|I'm still trying to find me, but I'd love to find US TOGETHER|
Could it truly be possible?
After all these years.
Am I brave enough to pursue?
Will the answer be the truth or a lie that comes from you?
And ALL the many wondrous reason I listed in the letter I gave to you about why I'd never wanna wish that I'd never have met you became the very reasons why I truly wish I hadn't...Since had I never experienced it all with you I'd not know how awesome it all felt. I'd still not know what it felt like to be accepted, wanted & cared for! You don't ache for what you don't know!
Instead, I finally at 36 felt ALL that & so much more that mere words simply can't express. For the first time ever I got to experience what before even alluded me in wishful dreams, but for what? So I could be left holding a desire for all of it, only to have you decide I'd not even be worthy of ur word. Evoked things I...
It's a difficult heartbreaking thing to love someone who doesn't love you back, whether it be they don't or simply won't!
To have a connection with someone that anytime spent together is thoroughly enjoyed by both, not just by the one that loves.
To part ways with a smile and a future plan of connecting in a short amount of time, seems like a longer amount by the one who loves. To be faced with silence. No contact of hi how are you or any such friendly banter. No way of knowing if the other is safe & hasn't come to any danger, the one that loves is also the worrier!
Ghosted, that's what term has been givin for the one left behind when one wants to remove themselves from being bothered.
And in a split second all the clues she had acknowledged before she buried them deep in her subconscious, unearthed them self and came crashing down in waves. Drowning her with the realization that somehow she knew all along, the truth about her very existence, even as she had tried to hide from it!
She was the misfit of the family, the odd one out, not by misdeeds of her own accord, but because she was a remembrance of their misdeeds! She was not only illegitimate, she was a bastard born out of rape. Not only was the crime rape it was the theft of innocence, the innocence of a child.
A grandmother forced to proclaim motherhood for a child her child had bore. It all made ...
I usually don't look directly at people when I first enter an area as my anxiety causes me to fear the judgment of others. Like I'm invading their space. Last night however as soon as I turned to walk down the aisle of the bus to secure my seat for the long ride to work, my eyes immediately came to rest on someone. I swear that someone was you! Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me as I do tend to see your face in place of others instead of the ones that actually belong to them. However I felt the strongest pull towards him I was convinced it was truly you. My heart started beating so hard my body started shaking in a matching rhythm. My mouth went dry for want of the wetness of yours. I pic...
Would you be so kind as to exit my thoughts...hit the lights on your way out! Thanx
They say time heals but really all it does is move you forward and memories backwards...the feelings still remain though!
Every guy I see, I only see your face reflected back at me!
Even if you never find a place for me in your heart & life, just know you are my life & the holder of my heart!
As I sat upon one of his massive overweight thighs, my friend his daughter, sat upon the other. We couldn't have been older than 6 or 7. We each had a cigarette supplied by him, it was his bartering tool he used to pay us for access to our most private recess'. We didn't even know how to actually smoke but it was an effective way to ensure my silence as I didn't know what he was doing was so very wrong, I was more concerned that I was at fault & bad for smoking (or holding the damn cigarette in any case). I did feel a sense of unease & stopped visiting my friend in her apt. That I couldn't save her & have no idea how it all turned out for her has haunted me throughout my life! I guess I pis...
Do not delude yourself with false pretenses that your absence will bring me greater joy than your presence does!
Your silence isn't healing, it's destroying me irrevocably!
I hide my tears behind smiles & laugh over my silent anguished screams.
Your my only ray of hope in what is quite possibly the 2nd darkest time of need in my life. And I've had more than my fair share of strife!
My eyes haven't been dry in 2 hours since the moment I sent that text, I guess I knew it was wrong to send as no response may truly signify the very end of you & me, of the hopes I had of what might still come to be! Dreams may come true for you but silly of me to believe they might for me!
I'm fine as long as I don't think of you...problem is when am I not thinking of you!?
Baby my heart cast you in the starring role as the love of my life!
I have been dealing with a lot lately. I can't say I'm pregnant as all tests have been negative. I can't say I'm not pregnant since I don't know if I should believe tests over symptoms. I've had people tell me you can't have periods while pregnant & then they list other things such as implantation bleeding & such. I know for a fact that you can have a period WHILE pregnant as well as false results on pregnancy tests. I had negative results for the first 3 months of my pregnancy with my son as well as a full on period. That being the case I didn't even know what implantation bleeding was (which is what I believe happened in Jan as I only spotted for 1 day & that was it) I didn't even know I wa...
Dreams VS Goals
You set a goal and work towards achieving it!
You can't set a dream or work to achieve it, it's based on desires of the impossible.
Miracles do happen & some dreams do come true but I don't believe we have the ability to work towards achieving them especially ones that pertain to others & their choices & free will!
Thoughts racing in an empty head.
Why are the evil still alive,
While the good are long gone & dead?
I wrote this after Betty passed away. She was the mother of my very first BFF Kevin. Kevin passed away in like 2006. Betty passed away just a couple of years ago. Kathy, Betty's oldest is still alive & I'll always have a special place in my heart for her, she was quite a bit older & so I don't have many memories of her. I had more of a connection as family to Betty & Kevin then I did with my own family. I have more memories of Betty mothering me than my own mom. She would wear shirts that tied in front just so I could practice tying, she's who taught me how to tie my shoes. I felt a need to p...
ALL my wishes have already been made!
How to Find Happiness
Through the Year
-Helen Steiner Rice
Seeks happiness it's true.
But finding it & keeping it
seem difficult to do.
Difficult because we think
that happiness is found only
in the places where wealth &
And so we go on searching
in palaces of pleasure,
Seeking recognition &
Unaware that happiness is
just a state of mind within
the reach of everyone who
takes the time to be kind--
For in making others happy
we will be happy too,
For the happiness you
give away returns to
shine on you!
This quote "I don't know, I just want to be happy. I could be in a hole somewhere. Or I could completely lose it and be some hippy living in the woods with my dad." by Shia Lebeouf, reminds me of a book I read growing up called "My Side of the Mountain".
My world was so full of turmoil & chaos. I never felt that I fit in. The black sheep for no obvious or apparent reason. I was a bother, a hindrance to those who were supposed to be my family.
I read that book several times wishing I could run away and be alone on my own adventures.
I remember once I took some cans of food and set out to leave. I was gone for hours in the dead of winter in Wisconsin. I was hiding in an abandoned car. I was...
If we are only friends with benefits...
Don't be mad when another friend gets your benefits!
I can't sleep! I've got no clue as to what my issue is. It could be that new guys are showing interest in me & I feel like I'm somehow being unfaithful to someone (the one I really want) who has made it blatantly clear he doesn't give a damn about me. It could be that my ex has been trying to talk to me again & all that never was is making me feel as worthless as he did while we were together. There's so many worries screaming in my head & sleep won't come to silence them!
I'll admit for a while there I clung to the hope I was worthy enough for him to come back for me. I mean after all it was he who chose to seek me out not I who sought him originally! Funny how things changed huh & no I'd not say for the better. Things did change however & to be honest I hurt still but I've given up on hoping for his return after all 2 not 1 but 2 of the only promises he made to me have already been broken & that leaves nothing! It's not that I don't want him or that I wouldn't forgive him it's simply that I doubt he cares or wants me or my forgiveness! I'm here should he want me!
Just finished watching "Kingsman, The Golden Circle" at first my son didn't want to watch it but during the beginning while thinking it was a preview he stated "I wanna watch this movie!" 😂 To which I replied "This IS the movie we're watching!" LOL! Funny coincidences ran rampant throughout the movie...including the fact that I unknowingly had decided to wear my new cowgirl boots & purse😍😋
How long do I wait before I finally let you go,
how long will it take to finally realize I'm in this alone!
Well I haven't really explored Lettrs that much on an iPhone as of yet...but so far it's quite a bit different lol
I learned a long time ago not to believe I was worthy of being loved! Then you came along and somehow made me forget that hard learned lesson...only to make that lesson of my reality come crashing down harder than ever before! No worries though it's my fault for daring to believe! For daring to hope that somehow, someway this time would or could be different. I apologize! Hope all is well with you & yours & that EVERY happiness life has to offer finds you!
ALWAYZ WITH LOVE 💘,
Why is it when I try discussing past situations with others, some want to say I'm to focused on the past? It's ok for them to express their feelings or points of view yet I'm damned If I do! If I could discuss the future & events yet to come, actually came to pass...oh the stories I'd write! Trust me on that!