I really missed you today.
I slept and woke up thinking about you.
I missed your long tight hugs that only comes by when it really matters, the kind that would retract every promise I made for years.
You're the only person who never ruined songs for me. Everyone after vomitted to all my favorite songs, tattooing themselves into the rhythm, trying so hard to exist in this life that I built by pushing people away.
You are my favorite missed chance.
You are my forever muse.
Our friends teased, implied and pushed us to be something we're not.
Even facebook came up with the same conclusion, putting you on top of my list as you're supposed to be. I wonder if I'm on yours.
Everyone reacted the same way,
Everyone expected the same outcome,
EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU.
I miss you.
You have no idea how much.
I know you're just 3 clicks away
and how I could just easily say "Hi"
but trying to walk away and holding on is hard enough already
It's been six fucking days.
six fucking days of minimal effort,
giving the go ahead, and
the loudest silent repeated muttering of "please don't go" I have ever heard.
This is not me not accepting our fate of whatever this was or is.
This is me missing the first person who ever kissed me, the first person who held my hands like its supposed to be, and the first person to want to want to be with me but not really.
I have to pretend like I don't really care that I'm losing you. Losing us. Losing again period.
I don't know, ...
Im sorry for not realizing it sooner.
By the time I realized the depth of my feelings, it was already too late.
You already chose him.
I went over how I was going to say goodbye to you a million times.
None of the scenarios in my head made sense.
None of it leveled up to how important you are
I guess, theres no right way to say goodbye to someone you truly care about.
You just have to do whatever it takes to make the moment be as meaningful as possible
I hoped it couldve been a different story.
It was a series of concidences and the stars did align.
That's why it was so easy to think like that,
To think so much of what it really was.
That's why every single line, every somewhat gentlemenly gesture
or boyfriend-esk move was made into puzzle pieces.
Little did I know,
I was making your scattered pieces into pieces of a puzzle that only existed in my head.
Moving on is finding a version of the story where in you can find it in yourself to accept it no matter how wrong it is. It is just you finding an alternative ending that you can be okay with.
you knew me
more than i hoped you would
i'd never purposefully hurt you
but if i did,
and i guess i did,
I hope I could take it all back
I hope I could take back all the cards you laid out in the open.
I hope I could touch you without feeling like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces
I hope I could be with you without hurting you or hurting me.
You were the one who had something to say
You were the one who decided to break the thin ice we were standing on
I don't know why you had to put all the weight on me, I don't know why you had to open up wounds we hid for so long.
Was it so wrong that I chose the safer path?
Where we still had something to fall back on?
I know that ...
Happy Birthday Baby Girl,
I hope you never feel the way that I'm feeling right now. I hope you grow up happy. I hope you're always surrounded by people who loves you so much and never fails to make you happy. I hope you never lose sight of the good things in life. I hope one day you'll experience life and not be afraid to be your complete self. I hope you fulfill all your hopes and dreams. I may not teach you anything worthwhile in the span that I'm with you, but do know that whatever its worth, I love you and only hope you the best things in life. I really hope you don't face the same fate I had growing up. I hope the best for you baby.
I'm crying in a room full of people I care about.
I don't want any attention
just to be seen.
I didn't promise you anything
you just thought that I did.
Maybe it was just how we always left things unsaid that also felt that we also had built- in promises in our words
but we didn't mean anything
you just thought that we did.
You are not allowed to judge him, act like his opinions mean nothing, make fun of him in front of me
You may have different opinions on how he decides to raise me but he was there when all of you were not. He was the one who was always been there for me. He’s the only who knew what I was doing and how was I feeling these few months.
You have no idea how down I was these couple of months. And we’re you there for me? Did you even bother asking me?
Sorry if I have no patience in your selfish, close minded perspective of who he is.
Yes, you may think that there was a time that he may have mistreated me but what did you do? Did you do something to make everything okay?
No you didn’t.
You never ...
I don’t know where our love story came from
I don’t why it was so unrelenting, it was impossible to avoid
I don’t know where it disintegrated into.
Nothing ever goes away, those feelings didn’t just went away, those memories didn’t live in those photographs of what was left.
Your feelings of love and hope didn’t transform into another great love story or another form of affection to someone else, you transferrd it all to me when you left.
All that feelings didn’t just disintegrated into thin air,
I was able to gather all of it the day that you gave up on us.
Sometimes it’s not about you
It’s not the relationship that matter most
It’s being able to push through seeing it through the other’s eyes
That sometimes it is not you that they need
It’s someone or something so much bigger than you
More important than whatever it is that you have.
I never really fully understood the meaning of having to let go of something that you love until we happened
I realized that it wasn’t me that could give you the happiness that you deserve, whatever it is that we had or however deep our feelings were, even if I loved you so deeply and maybe you did too,
I knew that there were something much greater than what I could give you and that would make you happier than ...
It hit me
Someone might be interesting enough that He’ll over power every piece of you that left.
Maybe I’ll be too in the edge of my seat to realize that with the few glances I’ve stolen
I replaced you.
But when I see him,
I think of you
I think of how similar you guys are
You both gave me feelings of uncertainty that no one has ever given me before.
I’ve always been the person that knows,
But with you two,
I’m at a lost.
I’m scared of falling into something
I know will only give me
And hurt in the future
Cuz’i know that he’ll never be interested in me
And like I knew that you’ll never love me as much as I do
I’ve been down that rabbit hole..
And i don’t inten...
I won’t say yes because
my thoughts aren’t finalized enough to burden you
with the idea of
what we could be.
I just know that
It couldn’t hurt if you were the one who’ll
finally fix all my broken pieces
I’ve tried ignorance and denial for the longest time,
the chemistry of what seems to be the two of us is certain.
i like you
even if nothing else makes sense.
Belated Happy Birthday.
I just want to let you know that I miss you.
And I hope I can personally greet you but we both know that we're both past the point where we can have an innocent conversation without the past haunting us for truth. I hope you enjoyed your day with loveones and laughter. I want you to know that I still pray for you. I don't pray much but when I do, I always make sure to include you. I want you to know that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Honestly, and not to sound too melodramatic but even if it's not with me.
I want you to understand that me staying away from you isn't about moving on from you or about protecting myself, it was always about giving you a ch...
I don't know how to coexist in an environment where I can't be myself. I can't even walk 5 steps without someone criticizing the way I go about my day, my appearance, values, habits...
Even if I do everything exactly right ( the way they think is right), somehow someone still find fault in what I do.
As much as I want to be present and content in this life, I can't seem to appreciate everything else in my surroundings. Him.
I woke up today in a dream where with just being me, completely occupied, busy, annoying, someone noticed me, someone appreciated who I was in the midst of the chaos and with the overcrowded possibilities waiting for him, he chose me. I'm completely innocent of the moment that was going to happen. I was waiting for you to go into the car and go like all the others.
But before you did you sang me a song whispering into my ear in shock, I know the song but I couldn't identify what it was even as I awake there were only 2 phrases stuck in mind, "just friends" and " I love you" I was completely in awe. Maybe we don't realize how we touch the lives of others. Maybe by just being you somebody else...
Today it's okay to think about you. It's okay to feel like I need to talk to you. Today I feel like asking you how you've been, how you were and are you okay?
You've asked me this a million times. I don't think i ever asked you once.
Today I watched movies that you like that maybe I like or I just like because you like it. Anyway,
I just wanted you to know that today I feel like you.
Sometimes I wonder
If I just imagined you.
If I ever really touched you, or if you really loved me.
We didn't have a label.
We were just two people, hopelessly in love,
Two people who wanted to be everything then ended up to be nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if I just imagined you, I just imagined how I lost you...
Everything that I've done since the beginning of our so called ' relationship'
Was done to protect you, to protect this image of you,
my idea of you,
of what ive known you to be
or at least what I hope you are.
Everytime I come closer,
Everytime I break a certain distance, I ruin you.
I love you a little less,
I give myself a reason to let you go.
In my mind, as long as I keep a certain distance from you.
You are my muse,
you are still the man I hope to be with.
In my mind, we were meant to be.
You are the one that got away.
As long as we're apart,
We live in our own versions of the love we will never forget,
We get to write the story, get to fill in the blanks,
and we get to tell t...
All we have is false hope, somedays, and maybes
We can't live in the future like it could suppress the difficulties of the present.
We can't live in the false pretense that maybe, maybe someday we would a dream.
I never thought it'll be someone else,
I planned this false future with you like it was set in stone.
I shared sleepless nights, 6 hour long conversations with you.
I never thought that one day,
Memories of cold coffee wouldn't be shared with you.
We faded like sunsets and we shined like twinkling stars on a quiet night.
I saw sparks outside of you,
I just thought I'd look.
What I didn't expect was to find comfort in someone else in the way I thought I could only have with you.
I just realized how far of a distance we are not until I was this close again.
I had to play the villain
To spare you of the thought that you were the one who gave up on us.
It was black and white
Right or wrong
Sticks and stones
Denial is not the issue,
It's ignorance of the following truth;
I was and always will be in love with him
They forget to ask, consider the mere fact that It was something that I had to do
Otherwise, it wouldn't even be an option.
It was me and him
Me or him
Never them and me
But would always be, him and them
Maybe its deserving,
Maybe its fit.
Maybe forced reciprocation of pain was needed
Cards were already dealt.
Paths were raked with caution
And to protect the supposed victim,
Death of the opposed was necessary.
There's something poetic about being unwanted and criticized,
That's one way to look at it.
I feel like by just being me, just being completely myself I attract more and more haters. I attract more and more criticisms, rumors, and judgments.
I usually one to brush the opinions off but sometimes, it sticks, sometimes you encounter so much at times that you've come to consider a lot of it true.
Maybe I'm the problem.
Maybe there's a reason why people don't go the extra mile to talk to me or to be with me. Maybe I come off as arrogant and dramatic for a reason. Because it's true. Because I think too much and I do stuff that buries me deeper and deeper in paths I can no longer come out off.
I'm not one to let things go unscathed.
I have to see it through, I can't just peek and let it go
I have to feel its finality
I can't leave things unsaid, undone, untouched,
I have to try, to wait for the time that I'll be in that place where I am comfortable with the last piece, the last goodbye
I still believe that you were the one I've always wanted to be with
For that, you'll forever be the guiding star
That for the following, may they shine half as bright as you do in my heart.
Hope that I'll remember them as clearly as I remember you
I remember that night more than I remember the last few days, the last few hours
You'll always be Jessie
And I hope you'd one day consider me as Her.
When we parted ways
You left this invisible wall,
Everytime someone else comes a tiny bit closer to where you were
I automatically stop it.
I would walk away,
Because it's not you when it's supposed to be
I don't feel hurt or pain or passion towards anyone else but you and you taught me to never settle
So I never did.
I would always in the back of my mind see you as the sun and figured,
Anything less is not worth my time
Anyone who's not me is not worth yours
This is selfish but right.
I listened to your favorite song today.
Suddenly, I remembered what its like to be amongst your presence
Like I was back there with you ear to ear and a feet away to collision
I was back at that bus talking to a friend about this particular song and she said; I think it's for you.
And every inch of my being is praying, hoping it to be true.
I could just see you amongst the crowd, listening to this song. Everybody's preoccupied, and there you are trying to reach me, call me before the song ends.
I don't know why you called me, or what you intend to tell me that night.
All i know is, if the call came through and I answered, it would've been the perfect time to say the words...