We're buying me a gun on Friday. If only you knew how terrible of an idea that it, that I'm crumbling and silently suffering and all I think about his dying.
We're buying me a gun on Friday. I smile through the pain and hug and kiss on my children because I know that one day I will not be here to do these things.
We're buying me a gun on Friday. I was doing fine for a moment and then everything just went to shit all over again. I'm exhausted and the sound of my own children is like nails on a chalkboard.
We're buying me a gun on Friday. All I needed tonight was for you to exist and I couldn't even get that. All I needed from you was to take the screaming baby out of my arms and instead ...
I'm starting to hate my kids. Not in the sense of I wish they were never born, but it's getting so hard for me to care about their existence. Man they were just the highlight of my day and then slowly they've become my reason to stay sleep. You were born 3 weeks ago, I was so eager to meet you. I couldn't wait to see your little face, your tiny nose, your wittle toes. I knew everything would be worth it once I seen your face and it was. But it's been 3 weeks and I am so overwhelmed already with you and your big brother. It's been 3 weeks and I feel like I've failed yall already. It's been 3 weeks and waking up every 5minutes in the middle of the night, getting zero sleep and having to act lik...
My sons will grow up seeing how healthy black love is 😍❤
I cant help but think everything is my fault, even though I know losing your brother has destroyed a part of you that I cant fill. I couldn't imagine losing my sister, that heartache could never be mended. I shouldn't take your pain so personal.
It's like we are destined to go backwards after moving forward for so many months..
I stalked you, not physically of course. After reading 50+ of your letters I just felt the need to know more.
I see that you found someone, I'm extremely happy for you. You deserve the world and I hope she is giving it to you. I hope she makes you laugh, that beautiful smirk you do I can still.remember it its embedded in my memory. I hope she makes you happy. I hope that she brings out that glow I knew you always had. I hope that she loves you deep and unconditionally because though you are not perfect you deserve to be loved despite it. I hope that you feel whole, because I know I left an empty void and I hope she erases the memory of me. We probably will never speak again but...
Its weird when you realize the person you once told everything to now has no idea what's happening in your life
You don't tell me I'm beautiful enough. You dont complement me much really. You have no idea how much growing your child is destroying me. Its destroying 7 months of weight loss, 50lbs, a glow I haven't had in over a decade, confidence I had no idea I had. I know we both decided this, but I regret it every day. Every pound I gain is like destroying my self worth. You liked me better when I was smaller, so did I.. Now I cant stand to look at myself, the touching from you isnt the same anymore, you don't look at my body the same, I feel disgusting. I just wanna cut this pain away....
P.s ok Khalil you can come out now, mommy needs her body back..
Today is one of those days were I just want to run away from everything. I dont want to be a wife, a mom, anything to anyone. I feel so overwhelmed, depressed, stressed and I cant pin point the reasoning why so I can't change whatever it is. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. Sleep forever
I could count the scars on my skin..
Some are a bit less visible, but I remember them
I remember feeling useless, unattractive, depressed..
Other times just being triggered by the sound of my heartbeat
The thought of living was a trigger of it's own and I couldn't shake the feeling that it brought
I could count the scars on my skin..
Waking up at 3am and holding the blade against my wrist
Sitting on the edge of the bed with a handful of pills
Tracing soon to be cuts on my skin with my fingertips
I could count the scars on my skin..
It's been 2 years and I still feel the urge
I can't help but drag my blade on my skin from time to time just to feel its presence
Not deep enough to make a mark, ...
I've failed at times as a girlfriend , fiancé, wife, student, friend, daughter ...and as a woman ..I don't always say the right things. I don't have an amazing physique, but what I do have works for me 😉 I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I am ENOUGH! AND I am me. I have scars because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some don't. I have done good. I have done bad. I'm random and silly, but loving. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. And if I love you, I do it with all my heart, unconditionally!!❤ I make no apologies for WHO I am.
I remember a point in my life that I lived pay check to pay check. The only person who knew was my friend from work. His name is Kevin. He had no idea how broke I was until one day I asked him a rhetorical question. "If you only had $10 and you had to choose between you eating or your pets who would you choose?" Jokingly he said himself. He asked me why. I confided in him that day. All my money went to rent and hospital bills. Anything i had left over went towards my dog and cat. I regretted surviving the day I overdosed on pills. Who wouold have known saving my life would cost me over 30,000 with no health insurance. I wasn't even the one who called them, but why was i the on...
Today was bearable...and then it wasn't. It's crazy how quickly something can change. Maybe it never changed...it was just one sided....
Why is it you don't know when the worse part of the year is for me?
I asked you knowing the probability that you will answer it right is slim to none. It's the holiday season.
Why is it that you forget I have trust issues? Not to the extent of you cheating, but me believing the words you say.
Why is it that you make me feel unloved? I'm sure you love me on the surface but deep down I don't think you want to be fighting for us.
Why is it that you can go days without talking to me with no problem? I know I ask you the same measly questions when you come in from work and I'm sorry about that. You never ask me how my day went or how I feel so I guess why should I get personal.
Why don't yo...
No point of saying yes to you when we can barely go a full day without there being a problem between us. I'm done with regretting saying yes to you...
I hate this time of year. Every day I'm forced to keep a smile on my face because I now have a little person depending on me. But damn I'm so tired of sleepless night, being unsatisfied, feeling unloved. Going days without a word, a kiss, a gesture. Just nothing. Is this what I signed up for for the rest of my life. This time of year I don't even feel the need to try. I don't care, I can't care...
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
I never knew I could love someone with this much of me before. I've loved people don't get me wrong but the love I have for this little man is beyond me. The way he smiles, the way he laughs, those big eyes, his tiny nose, his snoring, his innocence. His innocence is such a breath of fresh air it's overwhelming. You are my new happiness.
I've never been the optimistic one. I always see the bad in everything. I ruin just about everything good for me. I second guess just about everything too. I have a hard time trusting people. I rather shut down than talk about things. I don't believe true love exist. I push people away. I think I'm better off alone. I have a lot of regrets. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm not easy to love. I'm extremely unattractive. I'll never be enough for anyone. I have a lot of insecurities.
You put me through hell, but through hell I'll always love you
-I love you my little man