I'm not sure if I should write this or not. But, since there are no one that can listen to me in real life, I just spit it out here.
I'm planning to kill myself
Maybe not now
Thank you for listening to me
Time really flies
It's been 4 months since I logged in, and I can't believe so many things happened during that time. I don't even know where to start, it's all start to turn more easy for both me and my brother.
Now that I'm 17 years old, I'm legal to do anything I want with my life (include drinking, but let's put it aside) and that means I am the one who'll be in charge of taking care of my brother.
After I left to live with my uncle, my dad suddenly disappeared. The last thing he said was sorry, on messenger, and I can't reach him anymore. No one knows why he left, nor go. And that was 2 months ago.
My mom, in the other hand. Start to develop a workaholic syndrome. She buried ...
It's Valentine's day, said some people. The day of love, where you can cherish all your loved ones in this specific day. The day you can give love, and get love.
I personally don't believe in this event. I don't even fully understand what's all the fuss about. All that I know is today is the same as any other day I have.
And just this morning, this thought came to me. I was on my way to school when suddenly I thought about this.
What is love?
I've never really felt some sort of affection towards other than my brother before. Aside from a family.
So, back to my question.
What is love?
People said it's something you should feel in your heart, not your brai...
It's been 2 weeks since I last heard about Hazza. I don' t know what happened, but she just disappeared.
She didn't reply my message, didn't respond on my tweet, and her last interaction on Twitter was on December 24th. The very last day I talked to her.
She said she'll be having exam soon when we last talked, but she said it'll only takes a week or so.
With these past 2 weeks without her, I began to worry. What if she's not okay there?
I promised to her I would give her a birthday present this year. But she didn't even reply my New Year's card. She just disappear
I promised I would make her feel joy this year, so she will feel better.
I promised her t...
Yesterday I lost part of my heart. The shine that light my way, the shine that release me from endless pit of darkness. A shine whose presence gave a smile back to my face. A shine that's so bright no one can surpass.
But now I lost my shine. I lost what's important to me. I lost what gives me strength through this cruel world. I lost,
Just 11 hours ago. I received a bad news, very bad that I crushed my phone in to pieces once I've read everything.
My Jonghyun has passed away. Leaving a scar that'll last forever in my heart. Leaving my pit in to darkness again.
He's the reason why I became what I am today. He's the reason why I stood up on my own when ...
Though out this year, I've found a lot of people from around the world. Some of them just passing by, and some of them became my pen pal. And from all of my pen pal, there is this one amazing girl I adore.
Her name is Hazza, a Palestine girl with the same age as me. We met in a group chat in LINE, for a K-POP multi fandom around the world. At first, I didn't believe when she introduces herself as a Palestinian girl. But after seeing her photo and everything, I believe her.
We became a good friend. We even send each other a letter every month because her access to internet is not always available. We didn't talk much about K-POP, we mostly talks about world issues lik...
There's something really bothers me lately. Well, it's been in my thought for quite some time. But I just began to think deeply this past month.
After my parents divorcing, I doubt I'll be able to get married in the future. In fact, I'm not planning to do so. I just find it too burdensome, while I want to enjoy my life as I please. Because what I know from marriage, is that you must compromise with your future family. And for me, it's equivalent with taking away my freedom.
I might not think like this, if I have a bright childhood. But again, I won't blame anyone for that. It's all my fault, for not being strong enough to pass it as usual.
It's November. Only 3 weeks before the final exam. Yet I still have LOTS of thing I need to catch up, especially in math and Religious Education.
I barely got to school this semester, because of this and that. Plus, my student council activity also takes most of my free time, aside from studying.
Once, I've skipped math class for almost a month. And when I came in, there's a test in a subject I don't even know exist. Same goes to Religious Education, since they were on the same day.
I'm still on my 11th year, and have one whole year before graduate in 12th grade. But still, if I want to get to my dream university, my grde from 10th grade are monitored.
Hey, everyone. It's been a while.
I'm writing this at school at the moment.
I am finally not going to transfer in to another school since I got chosen as one of the student council in my old school. And now I felt like more burden was being placed on my shoulder.
Me and my fellow friends are responsible for all school events for the next one year. And many pressure came alongside. We got pressure from our senior, who demands an actual result, our junior who expect us to be their role model, and even our own school who doesn't allowed us to be creative on gaining money for the event but still wants us to make an extraordinary events.
It pressured us the most, ...
This past week have been really hard for me. Not just because of my family problem, but also because of my education. I was told by my cousin to continue my study at an International School my online teacher 'Mas Bro' recommend me.
He said that I can improve myself if I study there.
But that school is too far from where I live now, and it's also expensive. I don't want to burden my cousin even more. By accepting me to live at his house was already a gift for me.
I also don't want to leave my old school, because my friends are all there. And I also find it a bit hard to adapting in a new environment. So, I decided to refuse the offer. Though it was actually a very ...
I've had my online class today, since I couldn't join the regular class because of my situation. And, today I learned about history. A very interesting subject, since I've never had an interest with history. Well, until today's lesson.
I studied through a group video call with 5 other students. My teacher, we called him 'Mas Bro' as a nickname. This was my first online lesson, so I was a bit nervous about it.
In the very first minute, Mas Bro asked us.
"Is there any God? Then why does Atheist exist?"
I was confused. But then my other friends told me that it's his habit to ask some deep question before learning, and if we can answer it by the end of the class, we'll ...
I've finally decided. And I hope this will be my best decision for everyone. Especially my brother.
I will live with my cousin. Along with my brother. Though my parents seems to dislike my decision, they can't do anything because my grandparents agreed my decision.
I'll start moving out my stuff after my brother leave the hospital, which will take a long time because we need to wait until his leg fully healed. It took around 3 months, but he can leave the hospital after his stitches are remove.
While waiting for that, I'll need to focus on moving all my stuff again. Including my school. It's a bit inconvenient, because I've just started to study there for 4 days, ...
Hello, and good day for everyone who read my story so far
It's lunch time, and I decided to stay longer in Jakarta, fyi. Just until my brother is strong enough.
I told everyone that I need to meet my friend here for some reason. I left the hospital, to go to my old house. And, yeah. I lied to them
There's something I need to confirm, because that bothers me since last night. I didn't tell that on my previous letter because I thought it was unnecessary. But, to think about it again, it's pretty important.
And I was right.
The custody, were all went to my mother. That means, me and my brother aren't supposed to be separated like this. I don't know why they did that, because the f...
Hello, everyone. This is going to be a long story.
It's been 2 days since my brother got his surgery. My grandmother and grandfather visited this afternoon, along with my aunties and uncle. They were all extremely mad to my parents.
I might not see how they mocked my parents, but just by hearing the yelling, I could tell how furious they were.
Then, one of my closest cousin shows up. He apologized to come late because of his works. Well, he just got promoted at his company a few months ago, so I can understand that.
We talked a lot, when the elders were still outside. He tries to brighten up my brother by telling funny stories. He also play with him, it really help my brother's mo...
Hello, and good day for everyone who read my letter.
Do you know what it feels to be stabbed right in the heart for dozens of time? You probably dead, right. That's basically what I feel right now. But, I can't die, and that sucks. I just want to be dead, so I don't have to feel this pain any longer
I am writing this besides my sleeping brother, in his hospital room. My brother got hospitalized last night. He fell from the stairs and broke his right leg. What a stupid idiot, isn't it.
When my mom called me to tell me that, I lost my strength. There's no point of crying, so I just told my father about it. We took the first flight to Jakarta that night, without any preparation. My fat...
There's something else bothering me, lately. Besides of my parents divorce on the past letters I've sent so far. And, that includes all my mental and health condition.
Well, I know Indonesia didn't have a very good education system as the other country do. But I was hoping, at least there won't be any bullying being watch by the authorities and get ignored. I don't know if they understand or not, but verbally mocking someone is also a part of bullying. And that's what I've been got in to these past few months
It starts when I got selected as one of the board members for student council, and my seniors starts to bad-mouthing me. Saying that I'm not worthy enough for the ...
Hello, it's afternoon now so I'll say Good Afternoon to everyone who read this.
Things starts to get more complicated now. And I'm sick of it. I don't know what I have to do to replenish all my worries, so I'll just spill it out here.
You know when two people getting divorce, one or two of them will get the custody for their children. And that's what me and my brother felt right now. Well, it's not actually a big problem, unless if we're going to get separated.
I will go with my father to another island, while my brother will stay in Jakarta and live with my mother. I'm okay with that, but I'm worried about my brother. Because he really depends on me with literally everything. Since ...
Hey, it's me again
The last time I visited was 2 years ago, I guess. You won't believe what I've been through these past 2 years. Many things happened, ofc. But there was this very unforgettable moment I won't forget forever.
My parents divorced
Barely know the problem, suddenly I got told by my aunt that I have to be strong for whatever happened. She said that without telling me the problem.
When I asked my mom what happened, she told me that it's none of my business. Well, how's that not supposed to be my business when they're my parents?!
My dad left home 3 months after the divorce. We still in contact, sometimes. But now that he's been moved to another island made us...
Remember my last letter about American government being controlled by Israel ? Now, I know the answer...
It's actually not the country, but the people in there. Do you know about Illuminati and their program called 'New World Order' ?
That's what it all mean. Some of the Jewish people are part of this organization. They meant to rule a new world without -I am sorry- Moslem people. Because they think Moslem is they rival to rule the world. That's why they arranged the 9-11 tragedy, and accuse Moslem fiction character, Bin Laden and make Moslem look bad.
This is just an opinion I heard from my pen pal. But, it's very logical for me. And, I add this opinion to my thou...
It's just my thought, so don't put any serious comment in to it. This letter is just a stupid thought of 15 year old girl from East Jakarta, Indonesia.
I start to think that American government is cotrolled by Israel (or whatever their name is. I don't really care).
Because after watching some news about war and any conflict is the middle east, somehow I think that America does that in order to obey the Israel. I don't know why. But my heart says so.
Also, the war in Palestine. If you're all still remember that. The United Nation tried their best to help Palestine win it. But what does America do ?
They do the opposite. They declared that Israel is their frien...
It's December, and a few week before new year. I'm in holiday now, and recently got confused about something.
I'm going to face the national exam on April. Which is also mean that I have to study harder to accomplish that exam. I am doing it right now.
Me and my two other friend decided to go to public library to working on our Indonesian task, about making a simple essay about anything we like. We've been planning it before the holiday. And I can't wait for it.
And, then. Here comes the problem.
Just this afternoon, my dad called me and told me that me and my little brother have to go to our hometown in East Java to take some holiday there. Then, I told him about my plan...
I want to share something today. And it's kind of important to me.
The thing is, I've been addicted on writing these days. And I am planning to post one of my story on internet.
But, I don't have any courage. I was really excited when I was about to post one of my story on internet. Just a second before these thought came to my mind.....
What if they, I mean the readers don't like my story ?
What if they judge my story with negative words ?
What if they hate my story ?
Because, almost all of my story contains a sensitive thing. Like gay couple, psychopath,sociopath,murder,and other dark sensitive things.
My mom said that I am too young to write thi...
I have something to tell to my mother, but I have no courage to start it. So...
I'll just write it in here, hoping my mother will read it someday
Do you have been addicted in something specific, lately ? Not including drugs, for sure. I still love my body
I've been addicted to K-Pop for almost a year, since my ex-friend Alya always talk about it the whole time. And yes, I am a fan girl. I started to search anything related to Korea on internet, talk about my favourite idol with other fan girl online, buying their merchandise. Sometimes I also search about my idol and other fan girl stuff.
I started to like reading fanfics, and sometimes make it with my own imagination. But my...
Remember my previous letter about my friend, Alya ?
Now I know why she make a distance from me. It's because she have another friend. Her name is Putri
It was started when I didn't go to school for a week because I was sick
I heard from my friend, Dhita that Putri always try to make alya hate me by telling a bunch of lies. And the most stupid thing is, Alya believe it.
Now, she's like a stranger to me. Putri ruin my friendship.
You know why Putri did that ? Because she only use Alya's brain to do all her homework.
Pathetic isn't it ?
It's been a long time since my last letter, isn't it ?
A lot of things also happen to me all that time
Let's see, where should I start.....
I have a friend, let's just call her Alya. She's a very kind girl, smart, and also beautiful. I know her when I first come to school in 2nd grade, she's my seatmate. For almost 7 months, we're like twins. Always go everywhere together, eat together, even when there's a teamwork, she always with me.
She's a new student in my school, and unfortunately sit next to me. At first, I think she is a shy person. So, I help her to introduce herself to other classmate. I was happy that time, that I can help my friend.
You don't have to miss me when I go.
You have your girlfriend, right. So, don't even try to think about or miss me.
Are you still join that sadistic organization ?
Aren't you a smart girl....
So,why do you join that organization ?
I am sick of your strange behavior. Since you entered that organization, you act as you're a psycopath.
Start harming yourself,Kill the animal,and almost kill your brother.
It's not right, Valeria. You're not a psycopath. And you don't have to join that organization again.
Girl,please don't do this to us. You know the consequence if you do this. You can die. Please,I am begging you. Don't to this
You can save your family,I know you can. But not in that way. You can't sacrifice your life. You have a bright future to live in. And if you did that, it's like selling your soul to the devil.
Don't marry him. You know how cruel he is. I can help you if you want. I have a plan that will end this forever. You'll locked up at house forever if you marry him. You are still young. 13 years old are not the right age to get married.
How about your dream to be a doctor ? Are you just leave it and stuck like that ?
I can't see that. You're my friend. ...
Do you know a novel named "Half The Sky Movement" ?
If you have read that,how's your opinion ?
And if you haven't read it. It's a very recommended book
It tell us about a woman named Radhika. She lives in India. And she is a very good woman.
Why I say that,because she really has charisma among her friends. How she fight to living her family.
And also a very touching story...
I won't tell you. You have to read and feel Radhika's feeling in that book.
And there's a words that you can take.