I AM BACK
I have been away for quite sometime now and was wondering what are people wondering. I am back and will be publishing some more
Its a new year and things have changed so much. One thing that hasn’t is my love for writing, thinking and loving.
Sometimes in life when in love you get so frustrated that even the word itself seems less to define the level.
You want it out but you fail to find a way. You can shout, scream, punch, run, drive, pull yourself apart but it goes away when your love comes beside you hugs you and squeezes it out of you but mostly this wouldn't happen.
You will be frustrated and they would frustrate you more by their talks which are full of themselves, their arrogance.
They would keep burning you till you get numb and dead within.
Thats what love do when its just one sided. The other side? Thats toxic.
A glass of whiskey, pure whiskey, and a cigar can be held at 2 moments.
If you are utterly happy and satisfied with your life or if your life seems completely destroyed, disrupted and pulled out of its very roots.
Mostly its because of the 2nd reason. Your life has been taken away by someone else. You're just a hollow vessle waiting on God to call you.
As I sit here the smoke fills up the room and the place where once my heart used to be is all smoky now. The whiskey, it goes down the throat leaving a trail of fire that I deserve for giving more chances than what people deserved.
I think I am done for the life and the next one? Well I wouldnt want to have it with the same double faced, lo...
She wakes up in the morning streching her arms wide open with a smile on her face. It looks like a baby waking up in a sunshine. The cutest. And when she wakes up she speaks and the sound of her voice.. Breathless. Her first word, when she wakes up, can hypnotize him enough to get her in his arms with her lips on his ears, her breath touching his neck, gentle enough to make him sleep, and stay that way till his life goes away. It can soothe the soul inside out. Its like taming a monster when she speaks in a sleepy voice. Gentle, seductive, baby like.
He can wait a thousand years and more to hear her whisper a word in the morning because he thinks she wouldn't understand but her voice, when s...
Barren lands. People are so much scared of them. Dark lands with dry soil and hot weather ready to melt you down to death and just before you would die you will be a meal for the creatures on that God forsaken land. Sounds so cruel, scary and ugly, doesn't it?
Let me tell you whats more scary and barren than these lands.
ITS HUMANS & THEIR HEART.
Nothing grows there. The soil is not pure, there is no light. Human's these days are just hollow vessels of revenge, anger, arrogance, ego & hatred. The worst part is they take pride in it and they don't let anyone see or feel it.
They would strike you when you are weak and walk with you when you are the strongest. They would put you down to...
LIFE IS PERFECT!
You don't have to make life perfect. Life and perfection cannot co-exist.
Imagine a life without challenges, fights, emotions, dramas, love, hatred, jokes, sarcasm, excitement, adventures.
Boring, isn't it?
You don't have to make life perfect or wait for it to be. Its perfect the way it is.
As I woke up today, i felt suffocated. I couldnt breathe properly and had a heavy chest.
I picked up my phone to call you amd realized its your absense that is causing this. Such a fool I am.
That moment it felt like my world just collapsed. I wanted to sleep and I couldnt and then it was just me, my dark room and some tears rolling down my cheeks with a smile on my face.
How can you be so cruel? I couldn't work things out anymore because I was tired of doing that. I was tired of ignoring your things, fighting with you. I was tired of telling you again and again how you need to get your tone set because it kills me. I was tired of telling you how you crush my heart and feelings when you ar...
Life tests us in many ways and that makes me in a continuous battle with it.
You leave the only one you love in your life and you expect them to look at why you are going but that is where your life would test you. They wouldn't care enough!
You give them your time, your care, your love, your soul and your raw self and get in return just a fire that they ignite and let you burn in.
The hardest part after you leave someone is waiting for the phone to ring and having them to apologize. Having them wanting you to stay. Having them show that they loved you too. They should know that you are mad, you are angry at them but you love them and you love them with all you have and they want to t...
Today is not a very good day. I feel the loneliest of all and its not good because I thought I had you.
You were always too busy in yourself or in others. You never asked how I was, if I wanted to talk. You never asked if I am okay, if I need you.
You never listened to me and never ended an argument. You never showed pure intentions in the care you had for me. You never loved me purely!
You always pinched my heart with the painful things you did that I hate. You have killed me within.
We never discussed stars and planets or the lost galaxies. We never pointed out the brightest stars or the patterns in the sky.
You were always too busy.
I gave you my everything. I think you ne...
She invaded me when my shield was down and she got right in my heart but i think there is a wall building up again. This time its just her lies and false hopes that are surrounding me, building up around me.
Its strange how blindly I love you even with all your faults and flaws and its surprising how you're so blind to see it.
It hurts, breaks me down but its okay.. I am too blind to see that too.
I am not sure of what is missing from my love. I love you in a way no one can. I say this because i dont need your body, i dont need your care, I dont need you as my show piece, i dont need you to be my public source of attraction. I say this because All I need is your presense in my life.
I have given you everything but I think its not enough. I think i need to find more. Because i cannot find a reason for you to lie to me, hide from me, hurt me, make me cry.
With every lie and every act you hide, you stab a knofe in my heart with its point to its core. But you know love is magical and my heart still beats but it just hurts a little more because with every beat the point of the...
She is a fire. A blazing fire and i was the hand around it to cover it up. She burns me up and is burning me wildly but i still cover her up for I love her wildly. Her fire is fierce and my love is wild.
In the end she will win, i know. I know I will burn to ashes and will be blown away but till that last second I will keep burning beside her, around her. I know I will lose this love and I am just containing a fire that needs to grow but I will let it once I turn into ashes. Nothing but dust, in love. She is my addiction and every addiction is fatal and I will be blown away but with a smile on my face as I will be burned only in Love.
I had a thought once that I can never be happy. Happiness; it does not exist. I thought we all fail miserably one way or the other and we need to go on. We need to fake our happiness. I thought God does not listen to us or look upon us. I was loosing all hope...
..i wondered if this is true because i started to feel happy. Yes! Happiness surrounded me. I felt loved, i felt someone cared for me enough. I felt someone has been sent to me from God. An angel perhaps, thats what they call the best of God's creations, the blessings. This is all when she came into my life. The dry desert was getting some rain, it got pleasent.
She came into my life as a blessing, an angel. I believe God lets you s...
There is a tunnel. A dark ugly tunnel with not the slightest of light in it. Its dark and silent. I can hear myself breath in the silence. I am here. All alone. I dont even see my own shadow with me. There is nothing for me. I continue to walk and walk and i think my legs have started to bleed. I can feel the blood gushing out but i cannot even see it. No one can. I am walking towards that light. A shimmery light towards the end of the tunnel that I walk to in hope to get to it. I scream, i cry, i fall but i get up again and start walking towards it.
This light has been there since the day I was born and I have been walking towards it from then but the sad part is I dont think I ca...
You will be held responsible for everything that you react on. Why you react, no one gives a f*+*.
People will push you to your limits and when you finally explode and fight back youre the bad guy, if you go numb youre feelingless and mean, if you do not react at all you dont care and if you tell them what happened you will be pointed out of all the places you reacted and you will either have to apologize or walk away.
Stay away. Stay safe. Feelings, love and purity can get you killed. The worst part is you do not get burried till you stop breathing. And there is nothing you can do about it.
And suddenly i realized home is in her arms. I realized i am deeply and madly in love when my home changed from my house to her arms. Home is not a place. Its a feeling and that feeling is right there. In her arms, with her. The warmth of the fireplace with a blankie when she covers me in and buries my head in her chest. The feeling of peace when she gives me a kiss and holds me tightly. The feeling of happiness when she looks up at me, stares into my eyes and smiles. The feeling of being rich whenever i look at her and realize she is mine. All mine. The feeling of a summer hot house when she gets on me, gets all wild. The feeling of a cosy bed when she pulls me over her, cuddles up her legs ...
And there are alot of times when you catch me thinking something, catch me staring at you and you ask me to tell you what is going on in my mind, what I am thinking.
If i tell you, you wouldn't believe it anyway and even if you do you will make a perception of it and sometimes you will not be able to handle my thoughts.
I think people should not ask for things they cannot handle and they should not ask for things they wouldnt believe in.
I think one of the hardest things to do is smile and talk with a person, make them happy, make them laugh and without letting them know that their actions are rotting you away.
*Happy New Year*
I don't get what is so happy about the new year?
Nothing. Just nothing.
Give it up. Give it all. Give her your everything and then stand silently at a corner and watch her throw that all in the bin. Watch her trash it away.
Don't stop. Smile and give whatevers left of you because she will, she definitely will get tired of throwing it away. Then take her in your arms, love her, and squeeze her tiredness away.
I wish people were real. The whole barbie idea has made the girls fake. The whole superman idea has made guys fake.
I wish people had more feelings. These days i see feelings being bought and emotions being sold.
I wish true love existed. The whole girlfriend boyfriend thing has made love lose its value.
I wish people meant what they said. Comedy shows and soaps on televisions has ruined it for us.
I wish faith existed. People think they believe but when time comes to show they are scared to try it.
I wish happiness existed. This world can do everything for other and cry themselves to sleep but cannot be themselves and careful to be actually happy.
I wish feelings were pure. These days ...
As I woke up this morning I had a smile on my face and do you know why? Because I realized i just got another day by God to spend with the most beautiful of His creations, with an amazing artistic human who I love, with the love of my life.
I got up looked myself in the mirror and thought what good did i ever do in my life to be blessed by you? I started thinking does this face that i see in the mirror, even deserve to be associated to such a masterpiece of God as you?
I thought and thanked God and went ahead with my day.
As i sat in my car and got pissed on why its not cleaned i realized how your arms can make this anger vanish in a milisecond. How you just hold my hand and ...
I thought you will be there when I will be down. You will be there to pick me up, to tell me everything is okay. I thought your arms would welcome me when the world would exhaust me. I thought you will kiss me out if my frustrations, sadness, tiredness. I thought..
Well, it was just a thought.
The weird part about everyone is that they will come to you and cry about how much they are trying and willing to make things okay for you and how things are just not in their favour and right after that they will do exactly what is not required of them to do.
You cannot do anything about it. You just sit back and smile at them. Not because you love them or anything but because you start wandering if youre the mad one or them.
Some people are so careless and narcissistic.
They do something and because of what they are doing A needle pricks them and when it does we bleed oceans in their pain because of our immense love for them but if we bleed oceans they will not be able to see that. They will be busy in cursing us for a needle pricking them for their own fault.
We are so lost we would still smile, apologize, forget and love them until we break away into particles of sand.
I know youre doing good because now you dont have to care of what I ll think. You wouldnt have to care about whatever you do with whoever you want to. You wouldnt have to think over what you did wrong to make me upset. Youre as free as a falcon. Flying around carefree, careless.
I am good too. You know why? Because now I dont have to care of what people say to you, about you. I dont have to care about what youre doing with who and I dont have to care of your actions because they wont have me react anymore.
I am good too. You know why? Because now i burn at a constant degree. I dont catch fire daily and then extinguish it in your arms and then I had to be on fire again. I was burn...
she would never know how roughly she pulls my soul out of my body; softly yet so sharply. She kills me within a thousand times when she becomes a public display of love and affection.
She would never know what daggers she stabs in me when she cares for anything or anyone other than me because she is mine and I am crazy. Crazy for her, crazy in love.
She would never know how it feels when she looks at someone and smiles because that smile shouldn't be there for anyone but me. Yes i am psychotic. A psychotic lover, a silly boy.
She would never know how many times she builds me up and breaks me down when she acts inconsiderate, selfish. She would never know the burns of the fire s...
I touch my window pane and its freezing. Its cold, cold as your heart and soul. Cold as of the soul of a man who is taking his last breaths. Winter make me feel cold because youre not there anymore to take me in your arms and make me feel the warmth.
When i look in the streets they are empty. Winds roaring across the streets with bulbs on and theyre lightening the emptiness.
All i hear in winter in my hearbeat in the silence. A heartbeat thats meaningless without you and I pass the winters hoping it would stop.
Its taste is of burned smoke and a shot of espresso. Soothing the soul of your absense and reminding what we were and what I was when I was with you. What life was.