I don't know if it's the medication, or the lack of reminders,
But I hurt less today,
I felt pretty today,
And I ate lunch AND dinner.
At first I thought you would love me again when I was better, but I realized we're not meant to be together,
Some people just pass through our lives to teach us, and if nothing else- I fell in love more deeply than I have ever known,
And I finally got the help I needed.
Foolish and naive I was
Building castles in the future
With sand from an hourglass
Broken in your hands
It was too full
Time never changed
And instead of loving it
For merely what it was
You tapped and tapped
When the glass cracked
The pieces unable to withstand
The line blurs for me every early morning and every late night,
Between what we were and what we have become.
We were in love,
Now we're friends and lovers,
You said goodbye to the romance.
I still dream of waking up beside you.
Before you I had only nightmares,
Now the sweetest dreams leave me just as torn
Someone once said to me,
"a cigarette never tastes as good once it's been relit, and that's all I have to say about rekindling old flames."
I remembered this as I thought of you, and instead of calling, I lit a cigarette instead.
At least this one will be fresh.
I changed the background photos on my phone today, I couldn’t look at your face.
But you never changed yours at all, how am I supposed to feel about that?
How do I explain that the morning of the day you left
me, I was daydreaming and planning a wedding? A wedding I wanted, not the one I expected- how novel. You’ve never fallen this hard, and I’ve never fallen this hard… How can the fire go out? Just a few quick words and then a week without and now it’s over? We’re friends? What really happened?
I lied to protect myself, and maybe in a way to protect you too.
I did let you in, I let you in a long time ago, and all I did was fall deeper and deeper.
I love you.
I love you and I have to let you go. I can't keep telling my heart that it can love you someday, I can't keep carrying the weight on my chest.
I want all of you, as you are, and as you'll be in five years, in ten years, and I mean it.
I've never been good at goodbyes, happy birthday, Old friend. I love you"
All I ever wanted as someone to run away with my heart.
You did that, but you smashed it and hid the pieces.
There's still lipstick on the barrel of my gun from the moments I held it between my teeth.
I'll never clean it off.
But I'm saving those six pieces of lead for you darling.
A year ago tonight I sat on a cold tile floor with a gun in my hand.
I penned a short note and someone knocked on the door.
"Hey Sierra, it's after midnight. Happy birthday baby"
I'll never forget the person that saved me from what you nearly drove me to 5 years after I left you standing in that dusty driveway.
He really loved me and because of you, I hurt him too.
I didn't think I would hunger for destruction or crave the slow burning of suicide between my lips
But you took away my will to quit living.
I'll soldier on in your absence and in your absence alone.
I've been dreaming of desecrating your grave.
You're not even dead yet.
Every time it rains I remember how innocently we met, on a blind date, and how great the first few months were-- I fell in love for the first time.
I had been kissed before but not like that,
I'd been fucked before but never loved.
I trusted you and you did unforgivable things to me.
I still dream of the way you held me down.
I can still feel the bruises deep under my skin from late nights spent living under your rule.
I'm ready to be free of the agony.
Please let the passage of time erase all memory of you.
When the cold air blows like this
My hands ache with all the times I never fought back.
I'll give this letter to a worm. I hope it finds you.