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Gemma

PO# 493058
Philippines
Philippines
catholic witch
June 30, 2020
Cordova, Philippines

another month’s end
a quirky afternoon
of rain and shine

Inside out
waiting in trembling trepidation,
in reluctant expectancy
for a fleeting touch
a defiant nudge
a visit from my muse...

Waiting.

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INKTOBER: NEMOPHILIST
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June 16, 2020
Cordova, Philippines

Caught up in the windmills of my heart
your face appears, my love long gone.

By what fashion should
remembering start -
with words unsaid
and the future undone...

Should I turn to look
at the setting sun,
Or on a new love’s face
bestill my hands?

03102014 / Hong Kong

COMING CLOSER
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June 10, 2020
Cordova, Philippines


The steady rain that lulled me to sleep
last night
woke me up, splattering on my window pane.
I looked out through the mist -
grey skies met my eyes
that skimmed the green below, across
the open space beyond my window...
the alarm clock went unheard
the message beep ignored
as a certain stillness settled.
Sitting cross-legged, clutching a pillow
my gaze stayed on the grays
half forgotten images flashing
in my mind’s eye
gripping, mocking, tearing...
The rain won’t stop just yet.
I sit and wait.

Bed weather.
Comforting
Remembering
Cleansing.

SIMPLICITY DAY
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June 8, 2020
Cordova, Philippines

Internet is off.
The gadgets are pushed aside
Construction papers and scissors
Glue, wooden sticks and paper clips
litter the floor
As the girls - heads bent - focus.
I had felt frustrated, even angry,
at the telco mess up
But perhaps it is not so bad after all.
This is one normal I’d love to return to.

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SIMPLICITY DAY
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May 30, 2020

Hello again!

My birthday month is ending...and I wonder where the thoughts and feelings went again. Whether I could really get back to writing and expressing, and how much I have lost in the intervening years.

Shall I count the ways, the whys and whatever?
A part of me is weeping, and yet another part gently pats my shoulder
reminding me to be gentle with myself first
before I let the floodgates open?
before I allow the furies to let go?
Will it really be like that - again?

I am seeing the beauty and the peace of this background paper
and it soothes me, smiles at me, sensing even as I struggle
that no, it won't be the same again.

The passing time has been wearying
demanded...

ORIGINAL
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June 5, 2019
 

I feel like something's within reach
And I reach out to girlfriends
For some bouncing back, some support
But most of them facing some kind of wall too
Too stunned, or too angry, or as confused
And my outstretched hand is a lifeline
Giving once again
I am grateful, sure I am...
But who listens to me?

MADE WITH LOVE
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November 8, 2017
Cordova, Philippines

You're not here
anymore...

But you will always be
no matter how many times
you walk away.

Forever will always wait.

But if the time comes
that it is I who forgets,
remember how long
I waited for you.

4:44pm/21-07-2017

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INTO THE GALAXY
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October 31, 2017
Iligan City, Philippines

Almost 25 months since I last posted anything here
A wide and dry expanse of desert, drain and the occasional dream
What happened to you? I ask myself

Remembering journeys and abysses
Detours and dead ends...
Squirrels scurrying to hide acorns
Even as i helped to bring flowers to the greenhouse
Or watch everything from my glass window,
unmoving and huddled and lost

That wintry chapter opened and closed
As winters come and go, and comes around again.

The cold brought new fire, hidden, awakening
Slowly I raised myself, capturing the natural scenes
Watching and waiting
Until I felt the urge to pull back and throw the covers
Delight in the cold - refreshed, renewed.

What happened to me?
I li...

MAKE A DIFFERENCE DAY
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October 4, 2015
 

the first time
you took me in your arms
stopping midway on a step
down an alley,
i finally understood
what it meant to be home...
i didn't know, even your name,
then.

time has passed
and not so kindly
it feels like a knife's
stuck in my guts,
twisted every
now and then.

last night
i could not sleep -
from miles away i saw you
online, offline, online
the knife twisting
unforgivingly...
i said ' nitynyt'
and willed myself
to sleep, thinking
i've got to go beyond
but not sure
when.

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LETTRS WOOD FADE
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October 2, 2015
 

i'm a house of cards
flailing in the open,
almost wishing
for that gust of wind
that will make me
tremble
tumble
left in shambles...

it would be such a relief.

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CAPTAIN
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September 21, 2015
 

you steal my dreams still
and i am helpless
in the beyond --

someplace familiar yet
never really touched
someplace i run to
only to find more questions
someplace i run from
but never really escape...

you come and go
like you still own me
and i wish you do
but you have no wish to
why appear then
why stay?

you steal into my dreams
still... so i must kill
that dream, close the door,
turn off the faucet, die.

beyond someplace
we will meet again
and i pray i will still
recognize you
i pray you never have
to die this way.

i pray
because in this time,
i love you.
still.

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LETTRS LATTE
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September 13, 2015
 

Sunday afternoon
rainshowers
sudden, unwelcome
coz ive just watered
the lawn

blessings
in disguised packages
constant, unrecognized
coz it's easier to complain
than be thankful

my hands start to shake.

13.09.2015

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LETTRS WOOD FADE
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September 13, 2015
 

The right brain controls emotions yes, but it is neither happy nor unhappy. Just as there is no right or wrong feeling...but right or wrong response / reaction to the feeling, yours or others. Most men do not like having strong feelings and digging deeper into those - who knows what they will discover, and that's scary, So they prefer to stick to what they can understand, what makes sense/logical and what they can control. What they don't know, they cannot care about.

I prefer to experience all that arises within and without me, believing each is a gift, an opportunity to grow, no matter how painful sometimes it can be. I allow myself to feel, not deny another part of me simply because it i...

SORRY, I’M NOT SORRY
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September 10, 2015
 

you don't sing or dance
(or so you said)
prefer live to elevator music
(what do i really know?)
but the music you started in my heart continues to haunt me.

a note ushers in a stream
of melodies
my reverie caught between
forgetting and remembering
the refrain in a pendulum
of doubt and certainty...

much like myself standing
on your doorstep
the door you have opened
but the welcome not uttered -
was i wrong in waiting
for the coda that never was?
how could i have known
when the verses kept playing
and the door remained open?

in time the song i hear
will outplay itself
the refrain to fade,
but your door...
please do not open when
you cannot invite.

i have a song in my heart
written by you...

TIME OUT
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September 7, 2015
 

Dear all,

Am not really on here a lot, but after posting a letter, the thought came to me to write about the migrants streaming into Europe, esp Germany, these days. You might want to share your thoughts too...thanks.

*****
The images have started to haunt me:  drowned boys washed up on the shore, a father clutching his children amd crying, a mother holding her child aloft as the sea swallows them, the refugees storming the train station, a welcoming applause in Austria, a refugee camp...

and i sit in the relative comfort of my bed, feeling heavy and helpless, trying to make sense of it all.

the conflicts in Syria and elsewhere that turned homeland into hell...the desperation of people cr...

ORIGINAL
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September 7, 2015
 

i sat slumped on the sofa, my weary soul
silent
i looked at all before me, everything
and nothing...
then my ears pricked
at a memory unbidden:
the brilliance of your smile, you used to say.

i picked myself up and began the tedious task of sorting, arranging, cleaning up...
if only it were that easy
to pick up the broken
pieces of me; i sighed,
went over to the mirror and smiled.

the woman looked back and said, gently:
you can do this.

ORIGINAL
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September 3, 2015
 

I called him "bunso" which in my native language means 'youngest child'...but he was more than brother, friend, co-worker.

He was a luminous soul who shared the Light in all he did - be it interfaith dialogue, peacebuilding, visiting and learning from indigenous communities, crafting his music and dance with nature - and shared, oh o generously! He always looked fragile, but he was pure energy constantly moving, creating, innovating, loving...

When I heard the news yesterday, I was speechless in my deep sadness...why the good, the true, the beautiful, the pure?
I hovered between disbelief amd faith.

You are in a much better world now, Bunso...where your magic can shine more brightly, and y...

SEED TIME
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September 1, 2015
 

The beginning of the end... or endings are beginnings... is a matter of perspective... if perspective matters to you.

ORIGINAL
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September 1, 2015
 

I look up from the rut
and see your face...
or did i just imagine you.
But in that fleeting glance
something within me moved,
my immobile form jolted, moribund thoughts unveiled...
You are an exquisite moment -
imagined or not.

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ORIGINAL
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August 24, 2015
 

The improvised curtain rod broke
the curtain fell and
the light came through
almost defiantly.

I felt laughter bubbling up
even as my eyes teared
I'm at the end of the rope
amd I can"t care.

No one does.

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THE KISS
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August 25, 2015
 

the markets tumbled
plunging all to a zipline
from curiosity to uncertainty
to fear to immobility or
the genius of knowing
this too shall pass, and wait.

interesting times indeed.

but even as i choose to
fence-sit and watch
players come undone
over buying, selling, haggling
and losing or losing...

my eyes anxiously dart over the chaos, looking for you,
knowing just where to find you

the heart, inextricably bound,
finds pulse in the marketplace
a steady beating within the mess
unseen though my beloved's face.

17:15 / 25.08.15

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NATURE'S REACH
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August 21, 2015
 

*When it rains, it pours.*

The eyes stare,
unseeing the lash of the wind
against the window panes
or the water as it surrenders
to the force, sliding down quietly
blurring the glass in its wake
dripping, meandering, cleansing.

I lay in bed watching the play
of the elements, inwardly
closed off, telling myself to be still...

The nostrils flare,
tensing as the sweet and spicy
smell of the wilderness
beneath the window invaded -
tantalizing, awakening,
coaxing open the box.

I could almost taste it
minty herbs and memories...
and one by one the tears fell
the broken soul shakes.

Oh yes, when it rains, it pours.

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ORIGINAL
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July 31, 2015
 

CAPTION THIS
"Stakes"
Lying on that table I see my life scenes flash and that at every turn, there is a choice, and risks. How well have I made - and stood up - for the choices I made?

LEAVES OF GRASS
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July 31, 2015
 

only 15 months ago i packed
and unpacked everything -
all my stuff...my life it seems,
and here i am again...

packing what i had tried to reduce my self and my life to while waiting...waiting...

for space i could call my own,
for time that is for me
for one to share life with.

i've been unpacking and sharing myself...and getting
hurt and broken; but
tried to keep it all in
keep the faith and the hope
alive...

now i am just so tired.

ANGEL BREATHING
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July 6, 2015
 

It's an art as well, grieving that is.

I've seen how others cope, and have been amazed at the effort some make to deny it; have wondered as well how some others allow it to overwhelm or immobilize them, neither of which really helps.

There are those, of course, who feel it, listen to it, and then bids it 'au revoi'...till we meet again.

Today I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with sad eyes, a rueful smile, and hand that shook as it brushed her hair into place.

Sometimes there's no choice really.  To grieve is to live. To live is art at its best.

~gem~

LETTRS GOLDEN
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June 22, 2015
 

There is a solitude in grief
that holds everything suspended...

the sound of laughter in his irreverent eyes, the feel of colors bursting forth when he's silent, the peace in my being when his arms hold me close...

and the words...spoken and un.

There is a solitude in grief
that can only be weathered, never really broken.

- gem -

PEACE
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June 22, 2015
 

I am not in love with you, you said.
There is someone else on the edge of the radar now, you said.
It is not fair to her or myself, you said...to proceed with emotional baggage of the L word resonating in my head, you added. What?!

A question rose from my heart but I took you for your first word and said goodbye. Then you continued...
I still care for you very much.
I am not in the habit of analyzing and expressing my feelings.

Mixed signals again, my love.
But I will speak no more;
I shall fade as you wish.
You are not in love with me.
-gem

ORIGINAL
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June 22, 2015
 

pee breaks and a dream
dotting my sleepy landscape
tantric lemonade?

yoga moves and bold
involuntary muscles
flexing for pleasure...

summer solstice now
sip your coffee, share a dream
wide awake and blest.

~gem~

INTERNATIONAL DAY OF YOGA
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June 17, 2015
 

G,
I do remember things well...esp stuff with people who have left a heartprint...but it's not always good....anyway, I believe I still walk with a spring in my steps...there's just more deliberation, more weight sometimes, d lessons of d years, and of course d questions.

But thank you...you always made me think...and wonder...and be grateful.  Hope all is well with you.

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SPRING SEASON
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