|Writing is therapeutic, the melding of heart, soul and mind forming words that become a snapshot of your life. A moment captured in time.|
You were the example that I followed. A quiet man who didn’t ask for respect, you earned it. I took my cues from you, the calm demeanor and words of wisdom still resonate with me. I never thanked you for what you did to provide for us. The long hours breaking your back sweeping the factory and long years of picking fruit for pennies, yet we were never without. Thank you dad. I miss you. I hope you knew what you meant to me and I hope I made you proud.
You made the difficult decision
I didn’t understand it at the time
Crazy thoughts racing through my head
Never thought I’d be fine
Why would you do this?
Why would you lie?
You had to do it
Your one last try
We never knew how to love
But thought we did
And when we misunderstood
We both just hid
For years we sleepwalked
We couldn’t see the light
Blindly bumping into each other
Constantly in a fight
You didn’t understand me
I didn’t understand you
No matter how hard we tried
Our normal was through
You left me
I let you go
Finally we agreed
It was the end of the show
But something happened
On the way to being free
You changed direction
You shared with me
We talked the unmentionable
We lay there talking, an unconventional conversation to say the least, both of us smiling, both of us letting emotions take hold. It was unlike any discussion we’d ever had. At that moment my heart swelled and began racing, brushing off the dust and cobwebs that had formed. I looked into her beautiful eyes and lost control. A supernatural force inched my lips closer to hers, sparks forming as I closed in. What happened next, I can’t explain, a feeling I had never experienced before. A bliss beyond our realm. Never had a kiss felt like this. It still resonates in my soul today and I hunger for the next.
What is it that keeps me coming back?
What spell has been cast that does not allow me to break free?
Is it witchcraft?
Is it more sinister?
Or is it the look of a lost girl needing a hand to hold?
Is it the nervous smile holding back decades of tears?
Or is it simply my heart holding on so tight to an ideal us?
An us without the arguments.
An us without the pain.
Love comes easy, in an instant.....making it last is where the work comes in.
Can we do the work?
Can we break free of past pains and create new smiles?
I’d like to find out.
I closed that door.
Used the deadbolt.
Added a lock.
Jammed a chair against the handle.
Slid the desk against that door.
Somehow you still snuck back into my heart.
A new voice has entered my life. One that doesn’t belittle. One that doesn’t bring me down. A soft voice of encouragement and joy. Where wasteland once lay, friendship blooms, teaching us how resilient nature can be. I actually smiled today. A milestone for sure. The heart has moved on from the deceit, ready to grasp on to something new. Whatever the future may hold, it’s clear now, that anything can be overcome. No time to look back now, the future might slip away.
Real men don’t do therapy.
Real men tough it out, bottle it up, ignore the pain.
Real men do not cry.
Real men show no weakness.
This real man is about to flip the script.
This real man is going to ask for help, something he never does.
This real man is going to express himself through this digital paper.
This real man doesn’t give a fuck!
My soul broken free from her grasp. No longer suffering from her indifference. No longer tortured by her infidelities. It breathes all alone now, savoring every fresh breath as if it’s the last. I’ve awoken from my hibernation, once again able to write and express myself. Opening my eyes to a larger world, no longer limited to her needs. Today I live once more, with a mending heart, but an insatiable lust for the new.
Today I let go. Releasing my grip on your empty heart. No longer will I make excuses for why you weren’t there, why you didn’t care.
Today I let go of the lies that I wanted to believe, my heart said believe, my subconscious said no. I deserve better, someone who will respect me and build me up...not humiliate me and tear me down.
Today I let go of the pain from each time you left to be with him, leaving both me and our children alone. Your selfishness ruling both your life and ours.
Today I let go of the love of my life, my soulmate, my everything. You let go long ago, I was just blind, holding on to memories.
Today I can breathe.
There are so many. Why didn’t I hold your hand? Why didn’t I tell you how beautiful you looked? Why didn’t I hear what you were saying? Regret is my life, an all encompassing feeling that I cannot shake. It eats away at me, slowly ripping me apart from the inside out. Regret is a bitch. Regret is me.
How can I show you the limitless love I have for you. Every breath of yours powers the beat of my heart. I worry of the example I have set for you. A man who is filled with love and compassion for others, but none for himself. How can I teach you what I don’t practice? Love yourself. Respect yourself. Always learn. Never stop growing. The way I treat you is the way you should treat yourself. Put yourself first, love yourself unconditionally and don’t settle for less than your best. I know what you are capable of. I hope you know it someday as well.
I see his face.
Not clear as day.
But clear as mud.
Laughing at me.
She says he means nothing to her. And maybe she’s right. Maybe he’s only a sexual escapade to escape the reality that our marriage became. Someone to provide pleasure where disappointment dwelled. She uses him like I use this forum...to vent.
I saw him.
The same face from the other night.
Only this time it didn’t scare me.
This time I knew who it was.
There is no doubt she will go back to him.
No doubt they will keep laughing.
No doubt it will still hurt.
No one to comfort me when I hurt
Such is my plight
Lock it in
Don’t show weakness
Can’t reveal how much I hurt
Need to be there for the kids
They can’t see me fall to pieces
Someone has to be strong
I have to keep it together
I can’t comfort you. You deplore me. I can’t hold you and tell you everything will be ok. You can’t even look at me. I can’t wipe your tears. You don’t want me to touch you. From afar, I feel your pain. From afar I pray that it goes away. From afar I still love you.
Limbo, where I reside. Getting through this week of fake smiles and insincere “see you next time”. There may not be a next time. This is my extended family, I care about them and they care about me. For a minute, I didn’t want to make the trip. My emotions would betray me and destroy her mother. But it’s our daughter’s first communion, I have to be here. So here I sit with her, knowing full well she wishes she was with someone else. She blocks her phone so I can’t see her texts, I’m not looking at what she writes, what pictures she sends him, I just laugh knowing that her actions betray her words. There may be some hope still to salvage what we once had, but I’m not holding my breath. We are ...
I pray you find peace. That you confront your insecurities and stop running from them. Not just talk about changes needing to be made, but actually putting in the hard work to make them happen. I still love you even after all you’ve put me through and I truly want you to be happy. Now, that’s no longer my job....it never should have been. Go through these difficult days, learn from them, look within yourself to make the changes necessary. Don’t look to blame others. For once, blame yourself and actually do something to fix it. You are a strong woman and I know you have it in you. You just have to find it. Believe in yourself like I have believed in you for 20 years.
Today you made your choice. Thank you. I needed that to finally open my eyes to the destructive person you are. I have shielded our children from most of it, but I’m afraid that shield has weakened. I am not weeping, no remorse in my heart. I am actually at peace. Finally my fragile psyche can rest. Maybe now I can begin to love myself and stop feeling like I’m a failure. Failure as a husband, failure as a father, failure as a man. It is what you were best at, twisting my thoughts into believing I was evil. Placing your shortcomings and insecurities on me and chastising for them. Thank you for letting me breathe, for letting our children know what they already suspected....they fall way ...
Is there still room in her heart? Has she forever thrown me out, stuffed our love in tattered luggage and tossed us to the curbside? Can our memories be spared a similar fate? She feels betrayed, I feel remorse. I couldn’t see the pain I was causing, she couldn’t see how hard I worked for her. Both staring at the portrait of love and seeing completely different things. Forgiveness, true forgiveness is a trait that’s rare in people, but an open heart will find a way. Right now that heart appears to have closed. I’m left on the outside, gathering my memories, wondering where to go next.
My little girl, thank you for being who you are. Eight years of inspiration is what you’ve provided me and I thank God everyday for you. You quietly snuck into bed this morning and lay with me, wrapping your arm around me and holding me...as if you were telling me “it’ll be ok Dadu”. No words spoken, just a feeling of love that I needed. You’ll never know what you’ve truly meant to me during these tumultuous days and nights where I feel despised, played and alone. Hope for salvation is fleeting, each day another piece of my heart crumbles away, but you fill that void. Thank you for being there for me at my weakest moments. I promise Dadu will rebuild that heart and give his unconditional love...
How do I pick up the pieces? My soul scattered throughout the cosmos. Every piece I find brings memories, brings heartache. The moments were fleeting, good ones went by too quick, bad ones lasted too long. They all make up who I am. What I am. I lay here on the outside of my universe grasping for breath...a reason for one. Never take love for granted. Take it for a ride. Take it out, let it experience the experience. Don’t bottle it up. Don’t put it away in a corner. It will wither. It will die. And when it does, and you fail to resuscitate it, you will remember what you once had. You will remember what you let go. Cherish every moment as if it’s your last....it just might be.
I miss laying next to her. Listening to her breaths fade to slumber. I miss looking at her face, marveling at how beautiful she is, wondering if she senses me staring. Each deep breath releasing the stress from the day passed. I miss touching her cheek with the tip of my finger, gently sliding it along that perfectly sculpted cheekbone. Each inch of her face softer than the last. I miss waking up as she rustles in her sleep, happy to be conscious for that split second so I can hold her closer, tighter. I miss her, not knowing if I’ll ever get to be by her side again.
Golpes al corazón.
Patadas ala cordura.
Putazos ala alma.
Quiero peliar por ella.
La cabeza me dice que no.
Lo demas dice que si,
que el dolor de perderla es nada contra la pena de no tratar.
Trembling, my hand sweating, my throat lumpy, I picked up the phone. “Hheellllo”, I mumbled, it was the scariest moment of my life. I was talking to the girl who made me smile with all of her notes. The girl who was on my mind all day, every day. The girl I was too scared to talk to. What if she didn’t like my voice? How could I ruin a great long distance friendship? But I did it. I had to hear her voice, fear be damned. A sweet, angelic voice answered back. She seemed nervous too. I awkwardly carried on a conversation, the entire time hoping she didn’t hate me. The words spoken that night, the topics discussed, don’t matter. They were secondary to the fact that I talked to her. I talked to h...
I listened to you speak of wanting to find yourself, needing alone time. I then saw you run to someone one else instantly. You lied to me. You made me feel terrible. You warped my emotions, twisted my mind and stomped on my soul. I gave you my everything and it was not enough, never appreciated. I hope you find what you are looking for with someone else. I tried my hardest to make you happy, sacrificing my own happiness for just a glimpse of yours. I have no regrets for loving you. You will always and forever be the love of my life.....and that’s why it hurts so damn much.