I want to know what it feels like to be loved and in love
Written July 28, 2013
Why do I live this life I am in. Why was this my path. Am I just being overly blind to the fact that I just have it good. I feel so trapped and alone while surrounded by many. How is this possible. How can one be in a world so full and be so empty. What is it I'm really longing for. What is it that will given life meaning. Its not love, Whats that! It's not wealth, just causes more issues. A sense of belonging, doubt it! So what is it? someone please tell me. I'm lost on a path with no true destination. Am I wandering in vain.
Found it be of my old notes. It's always a good time when I go back and read the oldies from few tears back. Seems like nothing has changed.
Hello dear friend Notepad
Guess it's me and you.
Returning back to my trusty notepad to spill all my thoughts, concerns, and questions. Sometimes it feels good to have someone to listen, maybe even give you advice but most will tell you what you already know. Why shed tears on shoulders that can turn and walk away, why pour out the mouth the words of a story from a bitter broken soul to ears that can not hear. Can not hear the unbearable pain of the inner me. I can barely express the words I want to say. Even harder to actually let sound escape my...
You've forever changed my outlook on life. I thought I Didn’t want children. I thought I didn’t want marriage. Now all those things sound so great now that they’re out of my grasp. You broke the news to me months after I’ve already invested my time, attentions, feelings..... into you! Did I not deserve the opportunity to make the decision for myself. I guess not because you decided for me. Now I feel I’m at my lowest. There are days I can’t stand to even look at myself. There a days when I’m in my best of clothes, wearing makeup, and a smile.....I still feel like I’m worthless. I still hold my head down in shame. And to think I had thoughts of there being a “You & I”. Silly of me to dream tha...
Most days my emotions are on one hell of a rollercoaster. I feel so much anger, rage, sadness, loneliness. Nothing as worst as this emptiness that has taken over my existence. Better off without ..... the minds says. As the heart, by its last tattered string, yells FIGHT!!! Fight...for those still left that truly care. Fight...For the mother that's fought so hard not to see you fail. Fight...Because giving up isn't the way. Fight...For the love you need will some day be given in return. Fight...For the hope that is lost shall someday present itself. As the hollow body of mine breathes the daily air of sorrow and grief, the tears flows like crashing waves on an abandoned island. I speak words ...
Tonight I sit here with my pain filled heart wondering how could this be? I'm still waiting to awaken from this nightmare. As tears well up in my eyes, my thoughts fill this restless head of mine. I replay July 3rd over and over in search of signs. What could I have done to change the outcome? I wonder the dark halls of my thoughts. I'm searching aimlessly in the dark for answers. As a true believer in karma, what could I have done so wrong for the light in my life to be stolen from me? As I struggled with my own demons, you came to my rescue. My once dark thoughts had been lit up with a single glance at your beauty, the embrace of your arms, and a mother's love no one could ever compare to. ...
It's you that makes my heart skip a beat
It's you that make these lips part to form a smile
Something so genuine that most don't get the luxury to lay eyes upon
It's also you that have made this weak heart bleed songs of sadness
It is you that has left me with needle and thread in hand
trying to mend a more than once broken heart again
Why can't I let you go
My mind says "you're dumb if you stay"
But my heart says I want more
What must I do to make the two agree on what's best
Someone help me, speak truth, and don't hold back because this body of mine is becoming restless
I often am lost in thought of what my life would have been like if you had never came about
But what's done is done and...
It's like I can't escape my thoughts. I'm physically present. However, my mind wanders among valleys of low dark places. With no light or silhouettes. I travel aimlessly through my thoughts. I want to venture out and speak the words that need to be said. But will these words fall on deaf ears? Will these words be felt so passionately as I feel. Will these words result in meager judgement? What words can really part lips that one has not already read or heard? I spread my lips to bare my soul but only to now feel empty and disparaged.
Some days I just want to slip away to somewhere new. Have a fresh start on life. I wish I could pick and choose the exact details to leave behind and permanently erase from my life. I'm tired of feeling this way. Happy days seem to be mythical in relation to me. I can't help but to wonder what Ive done so wrong in my life to deserve this. I regret a lot of things in my life. Most of all, I regret meeting some people. There are a few who have forever changed my life and not for the better. I have not grown stronger after encountering them. I have only learned how well to hide the pain. How to fake a smile, how to hold back tears of hurt, how to never fully trust another human being. I was brou...
Why do you continually turn your back on me
Why can't I seem to heal when you're out my life
Why is my every thought of you
I yearn to have you in my life
Tonight I weep tears of pain because you've become so distant
What have I done to earn this type of betrayal
What is that I've done so wrong
It's baffling to know I have lost you in my world
I long to feel your embrace
I want to know once more that you're possible to obtain
This constant hurt I feel without you is turning me cold
I need to know you still exist
Why have you forsaken me
I don't deserve the lonely nights without you
I vow this day forth that if you shall ever return, I will always cherish you
I'm asking humbly for you ...
I want to be the one that gives my all to you.
I want to be the one who wakes you to morning kisses
I want to be the one you wake up to and see just before you close your eyes
I want to be the one who holds your hand
I want to be the one who says everything will be okay when you're feeling down
I want to be the one who holds and comfort you
I want to be the one who expresses each day that I Love You without a doubt in my mind
I want to be the one whos proud to say that's my girl without any hesitation
I want to be the one who grows old with you
I want to be the one that's your one and only.
I want to be the one that holds that special part in your heart that no...
my heart is torn. I Love her so much but I can't dare to let those words part these lips. her heart belongs to another. it's so deeply rooted in this girl's world. I've really missed my chance at true love. I want so badly to be star in her eye again. I miss her. my heart yearns to feel her every touch, to be in the comfort of her arms, to feel those gentle kisses, to just be loved whole heatedly without doubt t by her.
I Love You JNM
I cant do this. Im leading myself back down the path of self destruction.
my eyes are swimming in tears of hurt that's been brought on throughout the years. my heart has wandered, become so frigid. the thought of love once more makes me timid. I want a love, all of my own. love that can take me to a place I've never known. I thought I had that place with you. we had our differences, so we parted ways. Now all I can think is, those were the days. the days where we sat around all day and had a laugh, not a care in the world because no one could impede on our path. but little did we know that it would be us who caused it all. caused our future to halt, crumble, and fall. we never took the time out to build on the things that were wrong. now all that's left are few w...
it's been a while since Ive really poured my heart out. for so long I have built, brick by brick, this emotional wall around me. letting no one in. over the years I have been betrayed by friends, broken by loved ones, and completely crushed by strangers.
I've become exactly what I said I wouldn't. my every thought is filled with you. my heart grows fonder with each passing day. it pains me to know this love I feel, I can't share. this love I feel is so deeply vested in one who's vested in another. I can't keep living this lie. I need to get away.
can't lie, I still do love you. I want you to be mine. I want to be the woman that grows old with you. that moment has passed. you're already in love with another and that would be unfair, not only to you but to her as well. I miss you. yes I do. I miss the simple talks. miss the crazy nights, waking up next to you, gentle kisses, being wrapped in your arms. miss knowing that I could be just Me around you. our time has gone and passed. I am not the one to break up a happy home or be a fall back. so live your life as I live for the memories. one day, I too shall find love as you have. I wish you nothing but pure happiness and love in your future to come. JNM
I don't think I even rate to be but yet I still am. You invite me out knowing your girl was going to be there, whom I knew nothing about. It's all cool though, its not like we're an item. You ask me about if there was a chance between us when you're already with someone. even if that were a thought, I wouldn't put myself back in a situation of being your side thing while patiently waiting for you to break it off. No thank you. I've told you Ive been hurt before and I'm not putting myself through that again.
feeling pretty lobely today but I cant complain. Its the life I chose. just have to accept and live with it.
All I can do is lay here, face wet of tears that will go untouched by the one I love. No one to talk to and lay words upon ears. I want so badly to part lips and let cries be heard but I can't. So im alone in a ball with nothing but memories to comfort me. I feel my life slowly crumbling around me. For a moment I thought I had it all planned out only to finally open close eyes to reality and no longer dreams of a world that could be
SOMEONE I TRULY LOVED ONCE TOLD ME I WOULD BE ALONE FOR A NUMEROUS OF REASON
FROM A PERSON YOU LOVE HUH!
WORDS OF AN UPSET PERSON
WELL THOSE FEW WORDS HAVE SEE,ED TO STICK WITH ME LIKE GLUE
SO HURTFUL BUT TRUE
IN SO MANY WAYS I AM ALONE
WHATS THE PURPOSE OF HAVING THESE WHEN YOU CANT OPEN UP AND TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL
I CAN HONESTLY SAY IM GUILTY ON\F SHUTTING PEOPLE OUT
WHY BOTHER SOMEONE WITH YOUR PROBLEMS WHEN ITS A GUARANTEE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN
TO BE TRULY IN LOVE IS NOT JUST SPEAKING THE WORDS BUT TRULY UNDERSTANDING AND MEANING IT