|Drifting aimlessly through the dark, looking for direction.|
My sister shared a post about teenage love. "You can delete pictures, but how do you delete memories?".
Naturally, I responded with time and space. But here's the thing,
I've been to places so dark, that not even memories can crawl out of. I don't know who I was with or what I was doing. I don't remember everyday life, years of my life, but I remember the feeling inside me. That was the only thing I was hanging onto. That's the only thing that was left of "me".
So word of warning: cherish every single second, because that kind of news will ALWAYS hurt. No matter how long or how far. One day you will wish that you could remember. Something. Anything.
Praying for progress. I need forward momentum. I need out and the clock is ticking.
All I want is answers, but I guess that's all anyone wants. I'm surely not anyone special.
It's been six years and it still hurts today almost as bad as it did that day.
Empty Shell. It's an analogy to feeling nothing. But what if it's more? What if there's hope?
When a hermit crab out grows it's shell, it leaves to find a bigger one.
What if I have outgrown this situation? What if I am off to find a bigger one?
What if I'm not the same person I was, and I'm just waiting for someone new to move in?
What if feeling deserted and empty are all part of the process?
Well I wish it would hurry up and get it over with.
One day you will realize how tired you have made my soul. How much pain and how many scars you have inflicted. I promise when you look at me, you will feel the callousness and the unwantedness that you have made me feel.
But by that time it will be too late.
I will be beyond caring. I already am.
You know those nights when you feel like you've been kicked in the stomach and all you want to do is wretch?
I wish they'd go away and not come back.
I'm sorry dear, but I can't help those who don't want it. If you're not trying, I'm not trying. I don't want to see, "I have nobody"s. You had somebody and you ignored that or walked away.
Just thoughts/clearing my chest
Some days are just harder than others.
I wish I was better in every way, in my mind, in my heart, and in my acts.
I'm sorry that sometimes I'm as easy to love as it is to hug a cactus.
But some days are just harder than others.
I hate it. I hate this feeling.
Like I'm not enough for myself. Like I'm not enough for everyone else. Like I'm just a drag.
Ever feel invisible?
All the screaming in the world and you'll never be heard.
It's like one giant glass box and I'm stuck inside.
It's great, I'm fine, really I don't mind.
Spoiler alert: I'm lying.
Why is depression so depressing?
I'm stressed and upset and it all builds up. I feel like a kettle for tea, under pressure and needing to scream.
I want to do it all. I want to study for my tests, I want to clean the whole mess.
But instead I just sit here and stare at a wall. I just sit here not washing any dishes at all. I sit hear not sleeping, or eating.
At least I'm being depressed and that's something after all.
Don't be hard on yourself,
Why do I ruin everything I touch?
You make me so happy,
But you hate my guts.
Today was a good day,
But you didn't get out of bed.
You have so much energy,
But you don't do anything at all.
Every day is a struggle. Every last one. I wish I knew how to deal. I wish I were normal. Im sorry im too much. Im sorry I suck. I try my hardest and it just ain't enough.
You're an emotional rollercoaster. But I no longer subscribe to your ride. So why do you come trying to make me partake of this awful affair?
Goodbye doesn't last, and you're full of lies.
Holding a grudge is too much energy, but why can't you just keep your distance?
Im not who you think I am. We don't match. People change. The truth is you're abusive and I don't want you around.
I don't care who you're with. I don't care what you're doing.
Leave for good.
Sometimes, the concept of time makes me sick, but I guess that's just my Anxious Mind.
There are so many things I want to say. I want people to know the truth. But people don't understand. They don't understand that some days you just can't do it. They don't understand, that sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes there's just too many things to say so you say nothing at all. Sometimes it stings on the inside. Hard . Sometimes it makes you sick when nothing is wrong.
Sometimes you hate yourself and all you can do is hide it with pleasantries.
Tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling this way. Just plain tired.
Everybody else. They get to be emotionally tiring, they get to lash out, act out. But not me. But not me..
Keep your composure, I don't want to hear it, "they're going through a hard time"...
At least theirs will pass. At least it's a fleeting emotion, or something upsetting.
It's so much harder when it is yourself you fight.
So I've tried my best to turn around my thought processes and write happy things here for the world to see. But the reality of the matter is sometimes, you need a place to go to let everything out. The nasty ugly things. The dark haunting thoughts in the back of your head that you try your best to hide. The "I never would have thought..." Sorts of things.
So the fact of the matter is, I've not been doing well, and this is my way to let it out. Let it out without judgement or questions.
Sometimes I wish my mother would just realize that it's not my fault I'm alive. I didn't have sex to create me and I do not owe her anything because of it. I didn't ask for this. Yes, she does so much for me, and yes, I want to do so much for her. But I also have to be responsible. #Rant #FeelingGuiltTripped
It's amazing how it's always the people so very close to you that hurt you so deeply. Maybe because they know where to stab?
Sometimes you just have to lose yourself. Sometimes you have to let your heart wander in the dark. Sometimes to be stronger, you must allow yourself to be broken.
Sometimes you have to wake up tomorrow morning and feel stronger.
It's just a day. Today is just a day. Tomorrow is just another day. You'll make it through even if you don't think so. Relax and Breathe. You got this. Your hard work and diligence will be rewarded one day. Find joy in the little things. Smile. Today is just a day, and you got this.