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January 11, 2019
New York, United States

Danny held me hostage while he rattled off statistics and personal musings on the subject of Dan Rather, potentially riding the subway in a ridiculously high end outfit with Cecil Fielder wielding a baseball bat, kick drum and snickers bar, holding an elephant’s tongue 👅 laughter in tow, Dan Rather’s footprint, Junior was his name, bless his little elf for that was the game we cried fowl.

Go Lindsay!

Go Linda!

Go Fabian, you heartless man, full of passion fruit and passing gas! ⛽️

Fabian endures most mornings by writhing himself in full view of his torn ligaments.

HOT
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January 11, 2019
New York, United States

“What child is this?”, asks my neighbor who is adorable.

“He’s the best one to win over”, whispered no one.

The neighbor is fat and old, and deserves Larry Holmes’s fist in his face.

HUNTER PENCE
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January 11, 2019
New York, United States

Stringer had a problem including a private event in his family.

I broke my necklace today at the foot of the bed and wished Stringer called me on my birthday.

You! Yo! Let me say, and on the way to the dry cleaners, I left some heft in my butt to sow back the tides of change and bling.

STRENGTH AND PASSION
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January 11, 2019
New York, United States

I wrote a book yesterday and it feels terrible.  “Why?”, I ask myself. Full of wishes and Moscow Mules, I pile into the driver’s seat in my driverless Google car as Elon Musk watches a variety show in the back seat about some lost little city’s championship game.

FREEDOM
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January 11, 2019
New York, United States

Weird Beard Part IV.

I need a chiropractor.

I need a clinical doctor.

I need five clients.

I need a new job.

Joblessness is that which pains me.

“Merry Christmas Eve”, said Wayne Terwilliger.

Fabian is rich, for his beard lacks sunshine.  His moon is ripe for the taking.

He’s embearded for the empowerment grant which makes him look great and embarrassed.

Fabian knows this much:  his beard is the boss, lossless fidelity in his further regions and future endeavors.

Fabian’s full of fabulous things.

His beard is not only one of it, it’s the centerpiece.

Fabian’s the Mickey Mantle of Beards, empowered by his will to swing with others of the same sex.

Cheers,

Fabian Davis.

1). I kn...

BLIZZARD
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December 24, 2018
San Antonio, United States

Dear Jonathan,

I can find no Godzilla to protect us from these awful Christmas presents.  It’s a frozen egg, and I’m sorry Patrick, it’s a slippery slope.  My iPad is on the fritz and I need to reopen our local McDonald’s which is closed for the holidays.

This message has been made possible by the generous support of viewers like you. Additional funding provided by The U.S. Department of Education, The Alfred P Sloan Foundation, The Carnegie Corporation of New York, The Chump group of insurance companies, for one hundred years providing insurance for thousands of brokers around the world.  And by the corporation of public broadcasting.

Bye,

Stan

ORIGINAL
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December 18, 2018
Newark, United States

“I’ve got back problems!”, yelled the old man in the back row in between his folksiness, his tendency to whistle while gargaling a gargantua size bottle of seven up.

“I don’t care how many emergency exits there are, my back hurts, and I’m trying to fucking whistle”, roared the countrified gentleman, as his long beard fluttered like the state flag of his home state of Alabama from the focused air emanating above.

“I want chips and dip but most of all, I want honesty!”, screamed the dignified elder who, despite his missing teeth, commanded respect from all who walked in his presence.

“Gimme some fucking candy” he demanded, momentarily breaking from his awkward whistling, a tightly focused ...

CHRISTMAS FLOWERS
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December 9, 2018
Mount Laurel, United States

Hi Everyone,

I have just two things to say.

1). Stop snoring.
2). Eat radishes for a healthy ear drum.
3). Stop at a gas station, now, please we’re scared and hungry!

The end.

Peace,

Stan

Sausage eggs and quesadillas make a baby happy for food!

I LOVE YOU
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November 14, 2018
New York, United States

Colleen came to my gig today and I was Friends with Greg and a bartender who lied and stank.

Colleen came to the gig today and it was a surprise to hear how many times Will sunk our dusty meadows with a slick meandering. A sunken battleship of delight and happy Veterans Day!

Desert Rain fell months ago upon landing in the new world but Colleen missed it.  But misery gave way to an internal ear hidden deep beneath my portaled wings

Why was Colleen at my gig today?

Wasn’t sure what if a robbery in plain videoed sight was enough to rattle ones cage.  Colleen was at my gig tonight leaving one to wonder if he who lives nearby is Martin Sage.

STAN LEE
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November 14, 2018
New York, United States

Who’s the early bird spamming and then slamming the door?

Door after door.

The early ones rise to feed the flames of our orbit.  The intermingling jingle of our e-commerced walls inside the remnants of a brick and mortar kingdom that is no longer sought or seen.

Why do they rise so early?  The train barely runs.  An L train built for 4 million people is no fun.  But they travel to work.  Each machine they each hold is the same.  A mechanized beast that clings to the cloud, proof positive that god speaks aloud.  

The clothes and temperature lay the only mystifying deed that makes online marketing their true seed.

A seed to success.

A place to call home.

A reason to bitch.

A reason to m...

JOHN LENNON
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October 22, 2018
New York, United States

Dear Dudes,

Or shall I say, duds?

Did it?

I what's got you there.

Or as they said, "I'm what's 'Gotcha here'".

Herndon is a Bellafiore, lord Dickinson, son of a gaunt elder, lost in time.  Penisless....

Here's a period.

Foo fighters are coming to be very "not so good Al".  Said a tainted Rivers Cuomo.

Mario has delights.  He loves dogs 🐶.

French people, or shall I say "Frenchies", love lettuce and tomatoes with onion and melted or melting French cheese.

"Who ate my underwear?" , asked a French police officer.

"I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did".

Said Brett Cavanaugh in a...

WHITE CLOCK
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October 6, 2018
New York, United States

A very very sad tale is about to be told.  If you're sitting down, stand up.  If you're standing up, keep standing up.  

Here goes literally nothing.

Someone threw four rocks at me today and it made me sad.

I cried like a babe, like a baby elf.  Like a baby elf riding on a large guinea pig guided by another baby elf riding on yet another large guinea pig named Tiago.

I can't wait to call Dan Zweebin today and tell him.

"Hey, Dan Zweebin," I'd cheerfully say.

"What do you want!? You shitty douche bag of a baby elf riding a guinea pig being led by yet another baby elf riding on yet another large guinea pig!"

"Someone or someones threw four rocks at me today in front of the court house. ...

HIGH HEELS
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October 6, 2018
New York, United States

Dear Abbey,

"I stole.

I cried and visited Mister Charles's bathroom whilst whistling.

I'll visit your grave.

I traded five baseballs today for firearms😢."

Spoken by an emergency response person who is an excellent person to talk to.

"You're the only family I got", cried one incel.

"Leave him hanging, for he cannot bring the ruckus to a new spot", whispered a Java Script wannabe, Kavanaugh protester.

"I'm a good Catholic.

I coach adult fast pitch baseball.

My big apologies to the hostile ushers at Saint Patrick's Day parade for that yet doth yield only hint of fibromyalgia, and the rewards are great!  Especially if your brain is full of crap.

Susan Collins's brain is full of maggo...

I LOVE SUMMER
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October 5, 2018
New York, United States

Eleven musts for early fall.

Jeb, the barbershop owner and local priest says while rubbing his belly and sipping on his Harvey Wallbanger, "there is indeed a saying up east that states the following.

It's early autumn, and it's time to.

1). Pick apples.
2). Brace for unexpected wind gusts.
3). Vote straight ticket Whig party.
4). Buy new drawers.
5). Sell old drawers on eBay.
6). Delete profiles on your stack exchange and Reddit accounts.
7). Booze it up a bit more.
8). Make homemade chili.
9). Watch meet the press and cry into your beer.
10). Fall in love.
11). Throw the pig skin around and
don't be afraid to get muddy."

Best regards,

Jeb, the dancing priest.

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THE EDISON BULB
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October 1, 2018
New York, United States

This is the worst UX!

🥃
🎶
🍕
🔑❤️🐐🙃😀🤖😉☺️😬🐐🤖

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HELLO AUTUMN
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October 1, 2018
New York, United States

One time a guy Hayes his hair cut.

He moved onto another page.

A life of love.

A life of treachery.

A life of the silent mosquitoes that would have you turn with the Gaul.

I know a few men.

One who drank.

One who stank.

One who knows the game.

There's a farmer nearby.  In the woods of Auesterlitz New York. He's a Red Sox fan.

He's full of old wives tales.

"One time, I met an old widow who had sixteen candles up her..."

He was so old. We rendered "unbecoming".

He's not a state senator.

He's not the mayor.

He's not a congressman.

He doesn't work for the government.

He lives in a tree full of bees.

🐝

HELLO AUTUMN
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September 15, 2018
New York, United States

Giles was mean to me today.

Giles yelled at me.

"Pick up that Fucking bacon", he screamed.

"Jam that spoon betwixt thy faithfulness".

Giles is a mean man.  Some might call him a meanie.

I smoked pot with Giles' wife one summer afternoon and she proceeded to tell me his whole ordeal.:

"When Giles was young", said Nester Sweetheart, "Giles frequently had trouble in school, mostly due in part to his excessive farting, forcing gale force burrito laden winds beneath his so called 'arse wings'.  A passing of gas so pure and violent that the hair on his  principal's balls (named Ebenezer and Dave respectively); they would bristle against his dungarees, summoning an unwonted erection".

I cried...

NEVER FORGET
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September 15, 2018
New York, United States

Giles was mean to me today.

Giles yelled at me.

"Pick up that Fucking bacon", he screamed.

"Jam that spoon betwixt thy faithfulness".

Giles is a mean man.  Some might call him a meanie.

I smoked pot with Giles' wife one summer afternoon and she proceeded to tell me his whole ordeal.:

"When Giles was young", said Nester Sweetheart, "Giles frequently had trouble in school, mostly due in part to his excessive farting, forcing gale force burrito laden winds beneath his so called 'arse wings'.  A passing of gas so pure and violent that the hair on his  principal's balls (named Ebenezer and Dave respectively); they would bristle against his dungarees, summoning an unwonted erection".

I cried...

NEVER FORGET
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I fell in love with an amazing person yesterday.  The day manager at Home Depot gave me pills that sent shivers up my arse.

"I once was lost, but now I'm found", cried midget Republicans looking for good drinking water while sucking on water chestnuts "unsnarl thy tiny typhoid beard", cried an NFL hating republican with dentures and a subscription to Time Magazine whilst ailing and sipping on Tom Yum Soup.

"Andy, where are the cheese fries?"

"You nasty, ungodly, unforgivable penis hugging republicans who will do anything for a buck, buck sow Walter his quarters for laundry and furthermore, republicans who lack a bold penis mentality, whose lack of crotch stuff leads to hate for no football...

SUMMER IS AN ADVENTURE
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I once went to a high school prom dressed in platform heels and a Howard Stern mask while giving people a "funny salute".

Jesus L Ron Hindenburg HIMSELF!

NEVER FORGET
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I once caught the mayor wearing a jump suit to an unknown prom within the city limits.

"Why, why, why, WHY!" I could be overheard whimpering in the corner of a restroom of a gas station in Jersey whilst wearing pants and testicles.

"Where are my picket fences and what happens to babies when they become governors?"

I never had a baby but I used to draw pictures of them when they became republicans and it made the general public sad and heave with an uncertainty.

"If these babies were NFL footballers and had big big big footballs", I'd pray to a god of unknown origin but one who'd smell like a beef torta and shell out buffalo chips like they were the last can of sardines on a life raft duri...

I LOVE YOU
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September 14, 2018
New York, United States

I was busted last night like a lead ballon on crack!

Yeah, I voted.  Straight ticket socialist.  

I was caught ball and teering with a few unknown suspects who might have been mistaken for twin Daves.

"Fat David", my mother once called him.

"If only he showered, he'd be a handsome man".  

But Dave ate 29 hamburgers before February.

NEVER FORGET
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

Most of my manager hey you my pizza sent about talk to my girl

I'm sorry I don't know you too but you don't have a problem

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

Old  oh he did change up the check

I had sex with the fucking make shit but I wanted to be in the store whole recordAnd the person at the United States and I want

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

Hey can you girls come in through the fucking train with the cops look at me and now I want lettuce to feel a fuck if I don't work

I need Vicky's up in this shit I like my hip pop song let Crips

Any side jobs in the

GREAT THINGS
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September 6, 2018
New York, United States

I had sex with a fucking foreign agent and I decided that was cool because I would eat pizza at a train station and that I would eat up the game present it

I had two guys that want to make out with me but they were fat and having hersome of the girls don't want people

GREAT THINGS
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