very long ago, although it feels like an eternity! That every car horn had me jumping up and running outside to see if just maybe it was possible. That maybe he did come back. Over time I had to force myself to stop. I still to this day have the urge and desire to. Then I remember the feelings that engulfed me every time it wasn't him and that's more than enough to keep me from checking. I thought time would help ease the pain at least just a bit. It's still the same as the day he left! I miss him tons! Maybe one day I keep telling myself. Maybe one day!
Imagine if you will being told you look like your closest friend. You don't see any resemblance other than both being similar in weight. ALL the guys that were in your life first start messing around with her after being introduced. Including but not limited to your boyfriend! She's living with you guys to top it all! You wind up breaking it off with your boyfriend despite their denials because you KNOW! You then start to try to "date" again, although hook up would be more apt. The very guy's who have shown interest before and who are currently hooking up with her (the very one they say looks just like you in fact) all of a sudden are no longer interested in you. It's not only confusing but i...
Once upon a recent time a girl wished upon a star! Not with any real hope that her wish would come true, more so on the off chance of even the slightest bit of it to even be a possibility. Quite to her surprise and delight her very wish came true! However you know the saying "Be careful what you wish for!" As she laid curled up beside her wish come true, head on chest, mind, body and spirit at peace with a comfort never known before; her wish became her worst fear, her ultimate heartbreak! She fought her hardest to control the tremors caused by the sob's she somehow managed to keep silent as the unstoppable tears rolled off her cheeks to drop in puddles on his shoulder. He didn't react in any...
Growing up I used to write to the talk shows in an effort to find my father. I guess I figured if I could only just find him and meet him he might just want me. If only right! Only thing is he's known where I was the entire time! I failed to even be worth a birthday card! The fact that he could have reached out at any time yet didn't in my mind speaks volumes on my worth in his eyes. I've never really had an issue with being poor. I mean sure it sucks not being able to afford the things you want but not being able to afford the things you need is a truly horrible feeling! Who knew I have an incredibly wealthy family! I personally would feel wealthy just to be apart of my family! I'm not sure ...
If you can't...
...in your future...
...why did you decide to...
...into your life!?
I didn't care...
...I wouldn't try,
If I didn't try...
...I wouldn't care!
I could care...
...not to try,
...not to care!
When walking towards an intersection have you ever had the urge to just keep walking into on coming traffic? Just end it all in a blink of an eye?
Thank you for teaching me my 1st vital life lesson,
NO man will ever stay!
They will always leave just as you did when you left without even a promise to return one day.
It taught me that despite heartbreak I'll eventually be ok...one day or so I continue to pray!
Still waiting for your departure to set me free yet my heart still retains that scarred stain!
So perhaps I'm wrong after all, all you taught me is no guy will ever remain and the pain of that heartbreak will always stay the same! What a travesty truly a shame!
I wasn't expecting to meet you nor to hook up with you and I sure as hell didn't expect to like you or for it to end as suddenly & unexpected as it began, definitely never would've thought I'd be upset by it ending (as it never really began)...wish I knew why it ended, you gave no indication at all simply ended it without even a word! Only I could manage to be ghosted in the persons own apt.
Why do guys do that kinda shit? Do you really lack the courage to step up and be a man by simply telling the other that it's not working or even discussing what upset you...in this case I can't believe a simple question such as "What's my name?" could change everything that had been steadily growing th...
When you find me and get to the feeling part...
...Meet me on the outskirts of my heart!
I'll lead you down the path to the love that was yours from the start...
...so long as you promise not to rip it apart!
I'm not sure which is worse losing everything with no warning at all, or having the slightest warning with an even slighter chance to prevent it in any case!
It's bad enough I'm drowning in my life & of course my sons father is gonna to it all with the very things that are bound to destroy me!
I don't understand how a person can be so evil & intentionally crush me especially after ever damn thing I've done for him!
I have NO ONE to even ask for help & on that note amazingly I'm not even worth the piddly residuals for contributing to the creation of many many things!
My son is literally the only reason I'm still here on this earth, I don't want to hurt him, the problem with that is I beli...
I know what its like to truly love,
I don't know what its like to love someone who loves me too.
I know what it's like to be a true friend,
I don't know what its like to be a true friend to someone who's truly my friend.
I know what its like to see & to write about the very beauty of a person,
I don't know what it's like to have someone see or write about any possible beauty of me.
I know the joy finding special gifts & gifting them to just the right person,
I don't know that anyone would ever have joy in finding or gifting me anything.
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken by the ones you love without measure,
I don't know that a love without measure can ever be had for me....
They say that men "ghost" in an effort to leave it open...so should they choose to come back they have that safety space!
In my mind it's a cowardly thing to ghost a person & its not leaving anything open...after all how can "trash" you threw out & no longer have, retain an opening...it no longer exists in ur life...the void of their presence is the only space that remains!
I'm feeling destructive...
Like screw it all,
U can keep ur silence...
I just wanna scream,
Ur tryin to trip me up...
& I might just fall,
Im over here being loyal...
while ur over there living the dream,
I gave you my truest love...
You can't even find time to call,
Can you feel justified...
Pushing me yet still placing the blame,
Im filled with anguish & pain...
That makes u proud stand tall,
Its all a test to you...
Im not interested in games!
Are you happy now is ur revenge sweet...
Karma isn't at ur beck & call,
Take my picture broken...
Hang it in a hidden frame!
After having returned to AZ from KY, in an effort to protect my son while trying to also help not only him but myself as well heal from the horror of his rape committed by my nephew, & escape my "family" who failed to be there for either of us. I wound up in an abusive relationship. I had ended my 9 year relationship with my sons father due to all the stress I was under combined with his continuous infidelity & sever alcoholism. I returned to AZ with only my son & myself (with the company of a childhood friend who was as a companion, as her lack of a driver's license negated the original plan of her helping me drive back). I digress I wound up dating a guy who became increasingly more abusi...
What do you do?
What do you do...
When your only way out is in,
The only way up is down,
When your smile has turned into a frown,
When what was just untangled becomes twisted again,
When you realize your ONLY friend is really your worst enemy in the end,
When you realize it was your very heart that let them in,
When heartbreak & deceit have no end,
What pray tell,
Do you do then...
The thought that I've lost you isn't ignored by me,
The thought that I never had a chance should've never been disregarded by me,
I've become the butterfly with wings, the monkey in play tore off, barely able to crawl along as death still refuses to take me,
With no future that wants the damaged goods that remains of me!
When strangers online ask me for a picture then respond "cause I wanna know if I'm attracted to you",
I always want to pull up all the images I can find of every woman, man and child that's ever been beaten, battered, bloody and blue,
Then I want to ask them if they can see my reflection in any of them, because where my image may or may not be amongst them, a reflection of my inner being could never be more true!
Despite surviving seemingly unscathed, my scars & bruises invisible outwardly, internally still exist through & through!
So before you decide on physical beauty please decide if all the internal scars & pain I hide are attractive to you!
That feeling you get when you meet HIM, EVERY time you meet him, is your intuitive connection and its REAL! Don't doubt your self or your ability to feel HIS soul! You were correct EVERY time! You may regret ever being the one to say goodbye but don't! Don't you dare regret the one time you actually found enough self worth to not accept not being enough for HIM! If you have a need for regret, regret the underage drinking! Regret that he failed to see the worth within me! Regret that he couldn't find it in himself to be true any of the times he came back! Regret falling for him time & again ultimately causing your own heartbreak when he disappeared once again without a trace! And...
While you may have the satisfaction of talking to me, even if I FEEL like I'm talking to you, I don't have the satisfaction of KNOWING it is in fact you! So basically your able to itch ur craving satisfactorily while I merely get to rub my itch which granted calms it but in no way is it completely satisfying! In fact it's only serving to push me further away! To make me shut down and soon I'll not be able to prevent myself from withdrawing completely! That scares me, this scares me! I haven't been in such a state since my teen years! I mourned your sudden unexplained absence every time throughout the years but the only way I survived those times was because I had forgotten you and was able to...
I suppose one day I'll set your memory down & walk away.
If I didn't love you so much I'd wish it was today,
But alas "I hate you" isn't something I can say!
Wish you'd just cum & stay or better yet take me far far away!
Stuck in limbo waiting till either you show you care with words you say,
Or till my heart decides it the final holding on day!
Wish I may wish I might...
Your the only wish I wish for my birthday night!