|The daydreamer. The escapist. The daughter of Christ. A little eccentric on the side.|
As the oldest I have always been trying to do my best to be strong for all of us. I've seen the way my siblings crumble under the weight of your absence. I do too, and everyday I contemplate about my death. I contemplate of the ways I should leave but always end up remembering the way you'd cry. That probably breaks my heart more than the thought of my own death. I don't blame you. I've been able to live the life I've been living so far because you chose to work in another country, but I look at families that argue about which netflix movie to watch and I can't help but wonder if that day will ever come. The most mundane things to others are moments I've been forced to miss with you. I...
I'm always unsure of how I should act around you. We started off purely from infatuation then friendship with tension. I don't want to be a bother to you and your girlfriend. That's not my purpose, but I found a new friend in you and I can say that as much as a jerk as you were to your girlfriend I'm still a little bit envious to be loved that much.
How does it feel to love someone so much that the thought of her leaving makes you collapse to tears? I can honestly only imagine.
To be honest you are the outside element in my life that doesn't need to be mixed up with my drama. That's why I like talking to you. I get to forget about my life's drama. And just like that when we talk it feels...
She is pretty.
I've never met her, but I know how you talk about the way she curls beside you. Maybe that's why you love cats so much.
She is pretty.
I've never met her, but I imagine
the way she laughs through your words, the way she cradles her tablet close to her.
She is pretty.
I've never met her, but you tell
me about the greatest day when
you held her head. Nestled it
in between your love and pettiness.
You regret words you say. You know too much you just spill words.
But you love her.
She is pretty.
I've never met her,
but I can imagine she moves like art.
You tell me your sorries
like I'm supposed to hear it.
I placed all your tears in a jar
with no label.
How do I begin to tel...
I've always been afraid of the way I know I'm falling too hard for you. I try my hardest to push you away but you always come back stronger. To be honest, the thought of me loving you scares me. I can feel my body physically ache with longing to be held in your arms again. You are that home to me. People always expect me to be strong for them. I am scared by how you always manage to see every insecurity in my body even though all I ever wanted was to be someone you could rely on. I am afraid because I feel myself shedding everything I am for you. Slowly, you are managing to make me feel that home is where warm hugs and quick naps are. Because to me you are my rest.
Feeling ko may mga admin na pilipino kung Hindi naman may hidden sites or application sila na nag ta translate.. Haha
May sakit nga KO kanina.. Halos kalahating session nga natapos pagkain KO haha
I love you. Take care. Hindi magbabago ang pag ibig ko sayo.. Alagaan mo sarili mo araw araw ah?
Sa ngayon mahal, palakasan muna tayo ng loob ah? :) kung Hindi muna ngayon or bukas at sa mga susunod pang araw mapagbibigyan tayo, sa pagsasama natin patuloy Kong yayakapin ang mundo na ito kung saan nakakasama kita at nakakausap.
Mahirap. Oo aminado akong mahirap. Alam mo ba mahal kung ano nanaman ang kahibangang pinag gagagawa ko kanina? Halos wala ng tao kanina nung umuwi ako.. Pero Hindi ko to sinasabi para mag alala ka kundi para sabihin KO lang sayo na magpakatatag ka din :)
Na realize ko lang na hindi matagal ang isang linggo para sa nagmamahalan.. Kaya Alam Kong may pag asa at magkikita ulit tayo :) Mahal kita ng sobra! At Alam Kong Hindi na magbabago Ito kailan man.
I know I should have stayed longer when I saw you. It took everything in me not to hold you when you were crying. My heart was breaking when I saw you breaking into tears while you were asleep. Your heart is so soft despite being tough on the outside. I almost cried when you gave me fudgee bars. How are you able to think about me even when you're already crumbling inside? I'm always trying to be happy for you. It's honestly hard because I want to curl in bed and cry all day but I've always been a warrior somehow. I'm going to fight this battle... for you and for God. I hope you're proud of me. Actually right now I feel like crying and during these times I'd usually call you...
I'm always thinking that looking at the stars, skies, moon and sun would remind us of each other. I hope you remember my stories about the outer space whenever you look at the stars. Even though we are not together and we are not talking I hope you are comforted by the idea that we are under the same sky. We are looking at the same stars and moon. I've told God how much I wanted to tell you about the wonders of this universe. You know sometimes I dream of us swimming endlessly in this universe? We're both always trying to make sense of this universe. We're both always trying to survive. Just know that even if the world feels like drowning us I'm always willing to hold your hand...
Hold my thoughts. Keep them for me. They're getting too out of hand. The crazy thing about all this is that I can still feel how much you care for me even if we're not directly communicating. I'm thinking about you now just like all the other days. I want to tell you so many stories I'm starting to regret the days I didn't tell you more stories. There's a flying cockroach over my head and I'm ignoring it because I'm too busy writing you a letter. Why are we such hopeless romantics? I am not too sure myself. Maybe you understand why I like 5cms per second. I like the part where they write each other letters but I hope ours doesn't stop. Well I like writing you letters regard...
Almost everything reminds me of you.
Goodness, you made me cry so hard with your last text message.
I didn't cry out of sadness. I cried out of happiness when you said that you were willing to wait for me, when you said that you would probably never change but most of all, even in all that I can hear your voice saying words of concern like being careful about going to school or not wearing a skirt or dress outside especially when I commute. You are so caring and so so loving. I know that you've hurt me but right now for me it cannot compare to all the joys you have given me. Loving you always outweighs all its pain. I am sorry I cannot directly be there for you at the moment but ...
Words left to say
I have so many, many words I have left to say to you.
1. I love you.
2. I won't be there when you're crying alone but cry to God.
3. You're adorable when you smile. You're adorable even when you're not.
4. I'm in love with programming almost just as much as I'm in love with you.
5. Study hard. You're already much of a genius for passing without even attending class how much more if you do?
6. Thank you. Thank you for staying despite being in the eye of the storm.
7. You are my favorite kind of silence.
8. I'll miss your singing.
9. I'm always praying for your success.
10. Know that I'm always, always proud of you.
Back to you
I never thought you'd come back. Not after all the drama, not after all the tears I've shed, not after hundreds of letters I never sent, not after I've ranted to my friends but you're really here and you're always whispering to me the words I only ever heard in my dreams. You're holding me like I might break if you drop me. You look at me like it's the first time you've seen me even though we've spent so many, many days passing by each other. You're too wonderful. You cry for me when you're worried, you always check if I'm okay, you bring me food, you save pictures of me- every single one of them even those I deem as horrible, you always sing me songs, listen to my lengthy stor...
I miss you more than I can bring myself to care to admit.
I am able to go through most days without thinking too much about you but I can't help but imagine how it would feel to talk to you. I miss arguing with you. I want to talk to you but I have to learn to be content with just hearing your voice. Somewhere within me I'm silently praying you'd direct that voice to me. I hope you're happy nowadays. Does anyone or anything make you smile? Are you excited about the future? I miss your offbeat and off pitch singing. I miss your guitar. I miss your analogies. I even miss how you ignore me. I hope you would know even if I would never tell you... that no matter where I am, no matter what...
People always misunderstand you because you're aloof, insensitive, prideful and competitive. People wonder why you even after the pain, even after I feel like I was burned to the ashes before slowly rising up. People can always wonder and I will let them wonder for the rest of their lives because our memories were meant for us to keep or destroy. We weren't physical because I always felt like burning when even our fingers just brush. We bonded more emotionally and it's hard because I don't know how I'm going to cut it all off.
People say you're cold and anti-social.
They don't know that your genuine smiles are enough to fuel them with enough sunshine to last them for year...
Rain used to be one of my most treasured best friends but now I can't even listen to the pouring of the rain without remembering how your voice sounds over it. The rain was your voice's accompaniment. I can't help but remember the bench we used to sit on and how I was delusional enough to think that it fit us perfectly.
However, as I attempt to put myself to sleep I let the rain sing me lullabies even as I hear your voice laced with it whispering the words "goodbye." You suck at goodbyes. I don't know if you're just a natural heart breaker or I was just unlucky enough to catch your attention to help you move on. Maybe it's a mix of both. You've been unnaturally tolerant to me thes...
I wish I could go back in time and undo this. Fix this. Mend this. Stitch this. Repair this. I wish I could go back and warn myself to stay away from the boy with a few words but those few words he releases will echo in your heart forever.
All I can do is look forward to the future. All I can do is pray and pray and pray that someday I can wake up and look at you without feeling like I'm going to get a nervous breakdown.
Five years or ten years from now I am just going to laugh about this. It's going to be something I can casually joke about around other people.
But it's not this day, nor tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. I can't bring myself to label my...
I don't know what is it about lost loves that we all love so much.
I am a dead star to you. This much I know. I know you still can't forget about me because I feel that somewhere within me when you can't hold eye contact with me for more than even a second. However I can feel that what you are feeling is not the same as before. You don't feel quite the same anymore. You don't perk up as much anymore at the mention of my name, you don't like talking about me anymore and sometimes I see the way you look at her. Sometimes the realization hurts because you used to look at me the same way. We had words to say to each other that was just lost with time. I can confidently tell anyo...
... And I still struggle to sleep until this day.
You used to keep me up at night because of your text messages and the memory of you saying goodbye to me.
You still keep me up at night with our memories but instead of thinking about whether that would happen again tomorrow I'm thinking about when I'll be able to move on instead. My friends tease me that maybe I'll move on in 5 years... in 10 years... who knows maybe even until you get married. I used to be filled with many kinds of emotions whenever I meet you. I used to feel exhilarated, depressed and confused all at the same time but now it feels hollow and things are clearer than ever. My heart has gotten used to my sen...
I don't want you to know that I find myself smiling whenever you are around. There is something absolutely magical about every action you do. I don't think this is love. There are some things in this world that should be enjoyed without it being under a label. Some guys make me anxious whenever I meet them because I see the potential of being in a messy and hurtful relationship with them but with you it's different. I'm just happy around you. We don't have a history and I don't imagine a future with you but this moment here, this present time, I just like the feeling of our fingertips brushing whenever I have to lend my pen to you. I like the feeling of poking you in your arm whenever you...
Last night I didn't expect that you would be part of our evening. I was nervous and I started talking about things that didn't make sense even to me again. I started spewing the random things I've been reading from books and the internet. I started showing signs that I care again. It's hard. I can tell that you're attempting to be normal towards me. We had a short banter about whether your group was really going to leave me behind after I took ages to finish eating. That evening could have ended like any other night. I'm glad that D was there to be the mediator between us. I'm glad it's somehow a three-way conversation or else I would have melted on the spot. Sometimes I think m...
You know it's funny how you make me nervous when we talk when I used to have that as easy as breathing. Now talking to you seems like a luxury. When I was talking about Anime you immediately mentioned Durarara. Dude, I gave you the copy of that Anime. I recommended that to you. Do you know? a piece of me dies when I try to talk to you.
"So I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours I pray, to be only yours I know now you're my only hope."
You're probably going to end me someday. I know that you know. I wish I could take everyone's memory away. Why can you bring me to care about you? About the things that matter to you? Why do the things that matter to you matter to me too?
Our memories are slowly falling like leaves. I know that the memories we had before when we were still naive are now being replaced by new memories. You're slowly moving on. I wish I was as strong as you are. I know I can be jealous about a lot of things but honestly, the one I'm most jealous of is you....
"'Cause when the time is right you'll be here but for now dear no one this is your love song."
Dear Future Husband,
I can't bring myself to pray for you because I don't feel like I deserve you or anyone. However, it would be a lie if I said I didn't have fantasies of having someone care for me. Someone who won't have a bias. God is preparing you to be the best person you can be. God is teaching you to be whole so that your desire to be with me is not to complete but to appreciate one another as individuals. I want to say sorry to you because I am honestly lacking patience in a lot of things. I was naive and I broke my heart too many times unnecessarily even though I have never been in a...
We've been spending more and more time together these days. Well, along with the others of course but last week alone I was able to see you for around three or four days? Which is a lot to be honest considering how I only really see you during weekends during school days. Have I told you how much you drive me insane? No?
Well, you drive me insane. You break my mantra every single time I see you. No matter how many times I chant "I don't care" in my head when I see you every resolve I've ever had dissolves.
Why am I the only one noticing these sides of you? It's torturous. First, you repeat the things I say most of time, Second you interject in my conversation...
I'm looking at your picture while doing my thesis proposal for the nth time now. You really don't look anything remotely handsome but to me, you always seem attractive. There's a certain charisma in you that makes me want to look at you all the time. Do you know that whenever I look at you I feel the dire terrible need to breathe? Cliche I know, but you stop me at my tracks. Whenever I manage to steal glimpses of you without anyone knowing I feel like a successful thief. I always find ways to store your smiles in your heart. When things get hard I look back at our memories because ours is a memory that reminded me of innocence, of naivety and the things I'm capable of ...
The feelings I had for you are gone but from time to time I remember what it was like to write about you. That night I cried because of you and I remember how I wanted to scream at you because you didn't realize the amount of hurt you caused me. Anyway, that's all in the past now. No matter what anyone says, I've written so much about you I thought I'd bleed. I was so naive to the point where I was willing to go extreme lengths just to see you smile. You don't know most of those things and I don't plan on telling you. You're still a very special friend to me, a best friend who doesn't judge me. You know my darkest secrets, and my Achilles' heel. I'm forever thankful for your friend...
I am the girl you will tell your wife about. I am the girl whose heart you broke so you became afraid of love. You'll tell your wife how she opened your heart to love again. You'll love her right...because you couldn't do the same for me. I am the girl who is going to be just another memory to you, a lesson that you have to share so they wouldn't commit the same mistake. You'll try to forget me but there will be days where you'd be making analogies and your wife will ask how you're so profound. You'll serenade her but you'll subconsciously stay away from the songs that started this mess. You'll ask for her forgiveness because you didn't wait for her patiently. You'll apologize beca...
Why does it always feel like I wanted you more than you wanted me? I'm frustrated because I feel like I was alone in this throughout everything. Like I was the one who set myself on fire, and you were just watching it on the sidelines. Weren't you the fire that set me ablaze to the point where we simultaneously combusted just by being together? My fire's still burning. It's not intense enough to burn down forests, but it's there, it's warm enough to light up an entire room.
Don't you realize how you're more of an arsonist now? You knew I'd burn longer than all the other people you've set on fire... but I don't blame you. We were both too naive and happy to care about consequences, p...
I don't know if I'm writing because I miss you, or I'm writing because I think I'm slowly beginning to forget you. For so long, I have wanted nothing but to forget you, now that it has come to this I wonder why somehow it feels so empty. I'm trying to treat you normally now. However I cannot deny the tingling feeling I get whenever our fingers brush. Our fingers brushed when I had to hand over the spoons and forks to you. We exchanged smiles when we were practising at Church. We were indirectly talking about certain stuff like the book Sherlock Holmes. Maybe I am starting to move on. It doesn't mean I won't think of you. It just means that I am beginning to accept that all the memories ...