Explore
Sign Up
Login

Teek

PO# 643487
United States
United States
Oke oka jeevitham idi jaariponeku
October 7, 2019
 

Existential crisis mode? On.
Time is a funny gal. Her delivery is on point and her timing is impeccable. Takes slapstick comedy to a whole nother level. Because it literally slaps you in the fucking face and reminds you "I'm not here that long".  My semester ends early December. Got about a good two months to take control of my schedule, myself and turn this sunbitch around. Better late than never to realize this now I suppose. Guess this is why I'm not at Tech. Yeah I'm critical of myself but isn't that the way it should be? How else do people learn or change? Pain, or rather the avoidance of it, is a big reason for change. It should be. I believe a person should love himself, but should als...

QUOTE ME
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
1
0
October 5, 2019
 

Honestly.

Honestly I'm not so well. And honestly I am. Most people don't get to live this kind of life. Most don't have parents that work this hard, or have these luxuries. Most people don't have a person in there life as kind and beautiful as the one that I'm seeing. Most people don't get to live this life. Why does it feel like I'm throwing that all away?
My habits are starting to break, as is my sleep cycle. My body is starting to tremble. Consistencey has gone and in it's absence I feel like I'm starting to drown. And honestly no amount of money, no caste, no person in my life, nothing, can fix that feeling except me. Because before I know it everything might be gone.

And honestly, I fe...

SUPPORT AND SAVE US!
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
1
0
August 22, 2019
 

Almost 100 days of Summer, if not more, have passed. Things changed, some haven't, but throughout it all It was a mix of work and fun times with family and friends. Now that it's coming to an end, let's wrap this up shall we?

I started the first letter worried and scared for what's to come. Insecure as you may have read and not the surest. Still a bit of that there but now I'm just as excited. Most things got accomplished,a few like hitting the gym often didn't but all in all it was a great summer filled with fun trips and I'm thankful to have kept the same friends and family and have made new ones.

Now there's little time ahead to have as much fun or process all these feelings but I'm gl...

LONE SOULS
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
1
0
August 19, 2019
 

Conflicted.
I was conflicted and still am. I'm conflicted between whether I take a step forward and leap, or take a step back and watch. Whether I should be myself without compromise and risk being alone or I try to fit in and risk losing originality. Whether I stick to road laid down and risk never taking new chances, or I let go and risk what I have now. Confliction that turned into a deep depression. So I started to look inside and went walking for answers. It was self-love. If you can do that even in the toughest of times, be happy for yourself and for others and help yourself and others, then maybe no matter what life throws, you won't break. But I don't know, I'm still learning, fallin...

JUST LOVE
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
1
0
August 14, 2019
 

The first person I had a serious crush on was in middle school. She approached me when few did. I thought I'd definitely marry her. Thought about her almost everyday. Even came up with this scenario in my mind where I'd stop the bus she was in before she moved and I'd ask her out. I moved schools, and then moved on. Two years passed where similar feelings never arose (although since I was a teenager other feelings did ;). Then one day I saw this girl who at first I thought was average. Then, slowly I found myself doing the stupidest of things to try and impress her or grab her attention. She liked the same things I did so of course I'd marry her. She was in only one of my classes and I prayed...

LETTRS 2019 STAMP
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
1
0
August 12, 2019
 

People change. And sometimes for that same reason people go. Out of your life and onto others. Maybe it's not fate that did this but coincidence. Coincidence and nothing more. Or maybe it is fate, perhaps each person comes into your life with a lesson wrapped inside and leaves when there is nothing left to teach. The ones that stay may just have more to tell. I don't know. This is one of those moments where I feel young and naive. Enough to make me feel there's still a long way to go. Ride just barely began but change is rolling in so fast and people are going in and out so quickly it just makes me wonder... Who's here to stay? And why should they? World doesn't revolve around me, and that's ...

MULTI COLORED ILLUSIONS
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
1
August 9, 2019
 

My mind keeps telling me:
Let go.
Let go of this fantasy land where everything is right.
Let go of your younger self, because that person? He's not coming back, stop trying.
Let go of all these friends and family. They won't be here forever. It's not all about you.
Have your heart broken. Your fears materialized. And your self destroyed.
Let go.
Because If you keep staring at a blank canvas, will you ever pick up the pen?

OPPOSITES DAY
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
4
0
August 6, 2019
 

In fall of 2018 came a person who had no idea where his life was going. With no desire to make friends and focusing only on academics, this person entered a whole new place. One where he did not want to be. This person either studied or walked, and when he ate he observed but rarely spoke. And in the midst of things he developed bad habits. He was cynical of others and rather judgemental. Even when he made new friends or reconnected with old ones, he kept his distance, rarely asking for anything. He had secrets, secret crushes, secret goals, and lived inside his head where everything would play out right. Yet reality he avoided, choosing to wander or listen to music instead. This person faile...

WHITE CLOCK
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
August 6, 2019
 

The following is my first journal entry that started the journaling habit. Enjoy:

"you know after all these years I would have expected to not care about others opinion no more. After all, it's been awhile since I've directly kissed peoples ass. But even sitting here by myself, in relative peace and quiet, the thoughts of "what would such and such think if I did this or that" still linger my mind. Perhaps it'll never go away, those thoughts, but maybe I can use that to my advantage or maybe I'm just trapped"

9/27/2018

WHITE CLOCK
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
1
0
August 5, 2019
 

Since it feels like time to change, I've been wondering how I could do so. What defines maturity and how do I there?What challenge is there to take that can I can grow from?
Today made clear I still have ways to go maturity wise. There's bad habits to erase, time management to better, and discipline to make. And as much as I hate to admit, the gym seems to be the way to work all those out. Went today and realized that it brings out every fear and insecurity in me, yet it's the biggest way to show change and probably the most challenging one to do so. Gymming and gaining muscle ain't easy but I guess neither is life. Too bad I haven't done much yet. Here's hoping I get it done by the end of t...

WHITE CLOCK
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
0
0
August 3, 2019
 

I'd used to walk around at midnight (it's the thing I miss most able college). Either that or I'd go sod off and sip tea at some dining hall. I was burned out from work so either of those activities would give me some peace and calmness. However, being alone is a double edged sword. On one hand you learn alot more about yourself, you realize where you stand, your thoughts and flaws become more clarified. Groups, patterns, tendencies of others and yourself you never picked up before start to come to light. A good time for re-evaluation. Be in that position for long however, then you start to judge, those flaws are constantly reminded of and that re-evaluation soon ends up being endless critici...

DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
0
0
July 31, 2019
 

My favorite sentence right now is "azeem-o-shaan shahenshah", rolls so smoothly of the tongue I can't get it out of my head.

Anyway,taking a step back, rereading old journal entries and the first few chats you had with you friends can reveal quite a bit on your growth. Safe to say I've grown, not as fast I hoped but grown nonetheless. It reminds me, when I was a kid I used to dream of getting my own room and bed. That was growth for me because I spent an embarrassing amount of time sleeping next to my parents. Then in highschool I eventually did several years after. Point is you never know when you hit a goal or seemingly grown, even if by then your current goals are radically different. Gro...

DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
3
0
July 28, 2019
 

One day I'll see the stars and all their brightness in clear view. So then I could stop caring about the future, my place in life, and so on. I'd feel that we're all so tiny in the grand scheme of things to not care. The only worry I'd have is the sunrise. I'd play my favorite music while I look for a shooting star (I always wanted to see one) while my thoughts dance and swirl around. I would keep gazing till I either sleep or run out of stars to count. I can't explain why but they always appealed to me, their vastness, the emptiness in between, giant balls of helium all being looked at by a spec in comparison. Intriguing. But really, I'd keep looking up so I can stop caring about what's down...

NATIONAL LAZY DAY
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
4
0
July 24, 2019
 

I can disappoint. I've disappointed myself countless times infact. I shit my pants on the school bus once and for several years I never forgave myself again or my mom's pappu. My SAT score was horrible in comparison to others the brown shame filled my heart for months. Yet now I'm over it, I took all those in stride and moved forward. I moved on to others goals and I kept trying to achieve them even harder. I forgave myself and kept trying. Take that same idea of forgiveness now and and apply it to someone besides yourself. That's what a parent does. That's what friends and families do. They accept your flaws and disappointments but they still believe and still expect. As long as you keep try...

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
3
0
July 21, 2019
 

Being with friends and meeting with strangers always brings a flurry of feelings. When you compare yourself with them and treat it like a competition, it brings nothing but panic and insecurity. Admittedly I've done that alot. However, when you take a step back and place your pride behind you rather than in front, than you get reminded that life is different for all of us. It reminds me that everyone is in different stages of life and each has their own strengths and weaknesses and is unique in there own ways.  You will meet people that are step ahead of you in some areas and a step behind in others. The best thing to do would be to copy the traits of those that are better in the areas you la...

CELEBRATE ART
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
0
0
July 18, 2019
 

There's no predetermined paths this time around. There's more freedom than ever. Most people now get to figure themselves out, what they want to do, who they want to be with, where they're gonna live without much givens. Where your from or who your family is doesn't matter as much (at least not in the US). It's a blessing for sure, an option that my family never really had before. Yet it's also a burden. Especially where's there pressure on you to find all these things before a given time. If only it was that easy. There's millions of doors now,endless possibilities, people make decisions in a snap and judge just as fast because there's so much. It's frustrating sometimes, you don't wanna jus...

RANDOM ACTS OF POETRY - DAY
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
3
0
July 15, 2019
 

At times I can't believe that's it's been just the three of us. That's it, just two other people who've been with me my whole life. Two other people that I'd call family no matter what. Two with whom I've shared my laughter, my fears, my tears, myself. Two who I've seen struggle and fight, two who have shown themselves completely to be. Two others with which I got to experience going from living in a place where you'd have to  wipe your ass without toilet paper to living quite comfortably. How could I ever repay that? All the people I met, all the friends I made, all the cousins and family members I saw, and at the end of the day I see only two other people. Who'll go there separate ways. Who...

MADE WITH LOVE
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
4
0
July 12, 2019
 

Quick question before I get started: what's up with Indian movies and flashbacks? I literally can't think of any Indian movie that doesn't have a flashback in it. What the fuck.

Anyway

A friend of mine,who I really admire and look up to, was telling me about his relationship with his girlfriend. They had decided to take a break from each other and go their own ways for awhile. They were in different stages of life according to him, things had been going well for her, she had made more friends and he felt as if he was being left behind and not as needed. It made me think how endlessly messy life can be. It's fascinating listening to others talk about how messy there's is as it shows how even...

MADE WITH LOVE
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
July 9, 2019
 

A formal introduction:

My name's Teek and I'm quite human. I come with various emotions, thoughts, hopes. I'm defined by the music I listen, the the books I've read, the parents I have. I'm filled with dreams. I'm also flawed by all means. At times, It's never enough, the work I put in. Will I ever be enough? Can I ever be that smart? What if I can't surpass my parents? Yet I don't need your pity or your comfort. I'm simply striving to be better. Everything is a fight, and I see a thousand ahead I'm all willing to join. Will I win? Not all of them, there's a few I have to lose before I can. But I'm not here to win, I'm here to fight. I am young, I am growing, with much to learn, I'm here to ...

QUOTE ME
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
4
0
July 7, 2019
 

I gotta stop being so insecure (yuck!). Back to work and getting shit done

Thumb_signature_1562516378795
WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
July 7, 2019
 

As I looked across a sea of people -all shades of various brown - embroiled in dizzying, bright colors I'm initially perplexed, why does everything look the same still? Why do people all sound the same? I am cynical yet again. I have a bad tendency to compare myself with others, and so I'm looking around, asking myself how I could stand out. After all, I've spent so much time trying to stand in. Yet when I was mixed in with that crowd, I'm reminded we're all the same, and also different. It all feels comforting in a sense. These people aren't mediocre they're normal people having a fun time, there kids, adults with jobs, elders, each with a unique story, and I'm no different. I can't quite pl...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
3
0
July 6, 2019
 

I've mentioned before that I'm running out of time. No I'm not dying, but I am running out of time to "discover"myself, and they're quite a few reasons why. With that being said, in no particular order

Reason numero uno: the perfect image + expectations. Everyone has that perfect image in their head which they day dream of and wants to happen pronto. I have a few of these, and when I walk I think of them here and there. In middle school it was being a rapper, wrote like three edgy songs and waited for that contract by Dr. Dre. When I was little It was being super mega rebel star garram babbu daddy who's a popular actor in his local state. Now it's a bit of everything, it's living up to the i...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
July 3, 2019
 

I want to sleep. I want to cover myself in the warmest, furriest blankets and curl up tightly as possible. I wanna close my eyes and drift off, so that I can discuss the thousands conversations in my head and heart them slowly fade away. Except I've a habit to make, though I don't know what to write. I'm stuck, I'm bewildered, but I'm trying to push through. I'm trying to finish this, not for you but for me. Because I'm beginning to think you don't just find yourself, you build it too. It's hard though sometimes, to pry open up these thoughts of mine and see what's inside. I hope I can come back to these letters again in the future, so that I can remember what I felt, who I was. Right now it'...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
7
0
June 30, 2019
 

"Ek a baar Aaja Aaja Aaja Aaja Aaaaaa JA
Ek a baar Aaja Aaja Aaja Aaja Aaaaaa JA"

Random shit like this gets stuck in my head for no reason sometimes ( I don't even know what those lyrics mean). Out of nowhere a random tune pops up in my head, especially during tests. You can't control your thoughts sometimes. Here's one that's been on my mind no matter how much I try to get rid of it. See I have a bit of a identity crisis that comes with being from one country and assimilating to another, and it's intriguing how romance and relationships are viewed when comparing both. Reminds me that I'm not as mature as I thought. I suppose sometimes I'm not sure what to believe when it comes to that topi...

PANTHER PEAR
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
5
0
June 27, 2019
 

Life is like rain, sometimes it pours so heavily you feel your world start to sag as it floods your world. It rumbles, cracks and roars so loudly it distorts your mind, at times even striking so hard it shocks you to your core. But like rain does to a plant, it does makes you grow. I hope this drought ends, because I need some heavy rain to finally change.

Thumb_signature_1561611593699
ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
3
0
June 24, 2019
 

Every once in a while I'm reminded I'm running out of time. Some things you can afford to fail, but you can't afford not to try. Because when you do, you might realize it's too late. Drawing and gymming reminded of that again, I feel mediocre right now even thought it's pure joy to stuff three dimensions into two, because damn I'm out of practice. Even when things are starting to fall into place I'll always find a way to keep being cynical. Sitting around like a fat fuck for most of the day doesn't help either.

There's a line in a song I'm listening to right now that goes "happiness is a hot potato that you can't posses for long, just pass it on like a song", perhaps that why I'm like this. ...

LETTRS 2019 STAMP
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
4
0
June 23, 2019
 

I wonder what would have happened had I stayed back. Had I not come here, what would I look like? What would I say? What would I wear? Who would I be? I'd like to think it's either a long and happy life because of the way things are, or a short one, because of the way things are. I'd be happy perhaps, that I'd be surrounded by family. Happy because I'd likely have friends like me, people all around that are like me infact. Happy, because I'd likely be married, have kids, a job. But Is that worth sacrificing where I'm now though? who I am? All the people I've met so far? Because had I stayed, love likely wouldn't be found, I'd be given, like all the generations before. That life, would all be ...

LIMITS EXIST ONLY IN THE MIND
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
June 20, 2019
 

And when one thing ends another begins. Change is rolling through and I have alot to think over these next few weeks and months, alot to change also. I haven't quite found my passion yet and I've still plenty room too grow so at times I feel aimless and lost as the wind. You know what bothers me though, and this has nothing to do with anything I said previously, but why the fuck is there an extra "e" in omelette? Why do silent letters even exist if they're silent? You don't put a mute kid to go third in a debate lineup. Aye Saala... (listening to roobaroo while writing this so why not?) there's quite a bit floating in the air over what's going to happen next , I'm excited, scared, and not at ...

LETTRS 2019 STAMP
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
June 18, 2019
 

One day I hope I'll find you again. So I can say goodbye, properly this time. I can never recapture what you had, the frenetic energy you brought, the joy you emitted, the care free nature you so easily presented. I'm not you anymore, frankly I'm not sure what I am. I'm bogged by work, I'm tired out of my mind, I'm alone at times. I used to despise you, because I felt your the reason I'm like this. Now I envy you, I cherish you, because now I wish I could give zero fucks again. I'm not you anymore, but I won't forget, neither you or the subtle lessons you showed by simply being you.

Thumb_signature_1560915257806
BE YOURSELF
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0
June 15, 2019
 

Whatever happened to me? Why do I feel so unmotivated as of late? As I flip through my old notebooks I wonder where this person went, the one that loved reading books, solving puzzles, tinkering with hardware, that wanted to rap. Perhaps I let my fears materialize and my spirit to deteriorate. I believe that for ever person they're different versions, and feel I never got to say goodbye to that younger me. Things changed so quickly. Maybe that's why I can't focus as well anymore, it's all coming back to haunt me. And this version of me right now, this akward shell I put on, this one is way past its due date. I have to go now. I have to grow now. So before I do, before it's my turn to take car...

PASSION OVER PERFECT
Thumb_1560273075
PO#643487
2
0