I moved again. It started off rough. I actually regretted it the first week. Bad things just kept coming my way, I thought nothing good was going to come from moving here.. I'm starting to realize maybe I'm right. I'm stuck in a house with no friends here, just like I was in TX. At least when I moved back home I had people who cared, who actually couldn't wait to see me. Though it was only a few months of knowing them it felt like I knew them for so much longer. I guess I miss them.. Now I'm in FL, and I feel so alone. The one person who's suppose to make me feel less alone is causing this feeling. Why did I think things would change? Why do I keep putting myself back in the same misery? I ha...
It sucks not having anyone to talk to. Constantly having to pretend everything is fine when in fact everything is falling apart. Not having anyone to relate to, everyone being in a different chapter of life as you. So we just bottle things up and hope for the best. We don't see anything wrong with the silence, the anger that builds in us, the crushing feeling of the world we carry. We don't see anything wrong with the feelings that come with the bottled up feelings. We bleed to know we're alive. We cry to know we're alive. We scream to know we're alive. But we do everything in silence because we have no-one..
There is no we, only just you. You fix this, because I'm done.
I've sacrificed so much for you, where's your sacrifice?
I'm at this point in our relationship that I can't even care anymore. Things aren't going to change, not even when Lukel is born. People say babies test relationships, well if anything else puts anymore strain on this relationship we are definitely screwed. I remember telling someone we were at a 7/10 in our relationship, that was last week. I told my therapist we were at a 5/10. I realized now that just because at the time of the question just because we are either not arguing or arguing shouldn't dictate were our relationship stands as a whole. We are a solid 4/10, we aren't enough for each other and it's sad we had to bring a child into this world knowing that.
Where do I go, when I have nowhere to call home?
I don't really nowhere to go, I don't feel like I belong anywhere..
I'm fat, and my body disguises me. You use it and toss me to the side like I'm worth more to you when I'm getting you off. No wonder my body doesn't respond to you like it should. Its not me, it's you...
I'm tired of waiting for something that'll never happen..
I'll never be enough for you. Even when I try my hardest I fall short of your expectations. I'm not sure what you see in me and it's gotten to the point where I don't care. I should probably focus more on trying to own up to my own expectations of myself. They're a lot more obtainable..
I've never wanted to hurt you so bad in my life like I do now..
3 more days until I leave.
8 more days until you do.
I keep telling myself to breath, to relax, to just ignore the negativity but it's so hard. For the longest that's all I lived with. Negative thoughts, negative emotions, negative outcomes..I just lived a negative lifestyle..
Spending time with you means more to me than it does to you..
It's too hot to cover my scars with a hoodie. I hate when the weather doesn't agree with my mood..
I will always be the blame for your misery. If that gives you some kind of closure for your life before you met me then so be it.
19 more days..
You don't want me to stay here because I'll be alone. It's ironic because I feel alone here with you more often than never. I'll be alone wherever I go. It doesn't matter how many people I'm surrounded by...
I've been wanting to move from this state since I got here in July. Now I finally get what I want but not under the circumstances that I imagined. It all happened way sooner than was expected. September turned into August. August turned jato July, and now July turned into February. Back to VA for 3 months then off to FL. I don't wanna live there either...I just want to sleep this all away..
When you're just laying in bed, in complete darkness and you just wish everyone you have ever lost would just get another chance to come back.
I forget I'm breathing sometimes. My mind is on autopilot.
Sometimes I think that all those people were right. I am the creator of my depression. Its the way I think and feel, the way I perceive this world. Its woven in my soul. A gloomy part of me which makes me feel the pain that doesn't even exist. It can't be cured.
It's crazy, it's been a year since we lost you. Time flies doesn't it. I miss you so much little brother. I wish none of this would have happened and you would still be here. I'll make sure your niece/nephew knows everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, your style, your funny stories, everything. We miss you Lil Tim.
I'm sitting here and my mind has been racing for the past couple hrs. Unfortunately I had to go to work so I put on a happier face, wiped my tears and covered my arm with gauze to temporarily fix what was broken.
I don't know how I'm going to last this whole night here by myself, this silence only makes my mind wonder. There's nothing you can possibly say to makes these feelings go away. You keep telling me to get help but I can't stomach the thought of talking to someone about my problems. I get triggered so easily that I'm just going to end up triggering myself talking to someone. And then what? I end up back in the hospital, a place I vowed so many times would be my last time going. No, I...