My fears face come to fruition time and time again and it is hard to believe that for once they are not valid.
Skin crawling, eyes pouring, how did this happen again? My jaw throbbing, fists clenching, last time was supposed to be the last time.
Why is it that I am only your muse in tragedy? The pain you feel brings out the beauty but in Joy and love carried nothing. Why, when I am next to you and trying to feel your presence is the response lacking but when I am gone you want me near?
I pushed and pushed, you pulled away.
I can't escape you night or day.
Now that I have gone you want me near,
when I was close you weren't there.
I can't continue on this path,
I need to know if you have my back.
Sit and ponder, wait and listen, I can feel you breathe. My heart is stiring, mind exploring, why'd I make you leave? Can't stop hoping, watching, waiting, wont help but believe. Arms out reaching, body trembling, our souls will always weave.
Heart twists tighter
Where does it pull
I know I am a fighter
This ache never dulls
The Choices are hard
My mind is so loud
Alone time barred
I cannot keep going
My time clock is slowing
I find myself here, again and again
Broken and torn down blaming the men
What is it in me causing stumbles and falls
No one can save me I make my own calls
I pushed and I pleaded for our lives to match up
He told me exactly what he had in his cup
Yet I pushed him to love me, to be my king
I pressured and begged him to give me the ring
It was not fair in the slightest, it was selfish and mean
Now we both sit here not knowing where to lean
The fear of failure stops us from growing
Discomfort and a leap of faith is necessary, If it was meant to be it will be this timeline is not for us. It hurts more than I can comprehend but we must think of more than ourselves. This decision is for you and it is for them, it is not for me.
Their worlds collide time after time
Watching for the stars to align
Searching for moments that seem to pass
But hearts pull tighter hands grasp
Longing and waiting for lips to brush
He looks at her and her cheeks blush
Time melts as the two become one
Along her thighs his fingers run
Skipping beats and stealing breath
Souls and love they do bequeath
Precious art consumes my mind
Look, don't touch
I fill my pains with the thin lines
Look, don't touch
Fingers ache to embrace thine
Look, don't touch
I glance at you and begin to pine
Look, don't touch
You fill this space but are not mine
You want to be invested in but when it is time for dividends you are empty.
My mind wanders to things it shouldn't, pressing my nose up to the glass of someone else's story. Why do I long for the pages someone already filled. I have my own blank sheets beneath my fingers itching for originality. Life isn't something you can plagiarize, we do not need more copies of stories already told. This world lacks inventors. Stop being a sequal and start your own independent plot.
As outside influences flow through me, I struggle to find my voice. What is mine and what is borrowed? Who am I and what do I mimic? Are pieces others what make me.... me? Or am I something more? Something unique?
A letter to the men who think they are God's gift to women...
Let me see you smile, shake it, whistles
Grabbing, touching, groping, grinding
Unwanted, every single one of them
This is not how you get a woman to want you back...
Thinking is dangerous, thinking leads to worry, worry leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to panic, panic leads to irrational choices and words. My mind wanders and heart longing for comfort in it's ache. Does he reach out and offer it? Does he see my pain? Does he notice my agony? Only time will tell.
The best art is born in sorrow,
why does or heart weep more beauty than Joy can bring?
Do we truly have to lose to see what we had all along?
What can we say as we swing and sway for longing and for lust
We skip around, make the sounds but in the end it's dust
You push me down, spin me round come close to you I must
You dance away, this game we play while metal turns to rust
Our bodies yearn we take our turn, what in life is just
A sea of sheets as ours eyes meet, my dress I do adjust
Twisting, tearing, heart is pounding
What's a girl to do
I can't stop thoughts like tiny dots appearing about you
Funny how time seems to break every single rule
While past and future duel
Why, oh why, did I leave you behind?
Good friends like you are too hard to find
We fit together like gum to a shoe
It took me years to find someone like you
I miss our game nights, and our lunch dates
I miss the silly looks on your face
You are someone I can be me with
I thought a friendship like ours was only a myth
Something in movies or on pages of books
We do Stupid things and get lots of looks
Thrift stores, estate sales, gay bars, arcades
We have so much fun on our escapades
But now thousands of miles come between
Me and my best friend, where do I lean?
Hands shook, voice gone, forced drugs down my throat. Control was lost, I was floating above my body barely able to will myself to walk. They knew I was in a haze, they knew I could not fight or scream. I stumbled my way to the bathroom. They were waiting... My head hit the floor as they pushed me into the bitter cold tile. I couldn't comprehend what was happening completely but somehow I still knew. I remember my wrists burning as they held my arms, I remember my back and thighs feeling like ice, I remember feeling a weight on top of me and the air leaving the room. I remember a voice I could feel against my ear and cheek. Then, as quickly as it started, it was over. I remember a bright ligh...
What are you? where are you? Are you coming for me? I feel you near. He claims that my end will come by his hands, yet he fails. Will he ever succeed? Will rescue come for me? A glimmer of hope flickers on occasion, but is quickly snuffed out every time. I fear his success, I fear that he will be my end and I will leave the rest of my children motherless, I fear I will leave my husband a widower. The hardest thing is I have no escape. So for now I will wait, wait for a time when this will end.
I can't breathe, my mind can't catch up
My hands shake, the world is spinning
Easy does it
Closing in, dots cloud my vision
I can do this, my legs tremble
Sweaty palms, lips quivering
Objects twirl around me, where am I
Distance makes the heart grow fonder? Truth be told, this distance is cold. I cannot stand the miles you have put between our hearts. The waves of disdain you rush my way, knocking me down time and time again. My soul aches for your affection, a taste of your longing. You covet, even now, for a lost love while you lay in our bed. My skin thirsts for your fingers, caressing my curves. My body yearns for you. I want to feel your passion against my bodice, but you sleep and you dream of her while I lay here wishing I was the one who made you dream such sweet things. You say her name while you slumber. Why is it not my name on your lips?
Why must you put up such a thick wall
My voice grows hoarse from the call
The distance you build hurts so deep
I will be there to catch you, please just leap
Dare I say, I can't compare
Her eyes, her bod, her perfect hair
I cannot stand how I feel
Your love for her are still so real
I sit and pretend to be ok
But your mind is on her while we lay
I'm only your consolation prize
You see through me and into her eyes
Can I go on like this forever
I know I deserve so much better
Memories, terrors, tragedies
creep in to my present from a place I thought had left me long ago.
I cannot seem to control the things that trigger the horrors of my past.
A touch, a playful touch from the man I love brings back a flood of pain that was not his doing. I feel guilty, it is not his fault and yet he still brought me pain and neglected to comfort me through it. The scene brought confusion to us both. I need comfort and he needs clarity that I do not think I can give him, it is not even clear to in my own mind.
troubled, alone, scared
I must figure this out before I come unhinged again. I was so proud of how far I had come and now I feel I have falling back into the pit of my pa...
My soul reaches, open hands of my eternal being reach out for his. I can feel it, and I can sense his reaching back. Why, then, can they not connect? Why are they just out of reach. Two magnets force the two to stay inches apart. Do I dare to flip my magnet?
I watched him as he watched me. Both longing for the other. Days seemed like weeks without him. I had never known love before. His face was calm yet complex. He had me from the moment our eyes first met. I loved him before I knew the feeling existed. Once I was his, a serenity passed over my body, a sense of belonging. Young love grew and I never stopped caring for the boy who became a man. It has been 13 years and the man I first loved still loves me.
My hands grow cold as I wait in wonder. My body shakes uncontrollably from the empty chill. A gentle push toward the unknown end, an invitation to discover what awaits those who give into the eternal slumber. An overpowering sensation moves me to close my sapphire eyes. The hollow darkness begins to consume my being, tugging on my soul. Giving away control over my destiny seems ever so peacefull. Reality sinks in and I feel it for the first time. Purpose. My eyes flutter open, feeling the resistance from my frozen lashes. My quivering legs find the power to stand.