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October 13, 2019
 

I haven’t been doing so well lately.
I don’t understand how I got this way. I was fine at the beginning of the year.
It starts as being a bit nervous. Time goes on & my stomach clenches up, I get tense. My heart starts racing & I need to pee.  I panic. I need to take deep breaths, remind myself it’s not for much longer. I make garbled small talk with my husband to try to calm myself down.
We’re meant to go down to Calgary this weekend. My husband’s mother flew over from BC. There will be a thanksgiving dinner.
The drive is 3 hours each way, and it is hell. It’s hard to stop on a 110 km/h highway with small towns far and few between.
In all of the classical photos of thanksgiving, there is a...

DAY OF THE DEAD
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September 5, 2019
 

I used to feel sure & confident of myself. Lately, I care too much about what people think of me and wonder about things that don’t matter.
I doubt my ability as a wife and mother. I feel like I expect too much from my husband but don’t always say what I’d like done in a nice way. My daughter drives me nuts lately when she wakes up in the middle of the night for hours from teething pain. I clean every day but my house never seems clean enough to really relax.
I miss how work would take my mind off of things. I’m on maternity leave until early January. I’m nervous to start work since I’ve been getting anxiety (at home, ugh) lately.
I am trying to cope with it. I’m eating better food. I’m tryin...

THE OFFICE
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August 5, 2019
 

Hi,

Our daughter has been here for 7 chaotic amazing sleep-deprived wonderful months. I find my anxiety flaring up lately. I avoided a trip to Calgary to meet my nephew because the car ride freaked me out and how stressed I’ve been recently.
Weed is legal in Canada now. Well, has been for a while. My husband & I went to the dispensary on the first weekend it was open. I was heavily pregnant so it was more so for his benefit.
My hubby picked up CBD oil capsules for me today. They are 20mg apiece. I want to see how I react to a half dose before taking a full one. So I put a capsule in a small cup of freshly boiled water and let it melt. I steeped some chamomile tea and poured about half of th...

THE PATTERN
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August 5, 2019
 

I need to fall back in love with life. I feel stagnant, stuck-in-place since starting my maternity leave. I want to feel inspired again. I want to follow through on my plans & goals. My daughter makes my heart explode with love but I need to take time for myself as well. Becoming a parent truly is a steep learning curve.

Please write me anecdotes about parenting and how it has changed you for the better. Thanks :)

ISHAAN ADITYA
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July 31, 2019
 

Forgive me. It has been quite some time since I’ve wrote anything selfishly, all for me. I used to love writing in English class, but that was years and years ago.

Think of this as a diary for myself to the world. A reverse Anne Frank. That’s a terrible comparison, because she never thought her work would be seen. The pretentiousness.

All of these words and thoughts roll around in my head with nowhere to stop and nowhere to go. Perhaps they can stay here for only a moment.

My favourite author is currently Chuck Palahniuk. He has such a dark humour and he is quite the wordsmith. I could get lost in the worlds that he weaves, caught up in dialogue and descriptions. That reminds me, I need t...

WOODEN ILLUSION
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July 31, 2019
 

Anxiety has gotten the best of me this year.

When I went to school 2 winters ago, I was on a low dose of Effexor to help me. It calmed my nerves but rounded off every emotion. I tapered off of it when I woke up one morning and calmly thought of killing myself. I knew those thoughts weren’t mine and they scared me.

I went on a family trip down to Calgary this past weekend and the car ride made me anxious. My stomach clenched up and hurt. I was surrounded by family that I missed and don’t see often, but still, I couldn’t wait to be home.

My husband doesn’t really understand, but he doesn’t give me a hard time about it. I love him but wish I didn’t feel like this.

Anxiety makes me feel craz...

SUPER HERO OR VILLAIN?
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