Updates and Goodbyes :)
So I've been on this platform for about three years now. All of you wonderful people, you have helped me grow into a more thoughtful person and a more expressive writer. Lettrs helped me connect to those that mattered back then and lettrs let me scream out loud about my heartbreaks and betrayals, first times and everything in between with zero judgement. And i can't express how grateful i am for having found this platform and such a great community. So, thank you.
But i realized today that it is time to say goodbye. This place is a reflection of a younger, naiver version of me. This place holds evidence of me falling for people who perhaps nev...
The manner of my relationship with people, is this:
I meet them and somehow, through the layers of insecurity, inadequacy and self abhorrence that shroud my character, I feel as if they might actually appreciate my existence.
And with that happy thought in mind, I fall for them, harder than I fell for the last person I met and I am led to believe that I am of integral importance to their lives. That my affection, my thoughts, my words, my existence...it all matters.
And that keeps me going, that keeps me from jumping in front of vehicles for the thrill of it, from running a blade across my wrist to study how the blood flows from my skin, how physical pain feels...it keeps me going.
But one d...
Advice to my younger self:
No one will ever keep promises.
No one means the sweet nothings.
Don't fall for the sugar coating.
Be with those who cry with you
And laugh with you.
Be with those whose hearts you can feel
Breaking under your palm.
Be with those who rip themselves open
Just so you can have a taste of their soul.
I know you're as strong headed as they come and I know you only listen to one person, the one person you love. And I know you may not love me but hear me out.
I have been in your shoes and let me tell you, it doesn't end well. Your devotion, your loyalty, it is worshipped on pages but in real life, your blind trust will be your undoing. Your faith in the goodness of human hearts will come to stab you in the back.
Know that people never change. I have seen the deeds of the people you forgave so good naturedly, I've seen what they do to your heart once you let your guard down, even for a moment. Beware of them, darling, they're wolves in sheepskins and you will be left alone if you ...
Note to my future self:
Never leave things unsaid. Write, but never forget to make sure that those you write for actually get the message. Paint but never forget to let your muse know how beautiful they look through your eyes.
You have done enough of those things. You have loved shamelessly yet you have shied away from letting them know how madly you wanted them. You have hurt hellishly but you never let the ones who hurt you see how ugly the gangrene looked after they left you wounded and infected.
You have hidden behind words enough. It is time you make these words your mirror, not your shield. It is time you stand up for yourself and let the world see who you are. It is time you lear...
Poetry and memories:
It is amazing how our arts sometimes capture so much of ourselves in them. Going through them months or even years later is basically nothing less than walk down a memory lane.
Today I happened to be browsing my old poetry collection, from 2016 and 2017. I was surprised to see how they paint a swift, constant picture of my life over the past two years. In the half an hour I spent looking through them, I walked hand in hand with my past self as she tried desperately to survive crippling sadness, borderline depression, then healed slowly to fall hopelessly in love and how she walked through a heartbreak. I watched from the sidelines as my past played in front of me.
So it is that time of the year again when you say goodbye to one year and move on to the next. Bidding adieu to 2017 will be a little bittersweet for me. While this year has been full of hard times and 'lows', it has also taught me a great deal about myself and life, in general. I somewhat feel like I did on the last day of school, excited to see what opportunities lie ahead, what the future holds for me, yet nostalgic about leaving behind a place that has been so instrumental in shaping me as a person.
But change is inevitable, and truth be told, change is necessary.
So hoping for an adrenaline filled 2018!
Happy New Year
Sex and Virginity:
It's baffling how much importance we attach to sex, especially when females or first times are considered. Having sex, is a part of growing up into an adult, being able to make your own decisions, being able to decide which people to trust and which ones not to trust. When someone has sex for the first time, it should be a product of the mental state.
It is sad that in our societies, this very natural act is so over scrutinized and fussed about. One act of intimacy is seen as such an integral definer of a person’s character that sometimes we even wrongly judge the people we know by when and with whom they had their first experience with. In reality, it is not such a bi...
How long will you keep craving love? How long will you keep begging people for time, affection, attention? How long will you keep diminishing your shine in order to make others feel a little brighter?
Love resides within you. You are someone's center of the universe. You are someone's home. And that someone is not the person who makes you beg tearfully for every bit of affection. That someone will knock on your door, excited to be back home. That someone will dream of being in your arms every moment. Don't waste your love, your luminescence on people who don't have a heart, on people who are blind. Nurture yourself everyday so that you shine brighter than the day before.
Need help with blogging!
I would like to start blogging/microblogging. I plan on it to be more of an informal, personal space where I can do small op-eds, poetry, maybe even some short stories and journal type pieces.
Which platform would be best suited (other than WordPress)?
I'd really appreciate any help you can provide 😊
Old Sorrows And New Beginnings:
Every year brings with itself new challenges and new fruits. In retrospect, every year is a perfect amalgamation of the good and the bad. It is a tragedy of the human nature that we forget the little good things and remember the big bad ones. It would be so amazing if we could do an objective year round review. We would realize there are more things to be grateful for than we care to count.
I welcomed the year hopelessly in love with someone I thought was my soulmate, in one form or the other, and I'm bidding it adieu, loveless, estranged from the said person, yet, stronger and more content than I have ever been. It was a year of understanding how to eval...
As I stood leaning on the balcony rails,
Of the hilltop castle, that evening, late,
My eyes drifted
To the ribbon of mercury meandering away
Between dark, solemn hills,
The senile sun caressed my skin in a way
As if a lover trying to seduce me to stay
A moment longer, maybe an eternity,
To bind me to that place.
And perhaps for once in my life,
In that moment,
I wasn't afraid of chains.
Such maddening irrationality
Is rampant in the race of humanity,
Self proclaimed best of the beasts,
Yet worse off than many that live.
Such incredible cruelty,
Thrives in the minds of so many,
Even the fiercest predators shy away,
From the inferno that burns in their heads.
Mayhaps the arrogant fools,
Have understood things
Only upside down flipped,
And maybe this critical head,
Will be the end of this beautiful planet.
Art and her Demons
A small party arrived at my home,
Unannounced yet they were a gently lot.
Drinks poured, so did stories,
Memories and friendships were formed that evening.
And they came back each month for more,
For more merriment and more memories
And more of those unheard lores.
The second month was lovely fun,
The third too and so was the fourth.
But the fifth saw me scrambling for ale,
And on the sixth, I was out of food.
These friends of mine came with stories,
But never were they there to stand by me.
Only art stayed and she knew me well,
So after they left, to her I'd lament,
Of loneliness and the cruelty of men,
About how I never wanted to see them again.
Independence comes in various forms. And I think it means different things to different people. So I'll share my experience with independence(because I have nothing better to do).
The idea of independence first entered my mind through the freedom struggle of my country. So for a long long time, throughout childhood and much of adolescence, independence was the independence of my country. It was happy place, I must admit.
But as I grew into a more rebellious, solitude loving version of myself, the idea of personal independence took hold of me. And since then, it has consumed my thoughts. I associated personal independence with financial independence. I figured if I started earning mysel...
They are fighting silently,
In the desert, on the sun baked sand,
No bombs exploding,
No guns blazing,
Yet they keep fighting
With their lives, for their lives,
Silently they scream and die,
Tears run down earth coloured cheeks,
And they keep fighting with their eyes.
Zombies, you stand watching,
Like hands tied to your sides,
Lips glued shut, fingers crippled,
Like zombies with an empty cranium,
You stand watching,
While the earth men die, still breathing.
Such silence, such blindness,
I know not the meaning of this.
Perhaps in a world ruled by despots,
Humans have become sheep.
OF A STARVING ARTIST
The paint dries on his brush
As days turn to weeks and weeks to months
And months fade into years.
Long winters, frozen lakes,
And his paintings of beautiful women
With flowers upon their bosom,
Some unseen, fantasy, foreign fields,
On his canvas, came alive,
And settled in his haven.
Friends with dirt, feeding mice,
His paintings died slow,
In his dark dingy cell.
But his brush kept sweeping,
One beautiful stroke after another,
He kept playing God on canvas.
Now he is gone,
The paint dries on his brush,
While in a distant land,
Manicured hands pull two brushes
Dipped in rich, vibrant, red
Over the yellow of gold
And sell it for art.
There is something mesmerising,
In the first stroke of kohl on her eyes,
The way it fills her with pride,
And the way it makes him smile.
There is something empowering,
In her dusting of rose blush,
The way it makes her feel beautiful,
And the way it lights up his eyes.
There is something magical,
In every woman's hands,
The way they can create art,
So casually, in a moment's time.
The way they can fuel her,
To face the world,
With a sharp, winged eye.
If you ask me how I am doing, more likely than not you'll get the same old answer, "I'm fine". But really, I'm not fine. How can I be, if I wish every night to be the last time I close my eyes? That isn't fine, now, is it? But how do I tell you? I'm scared. I'm scared of you ridiculing my 'pain', saying people have worse things to deal with, saying I have a perfectly fine life, saying I don't have the right to feel this way because I have everything. I want to scream and sob and smash a couple of glasses...but then, I think, you'll ask me, "what's wrong?" and I'll say, "Nothing," because nothing is wrong. This is just the way I am. This is just the way things are and this is just how I feel, ...
There are dreams and hopes you harbor as a child. There are castles you build and worlds you create in your head, hoping that one day you will be able to live out all of those dreams and go on all of those adventures.
But as time goes by, you grow up and you realise that the dreams will just remain in your head. You desperately cling on to them, feeding yourself the delusion that one day it will be possible. One day time won't be the fugitive it is and life will slow down enough to let you breathe, to let you dream and built and explore.
But day after day pass away in monochrome until one day you look in the mirror and spot the first streaks of grey in your hair or the first few wrinkles ...
I feel like there's nothing sadder than beautiful people feeling worthless. I don't mean beautiful from the outside, but beautiful from the inside. Ironically, those with the most beautiful minds end up feeling the worst.
I often wonder why it has to be this way. As if nature creates everything with a catch. You have a beautiful body but you end up with a malicious mind. And if you have a beautiful mind, you end up with all the self hatred and doubts in the world. Perhaps it's keeping with that fundamental law...nothing can be perfect.
So to everyone who feels worthless, and my love, you are absolutely gorgeous. Love yourself a little, you deserve it the most of all.
Dear John Green,
I'm not usually a fan of romance novels. Simply for the amount of clichés they have.
But Fault in Our Stars has to be one of my books in spite of it being centered around love. I adored your the way you could make readers feel whatever you wanted them to feel. Love, pain, heart break, sorrow.... Loss... Everything.
Towards the end, when Gus's condition starts to worsen, I felt as if someone I knew personally was going through that sort of pain. It is incredible. Reading this book was truly a wonderful Rollercoaster ride... A beautiful experience.
Thank you for blessing us with these masterpieces and reminding us the value of life and love and everything in between. :...
So, the day of love is here and it has me thinking about a lot of things. But those are not to be voiced right now.
Right now, I want to express how grateful I am for having you in my life. I can't imagine life without you. I don't want to try anyway, it's a bleak world that way. You make the world a better place to live, filling it with life and happiness. I can never thank you enough for supporting me the way you do, nor can I express the love I feel for you in simple words.
So I'll leave it at a simple "I love you" and hope you understand what I want to say.
So I met this guy about 4 years ago. Despite me being sceptical about him, we hit it off gradually. He became my best friend. A constant support. Someone I could rely on blindly and someone who stood by me through thick and thin (and my swinging-like-a-wrecking-ball moods).
But we'd both had unsuccessful love lives. I don't know who more, between the two of us, but let's just say, both were pretty much done with the shenanigans.
Then, last October, it hit us in the head. Maybe we were looking for love in all the wrong places. We'd overlooked what was right there all along. We'd been so engrossed in the idea of love and companionship, we'd missed love itself.
And that's how it started....
"Tomorrow" is quite a promising word, really.
But for me "tomorrow" is another excuse to put off what needs to be done to progress.
For me, if there was no "tomorrow", I'd be at the top of the world today.
We use it so easily, don't we?
But have you ever though what believing in luck does to you? It can take all your credit and be a dumpster for all your mistakes.
Your hard work can be discredited in a minute by that nagging voice in your head, telling you "It wasn't your doing, you just got lucky."
Your mistakes can be easily overlooked in the name of bad luck.
What do you learn from bad luck?
But you could've learnt a lot from your mistakes.
So choose wisely. Do you really want to believe in luck?