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September 15, 2018
New York, United States

Giles was mean to me today.

Giles yelled at me.

"Pick up that Fucking bacon", he screamed.

"Jam that spoon betwixt thy faithfulness".

Giles is a mean man.  Some might call him a meanie.

I smoked pot with Giles' wife one summer afternoon and she proceeded to tell me his whole ordeal.:

"When Giles was young", said Nester Sweetheart, "Giles frequently had trouble in school, mostly due in part to his excessive farting, forcing gale force burrito laden winds beneath his so called 'arse wings'.  A passing of gas so pure and violent that the hair on his  principal's balls (named Ebenezer and Dave respectively); they would bristle against his dungarees, summoning an unwonted erection".

I cried...

NEVER FORGET
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September 15, 2018
New York, United States

Giles was mean to me today.

Giles yelled at me.

"Pick up that Fucking bacon", he screamed.

"Jam that spoon betwixt thy faithfulness".

Giles is a mean man.  Some might call him a meanie.

I smoked pot with Giles' wife one summer afternoon and she proceeded to tell me his whole ordeal.:

"When Giles was young", said Nester Sweetheart, "Giles frequently had trouble in school, mostly due in part to his excessive farting, forcing gale force burrito laden winds beneath his so called 'arse wings'.  A passing of gas so pure and violent that the hair on his  principal's balls (named Ebenezer and Dave respectively); they would bristle against his dungarees, summoning an unwonted erection".

I cried...

NEVER FORGET
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I fell in love with an amazing person yesterday.  The day manager at Home Depot gave me pills that sent shivers up my arse.

"I once was lost, but now I'm found", cried midget Republicans looking for good drinking water while sucking on water chestnuts "unsnarl thy tiny typhoid beard", cried an NFL hating republican with dentures and a subscription to Time Magazine whilst ailing and sipping on Tom Yum Soup.

"Andy, where are the cheese fries?"

"You nasty, ungodly, unforgivable penis hugging republicans who will do anything for a buck, buck sow Walter his quarters for laundry and furthermore, republicans who lack a bold penis mentality, whose lack of crotch stuff leads to hate for no football...

SUMMER IS AN ADVENTURE
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I once went to a high school prom dressed in platform heels and a Howard Stern mask while giving people a "funny salute".

Jesus L Ron Hindenburg HIMSELF!

NEVER FORGET
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I once caught the mayor wearing a jump suit to an unknown prom within the city limits.

"Why, why, why, WHY!" I could be overheard whimpering in the corner of a restroom of a gas station in Jersey whilst wearing pants and testicles.

"Where are my picket fences and what happens to babies when they become governors?"

I never had a baby but I used to draw pictures of them when they became republicans and it made the general public sad and heave with an uncertainty.

"If these babies were NFL footballers and had big big big footballs", I'd pray to a god of unknown origin but one who'd smell like a beef torta and shell out buffalo chips like they were the last can of sardines on a life raft duri...

I LOVE YOU
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I was busted last night like a lead ballon on crack!

Yeah, I voted.  Straight ticket socialist.  

I was caught ball and teering with a few unknown suspects who might have been mistaken for twin Daves.

"Fat David", my mother once called him.

"If only he showered, he'd be a handsome man".  

But Dave ate 29 hamburgers before February.

NEVER FORGET
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

Most of my manager hey you my pizza sent about talk to my girl

I'm sorry I don't know you too but you don't have a problem

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

Old  oh he did change up the check

I had sex with the fucking make shit but I wanted to be in the store whole recordAnd the person at the United States and I want

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

Hey can you girls come in through the fucking train with the cops look at me and now I want lettuce to feel a fuck if I don't work

I need Vicky's up in this shit I like my hip pop song let Crips

Any side jobs in the

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

I had sex with a fucking foreign agent and I decided that was cool because I would eat pizza at a train station and that I would eat up the game present it

I had two guys that want to make out with me but they were fat and having hersome of the girls don't want people

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

C couple of times I've decided that that was not yet laptop that nap but not enough Motherfuckers in the hose going where or how we're going to win tunnel and Joseph I am lotta ZCG who is that no batteries Nakamura this Lou Bass is a bitch he's a guy he's a bass player who doesn't know how to play long tongues is a friend of a friend but he doesn't know I don't eat that Jayda

his letter is about Larry Craig.  Who remembers that munchkin?

Larry Craig was a Saint until he wasn't one.  That said, he led four lives.  One, a ball boy, two, an a copy editor for Baskin Robbins, three, a Saint, four, the absolute worst guy you shoved a small man on the train and later rebuked said small guy g...

GREAT THINGS
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September 5, 2018
 

Bob Woodard is a national treasure who chronicles the most important events that our country faces. Since "All The President's Men", his laser focus on the presidency has resulted in over a dozen books that have shed light on the men who have run the country and the controversies they created that gripped our nation.  For over forty years, he's unveiled the truth in a non partisan fashion.  In an eloquent manner, he describes the behind the scenes interplay surrounding the presidency and the nature of delicate negotiations which presidential advisors navigate to move forward certain agendas which may or may not be in the public's interest.  Often times, his books are a bitter pill to swallow ...

#REBUILD PATRIOT'S DAY
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September 5, 2018
New York, United States

Salty Chips?

Digs in like a Kelly Gruber or the speed of Gary Petis!  Like a bad flu!!!!

KISS KISS
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September 5, 2018
New York, United States

Item dot not available....

Are you?

ORIGINAL
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September 4, 2018
New York, United States

"I don't depend on my pants to cause me problems. That's for my shirt to decide.  I mean, just listen to this: my cat is a butt poking fool with an appetite for cheese, hot dogs, and Reddit articles about lobster boys.  Have you seen them lobster guys gather around the docks at lunchtime?  My pants give me problems from time to time, sure, but my shoes create other problems for me too.  More inspiration is required to figure out why.  My cat thinks so and I agree.  I think those food loving, no pants wearing lobster boys have deep problems of their own which cause my very own pants to tense up."

"Why", asked Mr. Bonobo.

"Because I said so", whispered a frowning Craig K. of Union Square Del...

GREAT THINGS
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September 3, 2018
New York, United States

Dear Charles Ives,

I had a great life, I mean, I had a great love of Ives.  Charles. Not a Gold Struck of a Gold Shlagger, but a beef cake.

My days ate my future. My cat ate my pants.  I know not yet what lies asunder but this I know. People propose things that your fingers should never know!

Put your hands in your basket.
Stretch your legs and feel your man breasts.  Make breaststrokes with your mommy.

Put your head between your hammerhead shark of an orchid like miles davis AKA david lee Roth crotch lookalike contest and break wind til Bryan yells "that's enough you punk bastard; skybox and all with golf clubs up your anus, drop and give my 50 dollar bill a bowl full of jelly with Wilt...

MAKE IDEAS HAPPEN
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September 3, 2018
 

Dear Charles Ives,

I had a great life, I mean, I had a great love of Ives.  Charles. Not a Gold Struck of a Gold Shlagger, but a beef cake.

My days ate my future. My cat ate my pants.  I know not yet what lies asunder but this I know. People propose things that your fingers should never know!

Put your hands in your basket.
Stretch your legs and feel your man breasts.  Make breaststrokes with your mommy.

Put your head between your hammerhead shark of an orchid like miles davis AKA david lee Roth crotch lookalike contest and break wind til Bryan yells "that's enough you punk bastard; skybox and all with golf clubs up your anus, drop and give my 50 dollar bill a bowl full of jelly with Wilt...

MAKE IDEAS HAPPEN
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September 3, 2018
New York, United States

Sometimes I like drunk people who love to be proud of themselves.

One time a met a hooker who had a thousand dollars.

I love old people with money and lots of pets and went to Loyola.

I had a foot doctor who was so proud he shot him self in the foot because, "what the hell", said grandma with a bad ulcer.

There were so many old people at the May Day Parade that Hulk Hogan had to change his own dirty disharmonious diapers!

One time a dove took forth and hit my ear and I lost my composure and my computer.

"They'll never fire me", cried my friend with a pellet gun and a bottle of home made gin as he entered the tarmac.

THE END.

1).  Big Red.
2). Frankie Bag of Doughnuts,
3). Am orange ho...

YOU ARE AWESOME
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August 31, 2018
New York, United States

Several days ago, I had an interesting thought. What if I could jump off a moving train and then land on a large dog. (I do have that dog). I'll chase a cat and that cat would jump into a pool and then I'll have the dog that I landed on also jump in the pool.   This would help me forget what I was doing in the first place.

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MAKE IDEAS HAPPEN
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August 30, 2018
New York, United States

You goofs!  Where did they come from?  Weekend getaway gone!  Summer vacation, gone!  Pizza and breadsticks, gone!

The goods shall never be in trusted to the goofs!

SPEED IT UP
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August 30, 2018
Denver, United States

Roger Daltry took command of the plane.  But he also took a bunch of drugs right before take off.

Roger had been a pilot of a big pink (or so he thought) 737 for TWA, then later Delta, but he always kept his thoughts focused on a manta that guided him throughout his professional career: "let's do a bunch of drugs right before take off." He did this with such ease, that captain Roger Daltry would frequently fall asleep at the adjoining bar near the gate.  

Most of his drug intake was done in a secluded employee bathroom with only one stall.  Once he assumed a huddled position near the commode, he would light up an old crack pipe that his father gave him on how thirteenth Birthday.  Then, in...

REAL MEN DRINK WHISKEY
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August 29, 2018
Denver, United States

Sir Madame Secretary,

I love you.  You represent the best of the best, the idea of the absolute least of you still sends shivers up my spine.

CLINTON
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August 29, 2018
Denver, United States

I love it when old people have a good time. I like it when a blind man sings this song to an old man. I like it when old man with big hands punches the wall. I like it when old big man fights little man and Winds.I like it when the old man makes a funny face and then get into a fight with a cashmere dog.  I like it when old men and women get really happy and start getting drunk and cause problems for traffic.

MAKE IDEAS HAPPEN
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August 23, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

I want to smoke an e cigarette.

I really want to smoke an e cigarette.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART
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August 23, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

Klondike Rush 1987.

It was a cold night at the chocolate factory, deep in the mountains of Pennsylvania.  I already rushed to the local grocery shopping place to purchase contraception, but alas, there were no women around.

I fumbled with my football before realizing I was indeed naked and locked inside a chocolate factory, not unlike Forrest Blue.

I didn't care. I had my contraceptives and ginseng.

Suddenly, a small wart appeared on the kitchen counter.  "Funny Tarek", I said to myself.  I started to bleed from my mouth and then I realized I had to drink .  Lots of water.  Lots and lots of water.  Hydrogen some might say.  Lots of giveaways at hobby lobby.

For five dollars, I can give a...

FOLLOW YOUR HEART
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August 23, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

Call me Jeffrey or jumpy or Winthrop or a salivating child, I want to marry a Korean at all costs.

LOVE IT
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August 23, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

Once upon a time there were five guys in a pizza parlor.

Excuse me while I retire to the John....

Cheers,

Dad

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FROG
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August 23, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

Dear Ass Hole Saint Nick,

As a large child, I had a problem with authority and wanted to throw my weight around.

I took to the streets and demanded payment for services I had not yet rendered.

I met two men dressed in olive colored suits, whistling songs not yet written and they were beckoning a large man to unleash his withered gas upon a poor, poor older gentleman.

I threw up just before I wrote this letter and I called the Dallas police and asked them where babies came from.

"A shuttle bus?" I asked.

Yours truly,

Herndon

P.S. I need methemoglobin

P.S.S

I want the following items for Christmas.

A. A fur coat.
1. Potato Salad.
2. A rifle.
3. A law degree from The University o...

BUBBY
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August 23, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

I ate too many doughnuts late last night while watching the ESPYs.

I farted in public and was damn near arrested by Donald Sutherland with his pants unbuttoned and on backwards.

I took a selfie with a criminal.

I knew it when I smelled it.  Bad urine.

I knew a guy named Uri.

I have a mild case of Diarrhea.

My cell phone doesn't work in the mountains.

My über driver is a louse.

I have a problem with people.  Especially men and women.

I drank a beer in a phone booth once and gently released gas betwixt my ever so parting buttocks while whistling Dixie.

I accidentally voted for Mike Pence.

I had a weird wart once.

I wanted to move to Ohio to enhance my opioid addiction.

I found myse...

GNOME
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