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April 1, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

If there is one person who can leap into a bicycle with a seat missing, it is Jimmy aka the butt champion from Mars!

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SECRET PATH
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March 27, 2020
 

Dear Stan ,

Stan, don't watch news constantly.
We can't do anything about Corona?
No we can do dear.

I have a remedy i got from an old Arabian script.

Nigella sativa seed or oil, we called it Kalonji here.
Its having Chloroquine in it. Most effective against Corona.
Here in our city Doctors start preventing patients using this.

Take 21 seeds or more everyday.
By God i believe it till death.

SIMPLICITY DAY
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July 5, 2012
Orchard Park, United States

Tim,

I hope you had a great Fourth of July.  Hope we can hang again very soon.

Stan

ORIGINAL
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March 30, 2020
 

They call me Mister Blotto because we gets blotto.

I get blotto in the morning and I get blotto late at night.  I get blotto in the city I get blotto on the flight. I get blotto with the president I get blotto with a pimp. I get blotto while shopping I get blotto with Harvey Dent.

I get blotto with the Secretary of State you see blotto is my fate.  I get blotto up in church I get blotto at Heaven’s Gate.

I get blotto at the crib I get blotto wearing a bib I get blotto dancing naked save everything but a wig.

I get blotto with my mom, I get blotto with my dad, I get blotto racing up in down while riding shotgun in my friend’s Jag.  I get blotto in the club, I get blotto in the hood, I get...

REAL MEN DRINK WHISKEY
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March 27, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

They look like my lizard.

He was old and white.  He was old and full of scales.  He went to Father Knows Best only to be punished again by my own way of life.

Minions yes.  Bolshevik Hector? He left the pantry door open, so wide to uplift the wafting of his beleaguered farts so that they could be smelt no more.

Give him lore.  Give him chores.  Give him Morris.

Cheers,

Stan

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AUNG SAN SUU KYI
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March 26, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

Old people don’t know who Donal Trump is so they just do strange things that encourage wild behaviors.

A Sting Ray sits quietly on a forgotten beach.  It begs and burns the side of the rock cliff.  Dave can be seen, shirtless, rowing towards the bob of seals.

In a studio in New York, Anderson Cooper quietly spits out his gum as he prepares to introduce the next segment.

Long ago, frightened natives spoke to each other in riddles.  For example. “Don’t tease the brown recluse, for its fangs have only begun to sing”.

The youth of today finds solace in mashups and Tinder.  They love Taco Bell and reward programs but are unsettled by the coupons of CVS.

Nary a big man has craved salads or yog...

MONKEY SONGS
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March 26, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

Amid the chaos of the Corona Virus Pandemic, our nation’s billionaires offer relief

Jeff Bezos- The online retail mogul is set to cancel all delivery fees to customers living in affected areas.  Bezos also promises to include three mint cough drops with online orders of $100 or more.

Warren E. Buffett- One of the world’s leading investors is offering free financial advice sessions of 30 seconds or less to those suffering from the Corona virus.  Mrs. Buffett is hosting a back yard buffet at their Omaha neighborhood home featuring German potato salad, Lays BBQ chips, brisket, green beans and a bottomless cherry coke for $11.99.  Tickets available on the Berkshire Hathaway website. Use cou...

PRESIDENT TRUMP
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March 24, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

An in depth discussion with a survivor of The First World War, and The Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918.

We sat down with Jacquard LeBatt, a once 18 year old infantrymen in the French Army who fought the Central Powers and was wounded at the battle of Verdun.  He subsequently contracted the Spanish Flu at Liverpool Merchants Mobile Hospital in Trouville- sue-mer.  We sat down with the Mr. LaBatt at his villa in Lyon as he just finished celebrating his one hundred nineteenth birthday.

John Ray-  Mr. LaBatt, it is a pleasure to sit here with you in such an idyllic setting, a fitting back drop which underscores the serenity of a nation under lockdown.

LaBatt- Yes, it is very interesting indeed.  ...

REAL MEN DRINK WHISKEY
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March 24, 2020
 

I was mooned by Josh yesterday and I wasn’t too happy about it.  In fact, it ruined my day.    

“Why you gotta go and do such triggering things to us?”, yelled Larry Arnoldsomes

He ruined my day.

I buried my head between my legs and prayed something bad would happen to him.

Josh has done silly shit in the past.  One time, on a visit to New York, he stuck a phone charger down Larry’s chest and it kept beeping and beeping all night.  Damn near gave me and Johnny a heart attack.  It did give me a gas attack. I was just thankful that my head wasn’t buried between my legs at that particular moment in time otherwise I would have been a goner.  You see, we just ate Mighty Taco and spent a bundle...

IT'S HARD WORK
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March 24, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

I didn’t understand that caged birds could sing.

I didn’t understand what howling wolves could bring.

I didn’t understand why Danny Glover had this ring on his thing.

Just remember this.  I used to punch holes in the wall of the high school bathroom out of anger and spite.

“How dare they cancel gymnastics!”.  Then I cried myself to sleep on a park bench near the meadow.  Next to the old man’s tool shed.  The one they called Dave.

Now Dave had all the power in the world to mold turnips with his own hands, his own feet, his own dingus, but that’s where it’s left off.  He worked for Legg Mason and made a shit ton of cabbage but no one ever showed him the real cheddar.  The cheese of a gian...

ANGEL OF DARKNESS
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March 20, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

How high is the moon?

How high are me balloons?

Who stole my stilettos?

I need them for a gig.

I got tried and convicted.

I got my ass handed to me.

On a fateful summer’s eve,

I ran to my friend Steve.

His ears looked like cabbages.

Like caged bears.

Like a mole man.

Like Tarzan’s son.

“Sum Bitch”, cries Ridley.

“Eat some good bangers and mash”, yelled Fancy.

No one knows where this goes unless you live in Denver.

The end.

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STAY COOL
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March 18, 2020
Orchard Park, United States

Oh no it has come to pass that this pestilence which is not nice hath finally descended upon us.  Prayers to all and let’s hope it doesn’t mutate into something even more hellish!

Cheers,

Stan

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LETS RUN AWAY TOGETHER
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March 10, 2020
New York, United States

Dave went to the bathroom, only to never return.

He had buckles on his jacket.  He looked gaunt.  He was sad because his girlfriend called him bad names like “fatty” and “Craig K.”.

In all honesty, he looked like a human dump truck. Full of dumb crap, like bon bons and tutting bungle bobs.

“Al”!, he cried! “Is that you”.  No, it wasn’t Al, it was just Mr. Buckles, sowing his oats.  Freeing his fly from his abysmally absent wife who used to run a Hertz rent a car out of the Denver airport.

“Ah”, he said.  “That’s not Al at all.  That’s Mr. Buckles who’s wife used to run a Hertz rental in the Denver airport.  Now she’s listening to her music, I call it songs for a younger generation”.

And ...

SIMPLICITY DAY
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March 10, 2020
New York, United States

This lettr may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately and delete this message and its attachments from your system. This communication is for informational purposes only and does not constitute an offer to sell or a solicitation of an offer to purchase any securities interest. Big Man Pappa Head LLC and its subsidiaries (collectively “Beavis’ Kitchen”) does not accept any responsibility or liability arising from the use of this communication. No representation is being made that the information presented is accurate, current and/or complete and such information is at all times subject to change witho...

BUBBY
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February 14, 2020
New York, United States

A love letter from an old friend.

The Coffee & “my friend

On Sun, Mar 25, 2012 at 9:09 PM Bajram jr. Istrefi Wrote!!!!

"my friend" Stan Killian,

I will take my time & stay true to my words saying to you just like I said it again last night: "you are a good man Stan" and move forwards towards the future.

I enjoyed that coffee that you got it for me.
The "FUCK YOU" Coffee. (lol)
man, to be honest with you (as I always am) when that girl put that coffee in front of us- just by looking at that coffee- I could tell that the "fuck you" coffee, Sucked.
I thought that I see the "fuck you" in it (lol) but it was cool, I took it because "my friend" got it for me and when we went out from there...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY 2020
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January 21, 2020
New York, United States

Is anyone still out here?  Say something in the comment section below.

Happy 2020,  

Stan

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MLK DAY
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December 20, 2019
New York, United States

I told you Tesja is stressed out and needs to water my plants at her own convenience. I also told you back in early November that it was cool for you to crash once and a while and store some things for that month. I again told you over a week ago that I didn’t want you in my place at all while I was gone. I need you to respect what I say the first time I say it and if I have to repeat myself that I wasn’t kidding the first time. I can’t continue to be your stop gap that enables your behavior that is ultimately detrimental to yourself, your health, your career and your own self respect. That is why.

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FREEDOM
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December 7, 2019
New York, United States

I’m sorry but I have to say this.

All the people coming up in the country, who voted for Darrell Trump were wrong.  No bro!  Jam sandwich’s brains are the crux of democracy’s nut sack!  Not billy clubs as the Goats would suggest.

And I know Hillary Warren was oblique and had no huevos rancheros.  But at least she went to the ITT Tech.

SUPPORT AND SAVE US!
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November 16, 2019
New York, United States

Bust my balls if you will!

Right in front of my old friends!

How many people would it take to convince you that your shit fired my boss last night at a dinner at the Hilton?

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MAKE A WISH
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November 16, 2019
New York, United States

You’re a fiend.

Drown your cow at Bob Abbey’s feet.
The spinning wheel of good fortune.

The ball breaker.

The back breaker.

You’ve never seen me spit nails.

The ball buster.

The Brecker Brothers.

Eat my shorts, NITWIT!

All for one and I’m done.

Getting kicked out of the diner for singing Christmas carols too loudly.

Getting kicked out of the pharmacy for eating unprescribed opioids with gusto in isle eight.

Baby’s.

Hatchet jobs.

Bull Durham.

HONEY BUNNY
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November 16, 2019
New York, United States

I don’t know if String has Strung, but I’m at Stringer’s House and you know what that means!

Small people hiding in the bushes.

Men with weird jobs.

Painters and plumbers, hand in hand.

Ding bats with no fortunes.

Babes with cowbells hanging at their feet.

Slightly woven, slightly barreled, slightly masked by the cover of their own disgrace, these bombshells blow pillars to shreds with the mere certainty of their own significance.

Baby Bell.

Sugar Momma.

Happy Meals.

Loved by all.

Stringer.

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BE YOURSELF
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October 29, 2019
New York, United States

Al Munch.

An Uncut sheet of baseball cards might make members of the Washington wizards clearly gleeful, however, still shots of people crying will surely guarantee special favors for the future wizards of suburban Maryland

#INKTOBER
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August 8, 2019
New York, United States

In the guy who kicks the ear drums out of horses

String a vegetable

Hi

Eat some good de miso

ORIGINAL
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August 1, 2019
New York, United States

This conversation. Dot dot dot.  Was all for naught in the early oughts.

“This is perfect“, spoke Strang.

“Look at the bun”, spoke Moses, master of puppies.

ORIGINAL
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July 21, 2019
New York, United States

Whatever you do, buy them a beer.

Buy them two, three, or four.

Buy them, why hell!  Even more!

Just pretend that we’re dead, so you can put the tab on Fred.  

Norma wants one too, can you swoon?

Can you swoosh?

Can you swoosh the basketball through the net like a bitter Michael Jordan.  Like Elvis on a rainy day, you swoosh the basketball like a bitter Michael Jordan.

You never liked John Kerry.

You’re making a big mistake.

He traded baseball cards for reindeer’s gloves one winter’s day.

Frankie Bag of Doughnuts, he was the one.  He could eat forty five pitchers of pasteurized liquid lettuce before he was done.

He once rode a llama into a fiery blaze where he got to morbid terms a...

REGAL
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July 19, 2019
 

Tw: fr Omfg tbh ngl irl ull c ur abt wtf w e ppl smh af tfw OMG pls ur bf n gf r lol rn n m dms bc i rlly shld imao id b idk kms ig rly jk LMFAO gn TL bae ttyl

LET'S FALL IN LOVE
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July 9, 2019
New York, United States

Dear Kenny.,… I think you’re a good guy but I think you’re also kind of a drunk.

I think one time I had a Boner on the train looking at a walrus sorry about that hope to see you tomorrow for the fiber. Cheers the ad space space space… Con Jeff has it done while werewolves

How old hello vera had a problem when he was in college because he fucking has brought checked by a non-authorized doctor and it East Coast if you could please check your Kaiser Permanente plan and then re-surface again with all the paperwork I’m sure will fucking sorted out that good enough for you fucker I have sent it to you right now and I’m gonna sign and send

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MADE WITH LOVE
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July 8, 2019
 

Love what you do even if you feel you’ve over done it.  Keep doing it.  Don’t stop!  Imagine if Davy Crockett gave up.  Where would we be now?  We wouldn’t have that precious song which goes as follows.

“Davy, Daaavy Crockett, born on the wild frontier.  He met Sherlock Holmes and grabbed his balls. Ouch ouch!  Took ‘em home and put ‘em in a jar.  Davy, Daaavy Crockett, he’ll beat you up, grab your balls and put ‘em in a jar”.

Goodbye.

FEEL IT WRITE IT
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